The Adventures of Florida Man: a running thread

[bigheadfred]

Yeah... It's a long, long run to where you are gonna find any gators. Better save your strength, 

They got jet airliners here.  Though I used the first person I hope people who plan on putting their head in a gator's mouth don't go to the show smelling like bait.

[roamer_1]

They got jet airliners here. 

They DO? Will wonders never cease?

Though I used the first person I hope people who plan on putting their head in a gator's mouth don't go to the show smelling like bait.

Not a good pastime for me. I smell like bacon frying any time it gets hot outside. 

[bigheadfred]

They DO? Will wonders never cease?

Not a good pastime for me. I smell like bacon frying any time it gets hot outside. 

NOW I understand your insistence on pants. 

[roamer_1]

NOW I understand your insistence on pants. 

Hey. It ain't ME insisting on pants. That's everybody else.

[sneakypete]

Ya'll know the difference between a pothead and a meth head. They will both steal your stuff. But a meth head will help you look for it.

@bigheadfred

Some will even insist they help you look,and give you hell for moving too slowly.

[bigheadfred]

Hey. It ain't ME insisting on pants. That's everybody else.

I was thinking the best way to smell like bacon frying is to do it nekked. Wear pants.

I don't know if any of those jet planes go to Florida. I've seen some take off. Always in the same direction. Southwest. So they must all be Southwest Airlines flights. 

[roamer_1]

I was thinking the best way to smell like bacon frying is to do it nekked. Wear pants.

No, no, no! That's bass ackwards. The only time I DO insist on pants is when frying actual bacon, and when shoveling snow. The rest of the time, I need to be reminded. I am not up on all the fancy dress codes everybody has. Except the Mini-Mart.

No Shirt
No Shoes
No Service.

See? Nothing at all about pants, so I'm good. Not the same at the church for some reason 

I don't know if any of those jet planes go to Florida. I've seen some take off. Always in the same direction. Southwest. So they must all be Southwest Airlines flights. 

We got two. One to SLC, and one to Minneapolis. Been on both. Kicking and screaming. If God wanted me to fly I wouldn't have feet.

[PeteS in CA]

Florida man accused of stealing golf balls, beating up elderly golfer

22-year-old Tyler Dearden was taking golf balls from a golfer's bucket at a club in Ocala, Florida.

News outlets say the golfer told him not to do that, and went to report him. An affidavit says that when he returned, Dearden came up to him and stated he wanted to apologize, but he punched him and knocked him to the ground. Dearden told deputies he was defending himself because the golfer threatened him by pointing a golf club at him.

https://www.abcactionnews.com/news/state/florida-man-accused-of-stealing-golf-balls-beating-up-elderly-golfer

Musta been one of those assault golf clubs, with a chainsaw bayonet attached!

[bigheadfred]

Musta been one of those assault golf clubs, with a chainsaw bayonet attached!

Those shoot one 'round' at a time? I've heard of golf shots. But not golf shootings.

That chainsaw bayonet sounds handy. No more worries when you hit one into the trees.

[roamer_1]

Musta been one of those assault golf clubs, with a chainsaw bayonet attached!

You gotta think a guy is going to strenuously object if you try and grab his balls. 

[bigheadfred]

You gotta think a guy is going to strenuously object if you try and grab his balls. 

Especially after some guy was sucking his toes.

[roamer_1]

Especially after some guy was sucking his toes.

Yeah. That's altogether too personal... 

I don't like that guy that stands 6" to close when talking...
How do you know where that is? It ain't in the manual...
But if a chick is standing too close, that's good.
Same line. Somehow you know.
Go figger.

[mountaineer]

Florida woman or, at least, woman in Florida.

Woman caught on video doing bizarre strip tease in Miami airport
By Tamar Lapin
January 16, 2020 | 8:44pm

She volunteered for an airport strip search.

A woman could be seen on video slowly stripping naked while strolling through the baggage claim area at Miami International Airport.

The fully nude woman is then seen jumping on top of a cop car.

In the wild cellphone footage posted on Twitter, she belts out a song as she struts inside the airport.  ...

Full story and video

[Victoria33]

@roamer_1

I don't know if you were a member at Free Republic.  My good friend, Johnny, name there was JRandomFreeper, had a pants problem and we members constantly ribbed him about that.

It was New Year's Eve and he went to a party at the house next door.  At the end of that party, he had no pants.  The next day, he found them, on the roof of that house.  He did not know how they got there.

[mountaineer]

My husband says he gave up drinking hard liquor in college after an incident where he found himself trying to remove his pants over his head. 

I didn't know him then, and it's just as well.

[Cyber Liberty]

@roamer_1

I don't know if you were a member at Free Republic.  My good friend, Johnny, name there was JRandomFreeper, had a pants problem and we members constantly ribbed him about that.

It was New Year's Eve and he went to a party at the house next door.  At the end of that party, he had no pants.  The next day, he found them, on the roof of that house.  He did not know how they got there.

I miss Johnny....

[roamer_1]

@roamer_1

I don't know if you were a member at Free Republic.  My good friend, Johnny, name there was JRandomFreeper, had a pants problem and we members constantly ribbed him about that.

Yes @Victoria33 ... I remember JRandomFreeper... RIP, friend.

It was New Year's Eve and he went to a party at the house next door.  At the end of that party, he had no pants.  The next day, he found them, on the roof of that house.  He did not know how they got there.

Believe it or not, that happens more often than folks might assume... 

[jmyrlefuller]

Florida man with Coors can spilled in truck told troopers, 'I don't drink'

Juan Gomez Gaitan was driving a rental truck toward Miami on Sunday. Troopers who pulled over Gaitan said he smelled like beer, and when they asked for the rental agreement, that's when he replied, "I don't drink." Inside the truck, troopers also found prescription pills that did not belong to him.

https://www.abc-7.com/story/41586257/florida-man-with-coors-can-spilled-in-truck-told-troopers-i-dont-drink

[Cyber Liberty]

Florida man with Coors can spilled in truck told troopers, 'I don't drink'

Juan Gomez Gaitan was driving a rental truck toward Miami on Sunday. Troopers who pulled over Gaitan said he smelled like beer, and when they asked for the rental agreement, that's when he replied, "I don't drink." Inside the truck, troopers also found prescription pills that did not belong to him.

https://www.abc-7.com/story/41586257/florida-man-with-coors-can-spilled-in-truck-told-troopers-i-dont-drink

Did he say he takes pills?  Inquiring minds and all...

[mountaineer]

Florida Man does not have gills, alas.

Florida man on the lam hides under water, busted when he comes up for air
 Natalie Musumeci
January 21, 2020 | 10:52am

This was a “not so great escape.”

A wanted Florida man tried to evade arrest by hiding under water in a pond — but was swiftly busted by police when he was forced to come up for air, cops said.

Daniel Christopher Booth, 36, of MacClenny, Fla., had warrants out for his arrest from Baker County for selling methamphetamine, police said. ...

Full story at NY Post

Curses, foiled again!

[goatprairie]

I don't know why the guy didn't snatch one of those hollow reeds that are so prevalent on tv and in the movies.  We all know that when people jump into water to escape capture, there's always hollow reeds at close hand enabling the escapee to breathe through to avoid detection.

[Smokin Joe]

I don't know why the guy didn't snatch one of those hollow reeds that are so prevalent on tv and in the movies.  We all know that when people jump into water to escape capture, there's always hollow reeds at close hand enabling the escapee to breathe through to avoid detection.

Have you ever tried to breathe through one of those things?

[goatprairie]

Have you ever tried to breathe through one of those things?

Yes, my last escape from the Big House me and another con had to share one for a few hours.
It took five or six escapes, captures, and escapes before we learned the right breathing techniques.
Right now, I'm still under water as I'm typing this response. Hopefully, the bloodhounds will go away after a few more hours. 

[roamer_1]

Have you ever tried to breathe through one of those things?

Especially with your buddy trying to pee in it, unbeknownst... But to be fair, we were probably about eight at the time...

[Smokin Joe]

Especially with your buddy trying to pee in it, unbeknownst... But to be fair, we were probably about eight at the time...

All the reeds where I grew up were plugged, like the cross baffles in bamboo.