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Author Topic: Humor/Jokes  (Read 68279 times)

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Online bigheadfred

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #650 on: March 09, 2025, 02:07:04 pm »
My wife complains I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't know she sold flowers.
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Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #651 on: March 09, 2025, 02:37:37 pm »
Quote from: bigheadfred on March 09, 2025, 02:07:04 pm
My wife complains I don't buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn't know she sold flowers.

 :laugh:   (Psst...even if your wife doesn't sell flowers, you still need to buy her some.)
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Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #652 on: March 09, 2025, 02:43:59 pm »
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

 I had to put my foot down.





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Online ChemEngrMBA

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #653 on: April 16, 2025, 08:45:30 pm »
I know for a fact that eating a booger will never hurt you.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2025, 02:37:04 pm by ChemEngrMBA »
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Offline Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #654 on: April 16, 2025, 09:27:54 pm »
Quote from: ChemEngrMBA on April 16, 2025, 08:45:30 pm
I know for a fact that eating a bugger will never hurt you.
A bugger or a booger?

Either way one could argue it snot so.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2025, 09:28:40 pm by Smokin Joe »
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How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Offline roamer_1

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #655 on: April 16, 2025, 09:40:34 pm »
Quote from: Smokin Joe on April 16, 2025, 09:27:54 pm
A bugger or a booger?


I was riding in the back of a pickup one time, and opened my mouth to laugh, and took a june bug in the back of my throat at 60 miles an hour.

That hurt like hell.
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Offline Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #656 on: April 16, 2025, 11:30:39 pm »
Quote from: roamer_1 on April 16, 2025, 09:40:34 pm
I was riding in the back of a pickup one time, and opened my mouth to laugh, and took a june bug in the back of my throat at 60 miles an hour.

That hurt like hell.
I always had enough sense to keep my mouth mostly shut (well, grinning with teeth displayed doesn't count as open, quite) while riding motorcycles. I got one wasp up the sleeve of my leathers going down the road between NewTown and Max, doing about 60. Needless to say, the critter took great umbrage at having been scooped out of the air and propelled up the sleeve of my leathers toward my armpit, and on seven different occasions before I could shut down the bike and pull over and shuck my leathers off, it told me so in no uncertain terms. Ouch. Wasps are nasty. A honey bee would have only got me once.

The other insect antics of note included hitting a swarm of mosquitoes coming down into the Missouri River bottoms so dense they plugged my nostrils and splattered all over my goggles so thick I had to stop and blow the critters out and wipe the goo and wings off the lenses. I don't want to think what that would have been like for my eyes without those goggles, and I could barely see through the mess on the lenses to get pulled over.

On my way down US 85 to Sturgis one year I saw this huge grasshopper on the road, a good 3-3 1/2 inches long and sure as heck, as my front tire passed, it launched, splattering all over my rag, putting a double gouge in one of the buttons I had on it, and covering most of the front of me with grasshopper goo. It took riding through three serious rainstorms to get most of that off...
But I left the June Bugs for the ducks...

Good times. :laugh:
« Last Edit: April 16, 2025, 11:34:35 pm by Smokin Joe »
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How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Offline MeganC

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #657 on: April 17, 2025, 12:17:12 pm »
Did you hear about the two Irish queers?

William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.
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Online Lando Lincoln

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #658 on: April 17, 2025, 12:25:42 pm »
Quote from: MeganC on April 17, 2025, 12:17:12 pm
Did you hear about the two Irish queers?

William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.

Took me a moment, lol…
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Offline DCPatriot

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #659 on: April 17, 2025, 12:59:13 pm »
My wife is taking psychology courses and is always psychoanalyzing me.

Recently she said: 

You want to fire the pool boy because you feel threatened and you're having difficulty
coming to grips with losing your virility in your senior years.

My response:

...Well....We Don't Have a Pool!!
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"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

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Offline Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #660 on: April 17, 2025, 01:53:17 pm »
Quote from: MeganC on April 17, 2025, 12:17:12 pm
Did you hear about the two Irish queers?

William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.
>groan< :silly:
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How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Offline DCPatriot

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #661 on: May 02, 2025, 06:58:42 pm »
GUN violence kills 30,000 Americans each year.  So...they want to take away our GUNS???

Consider this:

Automobiles kill 55,000 Americans each year.  So...should we take away our ASIANS???
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"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

"Journalism is about covering the news.  With a pillow.  Until it stops moving."    - David Burge (Iowahawk)

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

Offline Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #662 on: May 02, 2025, 08:53:29 pm »
Quote from: DCPatriot on May 02, 2025, 06:58:42 pm
GUN violence kills 30,000 Americans each year.  So...they want to take away our GUNS???

Consider this:

Automobiles kill 55,000 Americans each year.  So...should we take away our ASIANS???
While estimates range wildly, somewhere between 44,000 and 440,000 Americans die each year from mistakes doctors make...

You see where that is going...
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How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Online ChemEngrMBA

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #663 on: May 03, 2025, 06:21:49 pm »
Quote from: Smokin Joe on May 02, 2025, 08:53:29 pm
While estimates range wildly, somewhere between 44,000 and 440,000 Americans die each year from mistakes doctors make...

You see where that is going...

The Mayo Clinic estimates the number of deaths due to malpractice is 250,000 to 400,000.
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"This book should be required reading for every teenager.  I was running every morning for twenty years with a genius." - Mike McCartney, D.D.S.
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Offline DCPatriot

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #664 on: May 03, 2025, 07:29:25 pm »
Donald Trump dies and finds himself at the Gates of Hell.

Satan says that they are full and cannot admit him but because of his popularity, he's given the opportunity to accept what's behind 3 doors to trade places with somebody else.

Behind Door #1, he finds Barack Obama who's repetitively climbing a ladder and diving into a swimming pool.

Trump says..."hmmm, I actually don't like the water and after time, the water would turn orange, etc...so NO!"

Behind Door #2, he sees Hillary Clinton who's wielding a sledge hammer breaking rock after rock after rock.

Trump says..."hmmm, WTF wants to spend eternity breaking rocks.  Plus, for that Bitch, it's a perfect punishment for her, so NO!"

Behind Door #3 there's Bill Clinton strapped to a bed by his hands and feet, naked while Monica Lewinsky is doing what Monica does best!

Trump says..."hmmm, I think I could definitely spend eternity like that, so YES!"

The Devil says, "OKAY!!  Monica...you can leave!"

(as told to me by my Commie lady friend)
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"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

"Journalism is about covering the news.  With a pillow.  Until it stops moving."    - David Burge (Iowahawk)

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

Offline MeganC

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #665 on: May 03, 2025, 08:01:58 pm »
Quote from: DCPatriot on May 03, 2025, 07:29:25 pm
Donald Trump dies and finds himself at the Gates of Hell.

Satan says that they are full and cannot admit him but because of his popularity, he's given the opportunity to accept what's behind 3 doors to trade places with somebody else.

Behind Door #1, he finds Barack Obama who's repetitively climbing a ladder and diving into a swimming pool.

Trump says..."hmmm, I actually don't like the water and after time, the water would turn orange, etc...so NO!"

Behind Door #2, he sees Hillary Clinton who's wielding a sledge hammer breaking rock after rock after rock.

Trump says..."hmmm, WTF wants to spend eternity breaking rocks.  Plus, for that Bitch, it's a perfect punishment for her, so NO!"

Behind Door #3 there's Bill Clinton strapped to a bed by his hands and feet, naked while Monica Lewinsky is doing what Monica does best!

Trump says..."hmmm, I think I could definitely spend eternity like that, so YES!"

The Devil says, "OKAY!!  Monica...you can leave!"

(as told to me by my Commie lady friend)

 :silly: :silly: :silly: :silly:
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Offline DB

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #666 on: May 03, 2025, 08:18:11 pm »
I know a really bad joke because it is etched into my brain... Should I share it? It uses no bad words but it still x rated...
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