Humor/Jokes

[bigheadfred]

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

Wife: “Whatever means necessary.”

Me: “No it doesn’t.”

[bigheadfred]

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, "How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I replied, "The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical."

[GtHawk]

That was one of the first times I just knuckled under.  I already know better than to argue over inconsequential things.

 

It didn't take very long for me to figure out that it's better to just bite my tongue, since this year we will be married 48 years I would say that for me at least that has worked. What's the benefit of proving your right when all you achieve is discord?

[catfish1957]

It didn't take very long for me to figure out that it's better to just bite my tongue, since this year we will be married 48 years I would say that for me at least that has worked. What's the benefit of proving your right when all you achieve is discord?

I think we as men have lost when it comes to the war of attrition.  I am of the same mindset.  The "Happy Wife...Happy Life" meme rings true because think about it.  We are outmatched.

Example.....  My wife can remember what I wore on our first date. 40+ years ago.  What we ate, and what was said.  Crap, I can't even hardly remember or care about last week.

[GtHawk]

I think we as men have lost when it comes to the war of attrition.  I am of the same mindset.  The "Happy Wife...Happy Life" meme rings true because think about it.  We are outmatched.

Example.....  My wife can remember what I wore on our first date. 40+ years ago.  What we ate, and what was said.  Crap, I can't even hardly remember or care about last week.

Hell, last week was an eternity ago in man time I remember when I told my wife I was going to put a ring on her finger, it was the first time we were out and horseback riding with coworkers, I know when I put the engagement ring on her finger...it was Halloween and I still know my anniversary and even the time we were married, and I have never forgotten her birthday...is anything else really important?

[catfish1957]

Hell, last week was an eternity ago in man time I remember when I told my wife I was going to put a ring on her finger, it was the first time we were out and horseback riding with coworkers, I know when I put the engagement ring on her finger...it was Halloween and I still know my anniversary and even the time we were married, and I have never forgotten her birthday...is anything else really important?

Nailed it.  Women are wired by details, men-big pic stuff, no details.

[Cyber Liberty]

I will always remember when I asked Mrs. Liberty to marry me:  "Wanna get plumb hitched?"  True story!

[catfish1957]

I will always remember when I asked Mrs. Liberty to marry me:  "Wanna get plumb hitched?"  True story!

Don't remember exactly asking, but did pay nearly 30 years for not doing it on one knee.

Hint HInt....  to young batchelors.  Don't make the same mistake.

[libertybele]

Hell, last week was an eternity ago in man time I remember when I told my wife I was going to put a ring on her finger, it was the first time we were out and horseback riding with coworkers, I know when I put the engagement ring on her finger...it was Halloween and I still know my anniversary and even the time we were married, and I have never forgotten her birthday...is anything else really important?

   Well, my husband of 41 years insists that we met 43 years ago on January 31, 1980. We met at a party on a Saturday night. January 31, 1980 happens to fall on a Thursday, so we would have had to have met the Saturday before. Far be it from me to argue as he's never been wrong ( ) -- so why even throw that out there? Someone very wise once told me to pick the battles that are worth fighting about. 

Forget birthdays or an anniversary? Let's see ... we celebrated my birthday once 3 weeks early one year because he got his dates confused. Act surprised that he remembered? No problem!    So...for awhile I got a calendar to hang on the wall and I wrote the dates on it -- along with his parents bdays, kids bdays, etc., so it didn't seem too obvious.  Now a days I just mention to him a few days beforehand the plans that I've made for our anniversary and my bday. 

[libertybele]

I will always remember when I asked Mrs. Liberty to marry me:  "Wanna get plumb hitched?"  True story!

A great memory!! 

[Smokin Joe]

That is hilarious.  But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......

It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety.  Man did that ever piss me off.  When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off. 

Well, we all know how those things go.       How many of you have dealt with the same.?

Damn, son, just go to the buffet.

[Smokin Joe]

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, "How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I replied, "The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical."

[Smokin Joe]

Nailed it.  Women are wired by details, men-big pic stuff, no details.

[Smokin Joe]

  Well, my husband of 41 years insists that we met 43 years ago on January 31, 1980. We met at a party on a Saturday night. January 31, 1980 happens to fall on a Thursday, so we would have had to have met the Saturday before. Far be it from me to argue as he's never been wrong ( ) -- so why even throw that out there? Someone very wise once told me to pick the battles that are worth fighting about. 

Forget birthdays or an anniversary? Let's see ... we celebrated my birthday once 3 weeks early one year because he got his dates confused. Act surprised that he remembered? No problem!    So...for awhile I got a calendar to hang on the wall and I wrote the dates on it -- along with his parents bdays, kids bdays, etc., so it didn't seem too obvious.  Now a days I just mention to him a few days beforehand the plans that I've made for our anniversary and my bday. 

Mrs. Joe and I were married on my birthday. No forgetting our Anniversary, and she was the best Birthday present I ever got.

[roamer_1]

Forget birthdays or an anniversary? Let's see ... we celebrated my birthday once 3 weeks early one year because he got his dates confused. Act surprised that he remembered? No problem!    So...for awhile I got a calendar to hang on the wall and I wrote the dates on it -- along with his parents bdays, kids bdays, etc., so it didn't seem too obvious.  Now a days I just mention to him a few days beforehand the plans that I've made for our anniversary and my bday. 

Alright... I don't remember nothing, and never have. It's only lately that I have become more aware of the importance of these dates to others. None of it matters a whit to me, except 4th of July, which I have often missed - working right through. But by and large, having no weekends and no important days of my own, it makes it hard to fathom in others.

The only one to fix that in me was again, a sweet Georgia peach who, as Southern culture demands, was a bit of a socialite, caring also for elder relatives,and never missed an important day in her life - And whether I cared or not, it would be unseemly to attend alone, and often required hanging onto an arm.

She figured out that I pay attention to my business calendar, never missing, whereupon she conned me into sharing that PIM to her account... and thereafter all those social functions began flooding into my days. Even, with legit authority I suppose, acting like my secretary, moving my crapnaround to shoehorn in an event.

Yeah... she drove me crazy... and she always got her way. Always.
I should have married that one...

[sneakypete]

That is hilarious.  But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......

It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety.  Man did that ever piss me off. When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off.

Well, we all know how those things go.       How many of you have dealt with the same.?

@catfish1957

How did THAT work out for you?

[sneakypete]

Nope. No share. MY food. I will tolerate the theft of a french fry or two to prove I love her... No one else could do that much.

That will never change. Heck, even the dog knows better.

@roamer_1

I am definitely NOT an expert of the "wife stuff",or even the "generic woman stuff",but I am GUESSING that she was NOT amused by the "even the dog knows better" comment.

How long did it take you to heal?

[libertybele]

Mrs. Joe and I were married on my birthday. No forgetting our Anniversary, and she was the best Birthday present I ever got.

That's a beautiful thing @Smokin Joe

[roamer_1]

@roamer_1

I am definitely NOT an expert of the "wife stuff",or even the "generic woman stuff",but I am GUESSING that she was NOT amused by the "even the dog knows better" comment.

How long did it take you to heal?

Nope. no messin with my vittles. You might could lose a hand 

[catfish1957]

@catfish1957

How did THAT work out for you?

What do you think?   -----X

[Hoodat]

Don't remember exactly asking, but did pay nearly 30 years for not doing it on one knee.

Hint HInt....  to young batchelors.  Don't make the same mistake.

I kept getting turned down until I bent the knee.

[Hoodat]

Alright... I don't remember nothing, and never have. It's only lately that I have become more aware of the importance of these dates to others. None of it matters a whit to me, except 4th of July, which I have often missed - working right through. But by and large, having no weekends and no important days of my own, it makes it hard to fathom in others.

The only one to fix that in me was again, a sweet Georgia peach who, as Southern culture demands, was a bit of a socialite, caring also for elder relatives,and never missed an important day in her life - And whether I cared or not, it would be unseemly to attend alone, and often required hanging onto an arm.

She figured out that I pay attention to my business calendar, never missing, whereupon she conned me into sharing that PIM to her account... and thereafter all those social functions began flooding into my days. Even, with legit authority I suppose, acting like my secretary, moving my crapn around to shoehorn in an event.

That's a good woman.  She recognized and accepted your shortcomings, and she a way to work around them.  She saw there was little use in playing the "Let's see if he remembers my birthday" game because she knew you would both lose.  You for not remembering, and her for expecting the impossible.

My wife will simply ask if I've come up with a plan for our anniversary or will throw out ideas about what would be nice for her birthday.  I couldn't ask for a better woman.  She is proof that G-d loves me.

[catfish1957]

I kept getting turned down until I bent the knee.

Another example and a good lesson to the young guys.....

If you don't turn this thing into a Hallmark Channel kind of RomCom thing, you just might not have much success.

[roamer_1]

That's a good woman.  She recognized and accepted your shortcomings, and she a way to work around them.  She saw there was little use in playing the "Let's see if he remembers my birthday" game because she knew you would both lose.  You for not remembering, and her for expecting the impossible.

My wife will simply ask if I've come up with a plan for our anniversary or will throw out ideas about what would be nice for her birthday.  I couldn't ask for a better woman.  She is proof that G-d loves me.

Yup. She was a veritable man-whisperer... She got her way, openly manipulating me to get it, and making me like it in the process. Absolutely stunning talent.

She did much the same as your wife... When I needed to buy her a gift, she would schedule several shopping lunches - not that I knew I was going shopping - and she was sure to put the things she liked in my hands... She knew dang well my mind was not on shopping, and hardly with her (I hate shopping), and that none of it would register unless I put my hands on it.

It took me years to figure out that part... long after we parted ways. I should have married that woman, I'll tell you what...

[verga]

That is hilarious.  But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......

It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety.  Man did that ever piss me off.  When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off. 

Well, we all know how those things go.       How many of you have dealt with the same.?

I will have know Vergette for 42 years February 27th. I am pretty sure that has been standard practice all that time. And after all these years I would not have it any different.

[verga]

Nailed it.  Women are wired by details, men-big pic stuff, no details.

With my engineering background and machinist training I have to be wired for both the big pictures and the tiny details. Sometimes that makes Vergette a little crazy. 

[sneakypete]

That is hilarious.  But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......

It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety.  Man did that ever piss me off.  When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off. 

Well, we all know how those things go.       How many of you have dealt with the same.?

@catfish1957

Yeah.

How did THAT work out for you?

[bigheadfred]

I sat next to a baby for a 10 hour flight.
I didn't think it was possible for someone to scream for 10 hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

[Smokin Joe]

I sat next to a baby for a 10 hour flight.
I didn't think it was possible for someone to scream for 10 hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

[Cyber Liberty]

I sat next to a baby for a 10 hour flight.
I didn't think it was possible for someone to scream for 10 hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

[rustynail]

https://twitter.com/MattWallace888/status/1773193090129396047

[sneakypete]

She is higher than a  Georgia  pine.

[Smokin Joe]

She is higher than a  Georgia  pine.

Either that, or she's been hitting the firewater...

[berdie]

What tree has the best kind of bark?

A dogwood

(Dad joke, lol)

[240B]

[ChemEngrMBA]

    If yall are gonna make @sneakypete a Category Moderator, My time in here won't be for long.  Can he BAN me?       

Love you Corbe. I've had him on IGNORE for a long time.

[Sighlass]

I sat next to a baby for a 10 hour flight.
I didn't think it was possible for someone to scream for 10 hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Such a simple joke that even a week later still has me laughing... I tried telling it to my boy, but he didn't get it fast enough and it was just awkward. Uggg....

[Hoodat]

http://youtube.com/shorts/HiDGfFOzfnk

[rustynail]

Laugh or cry?

Blade-Less Swiss Army Knife Debuts As Weapon Laws Tighten

In a world that is fracturing into a multipolar state, with risks of world war erupting in either Eastern Europe or the Middle East, continued threats of conflict in the Pacific, and the migrant invasion across Western countries, the company behind the iconic half-century-old fold-up tool, the Swiss Army Knife, will soon debut a blade-less version because of regulations.

Victorinox Chief Executive Officer Carl Eisner told Swiss paper Blick on Monday that its Swiss Army Knife will soon be available without a blade due to mounting regulations in European and Asian countries amid a surge in violence.

https://www.zerohedge.com/political/how-ridiculous-blade-less-swiss-army-knife-debuts-weapon-laws-tighten

[Cyber Liberty]

This is a crime against humanity.

[ChemEngrMBA]

Humorous, silly, crazy and useless are window stickers on automobiles that read:


BABY ON BOARD

as if we intended to plow into that particular car, but now since we see it has a "baby on board,"
we have to swerve and hit ANOTHER car instead.

Next time you see that stupid sticker, you will remember my ass toot observation.

[corbe]

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night”
She said, “Oh, that’s great! And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She nodded and said, “Yes, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

[mountaineer]

This is a crime against humanity.

The TSA morons still  will seize the knifeless Swiss Army non-knife. Those tiny little scissors are a weapon,  y'know. TSA seized my then-80 y/o mother's nail scissors when we were en route to Mayo Clinic for her cancer checkup.  She seemed dangerous to them.

[rustynail]

"Did you read in the paper about Lorena Bobbit getting badly injured in a car crash up in Boston?

Apparently some dick cut her off."

"My wife got into a car crash

The Cops suspended her license, and slapped her with a fine. She tried to argue that the guy was drinking and speaking on the phone. The Cops didn't care, they said he has a full right to do what he wants on his own front porch."

[Cyber Liberty]

[rustynail]

"A guy in a Porsche was doing 130. The cop who pulled him over said “Man, I’ve been waiting all day for you.” The driver replied, “I got here as soon as I could.”

"How do you move $100 Billion in laundered money?  Ucrane it…"

[DCPatriot]

Went to the drugstore to buy some condoms...cashier asks me if I need a bag.

No thank you...she's not THAT ugly!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Guy sitting on the sofa says, "I love you!!"
Wife says, "Is that you talking?  Or, the whiskey?
Guy says, "That's me talking to my whiskey!"

[DCPatriot]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFv1_INQkKs

Archie's Math Lesson

[corbe]

Two friends meet in heaven.
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?...
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[libertybele]

Two friends meet in heaven.
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?...
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.