Humor/Jokes

[Smokin Joe]

It may be downstream from a GFCI outlet...

But then you'd have to get out of the shower to reset it...

[roamer_1]

That outlet isn't GFCI.

LOL! You're kinda missing the point. 

[libertybele]

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, Some bleep has my pen. 

[libertybele]

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home: "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, please be careful!" Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!" 

[libertybele]

What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.       

[libertybele]

My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest hospital.

I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered through the - frankly very personal - examination.

When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question that sent shivers down my soul: “Who the heck was that?”

[libertybele]

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

[Kamaji]

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

[Cyber Liberty]

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

Choice!

[Gefn]

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

Ooh! Stealing !

[libertybele]

As I was walking into the hospital for my appointment, I came upon a food truck and had to do a double take. 

The sign on the food truck:

PRACTICE SAFE EATING.  USE CONDIMENTS.        

[Kamaji]

As I was walking into the hospital for my appointment, I came upon a food truck and had to do a double take. 

The sign on the food truck:

PRACTICE SAFE EATING.  USE CONDIMENTS.        

[libertybele]

[libertybele]

[Bigun]

 

[Kamaji]

A man goes to his doctor and says ‘Doctor, I have a terrible problem… Every time I urinate, the pee goes everywhere, I can’t control it’.

The doctor says ‘Right, drop your trousers and lets have a look’…

After a quick examination he says ‘Ah, I see your problem, your penis has holes all along its length… I’m going to refer you to a chap I know’.

That’s great says the man, is he an expert on this sort of thing?

‘No’, says the doctor, ‘he’s a flute player, he’ll show you how to hold it’….

[Kamaji]

Sounds Familiar :

Common sense...........

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. 'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age.

We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cellphones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, ...and,' pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation?'

The applause was resounding...

I love senior citizens

[Kamaji]

Government job

A guy goes to the Government to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.

"Okay, have you ever been in the military?"

“Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

[libertybele]

I told my friend that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.  She seemed surprised! 

What do you call a bear with no teeth??    ...............  A gummy bear. 

[Kamaji]

I told my friend that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.  She seemed surprised! 

What do you call a bear with no teeth??    ...............  A gummy bear. 

[corbe]

 
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..

[Kamaji]

 
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..

[berdie]

 
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..

That is not only funny...it's a very valid point.

[sneakypete]

 
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..

@corbe

VERY true!

[libertybele]

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!     

[Smokin Joe]

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!     

>groan<

[mountaineer]

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

‘What’s up?’ says the driver.

 ‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.

 ‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

[corbe]

MEDICARE "PLAN G-1"

- Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government
says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G-1"!!! The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (
Plan G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot yourself, OR one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you'll receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library,and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip,
knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you about as often as they do now!
Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you
to go into a nursing home. As an added bonus you will get rid of a useless politician while you are
at it.

And, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?

[Hoodat]

MEDICARE "PLAN G-1"

- Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government
says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G-1"!!! The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (
Plan G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot yourself, OR one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you'll receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library,and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip,
knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you about as often as they do now!
Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you
to go into a nursing home. As an added bonus you will get rid of a useless politician while you are
at it.

And, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?

I think you are on to something here, @corbe

[Smokin Joe]

MEDICARE "PLAN G-1"

- Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government
says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G-1"!!! The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (
Plan G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot yourself, OR one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you'll receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library,and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip,
knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you about as often as they do now!
Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you
to go into a nursing home. As an added bonus you will get rid of a useless politician while you are
at it.

And, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?

The only downside is that you won't be able to collect your social security. That said, depending on where you go, I hear the wood shop can be really well set up.

[GtHawk]

The only downside is that you won't be able to collect your social security. That said, depending on where you go, I hear the wood shop can be really well set up.

Wood shop...ain't that what they call the showers in prison?

[Smokin Joe]

Wood shop...ain't that what they call the showers in prison?

Nah. It's where the prisoners make very nice furniture for the Government offices here.

[Right_in_Virginia]

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.  "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.

Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."

"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.

When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….

"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....

[verga]

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.  "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.

Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."

"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.

When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….

"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....

I thought he was going to bring a bunch of the Miami Dolphins

[libertybele]

What happens to a toad's car when it breaks down?

 It gets toad away.

What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?

A box of quackers!



 

[Cyber Liberty]

[berdie]

  At the lion and the ostrich. 

[libertybele]

I know you've all been waiting patiently for a little Christmas humor

What do elves learn in school?

The Elf-abet!


Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho   


What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?

We'll have a boo Christmas without you.   

[libertybele]

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?

Because it has long-distance runners on each side. 

[Polly Ticks]

Why was the letter "e" the only letter of the alphabet that got a Christmas present?

Because all the other letters were not-e.

[ChemEngrMBA]

The American Medical Association held a conference in MIami so that its members could enjoy the beautiful weather.

One doctor from Manhattan went into the Lottery Bar and ordered a martini. 

Bartender said cheerfully, "That'll be ten cents please."  The doctor could scarcely believe a martini was only a dime, but it was the best drink he ever had!

​"I don't know how you do it, but I'll have another martini, and how about some macadamia nuts?"
"Coming right up.  That'll be a dime for the martini and a dime for a big dish of macadamia nuts."

​"You see, doc, a few years back I hit the Lotto Jackpot and I bought this bar so I could offer the best drinks at giveaway prices.  That way I make new friends every day to talk to.  Great fun!"

​Doctor says, "You're a real sport.  I just have to ask, why are those four gray-haired guys sitting in the corner with no drinks or snacks?"


Bartender:  "You know these Florida seniors.  They're waiting for Happy Hour when everything is half price."

[bigheadfred]

An elderly couple entered a McDonald's and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.

The old man walked over and placed an order for himself.

He unwrapped the burger and cut it in half and put the other half next to his wife. Carefully he counted out the fries and gave her half.

He put two straws in a soda and put it between him and his wife.

The old lady began to eat her half of the burger, whilst people stared at them compassionately.

A young man approached them and offered to buy them another meal.

The old woman replied, “Do not bother, we are used to sharing everything.”

Everyone realized the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.

The young man approached and offered again.

This time it was the old man who explained, “It's okay, we are used to sharing everything.

The young man then asked the old man, “What are you waiting for then?”

He said, “She has the teeth.”

[Bigun]

An elderly couple entered a McDonald's and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.

The old man walked over and placed an order for himself.

He unwrapped the burger and cut it in half and put the other half next to his wife. Carefully he counted out the fries and gave her half.

He put two straws in a soda and put it between him and his wife.

The old lady began to eat her half of the burger, whilst people stared at them compassionately.

A young man approached them and offered to buy them another meal.

The old woman replied, “Do not bother, we are used to sharing everything.”

Everyone realized the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.

The young man approached and offered again.

This time it was the old man who explained, “It's okay, we are used to sharing everything.

The young man then asked the old man, “What are you waiting for then?”

He said, “She has the teeth.”

 

[catfish1957]

That is hilarious.  But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......

It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety.  Man did that ever piss me off.  When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off. 

Well, we all know how those things go.       How many of you have dealt with the same.?

[Bigun]

That is hilarious.  But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......

It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety.  Man did that ever piss me off.  When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off. 

Well, we all know how those things go.       How many of you have dealt with the same.?

My wife and I will soon celebrate our 56th anniversary and STILL debate over whether the Toilet paper goes over or under!

[Cyber Liberty]

My wife and I will soon celebrate our 56th anniversary and STILL debate over whether the Toilet paper goes over or under!

That was one of the first times I just knuckled under.  I already know better than to argue over inconsequential things.

 

[Polly Ticks]

That was one of the first times I just knuckled under.  I already know better than to argue over inconsequential things.

 

We're only at 30 years, but I would tend to agree with you there.  The important thing is that there is TP in the necessary room.  I can always turn it around and/or place it on the holder while I'm otherwise occupied in there!

[Bigun]

That was one of the first times I just knuckled under.  I already know better than to argue over inconsequential things.

 

  These days I mostly just say yes dear and move on.

[Lando Lincoln]

Mrs. Lando and I have 35 years and counting. She put up with my career and the various moves it demanded, Dad and the boys doing guy things, and all that kind of stuff.  If she wants the teeth first, she can have ‘em.

[roamer_1]

That is hilarious.  But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......

It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety.  Man did that ever piss me off.  When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off. 

Well, we all know how those things go.       How many of you have dealt with the same.?

Nope. No share. MY food. I will tolerate the theft of a french fry or two to prove I love her... No one else could do that much.

That will never change. Heck, even the dog knows better.