The Adventures of Florida Man: a running thread

[roamer_1]

All the reeds where I grew up were plugged, like the cross baffles in bamboo. 

Well no wonder you couldn't breath through em. If you get up this way, I will show you how with a cattail shoot. Just how to make it I mean... I haven't done it for real with anybody present since I was eight.

 

[Smokin Joe]

Well no wonder you couldn't breath through em. If you get up this way, I will show you how with a cattail shoot. Just how to make it I mean... I haven't done it for real with anybody present since I was eight.

 

We didn't have cattails where I grew up, I reckon that's why it didn't work.

[roamer_1]

We didn't have cattails where I grew up, I reckon that's why it didn't work.

 

I never heard of such a thing!

[bigheadfred]

We didn't have cattails where I grew up, I reckon that's why it didn't work.

Also explains why it took so long for you to escape.

[sneakypete]

I never heard of such a thing!

@roamer_1   Doesn't really have to be a cattail. AFAIN,pretty much any reed will work,and so will bamboo.

However,regardless of what it is you want to try,it is a MUST to blow air through it before going underwater and trying to suck air through it. You don't want to grab one that was broken at the top,and full of spiders,for example.

[bigheadfred]

@roamer_1   Doesn't really have to be a cattail. AFAIN,pretty much any reed will work,and so will bamboo.

However,regardless of what it is you want to try,it is a MUST to blow air through it before going underwater and trying to suck air through it. You don't want to grab one that was broken at the top,and full of spiders,for example.

Also has to be the right length. If it is too long you are breathing in the same air you breathe out.

[Smokin Joe]

I never heard of such a thing!

We had brackish tidewater swamps and marshes, but no cattails.

[Smokin Joe]

Also explains why it took so long for you to escape.

Got bogged down in the swamp mud....

[jmyrlefuller]

Florida man arrested for stealing drills, batteries to pay for his ankle monitor

John Wayne Parker Jr., 32, was arrested in December on an aggravated assault charge in Palatka, Florida. He was sentenced to wear an ankle monitor so that authorities could keep track of his movements. Then Parker, unable to keep up with the monitor's monthly fees, turned to petty crime.

The pattern of thefts began on January 20. Parker allegedly first burglarized a local store for $3,000 worth of cigarettes to sell by smashing the front window of a local Hitchcock's Market. Then drills, batteries and other sundry items disappeared from the back of a work truck at a local business.

https://www.newsweek.com/florida-man-arrested-stealing-drills-batteries-pay-his-ankle-monitor-fee-1484302

This almost qualifies for Ridiculous News of the Day.

[jmyrlefuller]

Florida Man Update: Easter Bunny brawler arrested again

Antoine McDonald, 21, drove his motorcycle through a stop sign and crashed into a carport, which collapsed and damaged a car before he fled the scene on Jan. 16, the Florida Highway Patrol said. They discovered McDonald, wearing the bunny costume, in the backseat, the report said. Deputies told McDonald to remove the costume before arresting him, but the 21-year-old maintained his innocence.

“I wasn’t in any crash. I’m the Orlando Easter bunny, Google it,” McDonald told deputies, according to the report.

https://www.foxnews.com/us/florida-man-arrest-easter-bunny-viral

[sneakypete]

Florida man arrested for stealing drills, batteries to pay for his ankle monitor

John Wayne Parker Jr., 32, was arrested in December on an aggravated assault charge in Palatka, Florida. He was sentenced to wear an ankle monitor so that authorities could keep track of his movements. Then Parker, unable to keep up with the monitor's monthly fees, turned to petty crime.

The pattern of thefts began on January 20. Parker allegedly first burglarized a local store for $3,000 worth of cigarettes to sell by smashing the front window of a local Hitchcock's Market. Then drills, batteries and other sundry items disappeared from the back of a work truck at a local business.

https://www.newsweek.com/florida-man-arrested-stealing-drills-batteries-pay-his-ankle-monitor-fee-1484302

This almost qualifies for Ridiculous News of the Day.

@jmyrlefuller

According to the organization Equal Justice Under the Law, ankle monitors cost between $175 and $200 to set up. Daily fees can run anywhere between $5 to $20.

In this retards defense,that is a HELL of a lot of money for mouth-breathers like him to come up with. Chances are he doesn't even clear 20 bucks a day after living expenses when he works,which isn't often because he most likely doesn't have any skills beyond labor.

Putting a ankle bracklet on him and then charging him for wearing it is almost asking him to commit crimes to come up with the money. It's akin to shooting over a baited field.

[Cyber Liberty]

@jmyrlefuller

In this retards defense,that is a HELL of a lot of money for mouth-breathers like him to come up with. Chances are he doesn't even clear 20 bucks a day after living expenses when he works,which isn't often because he most likely doesn't have any skills beyond labor.

Putting a ankle bracklet on him and then charging him for wearing it is almost asking him to commit crimes to come up with the money. It's akin to shooting over a baited field.

Ankle bracelets are like traffic school for getting a ticket:  It's a racket.  There is no way it costs $5-20 to monitor a prisoner for a day.  It's automated.

[sneakypete]

Ankle bracelets are like traffic school for getting a ticket:  It's a racket.  There is no way it costs $5-20 to monitor a prisoner for a day.  It's automated.

@Cyber Liberty

Exactly! Chances are the ankle bracelets were invented by someone with political connections that got them adopted by the court system,and it's been nothing but gravy money for them ever since. They probably only have 3 people in a room over a 24 hour period waiting for a light to flash or a buzzer to go off so they can call the cops. They probably don't get paid much more than 10 bucks an hour for a 8 hour shift. That makes for a lot of "gravy" for the judges/court system,as well as the relatives of the pols and judges that approved the system.

[Cyber Liberty]

@Cyber Liberty

Exactly! Chances are the ankle bracelets were invented by someone with political connections that got them adopted by the court system,and it's been nothing but gravy money for them ever since. They probably only have 3 people in a room over a 24 hour period waiting for a light to flash or a buzzer to go off so they can call the cops. They probably don't get paid much more than 10 bucks an hour for a 8 hour shift. That makes for a lot of "gravy" for the judges/court system,as well as the relatives of the pols and judges that approved the system.

It's the same business model for red-light cameras.  A private company provides the cameras to cities for free, and get a kickback for the revenue they generate for the cities.  It's a racket.

[bigheadfred]

It's the same business model for red-light cameras.  A private company provides the cameras to cities for free, and get a kickback for the revenue they generate for the cities.  It's a racket.

Tennis, anyone?

I knew of a guy who did a nickel for burglary. Paroled out. They told him they were placing him on the lowest level of supervision. They actually had him on double secret. Filmed him breaking into a place and coming back out with a sackful of fun. He was out for 10 days. Right back in for another nickel.

[sneakypete]

Tennis, anyone?

I knew of a guy who did a nickel for burglary. Paroled out. They told him they were placing him on the lowest level of supervision. They actually had him on double secret. Filmed him breaking into a place and coming back out with a sackful of fun. He was out for 10 days. Right back in for another nickel.

@bigheadfred

Some people are such slow learners they probably need to be locked up for their own good.

[verga]

@bigheadfred

Some people are such slow learners they probably need to be locked up for their own good.

Hey, I thought you weren't going to say mean things about me on the forum anymore.

[sneakypete]

Hey, I thought you weren't going to say mean things about me on the forum anymore.

@verga

Please accept my apologies. I didn't know you were watching.

[bigheadfred]

@verga

Please accept my apologies. I didn't know you were watching.

That'll teach you to keep the door to your basement closed.

[Lando Lincoln]

Florida Man Can't Bring Life-Size Cutout Of Trump To Dialysis Treatment

[jmyrlefuller]

Florida man's downward spiral leads to halfhearted bank robbery as a 'cry for help'

A 74-year-old Florida man whose halfhearted attempt at bank robbery was caused by depression after his wife's death will not spend any time in jail, it was announced Friday. Hawkins, unarmed, walked into a Wells Fargo branch in Boca Raton on Nov. 18 and demanded $1,100 from the teller. When she counted out $2,000, he told her it was too much and had her count out the right amount. He says he doesn't know why he asked for that amount.

He then left the bank and the moneybag got caught in some bushes, so he left it. It was never recovered.

“It was my way of, basically, a cry for help," Hawkins said.

https://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/elderly-halfhearted-florida-bank-robber-jailed-68989299

[mountaineer]

How very sad!

[mountaineer]

The Adventures of Florida Snakes (subcategory):

Mating snakes prompt closure of part of Florida park
Associated Press | Saturday, February 15, 2020 2:21 p.m.

LAKELAND, Fla. — A Florida city shut down a section of a lake Thursday after receiving reports of swarming snakes. Turns out, the slithery creatures were just celebrating Valentine’s Day a little early.

The Lakeland Parks & Recreation department wrote on its Facebook page that a group of non-venomous water snakes congregated to mate near a traffic roundabout. ...

Full story

[jmyrlefuller]

Florida man arrested for ranting, raving and roaming around in a trailer park with his pants off

The perpetrator, a 30-year-old man from Jensen Beach, was not named in the news report. Yes, alcohol was involved.

https://www.tcpalm.com/story/news/blogs/off-the-beat/2020/02/18/man-no-pants-rants-jensen-beach/4726482002/

[goatprairie]

Do they EVER!!! have their pants on when go ranting and raving?   

[jmyrlefuller]

Florida men botch a pharmacy robbery by leaving a trail of pill bottles to their hideout

The three men who held up a CVS Pharmacy on New Year’s Day (...) made off with a boatload of drugs in white garbage bags — more than 10,000 pills that contained the opioids hydrocodone and oxycodone, according to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office. It had an estimated street value of about $320,000.

But as detectives investigated the area around the store, located at 30387 U.S. 19 N, they started noticing pill bottles, according to an arrest warrant. The robbers, it appeared, had emptied the bottles as they made their getaway, then tossed them out the window of their car.

Detectives started following the pill bottles like bread crumbs, eventually leading to a house at 1045 West Ave. There, they found the same White Chrysler 200 that had been recorded on surveillance camera fleeing the scene. White cotton and a pill bottle cap lay on the ground nearby.

https://www.tampabay.com/news/crime/2020/02/19/they-held-up-a-clearwater-cvs-then-a-trail-of-pill-bottles-led-police-to-their-door/

[sneakypete]

Florida men botch a pharmacy robbery by leaving a trail of pill bottles to their hideout

The three men who held up a CVS Pharmacy on New Year’s Day (...) made off with a boatload of drugs in white garbage bags — more than 10,000 pills that contained the opioids hydrocodone and oxycodone, according to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office. It had an estimated street value of about $320,000.

But as detectives investigated the area around the store, located at 30387 U.S. 19 N, they started noticing pill bottles, according to an arrest warrant. The robbers, it appeared, had emptied the bottles as they made their getaway, then tossed them out the window of their car.

Detectives started following the pill bottles like bread crumbs, eventually leading to a house at 1045 West Ave. There, they found the same White Chrysler 200 that had been recorded on surveillance camera fleeing the scene. White cotton and a pill bottle cap lay on the ground nearby.

https://www.tampabay.com/news/crime/2020/02/19/they-held-up-a-clearwater-cvs-then-a-trail-of-pill-bottles-led-police-to-their-door/

@jmyrlefuller

Some people just need to be in prison to protect them from themselves.

[bigheadfred]

Florida man gets naked to escape DeLand store; ribeyes fall out of his pants

That'll Leave A Mark--A Short Story

By Patricio G. Balona
Posted Feb 17, 2020 at 2:56 PM Updated Feb 17, 2020 at 3:27 PM

Witnesses reported to police that in an attempt to get away, the suspect wriggled out of his clothes and got naked as meat packs began to fall out of his pants.

A shoplifter trying to get away from a DeLand store stripped naked and steaks tumbled out of his pants, police said.

Police found a Stefan Short, 28, of DeLand, running out of the store in the buff, and when he refused to stop officers shot him with a Taser, a report states.
 
~snip~

Short was taken to the hospital after it was discovered that a Taser prong struck him in the genitals, a report states.

[Smokin Joe]

Florida man gets naked to escape DeLand store; ribeyes fall out of his pants

That'll Leave A Mark--A Short Story

By Patricio G. Balona
Posted Feb 17, 2020 at 2:56 PM Updated Feb 17, 2020 at 3:27 PM

Witnesses reported to police that in an attempt to get away, the suspect wriggled out of his clothes and got naked as meat packs began to fall out of his pants.

A shoplifter trying to get away from a DeLand store stripped naked and steaks tumbled out of his pants, police said.

Police found a Stefan Short, 28, of DeLand, running out of the store in the buff, and when he refused to stop officers shot him with a Taser, a report states.
 
~snip~

Short was taken to the hospital after it was discovered that a Taser prong struck him in the genitals, a report states.

Hmmmm. Souds like something got 'shorted', all right...

[sneakypete]

Florida man gets naked to escape DeLand store; ribeyes fall out of his pants

That'll Leave A Mark--A Short Story

By Patricio G. Balona
Posted Feb 17, 2020 at 2:56 PM Updated Feb 17, 2020 at 3:27 PM

~snip~

Short was taken to the hospital after it was discovered that a Taser prong struck him in the genitals, a report states.

@bigheadfred

That does it! Now his girlfried is going to have to taze  him in the nuggets every Friday night to get him excited.

[Smokin Joe]

@bigheadfred

That does it! Now his girlfried is going to have to taze  him in the nuggets every Friday night to get him excited.

Error 404 (Not Found)!!1

[bigheadfred]

@bigheadfred

That does it! Now his girlfried is going to have to taze  him in the nuggets every Friday night to get him excited.

Not to be the grammar police but girlfried made me lol and think of Manfried Mann...


Error 404 (Not Found)!!1

[sneakypete]

Not to be the grammar police but girlfried made me lol and think of Manfried Mann...


Error 404 (Not Found)!!1

@bigheadfred

LOL! I didn't even spot that typo,much less do it on purpose. Now I wish I had so I could take credit for it,because you just KNOW that if Bubba does have a girlfriend,she is surely "fried".

[jmyrlefuller]

Florida man walks into Denny's at 3 am, repeatedly offers to show his nether-regions to customers

They said no, and he was arrested. Later that day, he was arrested again stealing donuts from a convenience store, then tried to bribe the cop with said stolen donuts. It was part of a string of bizarre behavior for 24-year-old Allan Ibanez of Clearwater.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/lewd-offering-ihop-menu-042356

[sneakypete]

Florida man walks into Denny's at 3 am, repeatedly offers to show his nether-regions to customers

They said no, and he was arrested. Later that day, he was arrested again stealing donuts from a convenience store, then tried to bribe the cop with said stolen donuts. It was part of a string of bizarre behavior for 24-year-old Allan Ibanez of Clearwater.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/lewd-offering-ihop-menu-042356

@jmyrlefuller

What kind of unfair world are we living in,where you can't bribe a cop with donuts?

[240B]

The Adventures of Florida Woman

[sneakypete]

The Adventures of Florida Woman

@240B

He was either VERY tiny,or that was one really big suitcase.

[Cyber Liberty]

Not sure I'd be letting this one zip me up in a sleeping bag, let alone a suitcase.

[jmyrlefuller]

Yikes.

I've tried to keep the stuff that involves murder or serious crimes out of this thread, but this is Goodbye Earl level stuff right there.

[catfish1957]

Not sure I'd be letting this one zip me up in a sleeping bag, let alone a suitcase.

Maybe the best media representation of this demographic, was the Breaking Bad episode when the Meth Head couple hijacks an ATM.

[sneakypete]

Maybe the best media representation of this demographic, was the Breaking Bad episode when the Meth Head couple hijacks an ATM.

@catfish1957

Breaking Bad is without question one of the most creative and best tv programs ever broadcast. IIRC,at least one year it aired it had more viewers than the Super Bowl,and that was every week.

Shameless was another I couldn't wait to watch. It is on it's final season now,and I am glad it is ending. Frank has already done so much there is nothing left for him to do to shock you into laughter,and now it is just mostly disgusting now that Debbie has taken over as the Chief Sociopath. The only reason I even watch this season is to see how the rest of them end up.

[Sighlass]

Hospital worker charged with sucking toes of patient

https://newschannel9.com/news/offbeat/hospital-worker-charged-with-sucking-toes-of-patient

[verga]

Hospital worker charged with sucking toes of patient

https://newschannel9.com/news/offbeat/hospital-worker-charged-with-sucking-toes-of-patient

Bob Beckel works in a hospital now?

[Bigun]

Bob Beckel works in a hospital now?

Maybe it's Dick Morris.

[jmyrlefuller]

A Florida woman story...
Marijuana in bra leads to bigger bust
https://www.mypanhandle.com/news/jcso-marijuana-in-bra-leads-to-bigger-bust/

[240B]

A Florida woman story...
Marijuana in bra leads to bigger bust
https://www.mypanhandle.com/news/jcso-marijuana-in-bra-leads-to-bigger-bust/

har har har
The real story is the comedian funny guy who wrote the headline.

[Cyber Liberty]

har har har
The real story is the comedian funny guy who wrote the headline.

Gonna miss those headlines when pot gets legal everywhere....

[goatprairie]

A Florida woman story...
Marijuana in bra leads to bigger bust
https://www.mypanhandle.com/news/jcso-marijuana-in-bra-leads-to-bigger-bust/

There are so many stories in the news and on tv, Live Pd etc. where the cops stop a car for a minor violation (tail light out, etc.) I'm beginning to suspect every time I see a car, usually older model, with a tail light out, multiple dents, dirty, etc. that they are druggies. Also drivers who commit traffic violations (speeding, not using turn signals, inattentive driving, etc.) Obviously, a driver, ceteris paribus,  affected by drugs or alcohol is more likely to commit a traffic offense.
So, are druggies more likely to take poorer care of their vehicles and be poorer drivers in general than non-druggies?

[sneakypete]

So, are druggies more likely to take poorer care of their vehicles and be poorer drivers in general than non-druggies?

@goatprairie

Well,heavy drug users have "more important" things to spend their money on than flashy cars,and generally speaking,they are high when driving.

Ain't no mystery involved in this.

[goatprairie]

@goatprairie

Well,heavy drug users have "more important" things to spend their money on than flashy cars,and generally speaking,they are high when driving.

Ain't no mystery involved in this.

Yes, but you might think if they've got the dough to spend/waste on drugs, they'd be a little more cautious about taking care of their vehicle and not driving like an idiot so as not to attract the fuzz. From watching a lot of LivePd (the wife's favorite program) that would be a wrong assumption.
Apparently, many druggies think they can drive like maniacs, leave their car in a poor state, and nobody important i.e. the police will notice.