The Briefing Room
Members Only area => Jokes and Humor => Topic started by: sneakypete on May 29, 2021, 03:20:58 pm
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@mystery-ak
Myst,there should be a dedicated board/thread/whatever you call it for NOTHING but jokes and other humorous things.
I am NOT including humorous political slurs in this definition. Leave them for the political boards.
A thread where people can check in each day and maybe get a smile from it,if not a belly laugh. Who doesn't enjoy a good belly laugh to start off their day?
Anyhow,I am now watching DCI Banks on Brit Box,and one cop tells this joke to his female patrol partner.
"How can you identify a feminist?"
Answer,"She looks like ET".
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:bkmk:
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If yall are gonna make @sneakypete a Category Moderator, My time in here won't be for long. Can he BAN me? :rolling:
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(https://i.postimg.cc/rsXqPbZ4/2019-2021.jpg)
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I have moved the Silliness Thread to this category, where it fits.
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It fits well here @jmyrlefuller good call, it's much better than Sports/Entertainment/Arts or wherever it was but should it be 'Members Only'?
Just asking for a Friend.
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It fits well here @jmyrlefuller good call, it's much better than Sports/Entertainment/Arts or wherever it was but should it be 'Members Only'?
Just asking for a Friend.
Well, considering the Moderator I thought it was a smart move. LOL!
Love ya, @sneakypete, and congrats on being named Moderator! :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer:
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It fits well here @jmyrlefuller good call, it's much better than Sports/Entertainment/Arts or wherever it was but should it be 'Members Only'?
Just asking for a Friend.
Well, it'll let us be even sillier than usual. Which, I am sure, certain members of this board will embrace.
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If yall are gonna make @sneakypete a Category Moderator, My time in here won't be for long. Can he BAN me? :rolling:
@corbe
Let it be known that I now have a brand new pair of shiny jackboots,and I am taking bribes/uhhh,accepting cash donations.
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BTW,I will be going back into the hospital for a few days tomorrow,so yall behave yourselves while I am gone.
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Hospitals usually block all p0rn access @sneakypete
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Hospitals usually block all p0rn access @sneakypete
@corbe
Ok,so I will just have my ex visit me. She is between husbands right now,so that should work out ok.
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Probably TMI but I had sex in a hospital patients bathroom, with the patient, complete with portable IV. It was lousy.
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OK, nice. I like this thread.
(https://i.imgur.com/zjnHPRO.jpg)
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(https://i.imgur.com/vojNzj1.jpg)
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Burns To Pee
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_FiG8haePA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_FiG8haePA)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/914f11a73d1c4634463b901e13765affb41755df7881077492e50029c5743300.png)
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A Feather (weight) and a Red (splotch) Indian walk into a bar....
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I've just about had it with this tomfoolery....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W8gADOplmY
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8a27b607972e064de2175954052091f8dd02101092ae7a6ade08d70a8f73d511.jpg)
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https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8a27b607972e064de2175954052091f8dd02101092ae7a6ade08d70a8f73d511.jpg
LOL! I have that print framed/mounted in my living room.
It's says "ad occhi chiusi" on top and "OLD RACING" on the bottom.
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I had to look up that Italian "ad occhi chiusi" @DCPatriot in English it means "with your eyes closed", right?
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I had to look up that Italian "ad occhi chiusi" @DCPatriot in English it means "with your eyes closed", right?
LOL! You just taught me, @corbe
I bought it at a flea market already framed. Seller told me it was a marketing campaign for an Italian Motorcycle company and quite popular back in the day.
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BTW,I will be going back into the hospital for a few days tomorrow,so yall behave yourselves while I am gone.
Today is day three...
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Damn @thackney I hope he's OK or recovering well.
US OLD MEN heal a lot slower, it seems. I had 15 stitches 8 days ago and just put on jeans for the first time since. Can't even mow my small yard or drive.
Thank You @Texas Robin for EVERYTHING!!!!!!
PS: I'm out of Cherry Bourbon Jell-O Shots. 66666heart
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ca4179ab94e4a3a70b32518dbc60c4b23df87f9e5ba6fbc20d968dcff2c47a55.jpg)
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Today is day three...
We haven't heard from him yet, @thackney.
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We haven't heard from him yet, @thackney.
Thinking positive thoughts.
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b9fa12870286012b3acb597948bff6c4bc007a1df79b9a9622b813749bc96137.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b9fa12870286012b3acb597948bff6c4bc007a1df79b9a9622b813749bc96137.jpg)
That looks suspiciously like my wife's bathroom sink. (Right, gentlemen?)
I don't even want to discuss the shower.
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c7ae26a96a2ff137219ac285faf96aab6d557afc10244ba78c6b844c7a9f72a8.jpg)
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Today is day three...
@thackney
AND......I'm back.
And in desperate need of some humor.
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@thackney
AND......I'm back.
And in desperate need of some humor.
We have been worried about you...
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We have been worried about you...
Yes, we have!
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@thackney
AND......I'm back.
And in desperate need of some humor.
@sneakypete
Luv ya, buddy! :beer:
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@thackney
AND......I'm back.
And in desperate need of some humor.
Welcome back, @sneakypete . Glad you made it back OK.
(https://i.imgur.com/GRTkaOj.jpg)
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My girlfriend who can't eat fries because they make her fat ...
ATE ALL MY FRIES!
Should I order you some?
NO! I can't have fries ...
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@thackney
AND......I'm back.
And in desperate need of some humor.
Desperate humor I got
(https://365jokesforkids.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/joke-for-kids-221_cow.jpg)
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(https://i.pinimg.com/736x/36/39/8e/36398e4a4a820564d13dde513820978b--funny-adult-jokes-funny-memes.jpg)
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(https://i.pinimg.com/736x/ef/c0/de/efc0de6596ea6ff24e6842084aa472d3--funny-jokes-funny-shit.jpg)
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(https://sayingimages.com/wp-content/uploads/can-i-bring-man-flu-meme.jpg)
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Desperate humor I got
(https://365jokesforkids.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/joke-for-kids-221_cow.jpg)
@thackney
DAYUM! You would think that I would have noticed something that obvious,wouldn't you?
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(https://i.pinimg.com/736x/36/39/8e/36398e4a4a820564d13dde513820978b--funny-adult-jokes-funny-memes.jpg)
@corbe
THAT one should come accompanied with "WARNING,DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!" in the biggest and reddest fonts available.
As a wise man once noted "Ah pity the fool!!"
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(https://i.imgur.com/ah8bt30.png)
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(https://i.imgur.com/ah8bt30.png)
@240B
And most important of all,an off-shore bank account to accept donations.
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@240B
And most important of all,an off-shore bank account to accept donations.
I call these people and the Pope "super-Atheists".
They don't just 'not believe in God'.
They make God their bitch.
You really have to have no fear of anything to walk the road they live on.
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c7ae26a96a2ff137219ac285faf96aab6d557afc10244ba78c6b844c7a9f72a8.jpg)
Dark forces lurk in computers, even 'dumb' ones...who says it was an accident?
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(https://i.imgur.com/RMAgMPw.gif)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bbd417ca29aec930fc4539a06a7d4baf315b08a0e2f20fcdcf04a92862f6f4aa.jpg)
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A biden favorite:
(https://scontent-atl3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/198471404_1203281156854516_3726308019438414829_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=tg0vTLAm61AAX8HIj2M&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-2.xx&oh=c83afeb7f757ac9f50db70dd59711d93&oe=60E740F1)
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A biden favorite:
(https://scontent-atl3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/198471404_1203281156854516_3726308019438414829_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=tg0vTLAm61AAX8HIj2M&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-2.xx&oh=c83afeb7f757ac9f50db70dd59711d93&oe=60E740F1)
@Wingnut
Try again.
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Damn @thackney I hope he's OK or recovering well.
US OLD MEN heal a lot slower, it seems. I had 15 stitches 8 days ago and just put on jeans for the first time since. Can't even mow my small yard or drive.
Thank You @Texas Robin for EVERYTHING!!!!!!
PS: I'm out of Cherry Bourbon Jell-O Shots. 66666heart
8888crybaby @corbe I've made Butterscotch scnapps and cranberry jello, not to bad. Then I made cherry jello with coconut voldka and Chambord (dark rasberry liquer - to sip). those turned out real good. :yowsa: ***magic
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You are a strange Woman @Texas Robin with your Liquor selections BUT I really enjoy your company, Jell-O shots or not. :beer:
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@corbe @Texas Robin
Yes, the coconut set me off a bit, but it seems to me you are in good hands. It sounds like all y'all are doing better!
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(https://i.imgur.com/rPXcDeP.jpg)
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(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/198994980_10227205976878310_7789511455975257071_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=v69qV8L8bw0AX9sBMfn&tn=mibiRG87VMbtMPZ6&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=2eb6a7640d64d0d475366679637ca76c&oe=60E8FAC7)
(http://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/198333182_10227189634709766_7110933213324863520_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=-yY8yns61NUAX9DYghz&tn=Ajd50ZK3XrK5j-b9&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=d3b18516061b34701ac0b5f3459cea2d&oe=60E7536A)
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(http://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/198719008_1557552151287928_5329080339986782970_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=yQFyZwimxcsAX-jNrdb&_nc_oc=AQnwT7bQ4UWEQpGzhbNGpOKHzVHTKrCTgpgk-KmLkTsPa-mIFawkHRoiZJOXaxtW8Pk&tn=Ajd50ZK3XrK5j-b9&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=27fefe3598fc2d49a29cb06b75689e7b&oe=60E807BD)
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(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/198719008_1557552151287928_5329080339986782970_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=yQFyZwimxcsAX-jNrdb&_nc_oc=AQnwT7bQ4UWEQpGzhbNGpOKHzVHTKrCTgpgk-KmLkTsPa-mIFawkHRoiZJOXaxtW8Pk&tn=Ajd50ZK3XrK5j-b9&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=27fefe3598fc2d49a29cb06b75689e7b&oe=60E807BD)
LOL
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@DCPatriot
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/198333182_10227189634709766_7110933213324863520_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=-yY8yns61NUAX9DYghz&tn=Ajd50ZK3XrK5j-b9&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=d3b18516061b34701ac0b5f3459cea2d&oe=60E7536A)
Stay away from anyone named Booth and don't drive Fords.
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@DCPatriot
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/198333182_10227189634709766_7110933213324863520_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=-yY8yns61NUAX9DYghz&tn=Ajd50ZK3XrK5j-b9&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=d3b18516061b34701ac0b5f3459cea2d&oe=60E7536A)
Stay away from anyone named Booth and don't drive Fords.
@corbe
@truth_seeker RIP
LOL!
Poor agents' clients are damned sick and tired of being 'Bridesmaids' and never the Bride in these multiple offer situations...which is virtually every circumstance today.
It's emotionally taxing on Realtors.
That said, it wouldn't hurt to get as much information as you can about your BUYER AGENT in terms as his experience and number of transactions per years, etc..
The more business he/she does, the higher number of other productive agents are familiar with him.
Personally, today, I'd just call the agent on the sign on the front lawn. The Listing agent is the only person that knows the details of every offer.
You want the damned house. Give the Listing Agent the chance at both ends in exchange for insider trading information. LOL!
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@corbe
(http://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fs1.ibtimes.com%2Fsites%2Fwww.ibtimes.com%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2Fembed%2Fpublic%2F2021%2F06%2F08%2Fford-maverick2l-ecoboost-awdlariat01.jpg&f=1&nofb=1)
Oh...but that new Ford Maverick Lariat for under $30K.....NAWWWWWW 22222frying pan
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I paid $48K for my house 20 years ago, @DCPatriot now it's worth $283K. No one has stepped inside of it to see the renovations I've done to it (no permits ever pulled).
The Main problem is that it is gonna cost me twice to buy another fixerupper. I'll sit low for another year and wait for the Real Estate Market to cool, some. Am I wrong?
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I paid $48K for my house 20 years ago, @DCPatriot now it's worth $283K. No one has stepped inside of it to see the renovations I've done to it (no permits ever pulled).
The Main problem is that it is gonna cost me twice to buy another fixerupper. I'll sit low for another year and wait for the Real Estate Market to cool, some. Am I wrong?
Reportedly there are big investment companies buying up homes at up to 150% of "fair market" value now. I'm guessing it's a hedge on inflation. My wife and I were planning a "brexit" from Washington state to escape a growing wave of liberal insanity, but now we're a bit scared we'll get caught in the middle of a real estate crash and take a huge bath.
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That makes sense to me @BassWrangler it's possible it's the same azzholes that gave us the CCP Virus.
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@corbe
The lower the 30 yr fixed rate, the larger the buyer-pool...ergo, the higher prices and appreciation.
My 40 yr + career ... I thought 5 percent fixed would never show up again...let alone 2.25% (Yes, I know it's about 2.625% 30 yr fixed today)
My point is that if rates follow the price of everything else, the buyer pool is going to dry up very fast.
My advice is to think in terms of your current monthly payment comfort zone. Find out what that payment gets you at 2.625%.
Can you find a more exciting lot, floorplan, setting, being able to borrow money at that ridiculously low rate?
IMO, you'd better damned well look real good! :beer:
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@corbe
The lower the 30 yr fixed rate, the larger the buyer-pool...ergo, the higher prices and appreciation.
My 40 yr + career ... I thought 5 percent fixed would never show up again...let alone 2.25% (Yes, I know it's about 2.625% 30 yr fixed today)
My point is that if rates follow the price of everything else, the buyer pool is going to dry up very fast.
My advice is to think in terms of your current monthly payment comfort zone. Find out what that payment gets you at 2.625%.
Can you find a more exciting lot, floorplan, setting, being able to borrow money at that ridiculously low rate?
IMO, you'd better damned well look real good! :beer:
Thanks, @DCPatriot - I am thinking we're going to go look at some areas in North Georgia and Tennessee later this year.
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Thanks, @DCPatriot - I am thinking we're going to go look at some areas in North Georgia and Tennessee later this year.
@BassWrangler
:beer:
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Reportedly there are big investment companies buying up homes at up to 150% of "fair market" value now. I'm guessing it's a hedge on inflation. My wife and I were planning a "brexit" from Washington state to escape a growing wave of liberal insanity, but now we're a bit scared we'll get caught in the middle of a real estate crash and take a huge bath.
I don't know. BlackRock is the company buying up all the properties (in some cases an entire neighborhood). They're converting the homes into rentals so nobody can own anything. All renters.
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@DCPatriot @corbe @BassWrangler @ Cyber Liberty
Guys,girls,and undecideds.
This is a thread for jokes and humor,not real estate sales or any other subject. Please try to keep it that way.
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@DCPatriot @corbe @BassWrangler @ Cyber Liberty
Guys,girls,and undecideds.
This is a thread for jokes and humor,not real estate sales or any other subject. Please try to keep it that way.
10-4, Mr. Moderator!
In that light....
There was this fellow, a good man with strong conservative tendencies. One day, he was at a pet shop where they had a Parrot on sale. Intrigued, he asked the shop owner about it and why it was so inexpensive.
The Shop owner explained, "Well, I have to be honest with you. The bird does talk, but he cusses like a Sailor."
The fellow decided that he could deal with it, because it was a beautiful bird. So he bought the Parrot and took him home. As expected, as soon as he pulled back the shade on the cage, the Parrot started cussing a pure blue streak...no pulling back!
The man tolerated the cussing Parrot for a few days, but it was getting on his nerves, so when the bird started up, he grabbed it and stuffed it into the pantry. The screaming got even louder, and even more filthy, so he grabbed the Parrot again and stiffed it into the oven. Yes, the cussing was even worse and louder. After a few minutes, he said "Screw it!" and he then crammed the Parrot into the freezer.
Again, much screaming ensued, followed suddenly by a terrible silence. A long silence.
Worried, the good fellow opened the freezer and the Parrot walked out of the freezer, and said, "Sir, I apologize from the bottom of my heart for my outbursts. They were rude, and I feel terrible about it. I promise to be better from now on!"
"By the way, what did the chicken in there do?"
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10-4, Mr. Moderator!
In that light....
There was this fellow, a good man with strong conservative tendencies. One day, he was at a pet shop where they had a Parrot on sale. Intrigued, he asked the shop owner about it and why it was so inexpensive.
The Shop owner explained, "Well, I have to be honest with you. The bird does talk, but he cusses like a Sailor."
The fellow decided that he could deal with it, because it was a beautiful bird. So he bought the Parrot and took him home. As expected, as soon as he pulled back the shade on the cage, the Parrot started cussing a pure blue streak...no pulling back!
The man tolerated the cussing Parrot for a few days, but it was getting on his nerves, so when the bird started up, he grabbed it and stuffed it into the pantry. The screaming got even louder, and even more filthy, so he grabbed the Parrot again and stiffed it into the oven. Yes, the cussing was even worse and louder. After a few minutes, he said "Screw it!" and he then crammed the Parrot into the freezer.
Again, much screaming ensued, followed suddenly by a terrible silence. A long silence.
Worried, the good fellow opened the freezer and the Parrot walked out of the freezer, and said, "Sir, I apologize from the bottom of my heart for my outbursts. They were rude, and I feel terrible about it. I promise to be better from now on!"
"By the way, what did the chicken in there do?"
@Cyber Liberty :beer:
@jmyrlefuller I apologize. My thinking as wrong as it is, was that we recently took the member's lounge on a little ride recently...no harm done.
Answered a FRiend's question per a ping. As succintly as possible.
Maybe we should start a category in members only for when members want to pick another member's brain? :beer:
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(https://i.imgur.com/RMAgMPw.gif)
Am I the only one to have to pause to think of the word "cumulus"?
@BassWrangler
Ummmmm.
The first word that popped into my mind started with "cun.....",but I knew right away that one was wrong.
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@sneakypete
I’m late to the party but congratulations on becoming a moderator. I like this new forum.
I got a joke for you and @corbe
A blonde women goes to see her eye doctor.
Eye doctor asks her, “Good morning. Have your eyes ever been checked”?
“Why no doctor”, she replied. ‘They’ve always been blue”
:blonde moment:
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@sneakypete
I’m late to the party but congratulations on becoming a moderator. I like this new forum.
I got a joke for you and @corbe
A blonde women goes to see her eye doctor.
Eye doctor asks her, “Good morning. Have your eyes ever been checked”?
“Why no doctor”, she replied. ‘They’ve always been blue”
:blonde mom Lient:
@Gefn
LOL! Like it!
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(https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/186480938_4444715498894368_4417707376920302486_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=lAcyGC0VtkUAX-oR0wU&tn=h4kcGPlsEJ1Z3RgJ&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=eeb0d3649b8a2d168b85f3d5291482b7&oe=60D24C97)
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(https://media.patriots.win/post/ytls2xJS.png)
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(https://media.patriots.win/post/ytls2xJS.png)
I'm gonna have to get ahead of this one and say "Champ didn't hang himself".
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TvPa7DLdHOUC7w)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tg4SBwYfh-UCXw)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TmFV9O.JyOUCDA)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TvPa7DLdHOUC7w)
@corbe
I am thinking I will hit a whole new gear I never even knew I had,one that had me moving so fast my eyes would water.
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/25046c1445928e07284325932697b64243cc6744617e51b103fc34cc9170926d.jpg)
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Male Logic---Flawless
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
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(https://i0.wp.com/politicallyincorrecthumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/joe-biden-scribbles-change-my-mind.jpg?w=505&ssl=1)
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WTF happened to her?
(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TjMLOKtpguYCpA)
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WTF happened to her?
(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TjMLOKtpguYCpA)
@corbe
Yeah,I ain't buying that as a real birth mark. There is not a female in the world that would run around with that on her neck,visible for everyone to see.
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/981b60963a61b22a0166b58bfac086d5fa9067c1cff9407242129b9f2fa46147.jpg)
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(https://files.catbox.moe/60bzc1.png)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tnp74In5T-cChw)
Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your bleep tennis elbow won't get better!
"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tnp74In5T-cChw)
Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your bleep tennis elbow won't get better!
"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"
:rolling:
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I finally found my ol Lady's G spot.
(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tv9UBxfBIOcC0w)
Her Sister had it.
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Bass Pro Shops Announces 2-for-1 Sale On All Nuclear Missiles
June 24th, 2021 - BabylonBee.com
(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TrTl8GLjz-cCnw)
U.S.—In a bit of exciting news for firearms enthusiasts and those who wish to deter their government from becoming tyrannical, Bass Pro Shops has announced that its semi-annual 2-for-1 nuke sale will be kicking off this weekend. Every nuclear weapon in the company's arsenal will be completely free with the purchase of any other nuclear weapon.
<..snip..>
https://babylonbee.com/news/bass-pro-shops-to-hold-2-for-1-nuke-sale (https://babylonbee.com/news/bass-pro-shops-to-hold-2-for-1-nuke-sale)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=SBWDKm6l4OcCXw)
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I finally found my ol Lady's G spot.
(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tv9UBxfBIOcC0w)
Her Sister had it.
@corbe
I wish you the best of luck with that one,as well as a bus ticket out of town immediately. Sisters will get together and turn on you.
Don't ask me how I know this.
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/70870e6361e3ee9a1dd4e34394f5f3fbc04a92d121fe2838d0c920cb80abc9a3.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/70870e6361e3ee9a1dd4e34394f5f3fbc04a92d121fe2838d0c920cb80abc9a3.jpg)
"Will trade for six sheets of 3/4 inch plywood..."
He knows what he has, that's for certain.
(I was pricing building materials tonight.)
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At an intimate table with my date.
The Maître d'hôtel brought me a pringle.
I sniffed it. Nibbled a bit. Then took a bite.
After a second or two ... thinking ... said I, OK!
Bring us the whole tube.
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=SBWDKm6l4OcCXw)
Oh gosh @corbe I just blew my morning cup of coffee out of my nose because I was laughing.
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/647a76f322ec801436dc824cad759054f320d00b32f66e86114f7275304f16ca.jpg)
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Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room
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@DCPatriot 888high58888
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Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room
:silly:
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tl8rP1Mc0O4C8g)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tg1150cjsu4CFw)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tv4gp1oKzu4CuQ)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tv4gp1oKzu4CqxcxoNWLuD9SqbotqVTdPyQ)
@corbe
Smart move! Let us know how it works out for you,ok?
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tv4gp1oKzu4CuQ)
Hide the knives...
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Hide the knives...
There was once a TV show called “Wives with Knives”
That’s how hubbies would meet their ends
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From the real world...
(Plover) Wisconsin water tower repainted with embarrassing typo (https://www.foxnews.com/us/wisconsin-water-tower-plover-paint-typo)
(https://a57.foxnews.com/static.foxnews.com/foxnews.com/content/uploads/2021/07/1862/1048/Mispelled-Water-Tower-2.jpg?ve=1&tl=1)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=ToPD3C7YVPICNg)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=ToPD3C7YVPICNg)
@corbe
I gotta admit,that one actually had me laughing!
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4b2bb6af68dcd6237d2a4ff46b34566c656ad56c7101e1a4d5783f8b48d913c8.jpg)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tv4gp1oKzu4CuQ)
888high58888
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/825cf944757717144be4d3d3013794881fcd0a6d50e0db3ee7e053f294f952c9.jpg)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/93c70cd4d03ecd405f8db6eef2dbbc1371c478f1c7210547119ec1b033c785af.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/93c70cd4d03ecd405f8db6eef2dbbc1371c478f1c7210547119ec1b033c785af.jpg)
@corbe
Yah got me again! I may have to stop visiting this thread if my breath gets any shorter. Laughing takes too much out of me.
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=Tvx-Qk0HH.QCBg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e749ad0b84c1490a25a66d92ccad67e1aab295532cb286032cec014563037361.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2844d09884eeb14060242404c02900d11c652c99ac2b6414386500f0ae8cde40.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/29d32f395e4fce2e2b4fdf6f02d40193af7c44b8729173d4e79bed3b01c67f94.jpg)
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https://youtu.be/HObSl1xeD3s (https://youtu.be/HObSl1xeD3s)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6658e0731bf9b114b488c1e14a0df13e8b945f13cdf1edab3d3ce63ccccdab44.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2844d09884eeb14060242404c02900d11c652c99ac2b6414386500f0ae8cde40.jpg)
@corbe
LOL!
Where do you get all this stuff from?
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6658e0731bf9b114b488c1e14a0df13e8b945f13cdf1edab3d3ce63ccccdab44.jpg)
:rolling:
@corbe
All it needs are gills,and the picture is complete.
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@corbe
LOL!
Where do you get all this stuff from?
Mainly from Al Gores' Internet.
9GaG and The New Americanist are my primary sources and they are very addictive, just like TBR.
https://9gag.com/ (https://9gag.com/)
https://thenewamericanist.com/ (https://thenewamericanist.com/)
@sneakypete
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Mainly from Al Gores' Internet.
9GaG and The New Americanist are my primary sources and they are very addictive, just like TBR.
https://9gag.com/ (https://9gag.com/)
https://thenewamericanist.com/ (https://thenewamericanist.com/)
@sneakypete
@corbe
Thanks for the warning. I can barely cope with the stuff I am supposed to be doing now to fall down a rabbit hole like that.
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ba74ea4cdb6215998bee2028e669a8fe586afc6199147f15083d36775a27f9ec.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/56de98b92df966a587a04f7a62582b02347489350429c1456bf5d04537067766.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2844d09884eeb14060242404c02900d11c652c99ac2b6414386500f0ae8cde40.jpg)
"People who write on bathroom walls...
Roll their ..."
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d5c5b65944f505256b1a4e830de3d2d987e250403a0345780b45bfd2bdb94d5c.jpg)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d79147138cc33ae6f5fcbdbc743b2972a6a19a346dfc2910e2b64c434ef27f64.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4d8e8ccfa9d97f6defe5ca2c4221d3b2b0048fe7fb19960df83072ad8432a1bb.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7754cdd5471bed778d3ffe9c04da70dd0c58770630c3dc6b7447da92e6f4e8b1.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9b309bab49315a6e3473dac2ebf513ca28fcb8246c5464ecdf7a080eb5f83646.jpg)
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(https://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/07/IMG_5230.jpg?w=720&ssl=1)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TjPR7-MuQfcCDg)
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Hey, did you hear about the new Italian snow tires?
Dago, Wop, Wop, Wop...
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7754cdd5471bed778d3ffe9c04da70dd0c58770630c3dc6b7447da92e6f4e8b1.jpg)
@corbe
SIC 'EM,Al!
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9b309bab49315a6e3473dac2ebf513ca28fcb8246c5464ecdf7a080eb5f83646.jpg)
@corbe
LOL at that little overacheiver!
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TjPR7-MuQfcCDg)
@corbe
Extra points for the Steve Miller allusion.
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There was a group of Aggie science students that wanted to take a trip to the sun, but some UT students said that was impossible and that they would burn up along the way before they reached the sun.
The Aggies replied, "We're going to travel at night!"
----------------
You heard about the aggie pilot and his co-pilot that were flying across the Atlantic and discovered they were would not make it because they were running low on fuel. The aggie decided to lighten the load by jettisoning some fuel.
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There was a group of Aggie science students that wanted to take a trip to the sun, but some UT students said that was impossible and that they would burn up along the way before they reached the sun.
The Aggies replied, "We're going to travel at night!"
----------------
You heard about the aggie pilot and his co-pilot that were flying across the Atlantic and discovered they were would not make it because they were running low on fuel. The aggie decided to lighten the load by jettisoning some fuel.
@art.prout
Those Texans are clever rascals,ain't they?
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(http://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/216032182_1580067399036403_8916794003513790700_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=Naq4GgGSGdQAX_pSIrD&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=6a88c935cd536cfcfb0a28a7f2bc9823&oe=60F235D4)
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(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/216032182_1580067399036403_8916794003513790700_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=Naq4GgGSGdQAX_pSIrD&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=6a88c935cd536cfcfb0a28a7f2bc9823&oe=60F235D4)
"Animal" knows what's what.
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d29eb42d7104b048ced792c04a6b70437d68eba047268d51bbbb8a0c462340ca.jpg)
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(http://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/215292753_4081790948523248_5595025778617623520_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=CJ7P-J2IEG8AX-jXwv_&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=b3662d24465444ab31114a21df89b3aa&oe=60F24BA8)
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(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/216032182_1580067399036403_8916794003513790700_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=Naq4GgGSGdQAX_pSIrD&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=6a88c935cd536cfcfb0a28a7f2bc9823&oe=60F235D4)
You're just making up for the deficits of virgins like myself.
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Ok,two questions.
1:Was this subject moved because I had figured out how to find it?
2: Why didn't the attachment show up on the preview? I just have wasted 15 minutes trying to load it and preview it,and then the damn thing shows up on the actual post.
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The Sub Category Humor/Jokes was not moved. It is still in Category Members Only. Since the upgrade a few months ago some type of Images and obviously Attachments will not show up in Preview. My technique is always Preview and if it doesn't show Just post and look at it. You can always delete and/or try again with different settings.
I think this Thread (Humor/Jokes) should be stickied instead of the Silliness Thread, what do you think? @sneakypete
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4311b59164475d92f1b7fad6021d1d3ab129714b2af085fb9367d17560801a8b.jpg)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3dcd3d0798ecd737270514da8c7fa83a0eae4fcb2cca8d19ec5ca24e2af80bb1.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1de6a8df39bf5fb80f43f223fca645f1242434f4696c8db943a1a4c44675681e.jpg)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d47151f0ccf29db5b17863d7b841c9bfda9223feefe18e9c2da9b642e8808d5e.jpg)
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The one and only Rodney Dangerfield (one liners).
www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wRVVGQTp_I
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OK, many of you are familiar with the pictures of our pet donkeys I've posted in the Lounge. Well, here's one that I want y'all to see, but not where there are proper people.
(https://i.imgur.com/hAsw5jO.png)
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She'll never let a white Donkey screw her again. :whistle:
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She'll never let a white Donkey screw her again. :whistle:
I really hope I don't get in trouble with @mystery-ak for that picture..... :whistle:
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@Cyber Liberty
Let me know when you have baby donkeys. I’ll make a baby shower in the Lounge for you.
(and now I know more about donkeys than I wanted to know)
Still, can’t be worse than hearing a cat in heat.
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@Cyber Liberty
Let me know when you have baby donkeys. I’ll make a baby shower in the Lounge for you.
(and now I know more about donkeys than I wanted to know)
Still, can’t be worse than hearing a cat in heat.
3-4 of the donkeys that visit us are babies. I guess they gestate for a long time. Who knows who the daddy for this new one will be. As soon as the big bull got finished, a younger male had his turn with her.
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(http://ih1.redbubble.net/image.1675410709.0229/ssrco,classic_tee,mens,fafafa:ca443f4786,front_alt,square_product,600x600.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f8c45d0575b48c6d23fabd42f842969be8dbdccb931207821f443f2948afe3e5.jpg)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJLBPAbjFUQ
Love this!! :laugh:
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/05fbf5188be7d3d359b3426a6994520d426e19616a04f3a6f250592dfb53160f.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/05fbf5188be7d3d359b3426a6994520d426e19616a04f3a6f250592dfb53160f.jpg)
@corbe
Still wearing panties,I hope? Might be a good idea to stick with them for a while longer.
Unless of course that is a different kind of "rocket" that is designed to take females to the moon and beyond. If that is the case,look forward to being lonesome.
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When my wife was pregnant she asked me to put the Oreos somewhere where she could not reach them.
I put them on the floor.
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When my wife was pregnant she asked me to put the Oreos somewhere where she could not reach them.
I put them on the floor.
@240B
And I used to think *I* did some stoopid stuff when I was younger!
That HAD to have cost you.
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@corbe
Still wearing panties,I hope? Might be a good idea to stick with them for a while longer.
Unless of course that is a different kind of "rocket" that is designed to take females to the moon and beyond. If that is the case,look forward to being lonesome.
She threw those panties away, using a stick to pick them up and display them to me with her WTF look @sneakypete and though there have not been a lot of Women in my bed these past few years, for the life of me I just can't recall any woman wearing them, they were sexy, so I think I'd remember that. Which brings me to my 'Conspiracy Theory' (which @Texas Robin just rolled her eyes at)~They were planted by someone that I use to see and (still has access) that does not want to see Robin and I together, for obvious reasons.
Incidentally, I have another pantie story if you like to talk about Women's undergarments, which I obviously do.
Why is panties plural and a Bra is singular?????? (Not the Story!!!)
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She threw those panties away, using a stick to pick them up and display them to me with her WTF look @sneakypete and though there have not been a lot of Women in my bed these past few years, for the life of me I just can't recall any woman wearing them, they were sexy, so I think I'd remember that. Which brings me to my 'Conspiracy Theory' (which @Texas Robin just rolled her eyes at)~They were planted by someone that I use to see and (still has access) that does not want to see Robin and I together, for obvious reasons.
Incidentally, I have another pantie story if you like to talk about Women's undergarments, which I obviously do.
Why is panties plural and a Bra is singular?????? (Not the Story!!!)
@corbe
Truthfully,I'm a little afraid to ask.
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6da3753709e2648547734692338a80032b3fcbecb7cf638af584dfed7859db89.jpg)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/41cbe3a052a719552f2fd26694b35951ff7b599a1a80fbe3c86f4f4b5a1dee14.jpg)
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@corbe
Truthfully,I'm a little afraid to ask.
Panty could be singular. I give you the word “panty liners”
@sneakypete
@corbe
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(https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aWjegj4_460swp.webp)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/41cbe3a052a719552f2fd26694b35951ff7b599a1a80fbe3c86f4f4b5a1dee14.jpg)
ROTFLMFAO!!
"You're So Bad!" --- Tom Petty.
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TiB84waiXgcDqxcxoNWLuD9SqbotqVTdP-4)
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(https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aAbLg8d_460swp.webp)
Only 10% will understand this joke.
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(https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aAbLg8d_460swp.webp)
Only 10% will understand this joke.
Or Wilt Chamberlain.
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/622f2b4917e825a4cd1a8160e135d3fe8586293e9926bd2f8cc61171d1aef8de.jpg)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/28f63143a6136714739489fe06ee3bc851fed78e16fb0bb4688fb295618ffc44.png)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TpmCrFKeUQkDkQ)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/85e2130be3d338e3e314c6c1cd51daaf744faa7d3a5af36f67d69a09dd4cd351.jpg)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TjUifB7r5wkDqpNDY3HzfHQ-24qI.....0E)
URLs with ... in the middle don't show up... :shrug:
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Thanks for the Heads Up @Smokin Joe
Edited it to .JPG from the original source.
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Thanks for the Heads Up @Smokin Joe
Edited it to .JPG from the original source.
Thanks! Now I can see it!
I'm think of a word that begins with the letter after 'B'... :silly:
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5e21a8351f97c68f312eec82a9752317a2c4f3c861028e46458ebba499c9522f.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5e21a8351f97c68f312eec82a9752317a2c4f3c861028e46458ebba499c9522f.jpg)
:silly:
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/86f15a838c18061a55c7ea4371957db09ec9be6686683a0754bd2c2e381658ad.png)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/86f15a838c18061a55c7ea4371957db09ec9be6686683a0754bd2c2e381658ad.png)
@corbe
YIKES! How many hands and fingers does the guy with the fat girl have?
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1528b4ae30a0b9c2b4f9cc777a113b8d6b419b9d5a31ee6234fee0cb998ebe84.jpg)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TtMrszp2dgsDxA)
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(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=TtMrszp2dgsDxA)
Indeed. How many jabs does it take to prevent getting the virus? How do paper or cloth masks actually work to prevent transmitting or getting the virus?
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(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-M3DDcMnV_GM/YQScHGgi-kI/AAAAAAABdFE/u_IT7X5Tdgo4GYjzGnTGjQP5jT9wvkC7gCLcBGAsYHQ/s600/1%2B%25282%2529.jpg)
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(https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-M3DDcMnV_GM/YQScHGgi-kI/AAAAAAABdFE/u_IT7X5Tdgo4GYjzGnTGjQP5jT9wvkC7gCLcBGAsYHQ/s600/1%2B%25282%2529.jpg)
@corbe
Hilarious truth in advertising!
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(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-K9oh9ogZk60/YQMtB-5libI/AAAAAAAAxPg/oMRawm0033gcOzXV7MAUJBJ6hbFow5UMACLcBGAsYHQ/s960/918.jpeg)
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(https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-K9oh9ogZk60/YQMtB-5libI/AAAAAAAAxPg/oMRawm0033gcOzXV7MAUJBJ6hbFow5UMACLcBGAsYHQ/s960/918.jpeg)
@corbe
Have you tried playing it at a faster speed?
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/48ba179316994a1b698b7e172e464e941b72452585d8e46aaf4528bc178fb95f.jpg)
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E7tHRrNWQAITcQ6.jpg)
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E7tHRrNWQAITcQ6.jpg)
@corbe
True dat,if the legends are true!
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E7tHRrNWQAITcQ6.jpg)
Oh that’s brilliant @corbe
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e985903146a6c6d44d5a1fe28f0854bd716d86e70b4698b5f20440a104d79ac5.png)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6ec3cb551d47929f555f62717ed5aa1040347f5d31dd2a32e6f542cc0a437f95.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6ec3cb551d47929f555f62717ed5aa1040347f5d31dd2a32e6f542cc0a437f95.jpg)
He's got to be Fauci's cousin.
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9278a0d78154f110008e30740e946a24c43a164fa3736eeb2b1ee9b1c8eaa6dc.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9278a0d78154f110008e30740e946a24c43a164fa3736eeb2b1ee9b1c8eaa6dc.jpg)
@corbe
Not to worry. I am fairly certain he quit drinking.
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/048bf0f61247f1c559dfdeb3134d09db2a0d049d1aee1dfa2d04cd583932266e.jpg)
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https://youtu.be/3GnBLV5xcdY (https://youtu.be/3GnBLV5xcdY)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9278a0d78154f110008e30740e946a24c43a164fa3736eeb2b1ee9b1c8eaa6dc.jpg)
That time at a party when everyone was playing truth or dare and you chose poorly.
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(https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/a4Eg4ZZ_460swp.webp)
The back story is, some Liberal group sent racial consultants (hit squad) to the University.
They could find absolutely nothing wrong with anything or anybody, but had to justify their presence and expense.
So ... they chose to cancel a racist rock. The rock is racist because it was there in the 1920s when the KKK was on campus.
What is weird is that they did not order the removal of the entire University itself. Which was also around when the KKK was on campus.
But whatever. At least they got rid of this racist boulder. All for the good of Black people everywhere and the betterment of all mankind.
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(https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/a4Eg4ZZ_460swp.webp)
The back story is, some Liberal group sent racial consultants (hit squad) to the University.
They could find absolutely nothing wrong with anything or anybody, but had to justify their presence and expense.
So ... they chose to cancel a racist rock. The rock is racist because it was there in the 1920s when the KKK was on campus.
What is weird is that they did not order the removal of the entire University itself. Which was also around when the KKK was on campus.
But whatever. At least they got rid of this racist boulder. All for the good of Black people everywhere and the betterment of all mankind.
Just looking at that particular rock, I would bet it antedated any form of racism by hundreds of millions, if not billions of years. How utterly ridiculous. Hand those complaining small hammers and let them remove it.
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Just looking at that particular rock, I would bet it antedated any form of racism by hundreds of millions, if not billions of years. How utterly ridiculous. Hand those complaining small hammers and let them remove it.
@Smokin Joe
"WORK"??????
Wadda you,some kinda slave master?
Lawdy,lawdy,hasn't de black mans dun suffered enuff undur dey white mans slave whips alredie,widdout havin to bust rocks in de hot sun?
Ima gonna sic the NAACP of yu,boy!
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@Smokin Joe
"WORK"??????
Wadda you,some kinda slave master?
Lawdy,lawdy,hasn't de black mans dun suffered enuff undur dey white mans slave whips alredie,widdout havin to bust rocks in de hot sun?
Ima gonna sic the NAACP of yu,boy!
I didn't say nuthin' 'bout striped outfits and joining them in the Brotherhood of the Shackle...They ain't no road crew, nohow. They wants it gone, they can remove it.
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Alexa, turn off your microphone.
Alexa responds: "the microphone is off."
...
Alexa, turn the microphone on.
Alexa responds: "the microphone is now on."
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a1801915d82dc1937bed3713876a27bd5a409611a0a433753a0437843693ff12.png)
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(https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/a4Eg4ZZ_460swp.webp)
The back story is, some Liberal group sent racial consultants (hit squad) to the University.
They could find absolutely nothing wrong with anything or anybody, but had to justify their presence and expense.
So ... they chose to cancel a racist rock. The rock is racist because it was there in the 1920s when the KKK was on campus.
What is weird is that they did not order the removal of the entire University itself. Which was also around when the KKK was on campus.
But whatever. At least they got rid of this racist boulder. All for the good of Black people everywhere and the betterment of all mankind.
What? They didn't demand that the University itself be removed? After all their argument is just as logical for it's removal as the stone.
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What? They didn't demand that the University itself be removed? After all their argument is just as logical for it's removal as the stone.
Good idea! I suggest renaming it to "University of Guardians."
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Is this a joke thread or a meme thread?
I new a guy who sent his son to a prostitute with a duck one time. He made out well.
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Is this a joke thread or a meme thread?
I new a guy who sent his son to a prostitute with a duck one time. He made out well.
Was five bucks in there somewhere?
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Was five bucks in there somewhere?
The joke I heard had a kid going to dell his duck for his poor family and the punch line went 'a buck for duck, a _____ for a buck and a buck for a ______ up duck. No five bucks but there was a prostitute in there.
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PaulThorn - I Guess I'll Just Stay Married - MusicFest 2015
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zLy7tJxrUk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zLy7tJxrUk)
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(https://i1.wp.com/thefunnyconservative.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/img_8184.jpg?w=604&ssl=1)
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Was five bucks in there somewhere?
With inflation these days...yes
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d8aa2adce3fca3b63e8f2fb370de37a48e10bd1f4b5b3100b1bedc4adadd1b41.jpg)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d8aa2adce3fca3b63e8f2fb370de37a48e10bd1f4b5b3100b1bedc4adadd1b41.jpg)
Fonda probably told not miss riding the big gun while she was there, Kammie has already got the communist traitor to the American people and disrespect of our military down pat so that was all Fonda could advise her on.
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d8aa2adce3fca3b63e8f2fb370de37a48e10bd1f4b5b3100b1bedc4adadd1b41.jpg)
Looking through the windshield and at the reflection in the windows, that could be South Dakota...
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Looking through the windshield and at the reflection in the windows, that could be South Dakota...
I see a burka in the widow reflection. Could be she is talking to Jihad and Gaza spice about Afghanistan
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She's gaining weight, apparently these little fellas are fattening.
(https://cdn.quotesgram.com/img/36/44/159706355-funny-sperm-2-facebook-cover-timeline-banner-for-fb.jpg)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e6bb11d3d1f33b2de4b448c1f2a73ce4077975bfc57f7c3a1ba2099a14751a5f.jpg)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e6bb11d3d1f33b2de4b448c1f2a73ce4077975bfc57f7c3a1ba2099a14751a5f.jpg)
@corbe
So true,so true. EXPECIALLY since the DNC has made DAMN sure to keep the "stink" of Shitstainistan off of Kameltoe by sending her to VN and the press making DAMN sure to not ask her and questions about US policy in the muddle east.
Slow Joe is on the way out,and she is on her way in,so she can run as a sitting president in 2024.
Kinda feel sorry for Hunter. He is going to get stuck with a big-ass garage full of paintings,and nobody out there wanting to buy them. Then again,he has probably already used his new-found wealth to buy and store a 10 year supply of crack and coke,so he's good until his heart explodes.
I will only add "Please,please,PLEASE don't let Slow Joe die until AFTER the 2024 elections! If he were to die before them,it might create enough sympathy votes from the airheads to keep the Dims in office. If that happens,America as a free and indepedent nation is over.
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I see a burka in the widow reflection. Could be she is talking to Jihad and Gaza spice about Afghanistan
Maybe the bald guy behind her is photoshopped in? That's his reflection.
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(https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tS0bI5eO23A/YSLbfA5AuOI/AAAAAAAAx0s/ljZFdcNJUnUubjZ9ytY8ytA1pheXsIjuwCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/12.jpeg)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/42030aab39fa766586630460ffceebc55af0c3870402b27e81d12c654085d3b9.png)
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Don't think so @corbe
Members Only does not mean we relax this rule:
Prohibited:
Pornographic or sexually inappropriate & suggestive content in the form of memes, graphics or videos. Including, but not limited to full or partial frontal or rear nudity, genitalia, bare female breasts, nipples, etc.
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(https://scontent-iad3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/241443017_10226572096473701_2587887144572679372_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_rgb565=1&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=TT_Y4TW08goAX-u2UgL&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-2.xx&oh=a2fa071c11499074e3fd26aacd67372a&oe=61617455)
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Don't think so @corbe
Members Only does not mean we relax this rule:
Prohibited:
Pornographic or sexually inappropriate & suggestive content in the form of memes, graphics or videos. Including, but not limited to full or partial frontal or rear nudity, genitalia, bare female breasts, nipples, etc.
Can't get anything past Mod8.
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Can't get anything past Mod8.
(https://res.cloudinary.com/jerrick/image/upload/f_jpg,q_auto,w_720/5ea94f5ddebee0001d318345.png)
Oh, bother!
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@Hoodat
It was pretty Risque, even by TBR's standards, which I think are Looser than other sites I visit. It was an ol B/W photo of 4 American Women laying on their stomachs on a beach somewhere in the early 40's exposing their beautiful buttocks only.
With that being said Mod8 usually gives me the benefit of the doubt but I know better than to test Her resolve.
A matter of Taste, I suppose.
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e0aabb34cc9c4f8114685cc23eede6988974839fcbde0f8d27487ba0c1818095.jpg)
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Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a horse's ass.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E_NKMtFXsAUaNKh?format=jpg&name=small)
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*Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet.
*Bonus Question: *Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives us two possibilities:
*1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
*2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by my girlfriend Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh God, I'm coming."
The student received an A+ !!!!!!
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*Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet.
*Bonus Question: *Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives us two possibilities:
*1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
*2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by my girlfriend Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh God, I'm coming."
The student received an A+ !!!!!!
Beautiful, just beautiful.
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Beautiful, just beautiful.
See now, what corbe did...this is what a joke thread is about!
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See now, what corbe did...this is what a joke thread is about!
I especially like it because our midterm Chemistry exam had a reaction curve with curves coming in from the right and left axes, dropping exponentially with a gap in between, and a third curve which proceeded from one axis and dropped betweeen the other two. It was an extra credit question, Identify the reaction.
The correct answer? Evel Kneivel jumping the Snake River Canyon.
(Who says scientists are humorless?)
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Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a horse's ass.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E_NKMtFXsAUaNKh?format=jpg&name=small)
She is wearing a Chic-fil-A take out bag -- extra large
(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.goodiesfirst.com%2Fimages%2F6a00d83451b77469e20105360fd3c5970b.jpg)
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She is wearing a Chic-fil-A take out bag -- extra large
(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.goodiesfirst.com%2Fimages%2F6a00d83451b77469e20105360fd3c5970b.jpg)
I pretty much guarantee that the price of that bag far exceeds the whole menu at Chic-fil-A, whether she paid a dime for it or not.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oseqh7SMIvo
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https://youtu.be/wOy2QCssTaI (https://youtu.be/wOy2QCssTaI)
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https://youtu.be/YJGZp54h1uI (https://youtu.be/YJGZp54h1uI)
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Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't
Prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town prosecuting
Attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to
The stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me? "She
Responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
You were a young boy, and frankly, you've been
A big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
Manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
You're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
Amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
The room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney? "She
Again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a
Youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
Can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
One of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
Wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
Him."The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very
Quiet voice, said;
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
To the electric chair."
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Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't
Prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town prosecuting
Attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to
The stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me? "She
Responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
You were a young boy, and frankly, you've been
A big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
Manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
You're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
Amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
The room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney? "She
Again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a
Youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
Can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
One of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
Wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
Him."The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very
Quiet voice, said;
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
To the electric chair."
:silly:
-
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very
Quiet voice, said;
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
To the electric chair."
@corbe
LOL!
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Thought I'd bury this here to avoid any Mod reports from the Church Lady's.
Shirley, they don't frequent this place.
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9e62ad9169908af3c3b759958e616df1c043a948d8a84131e35474abb94c1def.png)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f385b55f4422910012f82c0a919fec9827c344d9e3dc2b9850ce4346c0a365d2.jpg)
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(https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/ad83WrD_700bwp.webp)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bc87d9dc2f56fa1915e352074d4d7fe2c7286635fc8674d2c5f1568c60d362df.jpg)
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b429bb1abc3965824bafb0a70a0e882a3ebf9a97905263f595ca96c5278d1e3e.jpg)
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Granted!
:silly:
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Woman Who’s Good At Driving Wondering If She Might Be Transgender
October 27th, 2021 - BabylonBee.com
(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=SEUjgfK6q2UDqxcxoNWLuD9SqbotqVTdP0s)
AMERICAN FORK, UT—Kyrsten Fribsey, a local mom and recovering shiplap addict, reportedly began wondering if she might be transgender after she drove around town to run errands without incident.
Suspicions that she may actually be a man trapped in a woman’s body began to well up inside her after she parked her minivan at Target without having to leave a note on the windshield of the vehicle next to her.
Later, according to sources, she parallel-parked perfectly the very first time, without even scuffing her car wheels on the curb. “Am I a misgendered man?” wondered Mrs. Fribsey as she changed lanes on the interstate without checking her blindspot the usual 17 times.
<..snip..>
https://babylonbee.com/news/woman-whos-good-at-driving-wondering-if-she-might-be-transgender (https://babylonbee.com/news/woman-whos-good-at-driving-wondering-if-she-might-be-transgender)
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(http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/42030aab39fa766586630460ffceebc55af0c3870402b27e81d12c654085d3b9.png)
Purebloods Rule!
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Don't think so @corbe
Members Only does not mean we relax this rule:
Prohibited:
Pornographic or sexually inappropriate & suggestive content in the form of memes, graphics or videos. Including, but not limited to full or partial frontal or rear nudity, genitalia, bare female breasts, nipples, etc.
Who writes that silliness?
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Who writes that silliness?
Don't look at me, @art.prout!
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Don't look at me, @art.prout!
888mouth
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"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are two dollars and Deer nuts are under a buck"
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:laughingdog:
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
-
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
:silly:
-
@corbe , That was outstanding. It took me ten minutes to stop laughing long enough to tell my wife. She didn't have the same response as me, but my son did when I told him.
-
Have you heard about the new Italian snow tires?
Dago wop-wop-wop...
:silly:
-
How can you tell the "Lace Irish" from the others?
They move the dishes from the sink before they pee....
:silly:
-
@roamer_1 Chili . . .
A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young Cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,
"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
-
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
:bigsilly: :bigsilly: :bigsilly:
That's right.
Thanks @corbe ... I needed the giggle. :beer:
-
That made me lol. :laugh: While at the same time going "ewwww"!
-
For your enjoyment @Texas Robin
Three men died on Christmas Eve, and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,
You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.
The first man fumbled through his pockets, and pulled out a lighter - he flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys and shook them. "They're bells" said the man.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets, and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with raised eyebrow and asked "and just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
-
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
-
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
@libertybele
LOL! That's the sort of stoopid thing I would say without even thinking.
-
@libertybele
LOL! That's the sort of stoopid thing I would say without even thinking.
I thought it was hilarious -- so simply down right funny!
-
"It's not that hard to tell the difference between an Alligator and a Crocodile. One you'll see in a while and the other you'll see later."
-
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
:silly:
-
Hitler is trapped in his toilet
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxkYZDJwcAg)
-
'They' said ... "Cheer up, things could be worse." So we cheered up and sure enough things got worse.
-
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/265932552_666831201393704_6216895244516979480_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=kJfaHcYlNPYAX_OBNWd&tn=Up_Pvjcm8fbdwxs5&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=00_AT8U7Dg5rXWb9j2139KgV9qd6J-WFsKg0TekFjgBIgON9w&oe=61B9652B)
-
Biden.
Too obvious?
-
Biden.
Too obvious?
A joke in poor taste.....
-
:rolling:
(https://i.inews.co.uk/content/uploads/2018/11/Christmas-Santa-joke.jpg)
-
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/265513060_6566890803385238_5043271600207092230_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=7QgMcwSKWJkAX_EuQNC&tn=noRbQI_XPSBwdkOc&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=3c095dac0b45858da8f8c0a51f3068bd&oe=61BA1219)
-
It's wise to remember how easy...
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had handwritten her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
-
Beans
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."
-
Friends- please wear those masks. They saved the life of a friend last night. He was out with his girlfriend and his wife didn’t recognize him!!!
-
Speaking of the Future :
Google's pizza
- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizzawith cheeses, sausage, thick crust.
- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?
- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ...
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
-WHAT THE HELL?
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.
- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago. ...!!!
-
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/271261475_5055894944442027_1605967172619453531_n.png?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=WzLoCmKT9twAX8vwzoX&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=00_AT8SIcKf6VxLGUbe8v7ufrfae0E-Ez8mBtN6qHXmlJqKmw&oe=61D76B51)
75 years, actually :laugh:
-
The Cat Union has a strong Lobby.
-
Men treat women as sex objects
Women treat sex objects as men
-
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fc2c0163912013dac06984c067f3b24cae30d510abc21a075568ede57701cadf.jpg)
-
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fc2c0163912013dac06984c067f3b24cae30d510abc21a075568ede57701cadf.jpg)
:silly:
-
(https://img.ifunny.co/images/f8b0bc9822ee52c622e0754c02644b32c43965afb1fa423f728d1ed2966c68b1_1.webp)
-
(https://img.ifunny.co/images/19fe2d28db1f34f6fd6c16b035ca191d23cdaa42a94a3d9fa2e52c7346987254_1.webp)
No sh*t, Sherlock!
-
(https://img.ifunny.co/images/19fe2d28db1f34f6fd6c16b035ca191d23cdaa42a94a3d9fa2e52c7346987254_1.webp)
No sh*t, Sherlock!
I bet the kiddies did what they were told, though...
-
(http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/kids-13.jpg)
-
THE TRAFFIC LIGHT
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
Suddenly, a carload of loud, bearded young Muslim men, shouting anti-American slogans, pulled up next to me. There was a half-burned American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and "We Love 9-11" spray-painted on the side.
They gestured wildly at me, and started yelling, "Allah Akbar! Death to America!" and took off across the intersection, not waiting for the light to change. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car, stunned, thinking to myself, "Oh, man... that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
-
THE TRAFFIC LIGHT
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
Suddenly, a carload of loud, bearded young Muslim men, shouting anti-American slogans, pulled up next to me. There was a half-burned American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and "We Love 9-11" spray-painted on the side.
They gestured wildly at me, and started yelling, "Allah Akbar! Death to America!" and took off across the intersection, not waiting for the light to change. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car, stunned, thinking to myself, "Oh, man... that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
:silly:
-
THE TRAFFIC LIGHT
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
Suddenly, a carload of loud, bearded young Muslim men, shouting anti-American slogans, pulled up next to me. There was a half-burned American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and "We Love 9-11" spray-painted on the side.
They gestured wildly at me, and started yelling, "Allah Akbar! Death to America!" and took off across the intersection, not waiting for the light to change. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car, stunned, thinking to myself, "Oh, man... that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
That was AWESOME!
-
What would you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t Helium or Curium, then you would need to Barium.
-
:silly:
-
What would you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t Helium or Curium, then you would need to Barium.
@rustynail
That is so bad I am a little jealous
-
I told my doctor that I broke my leg in two places---
He told me to stop going to those places.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
****drummer
-- Henny Youngman
-
What would you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t Helium or Curium, then you would need to Barium.
I told my doctor that I broke my leg in two places---
He told me to stop going to those places.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
****drummer
-- Henny Youngman
LMBO!!
-
I hate both you guys.
-
I hate both you guys.
Ah ... but we wuvs you! :beer:
-
What would you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t Helium or Curium, then you would need to Barium.
Q: What do you do if no one laughs at your chemistry jokes?
A: Keep telling them until you get a reaction.
-
Q: What do you do if no one laughs at your chemistry jokes?
A: Keep telling them until you get a reaction.
22222frying pan *****rollingeyes*****
-
Q: What do you do if no one laughs at your chemistry jokes?
A: Keep telling them until you get a reaction.
:facepalm2:
-
What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
~ Pull down its genes.
-
What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
~ Pull down its genes.
:silly:
-
:rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:
What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
~ Pull down its genes.
-
(https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/81wWOk8JHiL._AC_UL1500_.jpg)
-
You know why Tonga has volcanoes and tsunamis while mainland America has Liberals?
Tonga got first pick.
-
You know why Tonga has volcanoes and tsunamis while mainland America has Liberals?
Tonga got first pick.
Why are there so many lawyers in NY and so much toxic waste in NJ?
NJ got first pick!
-
Why do peppers make such good archers?
~Because they habanero.
-
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
-
Why are there so many lawyers in NY and so much toxic waste in NJ?
NJ got first pick!
****drummer
-
So I was at this one bar one night and someone screamed, "Does anyone know CPR here!" I retorted, "Sure, I know the entire alphabet".
Everyone laughed, except this one guy...........
-
So I was at this one bar one night and someone screamed, "Does anyone know CPR here!" I retorted, "Sure, I know the entire alphabet".
Everyone laughed, except this one guy...........
"Brevity is the soul of wit."
-
So this woman gets pulled over for speeding.
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. Can I see your license?
Woman: License? I don't have one cuz they took It from me for DWI.
Officer: No license? Ok, how about your registration and proof on insurance?
Woman: Nope, I don't have that either. In fact, I stole this car, it's not even mine.
Officer: Stole the car? From who?
Woman: Beats me, all I know is I hacked him into bits and threw him in the trunk.
The officer then backs up slowly from the car, calls for back up, and awaits help. Within minutes 5 police cars surround the vehicle as a senior officer approaches the woman.
Senior officer: Ma'am, would you please step out of the car?
Woman: Certainly officer, what is this about?
Senior officer: Can I see your license?
Woman: Sure officer, here it is.
Senior Officer: Ok, what about registration and proof of insurance.
Woman: Sure, I have that as well, here It is.
Senior officer: (Looking puzzled): O......k.. ......how about opening the trunk.
The woman opens the trunk that reveals it to be empty.
Senior Officer: Well that's odd. This other officer claims that you had no license, stole this car, and hacked up a body and threw it in the trunk.
Woman: What a lying bastard, I bet he even said I was speeding.
-
"To do is to be" - Nietzsche
"To be is to do" - Kant
"To be, do be, do be, do" - Sinatra
-
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
-
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
-
Nice.
-
@Kamaji
LOL! Made me laugh... both my cats launched. :beer:
-
My friend bought a new Tesla!! It'll run on an electrical charge. He had to go
back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.
"Nelson," the technician said to the radio. The radio replied,
"Ricky or Willie?" "Willie" he continued and "On The Road Again"
flowed from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles", and in an
instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
My friend drove away so happy and for the next few days every time he'd say,
"Beethoven" he'd get beautiful classical music, and if he said,
"Beatles" he'd get one of their awesome songs.
Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my friend's
new Tesla, but luckily he swerved in time to avoid her. He yelled at
her, "Crazy Witch!” The radio replied, "Hillary, Maxine, Kamala,
Warren, Ocasio, or Pelosi?”
He loves this car!
-
Wise Old Indian
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth. You've seen his progress.You've seen his wars."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
The chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
-
Phobia
A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
-
(https://i.imgur.com/246ao6y.jpg?1)
-
What does a bossy man order at the bar?
~ He orders everyone a round.
-
You have two cows.
Socialism:
You have two cows. One goes to your neighbor.
Democratic socialism.
You have two cows. Your two neighbors, who have no cows, are jealous and decide to vote upon who gets the cows. You're outvoted 2-1 and lose both cows, one to each neighbor.
Communism:
You have two cows. They are property of the state, who gives you some milk.
Fascism:
You have two cows. The state takes their milk and sells it back to you.
Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Then put both of them in your wife's name and declare bankruptcy.
American bureaucracy:
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, buys milk from the other cow, then pours the milk down the drain to prop up the market price of milk.
Eco-socialism:
You have two cows. The state takes them, sends them to an animal sanctuary, spays them, and tells you to eat tofu instead.
Mugabeism:
You have two cows. But you're white and not allowed to own cows, so they're taken from you.
Hindu theocracy:
Two cows have you.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/246ao6y.jpg?1)
You know, that's a pretty sound plan. And it gets rid of that whole "youth is wasted on the young" problem, too.
-
Gender
You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.
For example...
1) Ziploc Bags-
They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers-
They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire-
Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon-
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges-
Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page-
Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway-
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass-
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer-
Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control-
Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
-
:silly:
(https://etherealmind.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/man-woman-knon.jpeg)
-
(http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/when-the-longer-you-look-the-worse-it-gets.jpg)
-
(http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/z-memes-1-15.jpeg)
-
(http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/z-memes-10-7.jpeg)
-
(https://media.gab.com/system/media_attachments/files/099/478/974/small/b9dcf9423d32af2c.jpg)
-
(https://media.gab.com/system/media_attachments/files/099/478/974/small/b9dcf9423d32af2c.jpg)
@Kamaji
In the real world,I am thinking "He lives in a rural area of someplace like Mn,and winter is coming."
I have seen photos of Model A's with tracks on them from the frozen north.
-
@Kamaji
In the real world,I am thinking "He lives in a rural area of someplace like Mn,and winter is coming."
I have seen photos of Model A's with tracks on them from the frozen north.
Apparently, track/ski systems for Model T's were a big thing back in the day - one could swap the hubs out for a set of skis on the front axle, and a set of tracks on the rear axle.
-
Apparently, track/ski systems for Model T's were a big thing back in the day - one could swap the hubs out for a set of skis on the front axle, and a set of tracks on the rear axle.
@Kamaji
Yup. They pretty much either had to do that or go back to using horses in the winter. I don't believe any of those kits were from Ford,but were aftermarket kits that were quick and easy to install,and equally easy to take off to put the wheels and tires back on.
I am guessing that in places like Mn,they were pretty much a necessity for winter travel.
-
Chalk One Up For The Grandparents!
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
-
@Kamaji
In the real world,I am thinking "He lives in a rural area of someplace like Mn,and winter is coming."
I have seen photos of Model A's with tracks on them from the frozen north.
There was an old lady who lived down the street from me who drove a B model Ford. THe car had tires about 4 inches wide and wheels that must have been nearly 30 inches in diameter. She got around great in the snow with it, better than most modern vehicles. The local Ford dealership offered her any car on the lot or in the showroom in exchange for hers, but no, she liked her car, and knew how to drive it (unlike those newer ones). Familiarity brings comfort. Finally, they made a deal with her that they would maintain the vehicle for the rest of her life if she would will it to them in exchange. They made good on it, and eventually, many years later and after she passed, the car was in their showroom--not for sale.
-
There was an old lady who lived down the street from me who drove a B model Ford. THe car had tires about 4 inches wide and wheels that must have been nearly 30 inches in diameter. She got around great in the snow with it, better than most modern vehicles. The local Ford dealership offered her any car on the lot or in the showroom in exchange for hers, but no, she liked her car, and knew how to drive it (unlike those newer ones). Familiarity brings comfort. Finally, they made a deal with her that they would maintain the vehicle for the rest of her life if she would will it to them in exchange. They made good on it, and eventually, many years later and after she passed, the car was in their showroom--not for sale.
@Smokin Joe
The Model B Ford was nothing more than .a 1932 Ford that still had the flathead 4 in it instead of the "new that year" flathead V-8.
The flat 4 actually did better in the snow and mud than the flat 8 because there was less danger of the tires spinning.
-
I've just about had it with this tomfoolery....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W8gADOplmY
Ren Höek is da shizzle!
-
There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.
-- Ron White
-
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.
-
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.
:thud:
-
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
… but then I turned myself around.
-
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
… but then I turned myself around.
@libertybele
So now it is YOU that gets poked in the hokey?
-
@libertybele
So now it is YOU that gets poked in the hokey?
22222frying pan
-
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
… but then I turned myself around.
:silly:
-
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
-
There was a mother with three young boys. She complained to a friend one day how much her sons cussed, and no matter what she did to correct it, they would not stop cussing. Her friend suggested that next time she heard one of them cuss, that she should give them a very hard slap, and that would break them of the habit. So she decided to give that a try.
The next morning, she calls out to the oldest boy, "What do you want for breakfast?"
He responds, "I want some f****n' pancakes!"
BAM! Her hand meets the side of the boy's face and he is knocked off his feet. As he sits there dazed, she turns to the second boy and asks, "So, what do you want for breakfast?"
He glares at his older and then blurts out, "I want some f****n' pancakes!"
BAM! She hits him twice as hard. The second boy flies back, hits the wall, and collapses, a trickle of blood oozing out of the corner of his mouth. Now she turns to the third boy and asks, "Your turn. What do you want for breakfast?"
The third boy responds, "Well I sure as hell don't want no f****n' pancakes!"
-
There was a mother with three young boys. She complained to a friend one day how much her sons cussed, and no matter what she did to correct it, they would not stop cussing. Her friend suggested that next time she heard one of them cuss, that she should give them a very hard slap, and that would break them of the habit. So she decided to give that a try.
The next morning, she calls out to the oldest boy, "What do you want for breakfast?"
He responds, "I want some f****n' pancakes!"
BAM! Her hand meets the side of the boy's face and he is knocked off his feet. As he sits there dazed, she turns to the second boy and asks, "So, what do you want for breakfast?"
He glares at his older and then blurts out, "I want some f****n' pancakes!"
BAM! She hits him twice as hard. The second boy flies back, hits the wall, and collapses, a trickle of blood oozing out of the corner of his mouth. Now she turns to the third boy and asks, "Your turn. What do you want for breakfast?"
The third boy responds, "Well I sure as hell don't want no f****n' pancakes!"
:silly:
-
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e8789d40f14da0607ea3ac09c6de4b4254ab0e73ca5c21b94a414caebbcd59c2.jpg)
-
Are you worried about the cost of gas?
You’ve caught Carownervirus
-
Are you worried about the cost of gas?
You’ve caught Carownervirus
:thud:
-
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.
"Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
-
LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA ONLY US CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED TO APPLY
"Lemon Pickers Needed”, read the ad in the newspaper. Ms. Sally Mulligan of Clearwater Beach, Florida, saw it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans aren't willing to do. She submitted her application for a job in a lemon grove, in spite of being too qualified for it.
She has a liberal arts degree from Texas Tech, and a master’s degree from the University of Tennessee. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume. “However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, once for Hillary, and most recently for Biden.”
She started work yesterday.
-
What does one boob say to the other boob?
~ “If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.”
-
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they're shellfish...
-
888high58888
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they're shellfish...
-
What does one boob say to the other boob?
~ “If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.”
:rolling: :rolling:
-
(https://easybudgetcrafts.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Easter-jokes-1.jpg)
-
(https://stilllearningsomethingnew.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/toon_9078.jpg)
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
-
A lawyer, a pedophile and a crack head walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Sorry Hunter. We are closed. Your Dad shut us down to stop spread."
-
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, a . . .
Very nice, @corbe
-
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.
-
Converting a Bear
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"
So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."
-
If Noah Built an Ark in 2011
And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.
"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
-
Kentucky Derby winner Rich Strike turns down a meeting with @JoeBiden . Asked why, they said “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would’ve came in second.
-
An elderly man was driving down I-95.
“Bob! Be careful,” his wife shouted, “I just heard on the radio, there’s a car going the wrong way on I-95!”
“It’s not just one car!” Bob yelled back, “There’s hundreds of them!”
-
~ What has four letters, but has three letters, and always has six letters…
-
~ What has four letters, but has three letters, and always has six letters…
888high58888
-
~ What has four letters, but has three letters, and always has six letters…
Correctamundo.
-
@Cyber Liberty @Hoodat
You bet!!
(I don't have a clue what the actual answer is. :silly:)
-
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/62a54c2f472c02842c999ea4f704b330ebbd64ddfd50451fe1ab5b2cebcad2a3.jpg)
-
~ What has four letters, but has three letters, and always has six letters…
Man that's heavy!
-
Pope Francis, Elton Musk, and Joe Biden are on an airplane when the engines fail. They find three parachutes.
Joe Biden grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “I am the leader of the free world, so I must be saved.”
Elton Musk grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “My cars will revolutionize the world, so I must be saved.”
Now the Pope and the pilot are the only ones left on the plane. The Pope says to the pilot, “My son, take the last parachute. I am old, and you have your whole life ahead of you.”
“Actually there are two parachutes left,” the pilot says. “Mr. Biden grabbed a seat cushion.”
-
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."
-
Archie Bunker's Editorial on Gun Control
www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lDb0Dn8OXE
-
It's A Texan Thing
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f53ef199fef62d2f4d4636993098b24c7f31340c0ef5724461ece34d83e954dd.jpg)
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving galveston beach well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."
"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"
"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.
"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"
-
It's A Texan Thing
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f53ef199fef62d2f4d4636993098b24c7f31340c0ef5724461ece34d83e954dd.jpg)
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving galveston beach well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."
"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"
"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.
"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"
Good one!
:silly:
-
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving galveston beach well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."
"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"
"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.
"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"
Brilliant. Deny, deny, deny.
-
An Iowa senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-35, pushing the pedal even more.
> >
> > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw an Iowa State Trooper, blue
> > lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then
> > 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old
> > for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
> >
> > Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and
> > walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said,
> > "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can
> > give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before
> > heard -- I'll let you go."
> >
> > The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran
> > off with an Iowa State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
> >
> > "Have a good day, Sir. " replied the trooper.
-
An Iowa senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-35, pushing the pedal even more.
> >
> > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw an Iowa State Trooper, blue
> > lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then
> > 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old
> > for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
> >
> > Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and
> > walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said,
> > "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can
> > give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before
> > heard -- I'll let you go."
> >
> > The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran
> > off with an Iowa State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
> >
> > "Have a good day, Sir. " replied the trooper.
:mauslaff:
-
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.
"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
-
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".
Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does About 90% Of The Work Around Here. He Makes About $10 Per Week, Pays His Own Room And Board, And I Buy Him A Bottle Of Bacardi Rum And A Dozen Budweisers Every Saturday Night So He Can Cope With Life. He Also Gets To Sleep With My Wife Occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: “That's The Guy I Want To Talk To - The Mentally Challenged One".
Boat Owner: “That Would Be Me. What Would You Like To Know”?
-
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.
"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".
Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does About 90% Of The Work Around Here. He Makes About $10 Per Week, Pays His Own Room And Board, And I Buy Him A Bottle Of Bacardi Rum And A Dozen Budweisers Every Saturday Night So He Can Cope With Life. He Also Gets To Sleep With My Wife Occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: “That's The Guy I Want To Talk To - The Mentally Challenged One".
Boat Owner: “That Would Be Me. What Would You Like To Know”?
:mauslaff:
-
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
-
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
:silly: :silly:
-
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
-
That one is awesome, @corbe
-
A Fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me.. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later
he staggered back, almost dead.......
'Your brother won't let me in without a tie!'
-
Quite the family business there.
-
I found the Silliness section.
Jewish jokes are ok here?
I gave up ethnic jokes in my 30s when the manager in an office
next to mine started telling Mexican jokes. My ex is Mexican.
Oh. I am not offended, but I won't be into ethnic matters. I will
laugh if they are funny as is this one.
Not a joke but I met a Jewish woman who is slightly older than I
at my favorite breakfast place. She is non traditional and quite bright.
No hanky panky, but I like her.
-
(https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/294210624_6258847364177276_8888912778704243694_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=a26aad&_nc_ohc=hkBmU1kgDB8AX-15dXj&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=00_AT8x0v3Dfvn06yfvamhTe3iKQGzgNj5xgzHw8qnUYoylgw&oe=62DC476F)
-
I found the Silliness section.
Jewish jokes are ok here?
I gave up ethnic jokes in my 30s when the manager in an office
next to mine started telling Mexican jokes. My ex is Mexican.
Oh. I am not offended, but I won't be into ethnic matters. I will
laugh if they are funny as is this one.
Not a joke but I met a Jewish woman who is slightly older than I
at my favorite breakfast place. She is non traditional and quite bright.
No hanky panky, but I like her.
Pretty much anything goes here, @Slide Rule! Bring 'em!
-
I found the Silliness section.
Jewish jokes are ok here?
I gave up ethnic jokes in my 30s when the manager in an office
next to mine started telling Mexican jokes. My ex is Mexican.
Oh. I am not offended, but I won't be into ethnic matters. I will
laugh if they are funny as is this one.
Not a joke but I met a Jewish woman who is slightly older than I
at my favorite breakfast place. She is non traditional and quite bright.
No hanky panky, but I like her.
@Slide Rule
WHY,assuming of course she is willing? Do you have something against Jewish women?
BTW,it is not necessary to answer me because it is really none of my business.
What is necessary is to ask and answer yourself about the reason you have for passing up on a POSSIBLE romance.
-
(https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/294210624_6258847364177276_8888912778704243694_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=a26aad&_nc_ohc=hkBmU1kgDB8AX-15dXj&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=00_AT8x0v3Dfvn06yfvamhTe3iKQGzgNj5xgzHw8qnUYoylgw&oe=62DC476F)
@Slide Rule
LOL!
-
Tucker Carlson
@TuckerCarlson
So Biden has Covid. Yesterday he told us he has cancer. Tomorrow, it could be monkeypox. If you or someone you know has recently had unsafe sex with Joe Biden, please seek precautionary medical attention. God knows what you might have picked up.
-
Tucker Carlson
@TuckerCarlson
So Biden has Covid. Yesterday he told us he has cancer. Tomorrow, it could be monkeypox. If you or someone you know has recently had unsafe sex with Joe Biden, please seek precautionary medical attention. God knows what you might have picked up.
It need not be unsafe sex, it could come from contact with drool or other bodily fluids...
Wash your hands, frequently!
-
Classic.
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”
-
Classic.
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”
:mauslaff:
-
(https://media.gab.com/system/media_attachments/files/113/935/601/original/8cd5189815460ace.jpg)
-
This one had me rolling for quite awhile. :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:
Kid's hilarious answer on a math test ---
(https://miro.medium.com/max/1126/0*9bqTKoP7Bhsiyudk.jpg)
-
pointing-up It had me rolling!!
-
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia & the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have a cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
"Okay, let’s give it a try."
-
Bus Driver has had enough
https://twitter.com/i/status/1566883469304573952
-
A very old Oldie but Goodie, from Dave Barry, in the early 80's or late 70's:
=====================================================
SCIENCE and ELECTRICITY
by Dave Barry
=====================================================
TODAY'S SCIENTIFIC QUESTION IS: What in the world is electricity and
where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson. On a cool day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you
notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This
teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must
never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson
about electricity.
It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract
dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your
finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friends filling, then
travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the
circut. AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough
without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
finger would explode. This is nothing to worry about unless you have
carpeting.
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights,
radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not
have any of these things, which is just as well since there was no place to
plug them in. Then along came the first electrical pioneer, Benjamin
Franklin, who flew a kite in an electrical storm and received a serious
electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force
as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he
started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is
a penny earned". Eventually he had to be given a job running the post
office.
After Franklin came a herd of electrical pioneers whose names have
become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise AMP,
James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
electrical experiments. Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when
he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an
electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was
no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery
led to enormous advances in amphibian medicine. Today skilled veterinary
surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant
pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond ...
almost.
The greatest electrical pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison. He
was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877
was the phonograph. It could be found in thousands of American homes where
it sat until 1923 when the record was invented.
Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric
company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit. The
electric company sends the electricity through a wire to the customer, then
immediately gets the electricity back through another wire. Then (this is
the brilliant part) they send it right back to the customer again. This
means that the electric company can sell a customer the same batch of
electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few
customers take the time to examine their electricity very closely. In
fact, the last year any NEW electricity was generated was 1937.
Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we
receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. In the past decade,
scientists have developed the laser, an electronic device so powerful that
it can vaporize a bulldozer at 2000 yards, yet so precise that doctors can
use it to perform delicate operations on the human eyeball, provided they
remember to change the power setting from "bulldozer" to "eyeball".
=====================================================
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed
-
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute little bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is a bit surprised that a man would have such a collection of teddy bears, especially one so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him and is actually quite impressed that he can so freely express his sensitive side.
She turns to him ... they kiss .... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive man they are lying together in the afterglow, the woman leans in to him and whispers "Well, how was it?"
The man says "Not bad, help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
-
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, I'm a typo.
-
Indians are predicting a long cold winter.
They saw white man stack plenty firewood.
-
Sadie, a 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, Sadie decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied:
”I didn't recognize you."
-
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nûts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nûts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nûts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nûts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nûts.
I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."
-
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/441a97176c9e374f148c7773a4a697b43df513dc922c6792b4b64df8b1a1db9c.jpg)
-
Judge Pinky
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCmT13RVT0Y
-
Used Car
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
-
Used Car
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
:rolling:
-
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute little bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is a bit surprised that a man would have such a collection of teddy bears, especially one so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him and is actually quite impressed that he can so freely express his sensitive side.
She turns to him ... they kiss .... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive man they are lying together in the afterglow, the woman leans in to him and whispers "Well, how was it?"
The man says "Not bad, help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Is the man you @corbe ?
Asking for a friend. :laugh:
-
A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy when you don't know crap?" Then she went back to reading her book.
-
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.”
-
A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy when you don't know crap?" Then she went back to reading her book.
:mauslaff:
-
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S21® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT, FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
-
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S21® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT, FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
888high58888 :beer:
-
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S21® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT, FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
:mauslaff:
-
While installing a new door, I found one of the hinges missing. I asked my wife if she would go to Home Depot to pick one up. She said she would.
While waiting for the Manager to finish serving another customer, her eye caught two beautiful bathroom faucets - one for the sink and one for the bath tub.
When the Manager was ready to help my wife, she asked, "How much are those faucets?"
The Manager replied, "They are gold plated faucets and very expensive! $5,000 each!"
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, they are really expensive - certainly out of my price range!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge I had sent her to buy.
The Manager said he had them in stock and their price was $3.49. He went to the backroom to get them.
From the backroom, the Manager yelled, "Ma'am, you want a screw for the hinge?"
Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucets."
This is why you just can't send a woman to Home Depot.
-
(https://media.gab.com/system/media_attachments/files/120/247/575/original/17fba66e85515413.jpg)
-
It had been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home.
Living in Washington D.C. he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he had ever seen before.
Bewildered, since he hadn’t heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down, stopping for a few moments, and then driving off.
Suddenly, a man knocks on his window. John rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
The man says, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!”
“Oh my gosh!” exclaimed John.
“And they’re asking for a $100 million ransom.”
“Jeez Louise!” moaned John
“Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!”
“Lord have mercy! cried John.
“We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” asked John.
“About a gallon, maybe two. Depending on what you can afford.”
-
Well yall have wore me down, I am gonna support Trump for reelection in 2024.... I figured it was the best thing I could do since anyone/everyone I have supported has gone down in flames for almost 20 years.
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Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds tonight at 1AM for Thanksgiving.
-
Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds tonight at 1AM for Thanksgiving.
:rolling: :rolling:
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Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds tonight at 1AM for Thanksgiving.
:thumbsup:
-
There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.
He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son!"
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(https://media.gab.com/system/media_attachments/files/120/247/575/original/17fba66e85515413.jpg)
88devil
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(https://mediacloud.theweek.com/image/upload/f_auto,t_single-media-image-desktop@1/v1669931168/269439_768_rgb.jpg)
-
There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.
He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son!"
:mauslaff:
-
(an oldie)
A guy looking in the classified for a used car...
sees a new Corvette listed for $50. Thinking it's a misprint, he decides to go check it out anyway. Arriving at the sellers residence, it's a dream car, not a scratch on it and it runs great.
"Ma'am, I want to buy this car. But the paper said it was only $50, what do you really want for it?"
"That's right, $50 and it's yours!"
"Excuse me for being nosy, ma'am, but why are you selling it so cheap? Is it stolen or something?"
"No, it's my husbands car. He ran off with his young secretary last month, and two days ago I got a telegram from him saying to sell the Corvette and send him the money!"
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(https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=630,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/122/182/178/original/6db0c9330e808886.png)
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(https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=630,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/122/182/178/original/6db0c9330e808886.png)
:rolling: That's a pretty good one.
-
A wish to live forever
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
"I wish to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "that is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."
"Fine," I said. "Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"
"You're a crafty little bastard," replied the fairy.
-
FBI Releases All JFK Documents Except For The One That Says They Killed Him
U.S. · Dec 17, 2022 · BabylonBee.com
WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the direction of the FBI, the National Archives has released all of the government's documents related to John F. Kennedy's assassination - except for the document that says the FBI killed President Kennedy.
"We are happy to finally declassify all of the JFK documents, with one tiny exception," said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "We hope this will put to rest all of those silly conspiracies about how the FBI planned the whole thing, and I really hope no one ever asks us about this again."
The release from the National Archives comes as the FBI has sought to increase public transparency and trust. "We believe shooting straight with people is always the best policy," said Director Wray, his head tilting backward. "It keeps people from believing there may be some second source of information that's being hidden. We hope this release will allow the public to see things from our elevated vantage point."
At publishing time, the FBI had promised to also release further documents about the so-called "moon landing".
https://babylonbee.com/news/fbi-releases-all-jfk-documents-except-for-the-one-that-says-they-killed-him
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?
"Not everybody pays."
-
*A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring.*
*He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”*
*She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive.”*
*“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”*
*She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…….1) You have to
be single and2) You must be Catholic.”*
*The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”*
*“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”The nun fulfills his fantasy
with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the
road, the cab driver starts crying.*
*“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”*
*“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and
I’m Jewish.”*
*The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween
party!*
-
Bad Lip Reading drops in on Congress.
https://twitter.com/BadLipReading/status/1613353470886834177
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Bad Lip Reading drops in on Congress.
https://twitter.com/BadLipReading/status/1613353470886834177
@mountaineer
Which ones are code*amed Sheep Dip 1,Sheep Dip 2,etc,etc,etc?
-
I recognized Matt Gaetz and Chip Roy (I think). Not sure who the others are.
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FmoZNjfXgAAIdCi?format=jpg&name=small)
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FmoZNjfXgAAIdCi?format=jpg&name=small)
:mauslaff:
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FmoZNjfXgAAIdCi?format=jpg&name=small)
@Right_in_Virginia
LOL!
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A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, "I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% . You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%” After a pause, the instructor added,
“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.
-
:rolling:
-
A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, "I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% . You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%” After a pause, the instructor added,
“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.
:mauslaff:
That reminds me of one of my dentists, who used to complain that heart surgeons had it so much easier, because they had so much extra room to work in than he did.
-
A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, "I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% . You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%” After a pause, the instructor added,
“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.
88devil
-
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde Genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde Genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a huge bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore the fabulous house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in KU KLUX KLAN outfits. They soon grab him and drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the KLANSMEN are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde Genies.
One blonde Genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a billionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me.'
-
Dr. Geezer
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
*Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".
*Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
-
SPLINTERS IN HER CROTCH
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.
GOD BLESS AMERICA
-
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain, so the king and the queen went fishing.
On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace. In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So, the king continued on his way.
However, in a short time, torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to execute the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So, the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
And thus, the symbol of the Democrat Party was born.
The practice continues to this day.
-
First Class!
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You sure this is a joke @corbe Sounds perfectly legit to me! :beer:
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That's righteous, @corbe!
-
:bkmk:
-
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain, so the king and the queen went fishing.
On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace. In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So, the king continued on his way.
However, in a short time, torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to execute the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So, the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
And thus, the symbol of the Democrat Party was born.
The practice continues to this day.
:mauslaff:
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I made the mistake of making my coffee with Red Bull instead of water once. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
-
Joe and Kamala were driving through Cairo when their car broke down. So they went to a camel rental place. The guy there tells them he has just the one they need. It knows all the traffic laws and signs. So they take it. A little while later the camel stops at a red light. A car full of Egyptians pulls alongside and one says "look at those two assholes on that camel". Joe and Kamala got off to look, the light changed, the camel took off, and they never saw it again.
-
That one sounds perfectly legit, too.
-
Okie dokie -- We got our handy dandy newsletter from our realtor with some laughs (?)
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank is coffee before it was cool!
Why did the tree go to the barber?
To get a trim!
Ta dah ..... ya, well, I read through them happy77 Pretty lame I know.
-
:banghead:
-
:banghead:
:rolling: :rolling: :rolling: Your reaction made me laugh making it worth it. :beer: :silly:
-
:rolling: :rolling: :rolling: Your reaction made me laugh making it worth it. :beer: :silly:
:happyhappy:
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@libertybele
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
-
@libertybele
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
Yes, I've noticed -- and I enjoy your lightheartedness happy77
-
I asked my Dad if my Mother would like a wrist watch for her birthday. He said why, there is a clock on the stove.
-
I asked my Dad if my Mother would like a wrist watch for her birthday. He said why, there is a clock on the stove.
****drummer
-
What does “idk” stand for? Everyone I ask says, “I don’t know.”
-
What does “idk” stand for? Everyone I ask says, “I don’t know.”
:laugh:
-
I asked my Dad if my Mother would like a wrist watch for her birthday. He said why, there is a clock on the stove.
@Wingnut
Is he out of recovery yet?
-
@Wingnut
Is he out of recovery yet?
Good one @sneakypete :silly:
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An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. Each time, the couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
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I had a lot of pimples. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
-
"My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section." :silly:
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What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste, mostly.
-
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste, mostly.
@bigheadfred
I'm gonna have to just take your word on this one,Fred.
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@bigheadfred
I'm gonna have to just take your word on this one,Fred.
Thanks @sneakypete I knew I should have gone with a tasteless joke instead.
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Thanks @sneakypete I knew I should have gone with a tasteless joke instead.
@bigheadfred
LOL!
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Thanks @sneakypete I knew I should have gone with a tasteless joke instead.
:silly: :silly: :silly:
-
Three friends married women from different branches of the military.
The first man married a woman from the Navy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from the Air Force. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a Woman Marine. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
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A former marine sergeant took a job as a high school teacher
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence... The rest of the year went very smoothly.
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Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed: Desperate
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
-
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
-
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
@corbe
LOL!
I did NOT see that coming.....
-
Little Funnies (?):
- I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite remarkable.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- I like what farmers wear, overall.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
- She tried to make a chemistry joke but got no reaction.
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(https://img-s-msn-com.akamaized.net/tenant/amp/entityid/AA1bDZdQ.img?w=768&h=875&m=6)
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(https://img-s-msn-com.akamaized.net/tenant/amp/entityid/AA1bDZdQ.img?w=768&h=875&m=6)
That outlet isn't GFCI.
-
That outlet isn't GFCI.
It may be downstream from a GFCI outlet...
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(https://img-s-msn-com.akamaized.net/tenant/amp/entityid/AA1bDZdQ.img?w=768&h=875&m=6)
Now I understand why it says "Do not use this appliance in the shower" in the hairdryer manual.
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It may be downstream from a GFCI outlet...
But then you'd have to get out of the shower to reset it...
-
That outlet isn't GFCI.
LOL! You're kinda missing the point. :whistle:
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, Some bleep has my pen. :silly:
-
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home: "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, please be careful!" Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!" happy77
-
What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd. ****drummer
-
My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest hospital.
I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered through the - frankly very personal - examination.
When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question that sent shivers down my soul: “Who the heck was that?”
-
People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
-
People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
:mauslaff:
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People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
Choice!
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People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
Ooh! Stealing !
-
As I was walking into the hospital for my appointment, I came upon a food truck and had to do a double take.
The sign on the food truck:
PRACTICE SAFE EATING. USE CONDIMENTS. :silly: ****drummer
-
As I was walking into the hospital for my appointment, I came upon a food truck and had to do a double take.
The sign on the food truck:
PRACTICE SAFE EATING. USE CONDIMENTS. :silly: ****drummer
:mauslaff:
-
(https://parade.com/.image/t_share/MTkwNTgxMjE5MjEzNTE4NzE2/one-liners-30.jpg)
-
(https://700011.xyz/files/funotic/weird/hilarious_one_liners_01.jpg)
-
(https://parade.com/.image/t_share/MTkwNTgxMjE5MjEzNTE4NzE2/one-liners-30.jpg)
:rolling: :rolling:
-
A man goes to his doctor and says ‘Doctor, I have a terrible problem… Every time I urinate, the pee goes everywhere, I can’t control it’.
The doctor says ‘Right, drop your trousers and lets have a look’…
After a quick examination he says ‘Ah, I see your problem, your penis has holes all along its length… I’m going to refer you to a chap I know’.
That’s great says the man, is he an expert on this sort of thing?
‘No’, says the doctor, ‘he’s a flute player, he’ll show you how to hold it’….
-
Sounds Familiar :
Common sense...........
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. 'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age.
We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cellphones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, ...and,' pausing to take another drink of beer.
The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation?'
The applause was resounding...
I love senior citizens
-
Government job
A guy goes to the Government to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.
"Okay, have you ever been in the military?"
“Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
-
I told my friend that she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised! :rolling:
What do you call a bear with no teeth?? ............... A gummy bear. :silly:
-
I told my friend that she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised! :rolling:
What do you call a bear with no teeth?? ............... A gummy bear. :silly:
:mauslaff:
-
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6a16c5f13d631729591e94b1d1982b27f83648f0ed795162c6a9e99ea90ecdb2.jpg)
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..
-
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6a16c5f13d631729591e94b1d1982b27f83648f0ed795162c6a9e99ea90ecdb2.jpg)
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..
:thumbsup:
-
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6a16c5f13d631729591e94b1d1982b27f83648f0ed795162c6a9e99ea90ecdb2.jpg)
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..
That is not only funny...it's a very valid point. :laugh:
-
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6a16c5f13d631729591e94b1d1982b27f83648f0ed795162c6a9e99ea90ecdb2.jpg)
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..
@corbe
VERY true!
-
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta! :rolling: :rolling:
-
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta! :rolling: :rolling:
>groan<
-
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.
‘What’s up?’ says the driver.
‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.
‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’
-
MEDICARE "PLAN G-1"
- Nursing Home Plan
Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government
says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G-1"!!! The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (
Plan G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot yourself, OR one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you'll receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library,and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip,
knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you about as often as they do now!
Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you
to go into a nursing home. As an added bonus you will get rid of a useless politician while you are
at it.
And, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?
-
MEDICARE "PLAN G-1"
- Nursing Home Plan
Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government
says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G-1"!!! The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (
Plan G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot yourself, OR one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you'll receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library,and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip,
knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you about as often as they do now!
Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you
to go into a nursing home. As an added bonus you will get rid of a useless politician while you are
at it.
And, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?
I think you are on to something here, @corbe
-
MEDICARE "PLAN G-1"
- Nursing Home Plan
Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government
says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G-1"!!! The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (
Plan G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot yourself, OR one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you'll receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library,and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip,
knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you about as often as they do now!
Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you
to go into a nursing home. As an added bonus you will get rid of a useless politician while you are
at it.
And, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?
The only downside is that you won't be able to collect your social security. That said, depending on where you go, I hear the wood shop can be really well set up.
-
The only downside is that you won't be able to collect your social security. That said, depending on where you go, I hear the wood shop can be really well set up.
Wood shop...ain't that what they call the showers in prison?
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Wood shop...ain't that what they call the showers in prison?
Nah. It's where the prisoners make very nice furniture for the Government offices here.
-
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.
"Look what you did to my car" he yells. "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.
Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."
"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....
-
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.
"Look what you did to my car" he yells. "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.
Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."
"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....
I thought he was going to bring a bunch of the Miami Dolphins
-
What happens to a toad's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
A box of quackers!
(https://static.wixstatic.com/media/53e57b_a83713497067471d9673e3a4a34539df~mv2.jpg/v1/fill/w_411,h_438,al_c,q_80,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01,enc_auto/Screenshot_20210530-084547_Reddit.jpg)
****drummer
-
:happyhappy:
-
:rolling: At the lion and the ostrich. :rolling:
-
I know you've all been waiting patiently for a little Christmas humor happy77 *****rollingeyes*****
What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho ****drummer
What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
We'll have a boo Christmas without you. :silly:
-
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side. :shrug:
-
Why was the letter "e" the only letter of the alphabet that got a Christmas present?
Because all the other letters were not-e.
-
The American Medical Association held a conference in MIami so that its members could enjoy the beautiful weather.
One doctor from Manhattan went into the Lottery Bar and ordered a martini.
Bartender said cheerfully, "That'll be ten cents please." The doctor could scarcely believe a martini was only a dime, but it was the best drink he ever had!
"I don't know how you do it, but I'll have another martini, and how about some macadamia nuts?"
"Coming right up. That'll be a dime for the martini and a dime for a big dish of macadamia nuts."
"You see, doc, a few years back I hit the Lotto Jackpot and I bought this bar so I could offer the best drinks at giveaway prices. That way I make new friends every day to talk to. Great fun!"
Doctor says, "You're a real sport. I just have to ask, why are those four gray-haired guys sitting in the corner with no drinks or snacks?"
Bartender: "You know these Florida seniors. They're waiting for Happy Hour when everything is half price."
-
An elderly couple entered a McDonald's and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.
The old man walked over and placed an order for himself.
He unwrapped the burger and cut it in half and put the other half next to his wife. Carefully he counted out the fries and gave her half.
He put two straws in a soda and put it between him and his wife.
The old lady began to eat her half of the burger, whilst people stared at them compassionately.
A young man approached them and offered to buy them another meal.
The old woman replied, “Do not bother, we are used to sharing everything.”
Everyone realized the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.
The young man approached and offered again.
This time it was the old man who explained, “It's okay, we are used to sharing everything.
The young man then asked the old man, “What are you waiting for then?”
He said, “She has the teeth.”
-
An elderly couple entered a McDonald's and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.
The old man walked over and placed an order for himself.
He unwrapped the burger and cut it in half and put the other half next to his wife. Carefully he counted out the fries and gave her half.
He put two straws in a soda and put it between him and his wife.
The old lady began to eat her half of the burger, whilst people stared at them compassionately.
A young man approached them and offered to buy them another meal.
The old woman replied, “Do not bother, we are used to sharing everything.”
Everyone realized the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.
The young man approached and offered again.
This time it was the old man who explained, “It's okay, we are used to sharing everything.
The young man then asked the old man, “What are you waiting for then?”
He said, “She has the teeth.”
:silly: :silly: :silly: :silly: :silly:
-
:silly: :silly: :silly: :silly: :silly:
That is hilarious. But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......
It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety. Man did that ever piss me off. When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off.
Well, we all know how those things go. :thud: How many of you have dealt with the same.?
-
That is hilarious. But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......
It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety. Man did that ever piss me off. When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off.
Well, we all know how those things go. :thud: How many of you have dealt with the same.?
My wife and I will soon celebrate our 56th anniversary and STILL debate over whether the Toilet paper goes over or under!
-
My wife and I will soon celebrate our 56th anniversary and STILL debate over whether the Toilet paper goes over or under!
That was one of the first times I just knuckled under. I already know better than to argue over inconsequential things.
:tongue2: :silly:
-
That was one of the first times I just knuckled under. I already know better than to argue over inconsequential things.
:tongue2: :silly:
We're only at 30 years, but I would tend to agree with you there. The important thing is that there is TP in the necessary room. I can always turn it around and/or place it on the holder while I'm otherwise occupied in there!
-
That was one of the first times I just knuckled under. I already know better than to argue over inconsequential things.
:tongue2: :silly:
:yowsa: These days I mostly just say yes dear and move on.
-
Mrs. Lando and I have 35 years and counting. She put up with my career and the various moves it demanded, Dad and the boys doing guy things, and all that kind of stuff. If she wants the teeth first, she can have ‘em.
-
That is hilarious. But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......
It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety. Man did that ever piss me off. When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off.
Well, we all know how those things go. :thud: How many of you have dealt with the same.?
Nope. No share. MY food. I will tolerate the theft of a french fry or two to prove I love her... No one else could do that much.
That will never change. Heck, even the dog knows better.
-
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: “Whatever means necessary.”
Me: “No it doesn’t.”
-
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, "How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I replied, "The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical."
-
That was one of the first times I just knuckled under. I already know better than to argue over inconsequential things.
:tongue2: :silly:
It didn't take very long for me to figure out that it's better to just bite my tongue, since this year we will be married 48 years I would say that for me at least that has worked. What's the benefit of proving your right when all you achieve is discord?
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It didn't take very long for me to figure out that it's better to just bite my tongue, since this year we will be married 48 years I would say that for me at least that has worked. What's the benefit of proving your right when all you achieve is discord?
I think we as men have lost when it comes to the war of attrition. I am of the same mindset. The "Happy Wife...Happy Life" meme rings true because think about it. We are outmatched.
Example..... My wife can remember what I wore on our first date. 40+ years ago. What we ate, and what was said. Crap, I can't even hardly remember or care about last week.
-
I think we as men have lost when it comes to the war of attrition. I am of the same mindset. The "Happy Wife...Happy Life" meme rings true because think about it. We are outmatched.
Example..... My wife can remember what I wore on our first date. 40+ years ago. What we ate, and what was said. Crap, I can't even hardly remember or care about last week.
Hell, last week was an eternity ago in man time :silly: I remember when I told my wife I was going to put a ring on her finger, it was the first time we were out and horseback riding with coworkers, I know when I put the engagement ring on her finger...it was Halloween and I still know my anniversary and even the time we were married, and I have never forgotten her birthday...is anything else really important? :shrug:
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Hell, last week was an eternity ago in man time :silly: I remember when I told my wife I was going to put a ring on her finger, it was the first time we were out and horseback riding with coworkers, I know when I put the engagement ring on her finger...it was Halloween and I still know my anniversary and even the time we were married, and I have never forgotten her birthday...is anything else really important? :shrug:
Nailed it. Women are wired by details, men-big pic stuff, no details.
-
I will always remember when I asked Mrs. Liberty to marry me: "Wanna get plumb hitched?" True story!
-
I will always remember when I asked Mrs. Liberty to marry me: "Wanna get plumb hitched?" True story!
Don't remember exactly asking, but did pay nearly 30 years for not doing it on one knee.
Hint HInt.... to young batchelors. Don't make the same mistake.
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Hell, last week was an eternity ago in man time :silly: I remember when I told my wife I was going to put a ring on her finger, it was the first time we were out and horseback riding with coworkers, I know when I put the engagement ring on her finger...it was Halloween and I still know my anniversary and even the time we were married, and I have never forgotten her birthday...is anything else really important? :shrug:
:silly: Well, my husband of 41 years insists that we met 43 years ago on January 31, 1980. We met at a party on a Saturday night. January 31, 1980 happens to fall on a Thursday, so we would have had to have met the Saturday before. Far be it from me to argue as he's never been wrong ( *****rollingeyes*****) -- so why even throw that out there? Someone very wise once told me to pick the battles that are worth fighting about.
Forget birthdays or an anniversary? Let's see ... we celebrated my birthday once 3 weeks early one year because he got his dates confused. Act surprised that he remembered? No problem! :laugh: So...for awhile I got a calendar to hang on the wall and I wrote the dates on it -- along with his parents bdays, kids bdays, etc., so it didn't seem too obvious. Now a days I just mention to him a few days beforehand the plans that I've made for our anniversary and my bday. :laugh:
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I will always remember when I asked Mrs. Liberty to marry me: "Wanna get plumb hitched?" True story!
A great memory!! 888high58888
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That is hilarious. But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......
It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety. Man did that ever piss me off. When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off.
Well, we all know how those things go. :thud: How many of you have dealt with the same.?
Damn, son, just go to the buffet.
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Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, "How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I replied, "The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical."
:silly:
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Nailed it. Women are wired by details, men-big pic stuff, no details.
(https://chaosandclarity.files.wordpress.com/2017/03/men-women-on-off-switch.jpg)
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:silly: Well, my husband of 41 years insists that we met 43 years ago on January 31, 1980. We met at a party on a Saturday night. January 31, 1980 happens to fall on a Thursday, so we would have had to have met the Saturday before. Far be it from me to argue as he's never been wrong ( *****rollingeyes*****) -- so why even throw that out there? Someone very wise once told me to pick the battles that are worth fighting about.
Forget birthdays or an anniversary? Let's see ... we celebrated my birthday once 3 weeks early one year because he got his dates confused. Act surprised that he remembered? No problem! :laugh: So...for awhile I got a calendar to hang on the wall and I wrote the dates on it -- along with his parents bdays, kids bdays, etc., so it didn't seem too obvious. Now a days I just mention to him a few days beforehand the plans that I've made for our anniversary and my bday. :laugh:
Mrs. Joe and I were married on my birthday. No forgetting our Anniversary, and she was the best Birthday present I ever got.
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Forget birthdays or an anniversary? Let's see ... we celebrated my birthday once 3 weeks early one year because he got his dates confused. Act surprised that he remembered? No problem! :laugh: So...for awhile I got a calendar to hang on the wall and I wrote the dates on it -- along with his parents bdays, kids bdays, etc., so it didn't seem too obvious. Now a days I just mention to him a few days beforehand the plans that I've made for our anniversary and my bday. :laugh:
Alright... I don't remember nothing, and never have. It's only lately that I have become more aware of the importance of these dates to others. None of it matters a whit to me, except 4th of July, which I have often missed - working right through. But by and large, having no weekends and no important days of my own, it makes it hard to fathom in others.
The only one to fix that in me was again, a sweet Georgia peach who, as Southern culture demands, was a bit of a socialite, caring also for elder relatives,and never missed an important day in her life - And whether I cared or not, it would be unseemly to attend alone, and often required hanging onto an arm.
She figured out that I pay attention to my business calendar, never missing, whereupon she conned me into sharing that PIM to her account... and thereafter all those social functions began flooding into my days. Even, with legit authority I suppose, acting like my secretary, moving my crapnaround to shoehorn in an event.
Yeah... she drove me crazy... and she always got her way. Always.
I should have married that one...
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That is hilarious. But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......
It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety. Man did that ever piss me off. When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off.
Well, we all know how those things go. :thud: How many of you have dealt with the same.?
@catfish1957
How did THAT work out for you?
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Nope. No share. MY food. I will tolerate the theft of a french fry or two to prove I love her... No one else could do that much.
That will never change. Heck, even the dog knows better.
@roamer_1
I am definitely NOT an expert of the "wife stuff",or even the "generic woman stuff",but I am GUESSING that she was NOT amused by the "even the dog knows better" comment.
How long did it take you to heal?
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Mrs. Joe and I were married on my birthday. No forgetting our Anniversary, and she was the best Birthday present I ever got.
That's a beautiful thing @Smokin Joe
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@roamer_1
I am definitely NOT an expert of the "wife stuff",or even the "generic woman stuff",but I am GUESSING that she was NOT amused by the "even the dog knows better" comment.
How long did it take you to heal?
Nope. no messin with my vittles. You might could lose a hand happy77
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@catfish1957
How did THAT work out for you?
What do you think? 66minnie-----X yymouse
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Don't remember exactly asking, but did pay nearly 30 years for not doing it on one knee.
Hint HInt.... to young batchelors. Don't make the same mistake.
I kept getting turned down until I bent the knee.
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Alright... I don't remember nothing, and never have. It's only lately that I have become more aware of the importance of these dates to others. None of it matters a whit to me, except 4th of July, which I have often missed - working right through. But by and large, having no weekends and no important days of my own, it makes it hard to fathom in others.
The only one to fix that in me was again, a sweet Georgia peach who, as Southern culture demands, was a bit of a socialite, caring also for elder relatives,and never missed an important day in her life - And whether I cared or not, it would be unseemly to attend alone, and often required hanging onto an arm.
She figured out that I pay attention to my business calendar, never missing, whereupon she conned me into sharing that PIM to her account... and thereafter all those social functions began flooding into my days. Even, with legit authority I suppose, acting like my secretary, moving my crapn around to shoehorn in an event.
That's a good woman. She recognized and accepted your shortcomings, and she a way to work around them. She saw there was little use in playing the "Let's see if he remembers my birthday" game because she knew you would both lose. You for not remembering, and her for expecting the impossible.
My wife will simply ask if I've come up with a plan for our anniversary or will throw out ideas about what would be nice for her birthday. I couldn't ask for a better woman. She is proof that G-d loves me.
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I kept getting turned down until I bent the knee.
Another example and a good lesson to the young guys.....
If you don't turn this thing into a Hallmark Channel kind of RomCom thing, you just might not have much success.
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That's a good woman. She recognized and accepted your shortcomings, and she a way to work around them. She saw there was little use in playing the "Let's see if he remembers my birthday" game because she knew you would both lose. You for not remembering, and her for expecting the impossible.
My wife will simply ask if I've come up with a plan for our anniversary or will throw out ideas about what would be nice for her birthday. I couldn't ask for a better woman. She is proof that G-d loves me.
Yup. She was a veritable man-whisperer... She got her way, openly manipulating me to get it, and making me like it in the process. Absolutely stunning talent.
She did much the same as your wife... When I needed to buy her a gift, she would schedule several shopping lunches - not that I knew I was going shopping - and she was sure to put the things she liked in my hands... She knew dang well my mind was not on shopping, and hardly with her (I hate shopping), and that none of it would register unless I put my hands on it.
It took me years to figure out that part... long after we parted ways. I should have married that woman, I'll tell you what...
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That is hilarious. But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......
It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety. Man did that ever piss me off. When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off.
Well, we all know how those things go. :thud: How many of you have dealt with the same.?
I will have know Vergette for 42 years February 27th. I am pretty sure that has been standard practice all that time. And after all these years I would not have it any different.
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Nailed it. Women are wired by details, men-big pic stuff, no details.
With my engineering background and machinist training I have to be wired for both the big pictures and the tiny details. Sometimes that makes Vergette a little crazy.
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That is hilarious. But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......
It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety. Man did that ever piss me off. When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off.
Well, we all know how those things go. :thud: How many of you have dealt with the same.?
@catfish1957
Yeah.
How did THAT work out for you?
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I sat next to a baby for a 10 hour flight.
I didn't think it was possible for someone to scream for 10 hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
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I sat next to a baby for a 10 hour flight.
I didn't think it was possible for someone to scream for 10 hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
:silly:
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I sat next to a baby for a 10 hour flight.
I didn't think it was possible for someone to scream for 10 hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
:happyhappy:
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https://twitter.com/MattWallace888/status/1773193090129396047
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She is higher than a Georgia pine.
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She is higher than a Georgia pine.
Either that, or she's been hitting the firewater...
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What tree has the best kind of bark?
A dogwood
(Dad joke, lol)
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(https://media1.tenor.com/images/e14f50d86d5211b782f0e65ebb9279a2/tenor.gif)
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If yall are gonna make @sneakypete a Category Moderator, My time in here won't be for long. Can he BAN me? :rolling:
Love you Corbe. I've had him on IGNORE for a long time.
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I sat next to a baby for a 10 hour flight.
I didn't think it was possible for someone to scream for 10 hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
Such a simple joke that even a week later still has me laughing... I tried telling it to my boy, but he didn't get it fast enough and it was just awkward. Uggg....
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http://youtube.com/shorts/HiDGfFOzfnk
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Laugh or cry?
Blade-Less Swiss Army Knife Debuts As Weapon Laws Tighten
In a world that is fracturing into a multipolar state, with risks of world war erupting in either Eastern Europe or the Middle East, continued threats of conflict in the Pacific, and the migrant invasion across Western countries, the company behind the iconic half-century-old fold-up tool, the Swiss Army Knife, will soon debut a blade-less version because of regulations.
Victorinox Chief Executive Officer Carl Eisner told Swiss paper Blick on Monday that its Swiss Army Knife will soon be available without a blade due to mounting regulations in European and Asian countries amid a surge in violence.
https://www.zerohedge.com/political/how-ridiculous-blade-less-swiss-army-knife-debuts-weapon-laws-tighten
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This is a crime against humanity.
(https://cms.zerohedge.com/s3/files/inline-images/2024-05-06_09-36-07.png?itok=HwtkOPXz)
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Humorous, silly, crazy and useless are window stickers on automobiles that read:
BABY ON BOARD
as if we intended to plow into that particular car, but now since we see it has a "baby on board,"
we have to swerve and hit ANOTHER car instead.
Next time you see that stupid sticker, you will remember my ass toot observation.
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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night”
She said, “Oh, that’s great! And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She nodded and said, “Yes, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
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This is a crime against humanity.
The TSA morons still will seize the knifeless Swiss Army non-knife. Those tiny little scissors are a weapon, y'know. TSA seized my then-80 y/o mother's nail scissors when we were en route to Mayo Clinic for her cancer checkup. She seemed dangerous to them.
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"Did you read in the paper about Lorena Bobbit getting badly injured in a car crash up in Boston?
Apparently some dick cut her off."
"My wife got into a car crash
The Cops suspended her license, and slapped her with a fine. She tried to argue that the guy was drinking and speaking on the phone. The Cops didn't care, they said he has a full right to do what he wants on his own front porch."
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:happyhappy: