Humor/Jokes

[rustynail]

What would you do with a sick chemist?

If you can’t Helium or Curium, then you would need to Barium.

[Kamaji]

[sneakypete]

What would you do with a sick chemist?

If you can’t Helium or Curium, then you would need to Barium.

@rustynail

That is so bad I am a little jealous

[libertybele]

I told my doctor that I broke my leg in two places---
He told me to stop going to those places. 


My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.

 


-- Henny Youngman

[Cyber Liberty]

What would you do with a sick chemist?

If you can’t Helium or Curium, then you would need to Barium.

I told my doctor that I broke my leg in two places---
He told me to stop going to those places. 


My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.

 


-- Henny Youngman

LMBO!!

[240B]

I hate both you guys.

[libertybele]

I hate both you guys.

Ah ... but we wuvs you! 

[Hoodat]

What would you do with a sick chemist?

If you can’t Helium or Curium, then you would need to Barium.

Q:  What do you do if no one laughs at your chemistry jokes?

A:  Keep telling them until you get a reaction.

[libertybele]

Q:  What do you do if no one laughs at your chemistry jokes?

A:  Keep telling them until you get a reaction.

  

[Kamaji]

Q:  What do you do if no one laughs at your chemistry jokes?

A:  Keep telling them until you get a reaction.

[rustynail]

What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?

~ Pull down its genes.

[Kamaji]

What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?

~ Pull down its genes.

[Cyber Liberty]

 

What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?

~ Pull down its genes.

[Hoodat]

[rustynail]

You know why Tonga has volcanoes and tsunamis while mainland America has Liberals?

 

Tonga got first pick.

[Kamaji]

You know why Tonga has volcanoes and tsunamis while mainland America has Liberals?

 

Tonga got first pick.

Why are there so many lawyers in NY and so much toxic waste in NJ?


NJ got first pick!

[rustynail]

Why do peppers make such good archers?

~Because they habanero.

[corbe]

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[Gefn]

Why are there so many lawyers in NY and so much toxic waste in NJ?


NJ got first pick!

 

[Kamaji]

So I was at this one bar one night and someone screamed, "Does anyone know CPR here!" I retorted, "Sure, I know the entire alphabet".

Everyone laughed, except this one guy...........

[Cyber Liberty]

So I was at this one bar one night and someone screamed, "Does anyone know CPR here!" I retorted, "Sure, I know the entire alphabet".

Everyone laughed, except this one guy...........

"Brevity is the soul of wit."

[Kamaji]

So this woman gets pulled over for speeding.

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.  Can I see your license?

Woman: License?  I don't have one cuz they took It from me for DWI.

Officer: No license?  Ok, how about your registration and proof on insurance?

Woman: Nope, I don't have that either.  In fact, I stole this car, it's not even mine.

Officer: Stole the car?  From who?

Woman: Beats me, all I know is I hacked him into bits and threw him in the trunk.

The officer then backs up slowly from the car, calls for back up, and awaits help.  Within minutes 5 police cars surround the vehicle as a senior officer approaches the woman.

Senior officer: Ma'am, would you please step out of the car?

Woman: Certainly officer, what is this about?

Senior officer: Can I see your license?

Woman: Sure officer, here it is.

Senior Officer: Ok, what about registration and proof of insurance.

Woman: Sure, I have that as well, here It is.

Senior officer: (Looking puzzled): O......k.. ......how about opening the trunk.

The woman opens the trunk that reveals it to be empty.

Senior Officer: Well that's odd. This other officer claims that you had no license, stole this car, and hacked up a body and threw it in the trunk.

Woman: What a lying bastard, I bet he even said I was speeding.

[Kamaji]

"To do is to be" - Nietzsche

"To be is to do" - Kant

"To be, do be, do be, do" - Sinatra

[Kamaji]

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

[Kamaji]

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”