Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 2, 2026 Edition  (Read 33 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 2, 2026 Edition
« on: Friday, Jul 31, 2026 10:44 pm »
Fauci Establishes New 5th Amendment Record

This week, the previously pardoned Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared before the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee and invoked the Constitution's Fifth Amendment against self-incrimination 111 times. Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo) called Fauci's actions "remarkable. He invoked the 5th more times than any previous underworld gangster to ever appear before the US Senate. Unlike those gangsters, Dr. Fauci had received a blanket pardon from former President Biden 'for any crimes he may have committed between 2014 and January 20, 2025.' The US Supreme Court ruled in the 1896 case of Brown versus Walker that recipients of pardons are not entitled to invoke the 5th. Thus, Dr. Fauci has added 111 violations of US law to the multitude of crimes for which he was pardoned."

In his opening statement Fauci explained that "my great respect for Congressional oversight compels me to refuse to answer any questions premised on the notion that I am worthy of criticism. As I noted in my diary, I am a darling of the media. I have been praised by George Stephanopoulos, Jake Tapper, Barbra Streisand, and Julia Roberts. I was the longest serving and highest paid public health officer in American history. I was, for a time, the most famous man in the world. I will not yield to the slanders of Sen. Paul or any others who do not value my heroic efforts on behalf of public health."

Sen. Andy Kim (D-NJ) criticized Republicans "for condemning the honest mistakes of a dedicated public servant like Dr. Fauci. The good doctor has been forgiven by former President Biden. He is immune from further responsibility for his past actions. This attempt to impugn him will chill future generations of Faucis who might otherwise seek to emulate his actions on behalf of the benefit of mankind."

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky) pointed out that "Dr. Fauci's diary contains admissions that his actions and public statements during the pandemic contradicted his sworn testimony to Congress. He was aware that his statements and actions were not based on actual science--that face masks couldn't block the virus, the 6-foot social distancing was made up, and that the vaccines neither prevented infection from nor transmission of the virus. He strove to block alternative therapies that worked and encouraged coercing folks into getting these vaccines. He supported efforts to suppress the statements of scientists who had differences of opinion on issues he insisted were 'settled.' By law, he is not entitled to assert the 5th Amendment in order to avoid telling the truth. In order for our country to avoid repeating the mistakes made during the pandemic he has both a moral and legal responsibility to candidly admit where he led the country down the wrong path."

Former Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard called Fauci's performance in the Senate hearing "sickening. Former President Obama issued a ban on 'gain-of-function' research. Evidence shows that Dr. Fauci covertly and illegally funded the 'gain-of-function' research at the Wuhan Lab in China with US taxpayers' money. 'Gain-of-function' research is intended to develop bioweapons that can cause mass death by disease. This is precisely what COVID-19 did. Officially, 7 million people are reported to have died from it. Estimates run as high as 35 million deaths. Dr. Fauci's aid in the development of the COVID bioweapon by China, an adversary nation, is clearly an act of treason. Causing the death of millions around the world is clearly a crime against humanity of a magnitude rivaling that of Nazis who were executed or imprisoned after World War II."

Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier said "Dr. Fauci's lack of candor to Congress is unbelievable. My office is launching an investigation into Dr. Fauci. His pardon only covers federal crimes. It doesn't immunize him against prosecution for state crimes. Our inquiry will focus on what Fauci knew, when he knew it, and how he misled people. We will examine the physical and monetary harms to Floridians that may have resulted from his deceptions and determine whether his conduct exposes him to liability under state law."

Mamdani Defends "Doxxing" Pied-à-Terre Property Owners

New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani defended publishing the names and addresses of the 30,000 property owners who will have to pay the Pied-à-Terre tax, saying "these people are not really residents of the city. They don't occupy these properties on a full-time basis. They are not eligible to vote in our city's elections. Their possession of these properties is for occasional visits. It's a luxury expenditure. In short, they don't really need these houses or condos. Those who are homeless have a right to know who is withholding homes that they need so they can take action to try to pry these properties away from the selfish rich."

The Mayor suggested that "the homeless could agitate for the city to confiscate these properties for redistribution to them. They could harass the owners and make themselves such a nuisance that the owners willingly abandon their ownership. Or they could simply move in while the owners are away and squat inside the residences making it difficult or impossible for the rich owners to evict them. Since these properties are in reality part of the surplus wealth of the owners, I have instructed our city attorneys to defend the rights of the homeless to seize this surplus wealth."

"Whether the homeless take action themselves or not, the city will proceed to levee annual taxes of 4% on condos worth $1 million to $3 million, 5.25% on condos worth $3 million to $5 million, and 6.5% on condos worth $5 million or more," the Mayor asserted. "These confiscatory levels of taxation will make continued possession of these surplus properties infeasible for all but the most wealthy. Most will be sold at steep discounts to actual city residents or be seized by the city for nonpayment of the tax."

"This is the kind of creative solution to our city's homeless problem that only democratic socialism can provide," Mamdani boasted. "Wealth will be redistributed from those who have it to those who need it. The rich will be made a little poorer. The poor will be made a little richer. We will be a step closer to the equality envisioned by Karl Marx in his Communist Manifesto. Voters in New York and throughout the nation will see the benefits of collectivism and elect more of us to office in the years to come."

In related news, Democratic Socialists of America Co-Chair Megan Romer appeared on "Fox News Sunday" and promised to "eliminate the US Senate. Replace the President and Supreme Court with bodies chosen by and subordinate to Congress. Abolish police and prisons. Grant amnesty to all illegal immigrants. Government confiscation, ownership, and operation of all major corporations. This is the platform that is winning us votes all around the nation. The masses are tired of being tyrannized by the laws of supply and demand. They want the equality and sharing that only socialism can deliver."

"Software Glitch" Excuse Was a Lie

The revelation that the State of New Jersey registered 6,600 admitted non-citizens to vote prompted Gov. Mikie Sherrill (D) to blame it on a "software glitch." IDEMIA software is what the state uses to handle driver's licenses, vehicle titles & registrations. In the process of doing these tasks the customer is first asked whether he or she is a citizen. If the answer is yes, he or she is also offered the opportunity to register to vote. If the answer is no, he or she isn't supposed to be allowed to register to vote.

A spokesperson for IDEMIA insists that "sending a non-citizen on the path to registering to vote is not a software glitch. It was a human decision to bypass the software. The employees at the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission had no incentive to bypass the software. Someone higher up the chain of command had to have instructed the employees to register non-citizens to vote."

Despite acknowledging that 6,600 admitted non-citizens were registered to vote, no effort has yet been made to remove these illegal voters from the rolls. There is also the possibility that merely taking the customer's word on whether he or she is a citizen is not a foolproof safeguard. A customer may be mistaken or lying about whether he or she is a citizen. So, the number of non-citizens who might be casting ballots could be larger than the evasive Governor and her staff would like us to believe.

In related news, a partial audit of one million of the 2.2 million ballots cast in the New York City election for mayor in 2025 found that "7% of these voters were not on the voter rolls, 6% had fake Social Security numbers, and 10% didn't even live in NYC. This amounted to a verified 230,000 illegally cast ballots." Projecting the same percentages for the 2.2 million ballots suggests that more than 500,000 ballots were illegally cast. Since Mamdani's winning margin was only 207,000 ballots we cannot be certain that he legitimately won the election.