Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 19, 2026 Edition  (Read 74 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 19, 2026 Edition
« on: Today at 03:15:22 am »
Assemblyman Sponsors GTFO Act

Assemblyman Mark González (D-Los Angeles) is sponsoring legislation "to get the feds out of our state. ICE insists that our state's sanctuary laws do not supersede their authority to enforce federal immigration laws. My bill will bar ICE agents or Department of Homeland Security employees who work for Trump from holding any future public employment in California--not the state, not the counties, not the cities, not any other entity that gets funding from the public treasury. This would bar them from being employed in public transit, water districts, and food stores if we follow the lead of New York's Mayor Zohran Mamdani to establish more collectively-owned enterprises."

González said he sees this "as necessary to offset the desertion of long-time California residents trying to evade their collective responsibility to the needy. Under democratic socialism all of the wealth belongs to the state and is distributed based on need. Those who have more than they need must surrender their excess wealth for redistribution. I see that Canada is set to impose a $500,000 exit tax on high earners who want to leave their country. I believe this is the minimum that should be imposed on high earners who want to leave California."

Asked if his legislation might be unfair to federal employees who are just doing the jobs they were hired to do, González asserted that "ICE employees are kidnapping and murdering people. They say they are targeting the 'worst of the worst,' but none of these individuals have been convicted of the crimes they are accused of committing. Many judges have ruled that these individuals have the right to remain free in America until they have been found guilty by a jury and sentenced by a judge. Clearly, Trump's policies don't align with California values. His henchmen should be sent to prison. Barring them from future employment is more merciful than they have been with immigrants and the citizens who are fighting to prevent their deportation."

In related news, it has been reported that in California state-funded homeless shelters are providing sex change surgeries for illegal immigrants. An administrator for the Medi-Cal health program justified these expenditures, explaining that "getting these surgeries was the explicit reason why some of these individuals illegally entered the country. Considering all the hazards and suffering they have endured to make their journeys to our sanctuary state it's the least we could do to honor their courage and determination."

Pope Honors Martyrs of Three Faiths

This week, Pope Leo XIV visited Algeria's "Maqam Echahid" to "honor the sacrifices made by the Christians, Jews, and Muslims in 1962. All exhibited supreme devotion to their faiths. The Christians and Jews died for their faith. Many of the Muslims involved in slaying these non-Muslims also died in pursuit of their faith."

Leo explained that "our presence here at this monument pays tribute to this history of Algeria and to the very spirit of a people who fought for the independence, dignity and sovereignty of this nation. Many non-Muslims regard the massacre of persons of different faiths as an atrocity. However, this overlooks the fact that the faith of Islam instructs its believers to fight for Allah. Those non-Muslims who willingly convert are spared. Those who do not may justifiably be killed. This course of action is written down in Islam's sacred texts."

"The martyrdom of the Christians and Jews was also achieved in obedience to the sacred texts of their faiths," Leo pointed out. "Entry into heaven is granted by God to all who die for their faith. So, even while the massacre of men, women, and children may horrify our human sensibilities, the early entry into heaven merits our rejoicing for those who share our faith and forgiveness toward those whose pursuit of their faith helped deliver our people to the kingdom of God."

Prior to the 1962 massacre, a million Catholics and 140,000 Jews lived in Algeria. Now there are only 8,000 Catholics and 200 Jews living there. The Pope observed that "only a minority of the Catholics and Jews were killed. The vast majority of them moved elsewhere, ceding dominance of Algeria to the Muslims and restoring peace to the country."

Democrats Hope for Trump's Failure

Long time columnist for the New York Times Thomas Friedman publicly discussed his moral dilemma this week, saying "I really want to see Iran defeated militarily because this regime is a terrible regime for its people and the region. And nothing would improve the region more than the replacement of this regime with a regime that is focused on enabling its people to realize their full potential, and integrating peacefully with other countries, and stop occupying Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, and Yemen. So I'm all for that."

"On the other hand, I really don't want to see Bibi Netanyahu or Donald Trump politically strengthened by this war because they are two awful human beings. I really find myself torn. I want to see Iran militarily defeated, but I do not want to see these two terrible people strengthened."

Friedman's position is the "moderate" Democrat take on the war. The progressives are all-in for an Iranian victory. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has already proclaimed Trump's handling of Iran "Operation Epic Failure. It has worsened global instability, driven up gas prices, and escalated tensions in the Middle East. All the important media have chronicled his failure. Both the New York Times and the Washington Post have predicted failure. Congress must do whatever it takes to stop Trump from declaring victory."

However, it might already be too late. The negotiations that the Trump Administration is conducting with Iran seem to be going well. A recent Quinnipiac poll shows that support for Trump among Republicans increased from 72% to 81%. A poll from the Economist/YouGov shows Republican support for the president has risen to 84% with only 12% disapproval.

Schumer dismissed these poll results and asserted "support among Republican voters isn't what will determine whether Trump has succeeded. It is a long-established tradition that it is the TV news networks that declare whether a political figure is a winner or a loser. Is there any doubt in anyone's mind that CNN, NBC, ABC and the like will declare that Trump is the big loser in this war? This message will be hammered home every day between now and November. Voters will hear and see this and mark their ballots for Democrats. By this time next year I will be the Majority Leader of the Senate. Hakeem Jeffries will be the Speaker of the House. None of Trump's agenda will be passed. None of his nominees will be approved. He will be a lame duck until he leaves office at the end of his term or before if we can impeach and convict him before then. The Democratic President that takes office in January 2029 will work with Congress to undo everything Trump has done since January of 2025."

Long-time Democrat loon James Carville agreed with Schumer and said "I can't wait to see Trump suffer. I don't want him to die or be assassinated. I want him to be fully cognizant come November so I can watch him suffer when the majority of voters have rejected him and his program."

California Election Catastrophe Averted

This week, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) took action to avert a Democrat disaster in the state's gubernatorial election. Sitting Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) is term-limited. A crowd of candidates are running in the "jungle primary" where the top two finishers are paired against each other in the general election. Since last November polls have repeatedly shown that the top two candidates favored by the voters are both Republicans.

Pelosi said "when Eric Swalwell told me he was going to run for governor I advised him not to. We all knew he had been naughty, but Congress has a special fund to protect its members by buying off those who accuse them to decline to press charges. Eric asked that I give him a chance to prove he could win the race for governor. For a while things looked pretty good for his chances. He got almost all the key union endorsements and loads of money from big donors including China. Given all these advantages he still trailed behind the two Republicans. To have let this go on any longer risked having all of our Party's candidates lose in the primary."

"Clearly, we had to do something to prevent such a catastrophe," Pelosi explained. "I asked Eric to drop out and suggested he could frame it in such a way that would look like he was putting his role in Congress as the higher priority in this time of crisis with Trump acting like a warmongering dictator. Eric refused. I told him that the dirt being held back by the special fund could be released to the public. He said I wouldn't dare, that since I had helped put him in Congress I would also be dirtied in the process. I said 'Eric, I didn't rape anyone.' He foolishly replied 'neither did I.'"

"Well, as we have all seen, several women have come forward to accuse Mr. Swalwell of raping them," the former Speaker pointed out. "His donors withdrew their pledges. His endorsers are reconsidering who they want to back. He is facing possible criminal prosecution. He has 'suspended' his campaign for governor and is resigning from Congress to devote his energies to staying out of jail. That's the sad news for him. The good news for the Party is that Democrat Tom Steyer will be moving to the top of the polls. He has billions of dollars of his own money to spend and ensure he is a top-two finisher in the primary. There won't be two Republicans moving on to the general election. Registered Democrats outnumber Republicans by almost two to one. No Republican has won a statewide general election in 20 years. I have once again saved the day for our Party, the state, and the nation."