Author Topic: Today's Toons 3/30/26 (Read 457 times)

pookie18 · « **on:** **Today** at 06:43:49 am »

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter R:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Variety reports Robert DeNiro declined a major role in Batman Part II. His performances give me guardrails onstage. I never want to come off as insane like DeNiro in Taxi Driver, or delusional like DeNiro in the King of Comedy, or someone with Tourette's like DeNiro when he talks about Trump.

Politico warned that Democrats are so far left they may never get back to the center. Pundits all say that the Democratic Party is no longer the party of Jack Kennedy and Bill Clinton. So if the Democrats will go back to being the party of extramarital sex they'll appeal to the middle of the country.

The San Francisco Chronicle reported Friday that the SFPD and the LAPD are monitoring for drone threats due to recent reports about foreign actors. There's little we can do. The only defense Hollywood has against drones is the Oscars orchestra that plays them offstage after 30 seconds.

The Ayatollah Khamenei remained out of sight Wednesday but issued a warning to the United States of reprisal attacks on the US mainland. The FBI reported military plans by the Iranian military to attack California with drones. We do know that Iran is not above attacking its allies.

The Israeli Defense Forces killed two more major leaders in the Iranian regime, including the intelligence chief. That's 12 Iranian leaders assassinated by drone attacks so far. The guy who arranges Iran's Ruling Council meetings is starting to get desperate. They're running out of cardboard.

The House of Representatives passed a bill Wednesday that would automatically deport any illegal aliens convicted for committing welfare fraud. It'll never get through the Senate. Republicans call it a common sense measure while Democrats call it a direct slap in the face to the people of Somalia.

The South China Post reported Wednesday that North Korea's dictator Kim Jung Un was recently re-elected president of North Korea and he carried 99.93 % of the vote. Of course the story doesn't end there. In other news, North Korea's population just mysteriously decreased by .07%.

Next on Survivor, contestants will navigate The Straits of Hormuz for cash and prices.

The media was thrown for a loss of explanation today. A fire truck crashed into an airliner and Israel didn't do it.

Jack Hughes is demanding the Hockey Hall of Fame in Canada give him the puck from his Olympic gold winning shot. Both the U.S. Men and Women's Hockey teams won the gold. And they both won their championship games in sudden death or as they call it in Canada, Universal Health Care.

Saturday Night Live UK sketch comedy show premiered in England Saturday from the studios of Sky TV in London. The show had to work around one glitch. The cast were getting lots of laughs but at midnight they had to go off the air for 10 minutes for London’s fifth and final daily Call to Prayer.

The Homeland Security salary shutdown prompted President Trump to send Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents to help assist TSA agents in airport security. On Monday ICE agents were stationed at all the major airports. In a startling coincidence, all the airport Taco Bells just closed.

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries expressed bitter opposition to ICE agents helping out TSA at airports. He warned that ICE would confront airline passengers in line and kill them. So, according to Democrats, if you don’t want to get shot, please have your boarding pass and your ID ready.

Senator Markwayne Mullin, a wealthy Cherokee and undefeated MMA champ, was confirmed head of Homeland Security. Wish he was in office a month ago. Many Indian tribes settled their wars with one-on-one combat and Markwayne could've defeated Iran in the Octagon in only 2 minutes, saving us billions.

The obliteration of Iran's defenses has had its desired effect. Greenland just came out with its hands up.

MLB season begins Thursday. Trump misheard it when told he will get to throw out the First Pitch, He thought he was deporting Joy Behar.

Jane Fonda complained about Barbra Streisand being selected for the Robert Redford Oscars salute and not her. Streisand is the only one in Hollywood to the left of Jane. This morning on her walk, Barbra called the Bel Air Patrol on three neighbors for watching Fox News with the window open.

The GOP Save America bill is drawing ferocious Democratic opposition for banning gender reassignment surgery for kids. In Iran, gender reassignment surgery is legal and supported by the Iranian ruling regime. The surgery center is on the 31st floor just through the window by the elevator.

Bruce Springsteen will join Joan Baez, Jane Fonda and Bernie Sanders at a No Kings rally in St Paul Saturday, on condition that they are done by 3:00 p.m. and they get a pudding cup.

Iran fired a missile at Washington DC today. But the missile gave up after waiting 4 hours in the TSA line at LaGuardia to catch connecting flight to Reagan National.

President Trump confirmed The CIA told him that the new Ayatollah of Iran is gay. That explains how his face got disfigured and lost a leg. He threw himself off a tall building.

Airline travelers today are shocked to realize that ICE agents are actually pretty friendly people when nobody is trying to kill them with an SUV.

-- Argus Hamilton

(Thank you, Vulcan)