SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 1, 2026 Edition
Dems Reject Primary Duty to Protect Citizens
In his state of the union speech, President Trump asked members of Congress to stand to show their support for the concept that "the first duty of the American government is to protect American citizens." While the Republican contingent had no qualms about acknowledging this responsibility, not a single Democrat did.
In the Democratic response delivered by Gov. Abigail Spanberger (D-Va), she pointed out that "American citizens are among the wealthiest in the world. They are capable of protecting themselves. There are billions of folks in other countries who need America's help. Former President Biden invited tens of millions of these wretched foreigners to come to this country to receive the benefits we can easily afford to provide. In my own state I have proposed raising taxes on luxuries that most Americans don't really need like haircuts, gym memberships, dog grooming, dry cleaning, vehicle repair, travel, entertainment, and guns, among other things. Those who insist on having these things should pay the extra taxes needed to raise revenue that the government can use to subsidize those unable or unwilling to work for them."
Sen. Ruben Gallego (D-Az) asserted "I reject the idea that citizens deserve more than non-citizens. As a senator I feel I have an obligation to humanity to spread the wealth more evenly. Americans who have more than they need must be compelled to pay more taxes so those less well off can enjoy the same sort of comfort that those who are able to work to support themselves do. Ideally, the nation's wealth should be distributed based on need and the work required to produce this wealth should be assigned based on each person's ability."
Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) took exception to Trump's pledge to crackdown on Somali corruption in her state, saying "Somalis didn't invent the idea of taking advantage of lax government oversight of expenditures. My Somali constituents complied with the rules that allowed them to accept payments based on the number of clients they signed up for daycare. The rules didn't require actual attendance or services to be rendered. How can my people now be blamed for following those rules?"
Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-Ore) said "Trump's demand that voters be required to show a valid ID before being given a ballot is an attempt to rig the midterm elections. In a democracy the ballot is supposed to be secret. Insisting that every voter show ID violates the secrecy of the ballot. This will allow Trump's authoritarian government to track down and punish those who don't vote the way he wants them to." Merkley brushed off the risk of fraudulent votes, saying "I view that as the lesser evil. Individuals who make the effort to cast more than one ballot obviously care more about the future of this country than those who are satisfied with casting just a single ballot."
Oregon Legislature Blocks Fed Tax Cuts for Its Residents
The Republicans' "Big Beautiful Bill" (BBB) enacted last year cut the nationwide federal tax burden by billions of dollars. In Oregon that amounted to more than $300 million in cuts. Rep. Nancy Nathanson (D-Eugene) introduced state legislation to convert the federal cuts into state tax increases, saying "enriching taxpayers is not a high priority for us in Oregon. Folks who previously paid higher taxes to the feds can afford to keep paying those higher taxes to the state government."
The Representative dismissed the intent of the BBB to stimulate business investment as "not as important as funding increased budgets for our schools, colleges, and universities. Investing in education has a bigger return on investment than any other use for this money."
Rep. Bobby Levy (R-Echo) called Nathanson's legislation "a blow to small businesses in this state. Oregon is already a high-tax state. These high taxes stunt economic growth and punish those who work for a living. Meanwhile, the return on investment in education has been dropping. More college graduates are finding that what they learned has diminishing value in today's economy. We need more skilled technicians and fewer liberal arts graduates. The investment incentives of the BBB shouldn't be shoved aside."
Gov. Tina Kotek (D) is expected to sign the legislation. However, Republicans are vowing to launch a referendum to allow voters to have a direct say on the issue. Rep. Ed Diehl (R-Stayton) said "Nathanson's bill is not technical reform. It is a massive tax hike that removes tools families and employers rely on to afford vehicles, grow businesses, and create jobs. I don't think Oregonians want any more taxes. Let's give them a say in November's elections."
Gov Objects to Feds Withholding Medicaid Money
Gov. Tim Walz (D-Minn) objected to Vice President JD Vance's decision to temporarily halt federal Medicade subsidies to his state pending further investigation of the Walz Administration misuse of public funds, saying "doesn't this fool realize that we've already distributed the federal money to unqualified recipients? We need more federal money in order to take care of the folks that should've been taken care of by the money we misused. The Republicans are only hurting these needy folks."
Vance pointed out that "dozens of Minnesota state employees have blamed Gov. Walz for enabling or ignoring the misuse of those funds. How can we justify putting more of the taxpayers' money into his hands? The people responsible for the fraudulent misappropriation of the previous federal aid must be held accountable."
Walz insisted that "I've already accepted blame and agreed to never run for public office again. What more do they want? Innocent customers of Medicaid shouldn't have to suffer for my mistakes."
Vance replied that "Gov. Walz has not stepped down from the position he held while the fraud was being perpetrated. As long as he holds that power how can we be sure that effective corrective steps will be taken?"
State Rep. Drew Roach (R-District 58B) asserted that "we can't be sure that any effective action can be counted on from Gov Walz. That's why we are filing articles of impeachment for him and the state's highest law-enforcement officer Attorney General Keith Ellison. These men are incompetent or they are complicit in the loss of huge amounts of money intended to help the poor obtain medical care."
In other Minnesota news, two ICE agents rescued a four-year-old boy from drowning after he jumped into a pool to retrieve a toy. The boy was not breathing and had to be revived by CPR. Gov. Walz expressed relief that "in this instance ICE did some good. But I don't want folks to think that, on balance, it makes ICE's presence in our state a good thing. Sure, one dumb kid was saved, but ICE also shot two valuable progressive protesters to death. So, I still say we're worse off than if ICE had never come here."
Republicans Divided Over Saving the SAVE Act
Everyone knows Democrats cheat in elections. Many illegal immigrants say "President Biden invited us to come to America. When we did he took care of us. He gave us places to live, food, cell phones, all the good things that are available to people in America. They offer to register us to vote when we get a driver's license. They help us get absentee ballots. They even fill out the ballots for us. We would be ungrateful if we didn't cast these votes for them."
Leading Democrats, like Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer, oppose the Safeguard American Voter Eligibility (SAVE) Act and concoct absurd arguments contending that "so many people aren't able to obtain voter IDs." Minorities are presumably not smart enough to visit the Department of Motor Vehicles to get licenses for their IDs and be registered to vote like illegal migrants can. Women who changed their names when they got married and have been voting for years using their driver's license with their new names as their ID will presumably be disenfranchised.
Large majorities of Americans, 75% to 85% favor requiring voter IDs to ensure that their votes aren't canceled out by ballots cast by persons ineligible to vote, like non-citizens, or ballots cast in the names of person no longer living, or persons who never really existed. President Trump and a majority of Republicans want to prevent bogus votes from being cast. However, some Republicans aren't convinced we need the SAVE Act to keep elections from being stolen.
Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-SD) says "we can't use the strategy of requiring Democrats who want to filibuster the SAVE Act to actually talk until they've exhausted their available time and then vote on the Act because we have other important business to conduct."
One of these other important businesses was the annual Senate parade of pet dogs hosted by Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC). Now that this parade has been conducted, surely we can proceed to the talking filibuster option. "Not so fast," says Thune. "I ask every Senator to consider the fact that every one of them was elected to the office they now hold without having the protections provided by the SAVE Act. Are they all so sure that an election untainted by fraudulent votes would result in them retaining their current seats? Do they want to gamble that a fair election is in their best interest?"
Newsom Makes Pitch to Black Voters
During an interview with Atlanta Mayor Andre Dickens, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) told the Black mayor and mostly Black audience "I'm like you. I can't read. I'm a 960 SAT guy--you know, the kind of guy who's a 'C' student on his good days. I'd be the perfect president to represent your interests. I wish I was Black so you'd believe me."
Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) took offense, saying "You're not like us. Black folks have built empires, created movements, outworked, out-hustled and outsmarted people like you. Stop using your mediocre academics as a way to patronize us."
Newsom defended his remarks and hit back at Scott for "bullying a guy with a learning disability. If you had any guts you'd be fighting for your people as hard as I am. You won't even oppose the SAVE Act under the mistaken notion that folks who can't read are capable of getting a proper voter ID. That's BS. I can't even read my own book. If I didn't have aides I couldn't have written it or gotten a proper voter ID. Not every Black has the resources to overcome the hurdle that Republicans are trying to create for minorities, women, and undocumented immigrants."
NYC Mayor Explains ID Requirements to Shovel Snow
New York City's democratic-socialist Mayor Zohran Mamdani explained why he requires two forms of IDs to shovel snow, but opposes IDs for casting a ballot.
"Casting a ballot is a human right that should not be infringed by requiring the voter to prove his or her identity," the Mayor said. "It would be like requiring an ID to be allowed to breathe. In contrast, shoveling snow is a job that pays $30 per hour of labor. It would be fiscally irresponsible for me to spend public money without knowing who I am paying to do the work."
"Republicans say that without requiring IDs to vote people who are ineligible could still cast ballots," Mamdani said. "I say how can any person be ineligible to vote as many times as he or she pleases? The whole 'one-man-one-vote' restriction doesn't allow highly-motivated voters to demonstrate the passion of their commitment to a candidate or cause by casting a quantity of ballots they deem commensurate with the importance of ensuring that the election results come out the right way."
In related news, both Mayor Mamdani and Rep. Alexandria Casio Cortez (D-NY) are encouraging illegal immigrants to register for free child care. "These are the types of benefits President Biden promised them when he invited them to come into our country," she said. "It would be tragic if they fail to take what was promised to them." Mamdani is demanding that Gov Hochul fund these benefits "because these immigrants' need is the only justification required for compelling the able to pay for them."
Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 1, 2026 Edition (Read 69 times)
