Dear New Yorkers: Texas Will Break You
By Brandon Morse June 26, 2025
Hey New Yorkers. I heard you're probably going to get an outright communist as your mayor. Zohran Mamdani sounds like a real peach, and the fact that he won the Democrat Primary and is well on his way to the mayor's office has made many of you fire up your Zillow account and start looking for homes out of state.
I don't blame you, but let me offer you some advice. You're probably going to be tempted to come to Texas because so many companies have moved here, and you feel like you could easily land a job. I could see why you'd think that, but let me tell you about Texas.
You really don't want to move here. Texas is like Hell, only worse, because the living conditions here are so chaotic and difficult that the devil himself thinks it's a bit much.
Let's start with the weather. People joke about how hot it is in Texas, but hot doesn't fully describe what happens here. Texas isn't just hot; the air is the essence of heat. When you walk outside, you have .02 seconds before you start sweating, even if you're in the shade. The humidity is so thick that you don't just walk through the heat, you swim through it.
And that's during the fall.
You want to know why so much research on the sun is conducted here in Texas? It's because it's a 30-minute commute from here to the ball of fire baking the landscape so hard that I could cook an entire brisket in the pit and never fire up the grill. I could just close the lid and walk away, and when I come back the next day, I'll have a perfectly cooked hunk of meat.
Oh, and don't get me started on our winters, which go between being fall's challenged cousin and the realm of Glaciarch, Lord of the Ice Liches. For a few days, his icy spell of frost and woe covers Texas, destroying water pipes, making roadways undrivable, and making leftists squawk incessantly about climate change.
Spring must be good, though, yeah?
No.
Once Glaciarch, Lord of the Ice Liches and King of the Hwy 45 Shutdown, returns to his slumber, the onslaught of pollen begins. Keep in mind, we're not into spring yet. It's still winter, but the pollen has already begun, because Texas is home to a breed of mountain cedar whose solitary purpose is to make you feel like you're gonna die, and trust me, you're going to want to give it what it wants. Cedar pollen in Texas is so noxious that it should be banned by the Geneva Convention for being a biological weapon.
Then, as we move on into spring, the other plants start joining the chorus, including oak and ragweed, and I hope your life insurance and will are up-to-date, because people get lung infections from all this stuff, and hospitals are filled with the ghosts of people who died from the excessive release of horny trees. Don't think being inside will help you escape it. The pollen clings to your hair and clothes, gets into your couches and carpets, your pets will store it in their fur, and you will spend the GDP of small European countries on air filters and purifiers trying to make sure Groot doesn't become a squatter in your home.
Oh, and let's talk about the wildlife.
Have you ever seen a rattlesnake, a water moccasin, or a copperhead? You better hope you see one, because if you don't, you're going to put your foot down in the wrong place and suddenly find yourself in the big two-step in the sky.
Ever seen Mad Max? That happens here in Texas, only the raiders are packs of wild boars that will, from time to time, create super packs that storm land and decimate everything in their way, including you. This is a true story: My great-grandmother's land was raided by a super pack, and they had shot so many defending the ranch that they ran out of ammo, and were using the butts of their rifles while on top of cars to fend off these pigs like it was the damn Alamo.
Luckily, the mosquitoes weren't too bad that day, because they're so big they'll carry you off if there are enough of them around. Do you hear what I'm saying? Our mosquitoes are so big they've got bones. They'll suck so much of your blood out of you that they can legally be considered blood relatives and file as dependents. But don't worry, if they won't get you, our chihuahua-sized fire ants will.
https://redstate.com/brandon_morse/2025/06/26/dear-new-yorkers-dont-move-to-the-state-of-horror-and-pain-that-is-texas-n2190933
