Actual or not, these will make you laugh. I got them from a friend fifteen years ago, and just reopened the document.
Actual Student GCSE Answers
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculpted people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his
death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10.Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing
the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,
aexample of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people
died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to
pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up
in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half
>Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
