Humor/Jokes

[corbe]

[240B]

[corbe]

[corbe]

[corbe]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

[Kamaji]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Granted!

[corbe]

Woman Who’s Good At Driving Wondering If She Might Be Transgender

October 27th, 2021 - BabylonBee.com



AMERICAN FORK, UT—Kyrsten Fribsey, a local mom and recovering shiplap addict, reportedly began wondering if she might be transgender after she drove around town to run errands without incident.

Suspicions that she may actually be a man trapped in a woman’s body began to well up inside her after she parked her minivan at Target without having to leave a note on the windshield of the vehicle next to her.

Later, according to sources, she parallel-parked perfectly the very first time, without even scuffing her car wheels on the curb. “Am I a misgendered man?” wondered Mrs. Fribsey as she changed lanes on the interstate without checking her blindspot the usual 17 times.

<..snip..>

https://babylonbee.com/news/woman-whos-good-at-driving-wondering-if-she-might-be-transgender

[art.prout]

Purebloods Rule!

[art.prout]

Don't think so @corbe
Members Only does not mean we relax this rule:

Prohibited:

Pornographic or sexually inappropriate & suggestive content in the form of memes, graphics or videos. Including, but not limited to full or partial frontal or rear nudity, genitalia, bare female breasts, nipples, etc.

Who writes that silliness?

[Cyber Liberty]

Who writes that silliness?

Don't look at me, @art.prout!

[art.prout]

Don't look at me, @art.prout!

 

[rustynail]

"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are two dollars and Deer nuts are under a buck"

[Cyber Liberty]

[corbe]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

[Kamaji]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

[Hoodat]

@corbe ,  That was outstanding.  It took me ten minutes to stop laughing long enough to tell my wife.  She didn't have the same response as me, but my son did when I told him.

[art.prout]

Have you heard about the new Italian snow tires?

Dago wop-wop-wop...


 

[art.prout]

How can you tell the "Lace Irish" from the others?

They move the dishes from the sink before they pee....


 

[corbe]

@roamer_1 Chili . . .

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young Cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,
"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[roamer_1]

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

That's right.

Thanks @corbe ... I needed the giggle. 

[berdie]

That made me lol.  While at the same time going "ewwww"!

[corbe]

   For your enjoyment @Texas Robin

Three men died on Christmas Eve, and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,
You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets, and pulled out a lighter - he flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys and shook them. "They're bells" said the man.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets, and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with raised eyebrow and asked "and just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

[libertybele]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."   

[sneakypete]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

@libertybele

LOL! That's the sort of stoopid thing I would say without even thinking.

[libertybele]

@libertybele

LOL! That's the sort of stoopid thing I would say without even thinking.

I thought it was hilarious -- so simply down right funny!

[rustynail]

"It's not that hard to tell the difference between an Alligator and a Crocodile. One you'll see in a while and the other you'll see later."

[Kamaji]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."   

[Hoodat]

Hitler is trapped in his toilet

[rustynail]

'They' said  ... "Cheer up, things could be worse." So we cheered up and sure enough things got worse.

[DCPatriot]

[sneakypete]

Biden.

Too obvious?

[Cyber Liberty]

Biden.

Too obvious?

A joke in poor taste.....

[libertybele]

 

[DCPatriot]

[Kamaji]

It's wise to remember how easy...

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had handwritten her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

[Kamaji]

Beans

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."

[rustynail]

Friends- please wear those masks. They saved the life of a friend last night.  He was out with his girlfriend and his wife didn’t recognize him!!!

[Kamaji]

Speaking of the Future :

Google's pizza
- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizzawith cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ...
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE HELL?
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago. ...!!!

[DCPatriot]

75 years, actually    

[corbe]

   The Cat Union has a strong Lobby.

[240B]

Men treat women as sex objects
Women treat sex objects as men

[corbe]

[Kamaji]

[Kamaji]

[Kamaji]

No sh*t, Sherlock!

[Smokin Joe]

No sh*t, Sherlock!

I bet the kiddies did what they were told, though...

[Kamaji]

[corbe]

THE TRAFFIC LIGHT

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no
on-coming traffic.

Suddenly, a carload of loud, bearded young Muslim men, shouting anti-American slogans, pulled up next to me. There was a half-burned American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and "We Love 9-11" spray-painted on the side.

They gestured wildly at me, and started yelling, "Allah Akbar! Death to America!" and took off across the intersection, not waiting for the light to change. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car, stunned, thinking to myself, "Oh, man... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

[Kamaji]

THE TRAFFIC LIGHT

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no
on-coming traffic.

Suddenly, a carload of loud, bearded young Muslim men, shouting anti-American slogans, pulled up next to me. There was a half-burned American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and "We Love 9-11" spray-painted on the side.

They gestured wildly at me, and started yelling, "Allah Akbar! Death to America!" and took off across the intersection, not waiting for the light to change. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car, stunned, thinking to myself, "Oh, man... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

[Hoodat]

THE TRAFFIC LIGHT

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no
on-coming traffic.

Suddenly, a carload of loud, bearded young Muslim men, shouting anti-American slogans, pulled up next to me. There was a half-burned American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and "We Love 9-11" spray-painted on the side.

They gestured wildly at me, and started yelling, "Allah Akbar! Death to America!" and took off across the intersection, not waiting for the light to change. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car, stunned, thinking to myself, "Oh, man... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

That was AWESOME!