The Official TBR Silliness Thread---2019

[240B]

[corbe]

[corbe]

[Right_in_Virginia]

[corbe]

[DCPatriot]

[corbe]

[kevindavis007]

You are a Dinophobe!

[DCPatriot]

[Right_in_Virginia]

[EasyAce]

From the You Can't Make This Stuff Up files . . .

A vegan woman sued her neighbors for barbecuing in their backyard: 'It's deliberate'

A vegan woman has filed a suit against her neighbors in the Australian supreme court after complaining about the smell of meat and fish emanating from their barbecues . . .

[corbe]

                 Damn Vacuum Cleaner won't start.

[corbe]

The Spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

‘If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

‘Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to washour hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use my spoon.'

[Hoodat]

That was awesome, Corbe.

[corbe]

[corbe]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking Continental” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“Continental ?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.”

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

"Oh, really! What'd he say?”

He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?

[EasyAce]

                 Damn Vacuum Cleaner won't start.

[jmyrlefuller]

What happens when you put cats in zero gravity:


Error 404 (Not Found)!!1

[GrouchoTex]

That’s great,

[GrouchoTex]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking Continental” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“Continental ?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.”

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

"Oh, really! What'd he say?”

He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?

 

Brilliant, reminds me of an old joke where the person says “remarkable”, instead of saying “B.S”.

[Right_in_Virginia]

[PeteS in CA]

https://babylonbee.com/news/hobby-lobby-unveils-husband-daycare

Husband Daycare Now Available At All Hobby Lobby Locations

U.S.—In a move to help oppressed husbands who are forced to walk around the craft store in a daze for hours as they lose all sense of time and space, Hobby Lobby has unveiled its new husband daycares at all of its U.S. stores.

At the beginning of a woman's shopping trip to Hobby Lobby, she can check her husband into the daycare for up to three hours, as long as he's trained to put the toilet seat back down. She also has to sign a waiver that she's responsible for any spills or messes he makes, though most of the women are already used to that anyway.

The patented Hobby Lobby Husband Daycare is fully stocked with beer, pizza, video games, televisions, and even an old car to work on with a provided set of tools ...

Yep.

[PeteS in CA]

https://babylonbee.com/news/californian-arrested-for-concealed-carrying-bible-without-permit

Californian Arrested For Concealed Carrying Bible Without Permit

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Local San Francsico resident Matthew Pearson was arrested Wednesday morning for concealed carrying a Bible without the proper state permits, sources at the San Francisco Police Department confirmed.

California law prohibits residents from carrying any written material that contradicts far-left progressive agendas without a difficult-to-obtain permit from the state. Hurdles applicants need to clear include extensive eisegesis training in which they learn how to read progressive values into the text, and safe dismantling of texts that disagree with the left’s worldview. A 10-day waiting period is also required for purchases of easily concealed and transported pocket Bibles.

Wonder when they'll catch his brothers, John, Mark, and Luke.

[sneakypete]

https://babylonbee.com/news/hobby-lobby-unveils-husband-daycare

Husband Daycare Now Available At All Hobby Lobby Locations
U.S.—In a move to help oppressed husbands who are forced to walk around the craft store in a daze for hours as they lose all sense of time and space, Hobby Lobby has unveiled its new husband daycares at all of its U.S. stores.

At the beginning of a woman's shopping trip to Hobby Lobby, she can check her husband into the daycare for up to three hours, as long as he's trained to put the toilet seat back down. She also has to sign a waiver that she's responsible for any spills or messes he makes, though most of the women are already used to that anyway.

The patented Hobby Lobby Husband Daycare is fully stocked with beer, pizza, video games, televisions, and even an old car to work on with a provided set of tools ...

@PeteS in CA

I wanna buy stock in that place.

[corbe]

[corbe]

[Gefn]

Bambi!

[jmyrlefuller]

Seen on an Internet meme:

‘‘Believe in yourself. Even if no one else will.’’ —Sasquatch

[Gefn]

Seen on an Internet meme:

‘‘Believe in yourself. Even if no one else will.’’ —Sasquatch

I love this.

[PeteS in CA]

https://babylonbee.com/news/wear-church-handy-guide-denomination

What Should You Wear To Church? A Handy Guide For Each Denomination

Whether you’re visiting your parents’ stuffy old Baptist church or piling into the family minivan because the kids are begging to ride the roller coaster at the sleek new megachurch down the street, the age-old question persists: what should you wear?

Wonder no longer, good and faithful servant. We sent a team of Babylon Bee agents to over two thousand churches, big and small, new and old, all across the land to research customs, dress codes, fashion do’s and fashion don’ts. This exhaustively researched article is the result, and it’s absolutely packed with helpful fashion tips.
...
Baptist—When you hit the local Baptist church, dust off your best polo shirt and slacks, like Jesus wore. Women should be sure to wear long enough skirts, lest they should cause a brother to stumble by flashing too much ankle.

Calvary Chapel—God is worthy of our Sunday best, so make sure you pick out your finest sandals, shorts, and Hawaiian print shirt when you show your face at one of your city’s fifty-eight Calvary Chapel churches. The hardcore believers will be touting a copy of Left Behind or The Late Great Planet Earth tucked beneath their arm.
...
Non-Denominational Megachurch—Whatever you woke up in. If it’s good enough to party in late Saturday night and crash on your couch in, it’s good enough for God. If you overdress by wearing a shirt that doesn’t show some skin or a low-key, modest outfit, you’ll stick out like a sore thumb!

Pentecostal—Go with something loose and flowing—anything good for waving your arms around in or flopping around like Magikarp. Secret pockets and compartments you can use to stow a tambourine or dancing ribbon are useful.

[PeteS in CA]

Seen on an Internet meme:

‘‘Believe in yourself. Even if no one else will.’’ —Sasquatch

He organizes trail runs, too, http://www.sasquatchracing.com/ .

[Right_in_Virginia]

[Gefn]

 

[Right_in_Virginia]

[Right_in_Virginia]

[sneakypete]

@Right_in_Virginia

The evil bastids! What idea will they steal from the west next?

[Right_in_Virginia]

@Right_in_Virginia

The evil bastids! What idea will they steal from the west next?

     @sneakypete

[corbe]

[corbe]

[sneakypete]

@corbe

I gotta admit,I laughed out loud at that one.

IF it is real,it would be the perfect Christmas gift to relatives that live in Fla.

[sneakypete]

@corbe

Probably be a kinder and gentler death. Robots don't hold grudges to the point where they lose their freaking minds.

[Right_in_Virginia]

[Right_in_Virginia]

[corbe]

[EasyAce]

Found around the web . . .

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

[corbe]

[corbe]

[corbe]

[Cyber Liberty]

If somebody finds the easier way, I'm going to arrange an ass-kicking party for him.  Like the guy who invented a bra that doesn't jiggle in the slightest.

[corbe]