Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 31, 2023 Edition  (Read 847 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 31, 2023 Edition
« on: December 30, 2023, 06:53:51 am »
Trump Thrown Off Maine Ballot

Maine's Secretary of State Shenna Bellows (D) ruled that former president Donald Trump cannot appear on the Maine primary election ballot this March. She cited Section 3 of the US Constitution's 14th Amendment as the justification for her decision. This amendment was ratified in 1868. In part, it sought to punish the leaders of the Confederate States of America for starting the insurrection that became the 1861-1865 Civil War in which 700,000 Americans died by barring them from ever holding public office again.

"I do not reach this conclusion lightly," Bellows said. "I am mindful that no Secretary of State has ever deprived a presidential candidate of ballot access. Democracy is sacred. I'm doing my utmost to protect it."

Trump campaign spokesperson Steven Cheung said "we are witnessing, in real-time, the attempted theft of an an upcoming election and the disenfranchisement of the American voter. These partisan election interference efforts are a hostile assault on American democracy."

Sen. Susan Collins (R-Me) also opposed Bellows' action, saying that "Maine voters should decide who wins the election — not a Secretary of State chosen by the Legislature," Collins said.

State Rep. John Andrews (R-Paris) wants to impeach Bellows. "President Trump has not been convicted of insurrection," he pointed out. "Trump hasn't even been charged with insurrection. None of those arrested, tried, convicted and imprisoned for their actions in the January 6, 2021 disturbance at the Capitol have been charged with insurrection."

Bellows defended her unilateral disqualification of Trump, saying "Germany allowed Hitler to stay on the ballot even though he was convicted of treason in 1924 for leading an unsuccessful insurrection. He became the country's president and set the nation on course for the atrocities of World War II. I'm taking the unprecedented action to do what others have been afraid to do to save our democracy before American voters make the same mistake that German voters made in the 1930s by electing Hitler."

In related news, President Biden is well on his way to setting a record for vacation days taken by a president. So far he has spent 39% of his term on vacation. Even if he doesn't take another vacation day until his mandatory retirement in January 2029 he will still eclipse the previous record of 11% shared jointly by Presidents Reagan and Obama. In contrast, workaholic President Jimmy Carter was on vacation only 5% of his time in office.

Prosecutor Wants to Stifle Trump's Defense

Special Counsel Jack Smith asked the court to prevent former President Donald Trump from mounting a defense against the charges stemming from the January 6, 2021 insurrection.

Smith asserted that "the claim that Trump has been singled out for retribution by the Biden Administration has already been debunked by the nation's leading media outlets. His claim that the multiple simultaneous prosecutions in various jurisdictions is intended to interfere with the 2024 election is without merit. He should be barred from introducing evidence, making arguments, or asking questions to advance the theory that he is innocent of the charges against him. Clearly, it is his current unwarranted attempt to unseat President Biden that constitutes the only real election interference taking place."

Trump's lawyers wanted to know "what kind of trial bars the defendant from introducing his own evidence or arguing his innocence? Why should the prosecution's selective presentation of evidence be the only thing the jury sees? There are exonerating videos and documents that Mr. Smith is withholding. There are witnesses that he will not call. There are alternative interpretations of events that he will not make. It is a defendant's legal and constitutional right to provide a case for innocence."

Smith answered these questions by saying "we need an efficient trial that is not delayed or prolonged by allowing unnecessary irrelevancies to intrude. The facts are indisputable. Trump instigated the Capitol insurrection by falsely contending that the election was fraudulent after numerous courts had rejected this contention prior to January 6. There is no doubt that he is guilty. The only matter for the jury to decide is how severe the punishment must be to deter the enemies of democracy from challenging future elections."

Biden Stronger than Folks Realize

Democrat strategist Simon Rosenberg predicts that President Biden will win reelection despite polls showing Trump ahead for the 2024 presidential election.

"First, Biden kept his 2020 campaign promises," he said. "By compelling everyone who had a job to get a COVID shot he ended the pandemic. Bidenomics has restored the economy. Money that would've been wasted by private citizens selfishly spending on themselves has been diverted to exciting new green technologies like wind farms and electric cars at the same time that billions have been invested in Ukraine's war with Russia."

"Second, the Democratic Party has won the popular vote in seven of the last eight presidential elections," Rosenberg continued. "President Biden's boast that 'we have put together the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics' enabled him to win more votes than any previous candidate for president. The Republicans have done nothing to imitate or counter this decisive strategy for winning elections."

"Third, Democrats have successfully labeled Trump and his MAGA supporters as enemies of democracy," Rosenberg concluded. "Virtually every major media source reiterates this label at every opportunity. The federal intelligence community stands ready to continue its previously successful activities to censor dissenting views by intimidating social media platforms into blocking negative posts about President Biden and positive posts about Trump."

In related news, a poll conducted by DailyMail.com found that 30% of Generation Z voters in the US think that Osama bin Laden, the mastermind behind the 9-11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon that killed nearly 3,000 people, was a "force for good." Biden's campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodríguez predicted that "90% or more of these youngsters will vote Democrat in the 2024 elections."

In further related news, despite being the recipient of multiple COVID shots and boosters, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) has come down with COVID again. As expected, the Senator blames his infection on the people who refused to be vaccinated. "We will never exterminate this disease until everyone has been vaccinated," he insisted. "If I were president, I would order heath care workers to go door-to-door and forcibly inject everyone who resists taking the shot. Only then would we be safe from continuing to be reinfected with this disease."

DOJ to Sue Texas for Enforcing Law

Texas has a new law that allows for the prosecution and deportation of migrants illegally entering the US from Mexico. The Department of Justice (DOJ) warned Gov. Greg Abbott (R-Tx) that it will sue if he tries to enforce this law.

Principal Deputy Assistant Attorney General Brian Boynton rejected Abbott's contention that he is filling a vacuum left by the DOJ's refusal to enforce the federal law against this illegal entry into the country, saying "immigration is a federal issue. We will decide whether or not to enforce our law. Right now, it is the Administration's policy to allow anyone who wants to come to the US to enter illegally. The actions contemplated by Abbott amount to treason against federal authority. He risks being the next man up in Special Prosecutor Jack Smith's quest to punish all disobedience of the Administration's policies."

Abbott pointed out that "the massive flow of illegal immigrants into the US threatens the health and safety of our citizens. Diseases thought to have been extinct like polio and leprosy are being imported with these immigrants, as are criminals and dangerous drugs like fentanyl. Article IV of the US Constitution obligates the federal government to protect the states from invasion. Since the current federal government refuses to fulfill this obligation it would be irresponsible for state governments to not take action to protect our citizens."

Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas called Abbott's attitude "inhumane. These migrants are fleeing poverty, crime, and disease. President Biden expressly invited them and promised to provide for them. This includes sustenance, housing, heath care, and education. Compared to where they came from we have more of these benefits than we need. It is our moral obligation to share our good fortune with the less fortunate. For example, the 470,000 Venezuelans to whom the President has granted illegal admission into the US has enable Venezuela to reduce its homicides by more than 3,500 in the past year alone."

Rep. Debbie Dingell (D-Mi) was less enthusiastic than Mayorkas. "Too many of the individuals we are letting walk into our country are violent criminals," she said. "The federal government is neglecting its responsibility to protect its citizens from these criminals. This is also inhumane."

In related news, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Ca) is offering free health care to every illegal immigrant in California. "Our state has been losing population over the last few years," he said. "This threatens our status as the largest electoral college prize in presidential elections. By having taxpayers pick up the tab for millions more indigent immigrants we can regain the state's election clout and boost my chances for being elected president in the not too distant future."

Ohio Gov Vetoes Trans Bill

Gov. Mike DeWine (R-Oh) vetoed a bill that would have (1) limited minors access to sex change drugs and surgery and (2) barred males who identify as females from participating in women's and girls' sports. The Governor called his decision "gut-wrenching. I've spoken to families that have changed the sex of their children. Some were helped and some were hurt. With such varied results I don't think the government should intrude into what should be a private decision by the child's parents and doctors."

State Rep. Gary Click (R-Vickery) said "calling these procedures 'sex changes' is a fraud. No one's sex is changed by surgery or drugs. Children's bodies are being irreversibly mutilated to give a superficial appearance of the opposite sex. They will never be able to have children of their own and are likely to have life long health problems. Parents who subject their children to these fraudulent procedures are guilty of child abuse. Neither the parents nor the doctors will be the ones who suffer from the worst consequences of this fraud."

DeWine argued that "it was pointed out to me that initiating the sex change prior to puberty was essential for achieving the best outcome. Forcing children to wait until they are adults would likely lead to the type of grotesque outcome seen in assistant secretary for health Rachel Levine. Levine was an adult before making the transition to female. She would have been much more attractive today if her parents had made the decision to transition her when she was a young boy."

Former competitive swimmer Riley Gaines also criticized DeWine's veto, saying that "it unfairly allows males to continue to invade women's and girls' sports and locker rooms. Saying you identify as female doesn't make you a female. Fully intact grown men like Lia Thomas should not be allowed to push aside genuine females, take their roster spots, and championships. If these men really think they want to be like women the least they could do is have their 'junk' removed before they're allowed to compete with real women."