Drag Queen Ploy Fails Navy
US Navy recruitment has fallen nearly 20% below its target for the recently completed federal fiscal year. Acting Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Lisa Franchetti blamed "the declining quality of our country's youth. Nearly 80% of them are too fat, sickly, mentally deranged, or on drugs. Our 'Future Sailor Preparatory Course' to try to whip them into shape hasn't had much impact."
"Neither has our outreach to the LGBTQ community," she added. "Historically, the seagoing men of the world have had a proud tradition of homosexuality. Our effort to tap into this by letting our youth know that the Navy will not only refrain from condemning this, but embrace it as a feature of a modern fighting force doesn't seem to have worked. Worse, our drag queen spokesperson has set a bad example by publicly criticizing the Navy and misusing his uniform for personal gain."
"Our thinking at this point is that among the millions of migrants President Biden has invited to come to America there might be enough raw material to fill our needs," the Admiral observed. "Remember, the Roman Empire was able to extend its reign for centuries by enlisting foreigners into its ranks. I see no reason why we couldn't replicate their success."
29,000 Emails from Joe Biden
In response to a FOIA filing, the National Archives and Records Administration reluctantly admitted that "there were nearly 29,000 emails sent by Vice-President Joe Biden to his son's and brother's business firms. However, we will not be able to provide the contents of these messages until after the 2024 elections."
Archivist of the United States Colleen Joy Shogan, cautioned that "it would be premature to conclude that the existence of this correspondence proves that the President's statement that he has never spoken to his son about his business activities is false. Only an in depth analysis of each one of these emails can tell us the answer to that question. My staff tells me that it will take at least 15 months to complete this analysis."
Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre pointed out that "first, an email is a written communication, not a spoken communication. Even if all the emails are about business they don't prove that the President spoke to his son or anyone else about the business. Second, all of these emails are from the time that he served as vice-president. Since he no longer occupies that office the issue is moot. Finally, participating in businesses while holding public office is not a crime."
Rep. James Comer (R-Ky), Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, said "the attempt to conceal or deny the significance of these documents is pathetic. The evidence is piling up against the Bidens' influence-peddling scheme. Being in the business of accepting payments in exchange for policy favors or transfers of public money is not a legitimate business. It is the kind of corruption explicitly forbidden by the US Constitution."
Former CIA Director Calls for Assassination
In answer to the question of whether Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-Ala) should be removed from the Senate Armed Services Committee, Michael Hayden, the former CIA Director under President Bush, called for him to be "removed from the human race."
His animus toward the Senator was inspired by Tuberville's refusal to allow blanket "unanimous consent" approval of military promotions. This refusal is in protest over using taxpayer money to pay for military personnel to travel to another state to get an abortion. Promotions could be made on a case-by-case basis, but Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) refuses to schedule any votes on them.
Tuberville explained that "views on abortion are sharply divided in this country. The Supreme Court has determined that the legality of abortion is a matter reserved to each state under the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution. The federal government has no legitimate authority to spend public funds on this. The proper legal approach for those who believe that abortion is needed is to raise private funds to provide the transportation to states that offer them. As a lone senator I can't compel the federal government to obey the law, but I can insist that proper procedures be followed for approving military promotions. If my Democrat colleagues want the convenience of unanimous consent they should use their own money to pay for soldiers and sailors to travel to the states where abortions are legal."
Terror Attack on Israel Elicits Condemnation
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) condemned Israel's vow to blockade Gaza until the hostages taken in Hamas' terror attack are freed, calling it "a war crime. Targeting civilians is a violation of the Geneva Conventions of 1949. I know that the Hamas attack targeted unarmed men, women, and children, but since when do two wrongs make a right?"
Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) condemned Israel's "cruel occupation of Palestine for the massacre of unarmed Jews. The juxtaposition of prosperity on one side of the wall between Israel and Gaza and poverty on the other is dehumanizing. It is not surprising that Palestine's champions were driven to acts of barbaric depravity by this daily demonstration of the inferiority of their society by their neighbors."
Former Vice-President Mike Pence condemned several of his rivals for the Republican presidential nomination--former President Donald Trump, biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, saying that "their opposition to funding the war in Ukraine his sent a message of American weakness that has emboldened the forces of evil around the world."
Black Lives Matter Grassroots condemned "the criticism of the justifiable self-defense of the Hamas freedom fighters who struck back at the racist oppression of ethnic minorities by the Israeli government. Israel has walled them off from their ancestral lands, invaded their privacy with incessant surveillance, repelled their incursions with excessive force and superior arms, and killed 1500 jihadi soldiers."
Over 30 Harvard University student organizations condemned Israel "for provoking this entirely justified retaliation against their heinous regime." Columbia University Students for Justice in Palestine and Jewish Voice for Peace condemned "the untenable status quo wherein Israel persistently refuses to provide the water, food, medicine and electricity the people of Gaza need to survive." Students for Justice in Palestine at Northwestern University condemned "the 75 years of Israeli oppression of the Palestinian people that sparked the righteous resistance of the brave individuals that exacted an overdue vengeance."
Different Approaches for Stranded Citizens
As commercial airlines understandably reduced flights into the Israel/Gaza war zone, tens of thousands of visitors from other countries have been left stranded. The responses of the governments of the citizens trapped in the war zone have been dramatically different.
The government of Hungary immediately dispatched aircraft of the Hungarian Air Force. Péter Szijjártó, Minister of Foreign Affairs of Hungary, said "we have already returned 310 Hungarians and 15 citizens of other states. Staff at our embassy in Tel Aviv remain on 24-hour call to assist others who seek our help."
Responding to requests for help from Floridians stranded in Israel, Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-Fla) has signed an executive order authorizing state planes to ferry citizens back home. "People are not receiving timely assistance from the US Embassy in Israel and are not receiving any follow-up after enrolling in the US Department of State's Smart Traveler Enrollment Program." Rep. Cory Mills (R-Fla) has already successfully evacuated 32 Americans from Israel.
President Biden advised Americans to "book a commercial flight out of the country. I know that US-based carriers have wisely discontinued flights because they would be at risk from ground-to-air launched missiles. Iran Air is probably a safer bet. I doubt the terrorists funded by Iran would dare to shoot down one of their flights. Our embassy can help anyone who would like to choose this option."
In related news, Biden promised to "mount an attempt to rescue Americans held hostage if we ever find out where they are being held and can get permission from the Palestinian authorities for safe passage into and out of Gaza. Remember, former President Carter's efforts to rescue hostages from Iran in 1980 failed because he neglected to get Iran's permission to enter their air space."
Dylan Mulvaney Named "Woman of the Year"
Dylan Mulvaney, a young man who has been impersonating a teenage girl for the past two years, was named "Woman of the Year" by Virgin Atlantic Attitude Awards (a partnership of Virgin Airlines and Attitude Magazine--a bi-monthly celebrating the gay lifestyle).
Editor Matt Cain called Mulvaney "a truly remarkable person who has had a surreally large impact in the advertising world. Her appearance on a can of Bud Light Beer ignited a boycott that knocked the brand off its top spot in the market and cost the company 30% of its market share. No single advocate for temperance has ever had so big of an effect on reducing the incidence of alcoholism in world history."
Basking in the glow of his out-sized influence over beer drinking habits, Mulvaney has suggested a sequel ad in which "I would play the part of a transwoman drinking Bud Light at a bar with a cowboy as my date. The tag line for the ad would be 'There's room for all of us beer drinkers in this town.' Even if the Budweiser people reject this idea, as long as I have the queer community that sees me for my truth, I'm going to be OK!"
