Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 8, 2023 Edition  (Read 832 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline John Semmens

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 595
  • Gender: Male
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 8, 2023 Edition
« on: October 07, 2023, 08:14:20 am »
McCarthy Stunned

Confident that he had an "ace-in-the-hole," House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) expected Rep. Matt Gaetz's (R-Fla) motion to oust him from his position would fail. It didn't.

"When I expressed my apprehension about allowing a single member to call for such a vote to former Speaker Pelosi (D-Calif) back in January she assured me 'I'll always back you up,'" McCarthy recalled. "But when it came time to vote she was absent and the current Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) urged the entire Democrat caucus to vote against me."

Pelosi explained that "my absence fulfilled my personal promise that I would always back Kevin up. If I had been there I would have cast my one vote in support of retaining him as speaker. I didn't promise to urge anyone else to back him up. The spiteful order for me to vacate the special office allocated to me out of respect for my service as speaker when Democrats had the majority was a low blow."

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) blamed the eased process, saying "the reason why no previous Speaker of the House has been ousted is the previous occupants of this office could only be ousted by a majority vote of the Republican caucus. Any attempt to amass the votes needed could be deterred by simply punishing disobedient members by kicking them out of committee assignments, blocking their earmark bills, and severing all their privileges. I urge the House Republicans to restore the Speaker's autocratic powers."

Busing Migrants Is Wrecking Border Policy

White House National Security Coordinator for Strategic Communications John Kirby blamed Republican governors for "wrecking the Administration's border policy. The purpose of taking in all the people illegally crossing over from Mexico is to modify the demographics of states governed by Republicans and turn them into states governed by Democrats. But with tens of thousands of these migrants being given free bus rides to sanctuary states and cities, the burdens of caring for these people are shifted where we don't want them."

Under pressure from New York Democrats to do something about the flood of migrants arriving in their state, President Biden has waived environmental rules that impeded the Trump Administration's efforts to build a border wall in Starr County, Texas. He explained that "of course the wall is entirely useless because we're letting these people in as a matter of policy, but it can help us neutralize the negative impression that we aren't doing anything."

White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre tried to head off criticism from the left by emphasizing "the need is to mollify segments of the Democratic base who feel they are being replaced by immigrants. If we can successfully communicate the message that importing cheap labor will enable the government to provide more benefits we feel confident that we can secure their votes in the 2024 election. The notion that people need to work in order to live is out-dated. A steady supply of foreign workers can support a welfare state where leisure is abundant for those who opt not to work for their sustenance. When voters compare our offer with the Republicans' 'prosperity through work and investment,' they will see we will give them more for less effort."

NYC Mayor Celebrates Communism

This week, New York City Mayor Eric Adams (D), New York State Assemblywoman Grace Lee (D), and New York City Council member Christopher Marte (D) joined Chinese government officials in the celebration of the establishment of Mao Zedong's communist regime in China on October 1, 1949. The festivities included raising the red flag of China and a gala parade through NYC's Chinatown.

Chinese Consul General Huang Ping said he was "deeply moved by the Mayor's open participation. His public rebuke of the hostility toward China embodied in the policies of former President Trump was greatly appreciated."

Adams characterized his participation as "just common sense. It won't be long before China becomes the dominant world power. By showing proper respect now we may soften their hearts. They already have their own police here to enforce their laws on Chinese migrants living in our city. We don't want to end up like the Uyghurs did when they failed to sufficiently appease their Chinese overlords."

War in Ukraine Is Top US Priority

Under normal circumstances Democrats portray a government shutdown as the worst possible calamity that could befall the nation. However, several have said that they would be willing to have the US government shutdown if that is what it takes to ensure that continued subsidies of Ukraine's war with Russia remain uninterrupted.

Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) told CNN Host Kaitlan Collins that "there is no higher priority among Democrats than to do whatever we have to do to make sure Ukraine funding happens and it happens in a way that gives them the unbroken resources that they need to continue to repel this Russian invasion. We all agree with President Biden that we must pay as much as it takes for as long as it takes to ensure victory. We will not support a government funding bill that does not include this guarantee."

Sen. Michael Bennet (D-CO) told MSNBC's Katy Tur "I'm definitely willing to shut down the government if a bill to keep it open doesn't include Ukraine funding. There isn't a more important or better use of America's resources than seeing this war through to a successful conclusion. The $70 billion we've invested so far is merely a small down-payment on what we should be willing to pay."

President Biden blamed "a tiny clique of unpatriotic GOP obstructionists for impeding the will of the American people. The majority of responsible members of congress all support unlimited funding for Ukraine. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) calls funding this war his top priority. I believe we can work out a bipartisan agreement that will bypass these obstructionists."

A sign that bypassing dissenting members of congress won't resolve the issue is the depletion of the weapons and ammo needed to continue the war. Adm. Rob Bauer, chairman of the NATO Military Committee and NATO's most senior military official, said "we gave away weapons systems and ammunition from half-full warehouses in Europe. The bottom of the barrel is now visible."

US Undersecretary of Defense Michael McCord pointed out that "we have given away weapons and munitions faster than we have produced them. Stocks are so low that they are insufficient for our own armed forces should our nation be attacked by a foreign power. Even if the vote in congress were unanimous for further funding, the materiel just isn't there."

Meanwhile, Russia has been conducting large scale drills to prepare its population on how to survive a nuclear attack. Prominent Russian officials, including former President Dmitry Medvedev, and Russian state television commentators have urge preparation for a nuclear war--including possible strikes on the US and UK and other NATO members that are supporting Ukraine's war effort.

Former president and current candidate in the 2024 election Donald Trump warned "we're not only dealing with incompetence, but outright insanity. Continually upping the ante in this war is the path to massive death and destruction. Considering what a mess Biden has made of our own country we are ill-positioned for the war that this so-called bipartisan coalition refuses to deescalate. I am sure that their crazy obsession contradicts what the people of this country want. I think Americans want peace, prosperity, safe streets, and lower taxes. I pledge to do my utmost to help them see these wishes are fulfilled."

Mark Esper, Secretary of Defense during the last year of the Trump Administration called Trump's opposition to the Ukraine war "disqualifying so far as his fitness to ever become the nation's chief executive in the future goes. He is totally out-of-sync with the deep state, which serves as this country's permanent government. Both from his public statements and my brief experience as his Secretary of Defense, I fear that he would try to dismantle this vital institution should he ever regain the office."

Non-Resident to Fill Senate Seat

This week, California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) selected Maryland resident Laphonza Butler to fill the US Senate seat vacated by the death of Sen. Dianne Feinstein.

Fred Jordan, chairman of the board of the San Francisco African American Chamber of Commerce, called the pick "completely unfair to the Democrats that have worked their tail off. The most qualified person for this job is Rep. Barbara Lee. She is the black woman the Governor should have appointed. Not some out-of-stater."

Newsom defended his pick, saying that "not only is Ms. Butler Black, she is also a lesbian. This makes her ascension a historic first. While it is true that you need to be a resident to be elected senator, you don't have to be a resident to be appointed to the job. By election day 2024 she will have moved back to California and be fully qualified to be elected to the post."

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), who has had his eye on the seat for some time, said he is "disappointed that I wasn't given the time to meet the Governor's desire for a Black woman to fill the seat. I consider myself to be gender fluid and have always wished I had darker skin. Appointing me as the first Black lesbian to serve in the US Senate would've been even more historic. I feel as if my dream to be one of California's US Senators has been cut off at the knees."

Congressman Carjacked

This week, Rep. Henry Cuellar (D-Tex) had his car stolen from him at gunpoint while he was driving in Washington, DC. The crime took place at 9:30 pm. The congressman was unhurt, but unnerved by the experience.

U.S. Capitol Police Chief Tom Manger vowed "to do whatever it takes to see that this public servant's vehicle and belongings are recovered as quickly as possible. Our investigators are focused, determined and working around the clock." The congressman's car, cell phone, and wallet were recovered within two hours of the theft.

Cuellar observed that "there is an immigration crisis in my Texas border district. But I would say that when you look at the numbers of murders, rape, and assaults at the border — let's say in Laredo, Texas — Washington is about two or three times more dangerous."

While Cuellar cited his experience as further support for law enforcement, President Biden's press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre blamed Republicans for the carjacking, saying "not one Republican voted for the President's American Rescue Plan. They are to blame for the rising crime across America."

Despite the lack of GOP votes for this plan, the Democrat majority enacted this legislation. It wasn't prevented from becoming the law of the land. Yet, even with this supposed remedy in-hand, crime in America's biggest cities has risen. In DC, for example, carjackings are up by more than 100% since the law's enactment.

Vaccine Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome

Canada's all-out effort to maximize the vaccination of its population against covid seems to have had an officially unanticipated side-effect. More than 70% of those vaccinated now have Vaccine Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (VAIDS).

Data now show that the vaccinated segment of the population is now 3.8 times more likely to become infected with the disease and 3.3 times more likely to die of it than people who have not been vaccinated. The explanation for this unexpected greater susceptibility of the vaccinated cohort is the vaccine's deleterious effect on the body's immune system.

Internationally acclaimed covid expert Dr. Anthony Fauci called the outcome "completely unpredictable. There was no way anyone of us could have anticipated such counter-intuitive results."

Actually, several doctors did predict that the covid vaccines would damage the human immune system. One of them--Dr. Joseph Mercola said "the vaccinations could lead to antibody-dependent enhancement (ADE) of the virus. ADE means that rather than enhance your immunity against the infection, the vaccine actually enhances the virus' ability to enter and infect your cells, resulting in more severe disease than had you not been vaccinated."

Sen. Rand Paul said "Dr. Fauci's trust in his own omnipotence resulted in the censorship of opinions like those expressed by Dr. Mercola. This mislabeling of views that later were proven to be true as 'misinformation' led to millions of unnecessary deaths. Dr. Fauci doesn't deserve acclaim. He deserves punishment."