Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 27, 2023 Edition  (Read 1338 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 27, 2023 Edition
« on: August 26, 2023, 10:22:30 am »
Elections "Bad for Democracy"

World Economic Forum (WEF) adviser Adam Grant says "the only way democracy can be saved is to do away with elections. Allowing voters to select their rulers invites a toxic struggle for power. Unscrupulous politicians malign each other, offer unsustainable giveaways in efforts to buy votes, solicit the large donations from powerful corporate interests that are essential to running a campaign in exchange for future policy favors--it's a thoroughly rotten system."

Grant's proffered replacement for voting "would be a lottery to select presidents, legislators, governors, mayors, and any other positions currently filled by electing the person who will serve. Those who wish to have their names placed into the pool eligible to serve would be screened by a permanent council of 'guardians of our democracy' to weed out the unfit. Criminals, lunatics, racists, hate-mongers, and known enemies of democracy would be excluded. This would leave each office with a pool of several hundred fully qualified persons from which to draw."

WEF founder and chairman Klaus Schwab praised this as a "newer and purer form of democracy. The WEF already has a core of top leaders who can serve as the council of guardians--men of extraordinary genius and selfless altruism who will protect the common people from the greedy opportunists who currently dominate the politics of elections. Pandering would be neutralized. Vote fraud would be impossible."

Schwab rebuffed fears that the guardians could be corrupted by pointing out "all of us are immensely rich and likely immune to any bribe that conceivably could be offered to put an unfit person into the pool. Even if this turns out to be incorrect, the person who bribes his way into the pool would be a 100s to one long shot against being selected. Freed from the fear of voters, the randomly selected rulers will be able to implement unpopular, but necessary policies. They will be able to cull the herd, simplify the lives of those deemed worthy of life, and ensure a more harmonious existence for all of humanity."

In related news, according to a recent poll of registered voters conducted by Premise Data, 43% would vote for Trump and 38% for Biden. Trump asserted that "this shows we are stronger than ever in our campaign to make America great again." Biden's campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodríguez brushed off the poll results, saying "they have ignored the unregistered voters who gave the President his victory over Trump in the 2020 election. I'm confident they will do it again in 2024."

SpaceX Sued for Refusing to Hire Illegals

The US Department of Justice (DOJ) filed a lawsuit against SpaceX for refusing to hire illegal immigrants. Kristen Clarke, Assistant Attorney General of the DOJ's Civil Rights Division said "the company's insistence that its employees must be US citizens or lawful permanent residents unfairly overlooks the many talented immigrants that have illegally entered through our southern border." Clarke acknowledged that "the vast majority of these immigrants are poorly-educated, low-skilled, and unable to communicate in the English language. However, some are experienced Chinese scientists who deserve these jobs."

CEO Elon Musk pointed out that "SpaceX was told repeatedly that hiring anyone who was not a permanent resident of the United States would violate international arms trafficking law, which would be a criminal offense. We use the kinds of technology that could be deployed in weapons. Hiring unvetted former Chinese scientists seems a potential national security threat. By insisting that our employees be citizens or at least legal immigrants we believe that we are pursuing a safer course than the DOJ wants us to take."

Clarke countered that "protecting national security is the responsibility of the President of the United States, not an unelected owner of a private business venture. On top of this, President Biden's son Hunter, who has significant ties to Chinese government officials and businessmen, has personally vouched for several of the Chinese scientists that SpaceX has rejected as potential employees. Mr. Musk has clearly overstepped his authority and could face criminal charges in addition to the civil damages of back-pay we are demanding for his company's refusal to hire people the President feels he should hire."

Maui Rebels Survive, Obedient Do Not

As more evidence emerges from the Maui fire disaster, it is becoming clearer that government officials made a bad situation worse. Not only was the supply of firefighting water delayed by five hours due to bureaucratic dithering and the sound of warning sirens nixed by quibbling over whether it would be appropriate to do so, now it appears that police blockaded cars from driving to safety. Those who obeyed the police officers enforcing the blockade died. Those who disobeyed and drove or walked past the barricades survived.

Maui Police Chief John Pelletier defended the blockade, saying "I thought it was important to prevent panic. No one knew in which direction safety might be found. By preventing a headlong rush in whichever direction each individual driver might choose, we were trying to figure out the best route to save all of them. Unfortunately, the fire moved faster than we anticipated and more died. Bad as things turned out, I am pleased to report that thanks to this state's strict gun control laws, no one, to our knowledge, was shot during the conflagation."

Sadly, the Maui fire wasn't the only mass casualty event in which Pelletier played a role. He was also the incident commander when 58 people were killed by a lone gunman firing from a high-rise hotel room into an open-air concert in Las Vegas in 2017--a tragedy Pelletier attributed to "lax local gun laws." As for the Maui scofflaws who survived, he sternly warned that "there is no lesson to be learned from such outrageous behavior. It may have worked this time, but in my opinion, disregarding police orders usually leads to a bad outcome."

In the aftermath of the fire, Justin Knighton, Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) Director of External Affairs, asked that images of the devastation not be posted by individuals working on disaster relief "due to the negative effect this could have on local morale and confidence in the Maui authorities. Admittedly, mistakes were made, but at this point, that's all water under the bridge. Now's the time for everyone to pull together and help with the clean up."

FEMA administrator Deanne Criswell tried to calm Maui residents by reassuring them that "President Biden and I have been in close communication throughout the entire disaster response." Nick Sortor, a local citizen journalist, observed that "the 'close communication' hasn't resulted in much FEMA assistance. Everything I'm seeing is being done by local volunteers and non-profit agencies."

Fired Ukrainian Asks a Question

In an interview this week, Viktor Shokin, the Ukraine prosecutor who was investigating Burisma--the firm that employed Hunter Biden--asked "why isn't the fact that Joe Biden bragged he threatened to withhold $1 billion in US aid to Ukraine unless I was fired evidence of his corruption? Is that not paying a bribe for my dismissal?"

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre pointed out that "President Biden was very clear that his threat to withhold the billion dollars in aid had the full backing of President Obama. The threat to withhold federal aid in order to extort desired behavior is a presidential prerogative of long standing. Since then Vice-President Biden was only acting in accord with President Obama's wishes, his pressuring of Ukraine President Poroshenko to fire Shokin falls under the umbrella of this prerogative."

Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) validated the Press Secretary's remarks, saying "I know it might be difficult for those unfamiliar with American governance to understand that offering to give or withhold public funds has long been considered a legitimate method for inducing compliance. This is to be distinguished from giving or withholding of private money for inducing compliance with a desired course of action, which, in contrast, is illegal."

Sarah Chayes, a former NPR reporter and special adviser to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, disagreed with her fellow Democrats' efforts "to whitewash the Bidens' access-peddling business. Taking money from foreign oligarchs to influence US government policy goes far beyond the traditionally accepted pork payoffs to political supporters for their votes. The President and his Party should be ashamed of this behavior."

In related news, US transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg has come out in favor of "a post-war aid package of $500 billion to rebuild Ukraine. They put their lives on the line to fight for democracy against the evil Putin regime. It is our obligation to repay their valor by repairing the damage they sustained in this noble battle for freedom."

Fauci Urges Lock Down of the Unvaccinated

At a recent university virtual event titled: "Pandemic Lessons and Role of Faculty in Pandemic Preparedness with Dr. Anthony Fauci," the retired multimillionaire federal bureaucrat said "the lockdowns imposed in 2020 were necessary because we had no vaccine to prevent people from the deadly corona virus. The thinking was that once a vaccine was available people could be allowed to be free because vaccination would protect them. Unfortunately, a large minority of the population never agreed to get vaccinated."

"If we are to protect the public from a resurgence of covid infections we must prevent the unvaccinated from infecting those who have sensibly followed our expert medical advice to get the jabs," Fauci demanded. "I urge President Biden to be more strict this time around. Rather than just threatening the jobs of those who won't obey our advice to get vaccinated he must threaten their freedom by locking them in their homes until they comply. China did this and achieved a nearly 100% vaccination rate."

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky) called Fauci's call for more lockdowns "totally illogical. If the vaccines really worked those who got them would be protected from being infected. The prevalence of so-called 'breakthrough infections' of those who have been vaccinated show that the vaccines do not protect against infection. Since they do not provide protection there is no sound reason for requiring everyone to get these injections."

"In addition to being useless for preventing infection, the lockdowns did massive damage," the Senator maintained. "Millions of small businesses were bankrupted. Millions of employees lost their jobs. Despair led to sharp upswings in suicides. Education suffered from the lack of in-person instruction and the social interactions with classmates. It was a disaster without any upside."

The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) announced a $1.5 billion initiative to develop the "next generation" of COVID-19 vaccines and therapeutics. Secretary Xavier Becerra said "we can't afford to bask in the success of the Biden Administration's defeat of the first wave of the covid pandemic. A timely investment now can keep our momentum going until we achieve a 100% vaccine-compliant population. I want to thank Dr. Fauci for adding his very persuasive voice endorsing a zero-tolerance policy for vaccine refusers."

More Regulations on the Way

The Department of Energy wants to require that ceiling fans be more energy efficient. It is estimated that this regulation would increase fan manufacturing costs by over $80 million per year and drive 10 to 30% of small fan manufacturing firms out of business. Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm defended the new regulation, saying "it will save consumers an estimated 33 cents per month over the 10-year life of each fan. As for the impact on small businesses, we saw during the pandemic shutdown that most of them are not essential. A winnowing out of the weakest of them would probably strengthen our economy."

The Biden Administration's health "czar" Dr. George Koob wants the Department of Agriculture (USDA) to lower its guidelines for alcohol consumption from one drink per day to two drinks per week. Koob said "if I can get by on two glasses of buttery Californian Chardonnay per week, I don't see why everyone else can't do the same." He went on to pooh-pooh research purporting to show health benefits from moderate alcohol consumption as "wishful thinking. Alcohol is a poison. The less of it you take the better off you'll be. Given the success of the covid vaccination program, I'd say the chances of convincing most of the population to agree to regular injections of Vivitrol look pretty good."

Fourteen major American cities (Austin, Boston, Chicago, Houston, Los Angeles, Miami, New Orleans, New York City, Philadelphia, Phoenix, Portland, San Francisco, Washington, DC, and Seattle) have set ambitious goals for saving the planet from climate catastrophe. By the year 2030 they hope to eliminate meat and dairy from their residents' diets, bar privately owned vehicles from their streets, limit each person to a maximum of three new items of clothing per year and one 1500 miles or shorter flight ever third year. Jet-setter John Kerry, Biden's Special Presidential Envoy for Climate, praised "the courage of these forward looking mayors. A lot of these goals will be hard on the people they govern, but someone has to force the changes needed to save the planet, heaven knows ordinary people can't be trusted to voluntarily do the right thing."