Humor/Jokes

[libertybele]

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…

… but then I turned myself around.

[sneakypete]

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…

… but then I turned myself around.

@libertybele

So now it is YOU that gets poked in the hokey?

[libertybele]

@libertybele

So now it is YOU that gets poked in the hokey?

 

[Kamaji]

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…

… but then I turned myself around.

[Kamaji]

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”


Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

[Hoodat]

There was a mother with three young boys.  She complained to a friend one day how much her sons cussed, and no matter what she did to correct it, they would not stop cussing.  Her friend suggested that next time she heard one of them cuss, that she should give them a very hard slap, and that would break them of the habit.  So she decided to give that a try.

The next morning, she calls out to the oldest boy, "What do you want for breakfast?"

He responds, "I want some f****n' pancakes!"

BAM! Her hand meets the side of the boy's face and he is knocked off his feet.  As he sits there dazed, she turns to the second boy and asks, "So, what do you want for breakfast?"

He glares at his older and then blurts out, "I want some f****n' pancakes!"

BAM! She hits him twice as hard.  The second boy flies back, hits the wall, and collapses, a trickle of blood oozing out of the corner of his mouth.  Now she turns to the third boy and asks, "Your turn.  What do you want for breakfast?"

The third boy responds, "Well I sure as hell don't want no f****n' pancakes!"

[Kamaji]

There was a mother with three young boys.  She complained to a friend one day how much her sons cussed, and no matter what she did to correct it, they would not stop cussing.  Her friend suggested that next time she heard one of them cuss, that she should give them a very hard slap, and that would break them of the habit.  So she decided to give that a try.

The next morning, she calls out to the oldest boy, "What do you want for breakfast?"

He responds, "I want some f****n' pancakes!"

BAM! Her hand meets the side of the boy's face and he is knocked off his feet.  As he sits there dazed, she turns to the second boy and asks, "So, what do you want for breakfast?"

He glares at his older and then blurts out, "I want some f****n' pancakes!"

BAM! She hits him twice as hard.  The second boy flies back, hits the wall, and collapses, a trickle of blood oozing out of the corner of his mouth.  Now she turns to the third boy and asks, "Your turn.  What do you want for breakfast?"

The third boy responds, "Well I sure as hell don't want no f****n' pancakes!"

[corbe]

[rustynail]

Are you worried about the cost of gas?

You’ve caught Carownervirus

[EdinVA]

Are you worried about the cost of gas?

You’ve caught Carownervirus

[Kamaji]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.

"Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

[corbe]

LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA ONLY US CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED TO APPLY

"Lemon Pickers Needed”, read the ad in the newspaper. Ms. Sally Mulligan of Clearwater Beach, Florida, saw it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans aren't willing to do. She submitted her application for a job in a lemon grove, in spite of being too qualified for it.

She has a liberal arts degree from Texas Tech, and a master’s degree from the University of Tennessee. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.

The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume. “However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, once for Hillary, and most recently for Biden.”

She started work yesterday.

[rustynail]

What does one boob say to the other boob?

~ “If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.”

[rustynail]

Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they're shellfish...

[Cyber Liberty]

 

Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they're shellfish...

[libertybele]

What does one boob say to the other boob?

~ “If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.”

 

[libertybele]

[libertybele]

[corbe]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

[rustynail]

A lawyer, a pedophile and a crack head walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "Sorry Hunter.  We are closed.  Your Dad shut us down to stop spread."

[Hoodat]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, a . . .

Very nice, @corbe

[Kamaji]

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

[Kamaji]

Converting a Bear

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.

One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"

So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.

They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."

The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."

Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."

[Kamaji]

If Noah Built an Ark in 2011

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.

"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."  "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[rustynail]

Kentucky Derby winner Rich Strike turns down a meeting with @JoeBiden . Asked why, they said “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would’ve came in second.