Author Topic: Humor/Jokes (Read 18960 times)

rustynail · « **Reply #275 on:** November 26, 2021, 07:20:31 pm »

"It's not that hard to tell the difference between an Alligator and a Crocodile. One you'll see in a while and the other you'll see later."

Kamaji · « **Reply #276 on:** November 27, 2021, 01:24:23 pm »

Quote from: libertybele on November 26, 2021, 01:27:34 am

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Hoodat · « **Reply #277 on:** December 01, 2021, 04:45:02 pm »

Hitler is trapped in his toilet

rustynail · « **Reply #278 on:** December 11, 2021, 10:30:19 am »

'They' said ... "Cheer up, things could be worse." So we cheered up and sure enough things got worse.

DCPatriot · « **Reply #279 on:** December 11, 2021, 03:36:56 pm »

sneakypete · « **Reply #280 on:** December 11, 2021, 04:10:34 pm »

Biden.

Too obvious?

Cyber Liberty · « **Reply #281 on:** December 11, 2021, 04:37:19 pm »

Quote from: sneakypete on December 11, 2021, 04:10:34 pm

Biden.

Too obvious?

A joke in poor taste.....

libertybele · « **Reply #282 on:** December 11, 2021, 04:46:54 pm »

DCPatriot · « **Reply #283 on:** December 11, 2021, 07:05:07 pm »

Kamaji · « **Reply #284 on:** December 15, 2021, 12:45:48 pm »

It's wise to remember how easy...

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had handwritten her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

Kamaji · « **Reply #285 on:** December 15, 2021, 12:48:32 pm »

Beans

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."

rustynail · « **Reply #286 on:** December 25, 2021, 12:33:06 am »

Friends- please wear those masks. They saved the life of a friend last night. He was out with his girlfriend and his wife didn’t recognize him!!!

Kamaji · « **Reply #287 on:** January 03, 2022, 05:12:44 pm »

Speaking of the Future :

Google's pizza
- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizzawith cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ...
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE HELL?
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago. ...!!!

DCPatriot · « **Reply #288 on:** January 03, 2022, 06:31:21 pm »

75 years, actually

corbe · « **Reply #289 on:** January 03, 2022, 06:55:26 pm »

The Cat Union has a strong Lobby.

240B · « **Reply #290 on:** January 03, 2022, 07:30:42 pm »

Men treat women as sex objects
Women treat sex objects as men

corbe · « **Reply #291 on:** January 04, 2022, 04:54:40 pm »

Kamaji · « **Reply #292 on:** January 04, 2022, 04:56:44 pm »

Quote from: corbe on January 04, 2022, 04:54:40 pm

Kamaji · « **Reply #293 on:** January 04, 2022, 05:21:18 pm »

Kamaji · « **Reply #294 on:** January 04, 2022, 05:28:52 pm »

No sh*t, Sherlock!

Smokin Joe · « **Reply #295 on:** January 04, 2022, 06:21:40 pm »

Quote from: Kamaji on January 04, 2022, 05:28:52 pm

No sh*t, Sherlock!

I bet the kiddies did what they were told, though...

Kamaji · « **Reply #296 on:** January 04, 2022, 06:22:41 pm »

corbe · « **Reply #297 on:** January 05, 2022, 10:29:39 pm »

THE TRAFFIC LIGHT

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no
on-coming traffic.

Suddenly, a carload of loud, bearded young Muslim men, shouting anti-American slogans, pulled up next to me. There was a half-burned American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and "We Love 9-11" spray-painted on the side.

They gestured wildly at me, and started yelling, "Allah Akbar! Death to America!" and took off across the intersection, not waiting for the light to change. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car, stunned, thinking to myself, "Oh, man... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Kamaji · « **Reply #298 on:** January 05, 2022, 10:36:53 pm »

Quote from: corbe on January 05, 2022, 10:29:39 pm

THE TRAFFIC LIGHT

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no
on-coming traffic.

Suddenly, a carload of loud, bearded young Muslim men, shouting anti-American slogans, pulled up next to me. There was a half-burned American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and "We Love 9-11" spray-painted on the side.

They gestured wildly at me, and started yelling, "Allah Akbar! Death to America!" and took off across the intersection, not waiting for the light to change. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car, stunned, thinking to myself, "Oh, man... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Hoodat · « **Reply #299 on:** January 06, 2022, 04:07:11 am »

Quote from: corbe on January 05, 2022, 10:29:39 pm

THE TRAFFIC LIGHT

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no
on-coming traffic.

Suddenly, a carload of loud, bearded young Muslim men, shouting anti-American slogans, pulled up next to me. There was a half-burned American Flag duct-taped to the trunk of their car and "We Love 9-11" spray-painted on the side.

They gestured wildly at me, and started yelling, "Allah Akbar! Death to America!" and took off across the intersection, not waiting for the light to change. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car, stunned, thinking to myself, "Oh, man... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

That was AWESOME!