Humor/Jokes

[corbe]

[240B]

[corbe]

[corbe]

[corbe]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

[Kamaji]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Granted!

[corbe]

Woman Who’s Good At Driving Wondering If She Might Be Transgender

October 27th, 2021 - BabylonBee.com



AMERICAN FORK, UT—Kyrsten Fribsey, a local mom and recovering shiplap addict, reportedly began wondering if she might be transgender after she drove around town to run errands without incident.

Suspicions that she may actually be a man trapped in a woman’s body began to well up inside her after she parked her minivan at Target without having to leave a note on the windshield of the vehicle next to her.

Later, according to sources, she parallel-parked perfectly the very first time, without even scuffing her car wheels on the curb. “Am I a misgendered man?” wondered Mrs. Fribsey as she changed lanes on the interstate without checking her blindspot the usual 17 times.

<..snip..>

https://babylonbee.com/news/woman-whos-good-at-driving-wondering-if-she-might-be-transgender

[art.prout]

Purebloods Rule!

[art.prout]

Don't think so @corbe
Members Only does not mean we relax this rule:

Prohibited:

Pornographic or sexually inappropriate & suggestive content in the form of memes, graphics or videos. Including, but not limited to full or partial frontal or rear nudity, genitalia, bare female breasts, nipples, etc.

Who writes that silliness?

[Cyber Liberty]

Who writes that silliness?

Don't look at me, @art.prout!

[art.prout]

Don't look at me, @art.prout!

 

[rustynail]

"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are two dollars and Deer nuts are under a buck"

[Cyber Liberty]

[corbe]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

[Kamaji]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

[Hoodat]

@corbe ,  That was outstanding.  It took me ten minutes to stop laughing long enough to tell my wife.  She didn't have the same response as me, but my son did when I told him.

[art.prout]

Have you heard about the new Italian snow tires?

Dago wop-wop-wop...


 

[art.prout]

How can you tell the "Lace Irish" from the others?

They move the dishes from the sink before they pee....


 

[corbe]

@roamer_1 Chili . . .

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young Cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,
"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[roamer_1]

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

That's right.

Thanks @corbe ... I needed the giggle. 

[berdie]

That made me lol.  While at the same time going "ewwww"!

[corbe]

   For your enjoyment @Texas Robin

Three men died on Christmas Eve, and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,
You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets, and pulled out a lighter - he flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys and shook them. "They're bells" said the man.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets, and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with raised eyebrow and asked "and just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

[libertybele]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."   

[sneakypete]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

@libertybele

LOL! That's the sort of stoopid thing I would say without even thinking.

[libertybele]

@libertybele

LOL! That's the sort of stoopid thing I would say without even thinking.

I thought it was hilarious -- so simply down right funny!