Author Topic: Humor/Jokes  (Read 18137 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Online libertybele

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 57,930
  • Gender: Female
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #475 on: May 08, 2023, 10:17:59 pm »
@libertybele

Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.

Yes, I've noticed -- and I enjoy your lightheartedness  happy77
Romans 12:16-21

Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly, do not claim to be wiser than you are.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all.  If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Offline Wingnut

  • That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine.
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 26,712
  • Gender: Male
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #476 on: May 08, 2023, 10:22:25 pm »
I asked my Dad if my Mother would like a wrist watch for her birthday. He said why, there is a clock on the stove.
I am just a Technicolor Dream Cat riding this kaleidoscope of life.

Online mystery-ak

  • Owner
  • Administrator
  • ******
  • Posts: 384,500
  • Let's Go Brandon!
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #477 on: May 08, 2023, 10:38:15 pm »
I asked my Dad if my Mother would like a wrist watch for her birthday. He said why, there is a clock on the stove.

 ****drummer
Proud Supporter of Tunnel to Towers
Support the USO
Democrat Party...the Party of Infanticide

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
-Matthew 6:34

Online bigheadfred

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18,652
  • Gender: Male
  • One day Closer
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #478 on: May 08, 2023, 10:38:40 pm »
What does “idk” stand for? Everyone I ask says, “I don’t know.”
She asked me name my foe then. I said the need within some men to fight and kill their brothers without thought of Love or God. Ken Hensley

Online libertybele

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 57,930
  • Gender: Female
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #479 on: May 08, 2023, 10:51:04 pm »
What does “idk” stand for? Everyone I ask says, “I don’t know.”


 :laugh:
Romans 12:16-21

Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly, do not claim to be wiser than you are.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all.  If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Offline sneakypete

  • Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 52,963
  • Twitter is for Twits
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #480 on: May 08, 2023, 11:52:50 pm »
I asked my Dad if my Mother would like a wrist watch for her birthday. He said why, there is a clock on the stove.

@Wingnut

Is he out of recovery yet?
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Online libertybele

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 57,930
  • Gender: Female
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #481 on: May 08, 2023, 11:54:34 pm »
Romans 12:16-21

Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly, do not claim to be wiser than you are.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all.  If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Online corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 38,546
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #482 on: May 30, 2023, 01:13:31 pm »
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. Each time, the couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online libertybele

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 57,930
  • Gender: Female
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #483 on: May 30, 2023, 09:58:37 pm »
I had a lot of pimples. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
Romans 12:16-21

Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly, do not claim to be wiser than you are.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all.  If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Online libertybele

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 57,930
  • Gender: Female
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #484 on: May 30, 2023, 10:02:27 pm »
"My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section."    :silly:
Romans 12:16-21

Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly, do not claim to be wiser than you are.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all.  If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Online bigheadfred

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18,652
  • Gender: Male
  • One day Closer
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #485 on: May 30, 2023, 10:44:12 pm »
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste, mostly.
She asked me name my foe then. I said the need within some men to fight and kill their brothers without thought of Love or God. Ken Hensley

Offline sneakypete

  • Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 52,963
  • Twitter is for Twits
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #486 on: May 30, 2023, 11:10:14 pm »
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste, mostly.

@bigheadfred

I'm gonna have to just take your word on this one,Fred.
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Online bigheadfred

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18,652
  • Gender: Male
  • One day Closer
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #487 on: May 30, 2023, 11:21:12 pm »
@bigheadfred

I'm gonna have to just take your word on this one,Fred.

Thanks @sneakypete I knew I should have gone with a tasteless joke instead.
She asked me name my foe then. I said the need within some men to fight and kill their brothers without thought of Love or God. Ken Hensley

Offline sneakypete

  • Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 52,963
  • Twitter is for Twits
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #488 on: May 31, 2023, 01:03:00 am »
Thanks @sneakypete I knew I should have gone with a tasteless joke instead.

@bigheadfred

LOL!
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline Smokin Joe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 56,956
  • I was a "conspiracy theorist". Now I'm just right.
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #489 on: May 31, 2023, 01:17:33 am »
Thanks @sneakypete I knew I should have gone with a tasteless joke instead.
:silly: :silly: :silly:
How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Online corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 38,546
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #490 on: June 03, 2023, 03:16:05 pm »
Three friends married women from different branches of the military.
The first man married a woman from the Navy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from the Air Force. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a Woman Marine. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline Kamaji

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 58,100
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #491 on: June 06, 2023, 11:36:29 am »
A former marine sergeant took a job as a high school teacher

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.  The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.  Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence... The rest of the year went very smoothly.

Offline Kamaji

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 58,100
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #492 on: June 06, 2023, 11:38:19 am »
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck

Tech Support Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Online corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 38,546
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #493 on: June 10, 2023, 02:48:47 pm »
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline sneakypete

  • Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 52,963
  • Twitter is for Twits
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #494 on: June 10, 2023, 03:36:42 pm »
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

@corbe

LOL!

I did NOT see that coming.....
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Online libertybele

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 57,930
  • Gender: Female
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #495 on: June 10, 2023, 08:57:41 pm »
Little Funnies (?):

- I'm a big fan of whiteboards.  I find them quite remarkable.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

- I like what farmers wear, overall.

- A boiled egg is hard to beat.

- Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

- She tried to make a chemistry joke but got no reaction.

Romans 12:16-21

Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly, do not claim to be wiser than you are.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all.  If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Online libertybele

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 57,930
  • Gender: Female
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #496 on: June 10, 2023, 09:11:21 pm »
Romans 12:16-21

Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly, do not claim to be wiser than you are.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all.  If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Offline Hoodat

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 36,976
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #497 on: June 10, 2023, 09:33:44 pm »
If a political party does not have its foundation in the determination to advance a cause that is right and that is moral, then it is not a political party; it is merely a conspiracy to seize power.

-Dwight Eisenhower-


"The [U.S.] Constitution is a limitation on the government, not on private individuals ... it does not prescribe the conduct of private individuals, only the conduct of the government ... it is not a charter for government power, but a charter of the citizen's protection against the government."

-Ayn Rand-

Offline Cyber Liberty

  • Coffee! Donuts! Kittens!
  • Administrator
  • ******
  • Posts: 80,452
  • Gender: Male
  • 🌵🌵🌵
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #498 on: June 10, 2023, 09:53:36 pm »
That outlet isn't GFCI.

It may be downstream from a GFCI outlet...
For unvaccinated, we are looking at a winter of severe illness and death — if you’re unvaccinated — for themselves, their families, and the hospitals they’ll soon overwhelm. Sloe Joe Biteme 12/16
I will NOT comply.
 
Castillo del Cyber Autonomous Zone ~~~~~>                          :dontfeed:

Offline Smokin Joe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 56,956
  • I was a "conspiracy theorist". Now I'm just right.
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #499 on: June 11, 2023, 03:04:21 am »

Now I understand why it says "Do not use this appliance in the shower" in the hairdryer manual.
How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis