Humor/Jokes

[mountaineer]

I recognized Matt Gaetz and Chip Roy (I think). Not sure who the others are.

[Right_in_Virginia]

[Kamaji]

[sneakypete]

@Right_in_Virginia

LOL!

[Polly Ticks]

A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, "I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% . You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%” After a pause, the instructor added,

“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

[corbe]

 

[Kamaji]

A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, "I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% . You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%” After a pause, the instructor added,

“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

That reminds me of one of my dentists, who used to complain that heart surgeons had it so much easier, because they had so much extra room to work in than he did.

[Right_in_Virginia]

A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, "I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% . You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%” After a pause, the instructor added,

“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

 

[corbe]

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde Genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde Genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a huge bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore the fabulous house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in KU KLUX KLAN outfits. They soon grab him and drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the KLANSMEN are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde Genies.

One blonde Genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a billionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me.'

[corbe]

Dr. Geezer

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

*Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".

*Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

[corbe]

SPLINTERS IN HER CROTCH

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

[corbe]

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain, so the king and the queen went fishing.

On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace. In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So, the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time, torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to execute the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So, the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

And thus, the symbol of the Democrat Party was born.

The practice continues to this day.

[sneakypete]

First Class!

[Bigun]

You sure this is a joke @corbe Sounds perfectly legit to me!   

[Cyber Liberty]

That's righteous, @corbe!

[verga]

 

[Kamaji]

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain, so the king and the queen went fishing.

On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace. In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So, the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time, torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to execute the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So, the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

And thus, the symbol of the Democrat Party was born.

The practice continues to this day.

[libertybele]

I made the mistake of making my coffee with Red Bull instead of water once.  I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

[bigheadfred]

Joe and Kamala were driving through Cairo when their car broke down. So they went to a camel rental place. The guy there tells them he has just the one they need. It knows all the traffic laws and signs. So they take it. A little while later the camel stops at a red light. A car full of Egyptians pulls alongside and one says "look at those two assholes on that camel".  Joe and Kamala got off to look, the light changed, the camel took off, and they never saw it again.

[Hoodat]

That one sounds perfectly legit, too.

[libertybele]

Okie dokie -- We got our handy dandy newsletter from our realtor with some laughs (?)

Why did the tomato turn red?
   Because it saw the salad dressing!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
   Because he was outstanding in his field!

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
   He drank is coffee before it was cool!

Why did the tree go to the barber?
   To get a trim!

Ta dah  ..... ya, well, I read through them     Pretty lame I know.

[Cyber Liberty]

 

[libertybele]

    Your reaction made me laugh making it worth it. 

[Cyber Liberty]

  Your reaction made me laugh making it worth it. 

[bigheadfred]

@libertybele

Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.