I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet…
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!
Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
