Shocker: Princeton Freshman Is Offended And Afraid
By Robert Gehl, January 7, 2015.
Newby Parton is afraid. Very, very afraid.
Oh … and offended. Very offended.
Newby Parton, a Princeton Freshman, is so sorry and offended that he might start drinking. A lot.
Or something.
Why is Newby afraid? Because he might be offending people.
He discovered how afraid he was after being offended himself. He’s offended because people point out that he pronounces “whip” with an emphasis on the “h,” like “hwip.” And his friends tell him to pronounce “Cool Whip” and poke fun at him and he’s offended.
After discovering how easily offended he was, he theorized that everybody else must pee their panties too when someone makes fun of their accent. So he became afraid.
Here’s Newby (a guy, by the way. “Newby” is a guy) saying how terribly afraid he is:
I am afraid that I have spent eighteen years not understanding when I have said something offensive. I am afraid that I have unwittingly hurt the feelings of people so accustomed to microaggression that they did not bother to speak up. I am afraid that I would not have taken those people seriously if they had made a stand. And I am afraid I will do it all again. I am afraid because microaggressions aren’t harmless — there’s research to show that they cause anxiety and binge drinking among the minority students who are targeted.
That’s a lot of fear, Newby.
So you’re busy being afraid and offended. Do you have enough room in that big brain for your Princeton studies? No?
I know what you should do. Focus more on being offended and afraid. Make it your life’s work to apologize to anyone and everyone for being white and male and offending people – while still managing to be offended by others.
Oh wait … you’re on top of it:
To become more aware of my own shortcomings is a debt I owe to others, so please send me a message if I have ever hurt your feelings. I will do what I can to make it up to you. In the meantime, I ask that my readers try doing the same. You might be causing people offense without intending to. Understanding how others feel is hard for those of us who do not suffer discrimination often, but with a little conscious effort, we can start correcting our mistakes.
Great Newby. When the real world comes hurtling at you, hold on tight to that apologist fear and easily offended attitude like a warm, narcotizing security blanket. Sit in the bleachers, nice and cozy.
The rest of us have a life to live.
