Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 12, 2026 Edition  (Read 25 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 12, 2026 Edition
« on: Today at 12:27 am »
Rubio Deports Child Rapist

In 2006, Tue Lue Vang was convicted for repeatedly raping a 10-year-old girl over a two-year period. The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) was set to deport him to Laos when Gov. Tim Walz (D-Minn) decided to pardon him, hoping this would allow Vang to stay in the US. Walz explained "where Mr Vang grew up it was customary for older men to marry and have sex with girls as young as 12. Admittedly, the girl he had sex with was under this age, but a mere two-year discrepancy isn't enough to justify expelling him from the country. He hasn't been convicted of raping any juveniles since he took a plea deal to avoid being sent to prison. In fact, he has become a critical member of the Minnesota community."

Secretary of State Marco Rubio intervened, saying "this dubious pardon doesn't prevent the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) from removing Mr. Vang from our country. I have used my authority as Secretary of State to terminate his legal status for remaining here. DHS has deported him."

Walz called Rubio's action "unprecedented and cruel. My pardon was authorized by the Minnesota Clemency Review Commission, state Attorney General Keith Ellison, and the Minnesota Board of Pardons. What makes Rubio think he is a better judge of the character of this individual than we are? Thankfully, two other Loatians, one convicted for armed robbery and the other for assault that we pardoned back in May are still in the country."

Rubio thanked Walz "for the tip on these two other foreign criminals. I'll see what I and DHS can do to remove them from our country."

In related news, the Trump Administration's more aggressive stance against crime is producing results. In the first year of Trump's second term, FBI arrests for 2025 increased by 184% compared to the last year of Biden's term. In Washington DC, Biden's US Attorney prosecuted only 33% of persons arrested. Trump's US Attorney Jeanine Pirro has prosecuted 96% of persons arrested. President Trump predicted that "the get-out-of-jail-free policies of the Democrats that emboldened criminals are being supplanted by punitive measures that are deterring crime. Fewer people are being victimized. Lives are being saved. More bad guys are going to prison."

Jews Favor Mamdani Over Netanyahu or Trump

A poll of 1022 American Jews conducted by the Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research found that New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani is viewed more favorably than either Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu or US President Donald Trump. The percentages of favorable to unfavorable were Mamdani 44% to 39%, Netanyahu 32% to 59%, and Trump 29% to 70%.

A Brooklyn poll respondent explained "I voted for Mamdani because he is a socialist. This means he will be giving the people many free goods and services that the other two guys would never do. So, he is a better choice for me. Netanyahu is a Jew. So, he gets some sympathy votes from a few Jews. But Trump--he is the worst! He's friends with Elon Musk, the greediest capitalist in the world. He's started these 'Trump accounts' for children so he can turn the next generation into savers and investors. This will destroy their unity with those who want government to redistribute wealth from those who create it to those who need it."

"I know Mamdani is a Muslim, but he has not said anything specifically hostile toward Jews," he said. "His plan to raise taxes on the rich might affect prosperous Jews in a negative way, but this is only because they are prosperous, not because they are Jews. They don't have the right to withhold their wealth from others. A socialist society that ensures that the capable are harnessed to work for the good of those whose needs are greater than their own is a more equitable society than the capitalism we have now."

In related news, Commissioner of Mayor Mamdani's Office of International Affairs Ana María Archila's efforts to broker a deal with Iran were nixed by the US Department of State. Archila complained that "the current Trump initiated war with Iran has increased the risk to everyone living in America. Given its high profile as the bastion of capitalism, New York City is an obvious target for retaliation. I need the opportunity to try to persuade the leadership of Iran that our city shares their hatred toward Trump and will do what we can to help take Trump down. The Mayor's plan to raise taxes on the rich is driving the die-hard capitalists out of town. Within the next few years New York City will be a shining example of a successful Muslim/socialist enclave that will inspire emulation across the country. Iran needs to understand that the people of New York City are their allies, not their enemies."

Platner Suspends Senate Campaign

Graham Platner announced he is "suspending my campaign to be the next US Senator from Maine. Despite winning the Democratic primary last month with 150,000 votes--more than any other candidate in Maine's history--wealthy donors are demanding I step aside. The campaign of smears--that I am a Nazi, that I sent unsolicited photos of my penis to women, that I sexually abused other women--failed to deter voters from choosing me to be the Party's nominee. Now these potential donors are saying they won't provide any money for my campaign to continue to November. They will only donate if another person is gifted the nomination without having to win it."

"Fortunately, the movement for a democratic socialist America will have candidates who are permitted to be on the ballot elsewhere," Platner observed. "In New York, Darializa Avila Chevalier, a socialist who called for the eradication of Western civilization and seizing the means of production, won the Democrat primary for the state's 13th Congressional District. Also in New York, Aber Kawas, who pointed out that capitalism, racism and Islamophobia are what led up to the 9/11 attack on America, won Democrat primary for a New York State Senate seat. In Colorado, Melat Kiros — who blamed America for destabilizing the Middle East and causing the 9/11 attacks on America, won the Democrat primary for Colorado's 1st Congressional District. In New Jersey, Adam Hamaway who helped support al-Qaida and testified in defense of the man convicted for the 1993 World Trade Center bombing won the Democrat primary for New Jersey's 12th Congressional District."

Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) congratulated himself for not endorsing Platner when he was leading in the Democrat primary polls, saying "I dodged the media pressure to take a position on Platner, but promised we would beat Senator Collins (R-Maine) in November. Unlike Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt), Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass), and Rep. Ro Khanna (D-Calif) I didn't besmirch my reputation by endorsing the guy with the Nazi tattoo. Instead, I worked quietly behind the scenes with our Party's big donors to help us get rid of Platner by getting them to refuse to donate to his general election campaign. Today I'm pleased to my efforts paid off."

Mamdani Criticizes Declaration of Independence

New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani used America's 250th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence to lay into the ideals for which this country fought for its independence, saying "what is the value of life and liberty to a person who is unable or unwilling to support himself through his own efforts? For 250 years this country has lived under a system that allows the energetic and the enterprising to take more than their fair share of the wealth that is produced. In the past month we have seen Elon Musk become the world's first trillionaire. It's time we give democratic socialism the opportunity to right this wrong."

Mamdani called for "a new system that would allow the people to elect a government that has the power to allocate the nation's wealth based on the simple idea that each person must contribute as much as they are able to produce and be allocated as much as they need to live. This idea was conceived by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels in their 1848 book The Communist Manifesto. While Marx and Engels called for a dictatorship of the proletariat to seize power and direct this process, modern day socialists like myself call for voters to democratically elect the body that will direct this process. We will then accomplish the equality promised in the Declaration."

Musk pointed out that "wherever Marx's ideas have been implemented the people have suffered. They are poorer and less free than they would've been if the enterprising members of society had been left free to create new wealth. The businesses I have created are valued at over a trillion dollars by investors who have bought shares in these businesses. I have over 160,000 employees, 4,000 of whom recently became millionaires because they owned shares of stock in SpaceX. Mamdani has built nothing. He is a taker, never a maker."

Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-Fla) seconded Musk's observations, saying "the Mamdanis of the world are basically offering ideas that have failed throughout history. Now with 250 years to look back we can and say that we're inheritors of an awfully good legacy. We were lucky the Founding Fathers put their faith in liberty. We are both freer and wealthier than we would have been if Marx's ideas had been used to set up our government 250 years ago."