Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 3, 2026 Edition  (Read 28 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 3, 2026 Edition
« on: Today at 04:41:59 am »
Socialist Mayor Unfazed by Departure of Rich

Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson laughed off what she termed "their futile effort to escape social justice. They think they will preserve their wealth and their income by relocating to states that respect private property and the so-called right to keep what they earn. At best, they will only temporarily spare themselves the retribution they so richly deserve."

Wilson predicted "when Democrats sweep the November elections and achieve veto-proof majorities in Congress, the redistribution of wealth prescribed by Karl Marx in his "Communist Manifesto" of 1848 will go national. Everyone will be taxed based on the ability to pay. Everyone will be rewarded based on need. Millionaires will be dispossessed. The indigent will be uplifted."

She went on to predict "failure for Starbuck's decision to relocate its headquarters to Nashville Tennessee. They're spending $100 million to hire 2,000 local yokels to vend their coffee to red necks. Do the folks in Nashville even drink coffee? I thought they were all-in for bourbon. Even if the relocation proves profitable, the new Democrat majority in Congress will modify the federal tax code to take a bigger bite out of those profits than ever before. There'll be no stopping the fundamental transformation of society that President Obama envisioned for America when he was elected."

Nazi Tattoo Guy to Be Dem Nominee in Maine

Graham Platner, a man with a Nazi tattoo and current Democrat candidate for the US Senate in Maine, vows "if Democrats win a majority we will shut the White House down with incessant hearings requiring the presence and testimony of every person working for Trump. They won't have any time to do what Trump wants them to do. This November election is our opportunity to seize power and wield it to bring the benefits of collectivism to the people who are oppressed and deprived under capitalism."

Platner has been endorsed by Sens. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Elizabeth Warren (Mass), Ruben Gallego (Az), Martin Heinrich (NM), and now the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC).

Sanders said "Platner has the revolutionary fervor that Marx hoped to instill in the masses to overthrow the market economy and replace it with a socialist system where the government will make all the important decisions about what products to produce, who will be required to work, and who will receive what share of the output. I know that capitalists mock the bread lines, shortages, and gulags that such a system inflicts on common people, but I have been to the Soviet Union when it still practiced true socialism and can attest to the widespread satisfaction I saw and heard while I was there. Prices were affordable and the hours spent waiting in line to buy food helped folks get acquainted with their neighbors."

Incumbent Republican Sen. Susan Collins called Platner "a candidate that is so far out of the mainstream that it is hard for me to understand why any self-respecting American would vote for him. Not only does he have that Nazi SS tattoo, he has also asserted that rape victims need to take accountability for being raped, that he was a communist when he was 34, and that white people living in Maine are stupid. I doubt that the voters of Maine would want such a person to represent them in the US Senate."

Dems Denounce Court Ruling Against Racial Gerrymander

This week in a 6-3 ruling, the US Supreme Court struck down a race-based Congressional district map in Louisiana.

Former Vice-President Kamala Harris sharply criticized the Court "for gutting the 1965 Voting Rights Act. The Louisiana gerrymander was crucial for ensuring the election of Black Democrats in at least two of the state's Congressional Districts."

Justice Samuel Alito, writing for the majority, called the current Louisiana Congressional District map "an unconstitutional gerrymander. Section 2 of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 was designed to enforce the Constitution — not collide with it. Unfortunately, lower courts have sometimes applied this Court's §2 precedents in a way that forces States to engage in the very race-based discrimination that the Constitution forbids."

Former President Barack Obama also objected to the Supreme Court's ruling, asserting that "this decision effectively guts a key pillar of the Voting Rights Act that was intended to ensure that Blacks would always have a majority in some districts of these carefully drawn maps. Right now, the two Black-majority districts elegantly snake their way from the northwest corner to the southeast corner of the state."

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (NY) claimed "this ruling by this illegitimate Supreme Court strikes a blow against the Voting Rights Act and is designed to undermine the ability of communities of color all across this country to elect their candidate of choice. That is why the first order of business for the Democrat majority of the Congress seated next January must be to fix the court. Our two options under the Constitution would be to impeach the Justices who voted for this decision or to add enough additional Justices to achieve our desired outcome."

In other redistricting news, the Virginia Supreme Court seemed to be skeptical that the referendum that Democrats hastily put on the ballot to gerrymander the state's Congressional Districts followed the state laws regarding how it must be done. Gov. Spanberger (D) claims she is "shocked these fellows are getting so nitpicky over our efforts to restore fairness to our elections. Democrats have a majority in Virginia. We could've proposed a map that guaranteed Democrats would win every district like they do in Massachusetts, but we allowed for Republicans to have a majority in one district so they would still have some voice in Congress from our state. Should the Supreme Court overrule the voters' decision we will have to consider impeaching any Justices that vote for such an outcome."

14,000 Luxury Car Owners Receive SNAP Food

The alleged justification for subsidizing someone's food intake is that the person would otherwise starve or be malnourished. People who receive this subsidy are notoriously fatter than average and strenuously oppose being denied spending the benefits on chips, soda, and candy, as these are considered "must have" items in their diet. With government being the provider, it is not unreasonable to insist on a better diet. Nor is it unreasonable for the government to expect able-bodied recipients to perform some work in order to qualify for benefits.

For generations the expenditures on these types of subsidies have grown. The federal government has mostly just continued to increase the subsidies with the passage of time. Now, under the Trump Administration, US Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins is leading a crackdown on SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) fraud. Step one has been a request for information from each state on who they are feeding with the federal aid they receive. Most states governed by Democrats are resisting compliance with this request. The results from one red state showed that 14,000 SNAP clients own luxury cars.

Rollins said "these luxury cars include: 3 Bentleys, 3 Ferraris, 11 Lamborghinis, 59 Maseratis, 141 Porsches, 244 Alfa Romeos, 306 Land Rovers, 2,098 Teslas and numerous Cadillacs. We've also found 500,000 people getting more than one benefit illegally. We found 244,000 dead people regularly purchasing food with SNAP cards. This is just in this one of the red states that is cooperating with our request for data."

Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn) contested Rollins' conclusions, saying "a person can't eat a luxury car. In fact, owning such a vehicle could deplete the funds they might otherwise have spent on food. As for supposedly dead people receiving benefits, they may not really be dead. The hospice scandal in California was only discovered because people who had been receiving benefits were reported to have died. They only found out that they had been reported as dead when they sought loans. So, being listed as dead doesn't necessarily mean you are actually dead and don't need SNAP benefits. The same goes for the supposedly dead voters that Republicans want removed from the list of registered voters. I think we need more evidence before we cut any of these federally funded benefits."

Gov. Andy Beshear (D-Ky) worries that "changing programs that have been feeding folks for decades could lead to chaos. People will be going to bed hungry because if Republicans get their way we won't be feeding them anymore. We're in danger of becoming the kind of country I'd be ashamed of living in."

Fauci Accomplice Indicted

This week, the US Department of Justice obtained an indictment of David Morens, an aide to Dr. Anthony Fauci, former chief medical advisor for the Biden Administration, for destroying, altering, or falsifying of records in federal investigations; concealing, removing, or mutilating records, and aiding and abetting the misinforming of the American population on the origins of the COVID virus, the ineffectiveness of masks, social distancing, and the vaccines forced upon them.

Former House COVID Subcommittee Chairman Brad Wenstrup (R-Ohio) said "the repercussions of these actions have caused significant damage to the public health system, and recovery may take considerable time due to the involvement of numerous individuals within various agencies. The ongoing pursuit of justice is essential for the well-being of the American people."

Dr. Richard Ebright, a molecular biologist at Rutgers University, observed "the evidence against Morens and his accomplices Dr. Peter Daszak and Dr. Gerald Keusch is compelling. Unless one or more flips and provides evidence against Fauci and others in exchange for immunity, all three should be, and likely will be, convicted."

Fauci insists "I can't recall whether I ever met any of these individuals, much less instructed or conspired to aid or abet them in the crimes of which they are accused. Who was the President I was supposedly advising during the pandemic? I seem to remember a large orange-tinted man whose name escapes me."

WHCD Shooter Demands Freedom

Cole Allen, the man being held for an armed incursion into the White House Correspondents' Dinner, is demanding that he be released without bail, saying "I didn't shoot or hurt anyone. I know I wrote a manifesto saying that I wanted to shoot President Trump, but I didn't actually do it. At the last moment, as I was lying on the floor in handcuffs, I decided not to. All I might be guilty of is illegal trespassing or disorderly conduct. I represent no danger to the public."

Former President Obama was impressed by Allen's logic, saying "his reasoning sounds both astute and convincing to me. It is also true. He didn't shoot anyone. Others have admitted trying to shoot him, but missed and hit one of the other Secret Service agents. I think a good case could be made that Mr. Allen has learned his lesson. There are too many guards around President Trump for Mr. Allen to think he could ever succeed in killing him. He seems to know that. Now we know that he knows it. I say let him go and not waste any more money on unnecessary further prosecution."

Sen. Thune Explains Filibuster Stand

Despite being urged by President Trump to do away with the filibuster, Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-SD) is adamantly against doing it. "Look,' Trump said, "the filibuster is not a law. It is not in the Constitution. It is just a long standing tradition that helped Democrats resist efforts to end slavery. Right now it is being used to prevent efforts to reduce vote fraud. Neither of these purposes for which the filibuster has been or is being used is good for the country."

Thune rebutted Trump's argument by pointing out "we Senators all respect each other. The filibuster protects the minority from being dissed by the majority. That's a good thing. Republicans aren't going to fire the first shot in the battle to eliminate the filibuster. I admit that there is a danger that the Democrats might. That will be shame on them, but our hands will be clean."

Trump reminded Thune that "many Democrats are already saying they plan to end the filibuster if they win a majority in the Senate, pack the Supreme Court, make Puerto Rico and DC states, and put an end to voter ID so even people who aren't citizens can vote. Can you not see what a disaster that would be for the country?"

"Yes, I can," Thune admitted, "but it won't be of our making. History will record that it was the Democrats who destroyed the country with these foolish and harmful changes."