Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 29, 2026 Edition  (Read 55 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 29, 2026 Edition
« on: Today at 03:16:39 am »
Dems Granted Full Control of Election Oversight

In Georgia, the state Court of Appeals ruled that the Democrat-majority of the Fulton County Board of Commissioners has the discretion to reject Republican nominees it doesn't like. Though the statute says the board "shall make appointments from a list of nominees submitted by each Party," Presiding Judge Anne Barnes decided that "the power to appoint is inherently discretionary. If the Democrat majority doesn't like the nominees the Republicans name it can reject them until more acceptable nominees are named."

Georgia Republican Party Chairman Josh McKoon called the ruling "predictable but outrageous. The integrity of the whole election process is undermined if one Party is granted the right to reject the nominees of the other Party. The point of having both Parties represented in the oversight of elections is to ensure that every ballot count is witnessed by persons of different Parties."

Rejected nominee Julie Adams, currently the Fulton County Board of Registration and Elections' only Republican member, complained that "this ruling destroys parity — the bipartisan balance that protects election integrity — by granting one party unchecked control over election oversight. It erodes public trust, as citizens inevitably see bias. It also sets a dangerous precedent, signaling to other metro counties that political power, not fairness, governs who oversees elections."

Fulton County Board of Commissioners Chairman Robb Pitts called the ruling "a decision that will improve the unity and efficiency of the vote-counting process. Instead of having folks who mistrust each other squabbling over whether ballots are valid or invalid we can assemble a congenial and agreeable team that will be able to expedite the counting to a satisfactory and pleasing conclusion in a minimum of time."

ICE Officer Saves Child

This week, one of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents Trump sent to JFK Airport in New York City to assist the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) saved a one-year-old child from choking to death by using the Heimlich maneuver.

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY), who had previously asserted that "the last thing that the American people need are for untrained ICE agents to be deployed at airports all across the country potentially to brutalize or in some instances kill them," now cautions "against letting down our guard against these dangerous and undisciplined brutes. A lion may peacefully lie down with a lamb one moment and viciously kill and eat it in another moment. One weird instance of mercy shouldn't blind us to the real danger."

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) hastened to point out that "Congress has not authorized the deployment of ICE officers to our airports. They are not properly trained for this sort of duty. We did not approve funding for them to go to our airports. We do not approve of them arresting and deporting the immigrants that former President Biden invited to come to America to be taken care of. Trump welshing on this promise is a stain on America's integrity."

New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani (D) acknowledged that "saving one child's life has some value, but I'm not sure that it offsets the terror ICE inflicts on millions of immigrants who came here to enjoy the good life that is unavailable in the places they came from. The money spent on ICE could be better used building more housing, preparing more food, and providing more health care for these immigrants."

Brennan Sides with Iran

Rahim Nadali, a cultural official with Iran's Revolutionary Guard Corps, announced "we are lowering the minimum age for enlistment to 12 years old. America's attack has inspired the young men of our country to join in the holy war against the Great Satan. Their martyrdom will turn the tide against the infidels and Jews who started this war and eradicate them from the face of the Earth."

Former US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) Director John Brennan went on MS NOW and told host Symone Sanders that "there's no doubt in my mind that Iran is going to win this war."

"Really?" Sanders responded. "I'd be wary of taking the word of an authoritarian regime that is known to lie."

"Precisely," Brennan said. "I'm glad you agree with me about how untrustworthy the Trump dictatorship is."

"I meant Iran can't be trusted," Sanders replied. "For years they've been promising 'death to America' and funding terror attacks around the world. How can you trust them?"

"Because they've been delivering on their 'death to America' threat by funding terror attacks around the world," Brennan replied. "Compare what Iran's done to what America has done. America purports to support freedom and democracy, but can't even provide that within its own borders. Its elections are corrupt. Trump wants to deport the immigrants who came to America seeking freedom. Democrats never gave their consent to Trump's war on Iran. Things will only get worse if Iran loses this war. That's why every American who values freedom and democracy should be hoping and helping Iran to win."

"Gravest Crime Against Humanity"

This week, the UN General Assembly voted to declare the transatlantic African slave trade as "the gravest crime against humanity." UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres said "the transatlantic slave trade was a crime against humanity that struck at the core of personhood, broke up families and devastated communities."

Ghana's President John Mahama praised the declaration, saying "we came together in solemn solidarity to affirm truth and pursue a route to healing and reparations. The adoption of this resolution serves as a safeguard against forgetting."

US ambassador to the UN Dan Negrea objected "history is replete with crimes against humanity--genocides, massacres, torture, human sacrifice, slavery--the perpetrators of which are long dead and beyond the reach of justice. Trying to declare one portion of the crime of slavery as the worst crime against humanity and hold the innocent descendants of the perpetrators liable would also be a crime. Slavery existed for thousands of years before America was discovered by Europeans. None of the people alive today in America were responsible for the crime of slavery for which the UN now seeks to extract reparations."

Professor Thomas Sowell, a descendant of slaves brought to America, pointed out that "more whites were brought as slaves to North Africa than blacks brought as slaves to the United States or to the 13 colonies from which he United States was formed. White slaves were still being bought and sold in the Ottoman Empire, decades after blacks were freed in the United States."

Unpopular Democrat Gets Debate Canceled

The University of Southern California (USC) and Los Angeles television station KABC tried to have a gubernatorial debate on March 24. The qualifying criteria for being invited included polling numbers and fundraising thresholds. Six candidates made the cut: four Democrats: Katie Porter, Tom Steyer, Eric Swalwell and Matt Mahan, and two Republicans: Chad Bianco and Steve Hilton.

Democrat Xavier Becerra, who didn't make the cut, called the qualifying criteria "biased. Every one of those who were invited is white. They should all withdraw from this racist so-called debate." His reasoning was so powerful that USC decided to cancel the debate because "Mr. Becerra's objection created a significant distraction from the issues that matter to voters."

Hilton and Bianco are currently running first and second in the polls. Hilton lambasted "the pantywaists at USC for allowing a disgruntled seventh place candidate to bar the six candidates he trails from making their case to the voters by yielding to Becerra's racist complaint. We didn't get to be the top six because of the color of our skin. Each of us has stirred up sufficient interest in our candidacies because we are talking about the issues that matter to the voters."

Outgoing Gov. Gavin Newsom blamed "the stupid term limits law for denying voters the opportunity to reelect me. I'm the best candidate the Party has for keeping the governorship. I've already won twice. None of the others have done as much for the state as I have. While I was governor nearly 60,000 acres in Los Angeles and Ventura County were cleared for new development. I championed the regulations that drove most of the highly polluting oil refineries to sharply cutback their operations and kept gasoline prices high to discourage unnecessary driving. These successes obviously make me the most qualified candidate for the 2028 presidential election. I will strive to replicate the benefits I achieved for California at a national level."

In related news, House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer (R-Ky) said "despite clear red flags, it appears California leaders have enabled hospice providers to defraud hardworking American taxpayers of over $1 billion in Medicaid funds that were improperly used to provide health care for illegal aliens. Gov. Newsom knew about the fraud for years, but has done absolutely nothing to stop it and has made no attempt to recover the misspent funds."

Newsom defended has inaction by pointing out that "the misappropriated money was spent in California and thus, helped to boost our state's economy. All of the losses were dispersed over the rest of the country. So, on balance, our state benefited from this diversion of the federal funds."