Iran Executes Nuclear Scientist
Golem Salami, spokesman for Iran's Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps, announced that Rouzbeh Vadi, one of Iran's top nuclear scientists, was hanged this week. "The fact that Vadi was not taken out by the Israeli air attacks like our six other nuclear scientists were raised our suspicions," Salami said. "Vadi was arrested and interrogated. Despite the rigorous torture applied by our best experts he would not confess. However, our offer to spare his family from execution if he would admit to being a spy for the Mossad persuaded him to admit his guilt. We are also pleased to confirm the arrest of all of his wives, children, and grandchildren who will each be given the opportunity to atone for his treachery by becoming suicide bombers against the enemies of Iran."
Iran Human Rights advocate Mahmood Amiry-Moghaddam was skeptical of the claim that Vadi was a spy, saying "the regime is using the Israeli attacks as an excuse to eliminate political opposition to its repressive policies. Anyone who expresses a desire for individual freedom or true democracy is labeled a blasphemer or an enemy of the state and liable to be imprisoned, tortured, and killed. Sentences to be executed have been issued without fair trials and based on confessions obtained under torture. In addition to violating international laws, they also violate the written laws of the Islamic Republic itself."
Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei called the bombing of his country's nuclear facilities "a setback," but vowed to "rebuild them as quickly as possible. Trump may have felt himself invulnerable while bombing Iran, but we are currently negotiating with the next mayor of New York City Zohran Mamdani to lease a site for our nuclear research facility within his jurisdiction. This will be a win-win arrangement. First, Trump wouldn't dare to bomb the most important city in America. Congress would impeach him. Second, since the City of New York has the largest population of Jews outside of Israel, Mayor Mamdani would gain the ability to become the most effective suicide-bomber in world history."
Columbia University agitator and Hamas supporter Mahmoud Khalil called these latest developments "encouraging. Two years ago, Israel and Saudi Arabia were on the brink of signing a peace treaty. The Hamas October 7 attack successfully sabotaged that. Israel's excessive retaliation mobilized the youth of the world to protest against Jewish atrocities against Palestine. The potential establishment of an Iranian enclave in New York City from which Hamas could carry out more anti-zionist attacks would bring the struggle for Islamic supremacy inside the Great Satan itself. We are closer to winning than I ever imagined we could be."
In related news, Mamdani vowed "to crush the charter schools movement once I am elected mayor. All students must receive the same indoctrination. These charter schools allow divergent and impious ideas to pollute the minds of those too young to understand what they ought to think and value. We who are wiser must choose for them and ensure that all are unified in thought and obedience to the one true faith."
Census Errors to Be Corrected
The US Census Bureau has admitted that it made some serious errors in its 2020 counts. There were significant under-counts in Republican-leaning states like Florida (-3.48%) and Texas (-1.92%), while blue states such as New York (+3.44%) and Rhode Island (+5.05%) were over-counted. These miscounts led to an incorrect apportionment of House seats and Electoral College votes.
To correct these errors President Trump said "I instructed our Department of Commerce to immediately begin work on a new and highly accurate census based on modern-day facts and figures. Since the Constitution requires the census for the purpose of apportioning the membership of the House of Representatives, people who are in our Country illegally will not be counted."
Rep. Yvette Clarke (D-NY) objected to excluding illegal aliens in the new count because "I need more people in my district, just for redistricting purposes. A key objective of President Biden's open borders policy was to increase the votes for Democrats compared to Republicans. We can't allow Trump to undo this with the stroke of a pen."
Attorney General Pam Bondi pointed out that "in 1976 the US Supreme Court unanimously ruled that 'neither the overnight visitor, the unfriendly agent of a hostile foreign power, the resident diplomat, nor the illegal entrant, can advance even a colorable constitutional claim to a share in the bounty that a conscientious sovereign makes available to its own citizens.' Those illegally in our country are uninvited invaders whose presence dilutes our citizens' ability to choose who shall represent them in government."
Gerrymander Controversy Erupts
In Texas, the Republican majority in the legislature wants to redraw the boundaries of several congressional districts. Democrats are boycotting the legislature in an attempt to prevent this outcome. The Republican majority has issued arrest warrants, but the boycotters have taken refuge outside the jurisdiction of the warrants. Some fled to Massachusetts and others to Illinois.
The current number of Texas' congressional seats held by each Party are 25 for Republicans to 12 for Democrats (a 68% to 32% edge for Republicans over Democrats). If the Republican redistricting plan goes through it is projected to change the ratio to 30 to 7 (81% to 19% in favor of Republicans).
Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-Tex) is especially irate, saying "they drew the boundary in a way that separates me from where my voters live. This is racism pure and simple. It's only a matter of time before a federal judge rules that this mid-decade gerrymandering is unconstitutional."
Of course, drawing boundaries that favor the Party that has a majority in the state legislature is quite common. In Illinois, the number of congressional seats held by Democrats is 14 out of 17 (82%). In Massachusetts it is 12 out of 12 (100%). In California it is 43 out of 52 (83%). Gov. Newsom pointed out "though the percentages for the ruling Parties in Texas and California are roughly the same, we need to keep in mind the fact that Democrats are trying to defend democracy. Republicans are fighting against democracy. Why should those trying to do evil be allowed to have as much power as the forces for good?"
Massachusetts Gov. Maura Healey urged Newsom "to go all the way like we did in our state. Given the fascist policies of the Republicans they shouldn't have any seats in Congress. Every state that has a Democrat majority in its state legislature should do like we did and gerrymander every district to ensure that no Republicans can win in any of them."
Eric Holder, Attorney General during the Obama Presidency, warned that "the Texas Republicans are playing with fire. They should be grateful that we allow them to have any seats in Congress. The shift of Black and Hispanic votes to Trump in the 2024 election was an unanticipated surprise that overwhelmed our vote harvesting operation. That won't happen the next time around."
Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insisted that "Texas Republicans are trying to pave over free and fair elections. Our democracy won't be safe until every elective office is held by a democrat. In the people's democratic republics where every candidate is a member of the Communist Party, candidates consistently receive more than 99% of the votes. This was the kind of unity that President Biden was striving to achieve before Trump forced him out of the 2024 campaign by brutally mocking his incompetence in the June debate."
In related news, a three-judge panel of the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that "the Texas voter ID number requirement is obviously designed to confirm that each mail-in ballot voter is precisely who he claims he is. And that is plainly material to determining whether such individual is qualified under State law to vote." Rep. Crockett objected, saying "this restriction of voter access is a step backward toward the Jim Crow era."
Trump Stunned by DC Crime
The brutal beating suffered by former Department of Government Efficiency staffer, Edward Coristine (aka "Big Balls") when he intervened in a carjacking of a young woman by a gang of teenagers caught President Trump's attention this week. He was also shocked to learn that Washington DC has one of the highest murder rates of any capital city in the Western Hemisphere.
"The United States is the most prosperous and powerful country in the world," Trump said. "Yet, the murder rate is 41 per 100,000. That's almost the highest in North and South America. Only Caracas and Guatemala City are worse. Mexico has only eight murders per 100,000. We need to do better. Our capital city should be a model community that the rest of the world envies, not a place where life and property at such high risk. I'm thinking we need to re-federalize the governance of the city."
"Washington, DC is an amazing city, but it has been plagued by violent crime for far too long," White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced. "President Trump has directed an increased presence of federal law enforcement to protect innocent citizens. A week long test of federal law enforcement patrols in DC will help us assess whether deploying Park Police, FBI, DEA, ATF, and Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers can make a difference."
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) questioned whether "Trump's usurpation of the authority that belongs to the city government is appropriate. It disenfranchises the voters who elected Mayor Bowser. So, at least in that sense, Trump's intrusion is anti-democracy. I fear the promised cure of reduced crime may be less desirable than just allowing the folks living in the city to govern themselves for better or for worse."
In related news, the gun control laws adopted by Colorado following the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut in 2013 have been followed by an increase in firearm homicides. Murders committed with guns rose from 86 in 2014 to 237 in 2023. Gov. Jared Polis (D) professed himself "baffled by the statistical trend. It defies logic. Making it harder to obtain firearms should've led to fewer shootings. Since it hasn't maybe we need to take the final step and just ban private ownership of firearms."
