Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 22, 2022 Edition  (Read 242 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 22, 2022 Edition
« on: May 21, 2022, 02:00:10 am »
Pelosi: America Wants Democrats to Win in November

Despite polls indicating that 80% of Americans feel the country is headed in the wrong direction, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insists that "America wants Democrats to win the November elections. Joe Biden has been a great President. I can't think of anyone who would be more suited to lead us in these perilous times of runaway inflation, rising crime, and war. As this truth sinks in voters will help solidify our Party's control of Congress so Republicans can be prevented from blocking further progress."

"Now that a monkey pox pandemic is about to hit I'm confident that the people will want President Biden's proven leadership during the covid crisis to impose the same kind of tough measures that enabled us to survive the covid menace," Pelsosi predicted. "Only he has the brains and guts to reinstitute the lockdowns, social distancing, face masks, and vaccines that will be needed to save lives."

Sen. Rand Paul observed that "no rational person could possibly put any faith in the notion that repeating the mistakes made about covid could be a viable strategy for any national problem. I doubt that any substantial portion of the population could be stampeded into the type of hysteria needed to get them to vote Democrat."

In other bad news for Democrats, Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone banned Pelosi from receiving Catholic communion "until she repents her support for making the evil of abortion federal law. For years she was content to claim a personal reverence for the lives of the unborn while allowing the blame for abortion's legality to fall on the Roe v. Wade decision. But leading the effort to have the House make abortion the law of the land makes her an active perpetrator of this murderous assault on the most helpless members of humanity."

Asked for her reaction to the Archbishop's action, a spokesperson for Pelosi asserted that "the Speaker does not respond to hate speech or hateful actions from any source. She will continue to exercise her constitutionally protected right to freely exercise her religion and to take whatever countermeasures necessary to punish those who seek to infringe upon this right no matter how high and mighty they may think themselves."

Dems Reject Protecting Parents' Free Speech Rights

A Republican amendment to the Domestic Terrorism Act intended to exclude prosecution of parents for criticizing school policies was rejected by the Democrat majority on the House Rules Committee. The amendment was championed by Rep. Mark Green (R-Tenn) who argued that "last fall, parents across the United States were accused of being 'domestic terrorists' for speaking out against their child's school's curriculum. My amendment would bar the federal government from initiating a terrorism accusation against parents for peacefully questioning the instruction of their children."

House Judiciary Committee chairman Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) characterized the Democrats position as "an abuse of federal power. Parents have a right to be concerned about the education of their children and to express those concerns to school officials at public meetings without being smeared as 'domestic terrorists' for voicing these concerns."

House Rules Committee Chairman Jim McGovern (D-Mass) asserted that "domestic terrorism is a serious problem in this country. The government must have unfettered authority to combat it by any means it deems necessary. What Republicans regard as free speech is often disinformation and can serve as a cover for nefarious intentions. We should not let a misguided respect for the First Amendment undermine the proactive deployment of anti-terrorist tactics to stem unwarranted opposition to the progressive curriculum that the public schools are trying to implement."

Biden Admin Disinformation Effort Derailed

The less than month-old Disinformation Governance Board established by President Biden has been "put on hold" due to backlash against the idea that the Board reminded too many people of the "Ministry of Truth" in George Orwell's distopian novel 1984. Given the chance to continue on the payroll with no job responsibilities, Nina Jankowicz decided to resign, saying "there's no point in me staying on if I'm not going to be allowed to censor anyone's erroneous statements or beliefs."

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre called this turn of events "tragic. We were putting together the most extensive and comprehensive suppression of mistaken ideas in American history. Ms. Jankowicz was an ideal person to carry out this mission. The survival of our democracy depends on a vigorous extermination of unwarranted criticism of the government. We were supremely confident of the skills she would have brought to this crucial battle."

Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas expressed hope that "we can renew this effort to clamp down on dissident elements in the not too distant future. Perhaps we can come up with a less frightening name for the Board. Maybe this would mute the ferocious opposition we have seen over the last few weeks. Sorting out truth from falsehood is something that must be done. Jefferson's notion that truth can emerge from vigorous debate is too risky for our modern era. We don't want legitimate progressive passions like the anger over the pending loss of the Roe v. Wade protection of abortion rights to be illegitimately suppressed just because some of the words being used sound too violent--burning down the Supreme Court building and murdering the justices, for example. We need righteous rage if we want to achieve social justice."

Bill to Curb Emergency Powers Vetoed

Republican-sponsored legislation aiming to limit the authority of the governor's use of an emergency declaration to bypass normal lawmaking was vetoed by Gov. Laura Kelly (D-Kan) who declared that "some issues are too critical to be decided by the normal processes of a democratic style of government. Health is one of those issues. Legislators lack the expertise to determine which health policies and protocols are best for the the people of this state."

"If it had been up to the legislature we might never have implemented the lockdowns, vaccine mandate, and other measures that were needed to control covid," Kelly contended. "The governor's ability to declare an emergency and suspend representative government is essential for preserving the people's health and safety. This way, top medical and health experts can benevolently dictate life-saving policies and practices without the delay that typically impedes action when legislative approval is required."

"I will grant that many of the executive directives issued during the covid pandemic may not have been optimal, but we can't let one unhappy experience blind us to the inherent efficiency of one-person rule during an extraordinary threat to the public," Kelly added. "Fortunately, we didn't have to resort to extreme measures. No general imprisonment of the population like they had in New Zealand was required. Neither did we have to cull the herd like they did in China. But these options should remain available to all future governors of our state."