Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 8, 2021 Edition  (Read 583 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 8, 2021 Edition
« on: August 07, 2021, 08:15:14 am »
Inability to Include Skin Color in Promotions Hurts Diversity

Chief of naval personnel Vice Adm. John Nowell Jr. wants to resume the practice of including photos of officers up for promotion in the information packets reviewed by selection boards. "The premise that excluding photos would combat racism in the decisions on who would be promoted isn't working," the Admiral said. Photos were excluded under the orders of former Defense Secretary Mark Esper in July of 2020 to "prevent discrimination, prejudice and bias and promote equal opportunity, morale and the readiness of the force."

"I understand the intent was to reduce the chances for race to influence the decisions on which officers would be promoted," Nowell admitted. "The idea was modeled on the 'blind audition' procedure used to evaluate the talent of musicians seeking spots in an orchestra--leaving merit as the sole factor in the selection process. The problem is that a rigid focus on merit resulted in fewer minorities being promoted. Unless those making the promotion recommendations can see the race of the candidates they can't use race as a factor in their decisions."

"While competence is an important element of what makes a good officer it should not overrule the objective of achieving a proper balance among the races within our military services," Nowell asserted. "Democracy requires that America have a Navy that looks like Americans."

China Offers Australia Aid

Australia has decided to lockdown the inhabitants of Sydney to try to protect them from the delta variant of COVID. The lockdown rules include a mask mandate, even for outdoor places. Only one person per household is permitted to leave their home per day to get groceries or medicine. People are allowed to go to school or work only if they cannot work and study from home. People may go outdoors to exercise but are not allowed to travel more than six miles.

Enforcing the lockdown is proving stressful. Too many people object that the 24-hour surveillance, threats, and harassment by police and troops "violates our rights as a free people." Some of the troops and police are also "uncomfortable serving as a Gestapo against our own people."

In a bid to ease some of the recent tensions between their two countries, General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping has offered assistance. "We understand the difficulty of keeping order in a country where the people are quick to assert presumed individual rights," Xi observed. "Even the police and troops are infected with a similar delusion. This impedes their ability to enforce the restrictions the government has determined are necessary. There is also the continuing expense of mounting an effective repression of those who disobey. We are ready to help."

Xi offered "a force of 300,000 troops and equipment. This will provide 1,000 times more protection than the mere 300 troops Australia is currently deploying in this crucial effort. Further, we will do this free-of-charge." Xi predicted that "our troops are well-trained and experienced in compelling obedience. They will not be moved by complaints that individual rights are being trampled. English-speaking troublemakers won't find any sympathy from them. Order and compliance are guaranteed."

Australia's Prime Minister Scott Morrison is said to be taking Xi's offer under consideration, saying that "at the very least an arrangement like Xi has proposed should greatly reduce the chance of China going to war with us."

Illegal Eviction Moratorium Extended

Despite acknowledging that the Center for Disease Control's moratorium against the collection of rent and against the eviction of nonpaying renters is illegal, President Biden allowed the CDC to extend the moratorium for another three months. "The bulk of the constitutional scholars think the moratorium is illegal," Biden admitted. "Hell, the Supreme Court recently declared that it is not legal. But there are a few scholars who have urged me to go ahead and see what happens. Who's to stop me?"

Press Secretary Jen Psaki pointed out that "the President was very moved by the sight of prominent members of Congress determined to sleep on the Capitol steps until the moratorium extension is enacted. He found the suffering they were willing to endure unbearable. Weighing this against the largely technical violation of the Constitution entailed in suppressing the property rights of a few landlords, he took bold action."

Congressional Democrats Cori Bush (Missouri), Ilhan Omar (Minnesota) and Ayanna Pressley (Massachusetts) thanked Biden for the extension, but made it clear that "three months is not enough. Housing is a human right. No one should be forced to pay rent in order to enjoy this right. Rent should be abolished. The government should seize the properties when the owners default on their property taxes. This would clear the way for the government to allot living spaces on the basis of social-justice principles rather than ability to pay."

In related news, Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) has proposed legislation that would abolish having to pay for utilities, water, and cell phone service. "In our modern society these are just as essential as housing," she declared. "No one should be denied these services just because they can't or don't think they should have to pay for them."

More COVID Coercion Demanded

Now that the highly-touted vaccines for COVID seem to be losing their effectiveness, the demand for ramping up the effort to coerce more people to get vaccinated is intensifying.

Bill Gates, a big investor in the manufacturers of the vaccines is adamant that both the unvaccinated and the vaccinated get more inoculations. Gates is urging that Social Security benefits to retirees be withheld to "encourage" more compliance. "While I think the mandates requiring vaccination to keep your job are a good start, we should not forget to use the leverage we have with those living on pensions. We should make continuance of benefits contingent on vaccination status," he said. "This should include all future recommended semi-annual booster shots that are needed to cope with each new emerging variant."

Baylor University Professor Peter Hotez wants Congress to make it a hate-crime for anyone to criticize Dr. Anthony Fauci or any other government scientist. Rep. Paul Tonko (D-NY) has introduced the Scientific Integrity Act of 2021 (H.R. 849), which would implement this idea. "Our ability to combat the pandemic is hampered when people are free to dispute the proclamations of the officially recognized experts," Tonko argued. "We must have unity of thought and action to successfully battle against the COVID threat. Since we can't seem to get this unity through voluntary means we must resort to punishing the enemy within."

Juliette Kayyem, a former Obama Homeland Security official, is demanding that "unvaccinated Americans should be put on the 'no fly list.' Flying is a privilege, not a right. The federal government has the authority to bar any dangerous person from enjoying this privilege. Maybe being deprived of mobility will persuade these people to do their duty and take the jab."

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is calling for the severe constraints he has slapped on his city to go nationwide. In NYC people without a vaccine passport are barred from most indoor places. "Look, we've tried to inspire voluntary obedience with all sorts of giveaways, pleading, and shaming," the Mayor pointed out. "It hasn't been enough. Fear of side effects and distrust of government is making some balk at getting the jab. If we make them prisoners in their homes we can breakdown their resistance. New York has led the way. It's time for everyone else to get in line and march to the same drummer."

Boston Mayor Kim Janey compared vaccine passports "to policies that required Black people to show their identification papers whenever queried by white officials during slavery and the Jim Crow era. Vaccine passports would disproportionately penalize Black residents. Given the history of some heinous medical experiments carried out against us I don't blame them for 'vaccine hesitancy.'" De Blasio rebutted Janey's view by boasting that "I am married to a woman of color. My concern for Black people is beyond reproach."

Finally, Dr. Anthony Fauci went so far as to proclaim that "that the existence of COVID negates the concept of individual rights. One person's desire to live in freedom conflicts with other persons' desire to just live. Refusing to follow the health directives issued by the government encroaches another person's right to life. Since life must precede liberty, liberty must be sacrificed to save lives. Compulsory vaccinations, mask mandates, lockdowns--whatever the government decides is necessary override individual notions of liberty."

In related news, retired Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, the star witness at the first impeachment trial of former President Trump, alleges that "if the Senate had paid attention to my testimony and convicted and removed Trump from office the entire pandemic would've been unnecessary, the economy wouldn't have needed to be shut down, and 600,000 Americans wouldn't have had to die."

Fatal Consequences of Vaccinations Disputed

Peter Schirmacher, director of the Pathological Institute of the University of Heidelberg in Germany performed autopsies on over forty people who died within two weeks of their COVID vaccination. He concluded that 30% to 40% of these deaths were caused by the vaccinations. He called for more autopsies to be undertaken to confirm or refute his findings.

Hoping to avert a panic, the Merkel administration quickly rebutted Schumacher's findings calling them "incomprehensible" and "not the official view of the government. Our view is that the vaccines are safe and no further autopsies or investigations are necessary." Immunologist Christian Bogdan from the Erlangen University Hospital, echoed the government's position, saying that "giving credence to Schumacher's research would undermine the drive to achieve the government's 100% vaccinated goal and could cost pharmaceutical companies billions of dollars in profits. In the clinical trials the death rates in the test group given the vaccine and the control group given a placebo were almost identical. This shows that the vaccine is no more deadly than the placebo used in the clinical trials."

In related news, the CDC's Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS) reports that there have been 12,366 deaths and 70,105 serious injuries resulting from COVID vaccinations administered between Dec. 14, 2020 and July 30, 2021.

Gov Disputes Harassment Charges

New York Attorney General Letitia James (D) announced that her investigation concludes that Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) sexually harassed at least 11 women during his terms as the state's governor. James emphasized that "the charges are credible, substantiated and corroborated. Laws were broken." However, James has declined to recommend that criminal charges be brought against the Governor.

At a press conference he called to refute the accusations, Gov. Cuomo insisted that "I never touched anyone inappropriately. Every kiss, caress, pinch, and pat were expressions of the love and appreciation I felt for these voluptuous babes." He then unveiled a slide show that included hundreds of photos of him invading the personal space of hundreds of women who he manhandled in various ways and asserted that "not once was I told to stop. Not once was I slapped or pushed away. This proves that the contact was consensual."

President Biden, a man who is fond of fondling young females, called for Cuomo to resign. "A man needs to know where to draw the line," he said. "When you go over that line you have to pay a price." Press Secretary Jen Psaki rebuffed New York Post reporter Stephen Nelson's inquiry asking if the President would support an investigation into the rape accusation made against him by Tara Reade, saying "81 million voters already rendered a not guilty verdict when they elected him last November. Another investigation would constitute double-jeopardy."

Supplements to Be Made "Prescription Only"

Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill) has inserted a clause that would shift dietary supplements from over-the-counter availability to "prescription only" into an upcoming appropriations bill. While Durbin has tried this before and failed, he cited the pandemic as "another opportunity to strike while the iron is hot. A lot of the resistance to the government prescribed vaccination protocol for dealing with COVID comes from people who think they are qualified to manage their own health. The easy availability of supplements encourages these deviants to reject the medicine that science says they need."

"By requiring that a doctor's prescription must be obtained before a person can get dietary supplements we can get more control over the situation," the Senator explained. "First, doctors can earn money for writing prescriptions. They can't earn money when laymen can buy supplements at their own volition. Second, since doctors are licensed by the government the threat to withdraw their licenses ensures that they will abide by government directives on what to prescribe. This threat has been very effective in diminishing the use of hydroxychloroquine and ivermectin despite indications that these prescription drugs could have saved the lives of many COVID patients. Finally, people who need their supplements to treat other diseases like high blood pressure or atherosclerosis can be pressured into taking the jab if they want to get a prescription for those supplements."

"We will be replacing the anarchy of free choice with a superior system that allows a broader scope for government management of the people's health," Durbin boasted. "Resources that might've been wasted on the ignorant choices of untrained individuals will be concentrated in the hands of the scientific experts. Decisions on who is treated and who is not, what medications are given and which withheld will be efficiently centralized."