Author Topic: Humor/Jokes  (Read 169531 times)

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Offline MeganC

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #700 on: August 13, 2025, 12:27:02 pm »
I think I've been hacked by Russia!

Edit: I not hacked. Motherland do no such thing. Have good day.
When the symbol of anti-government resistance is your national flag then your government is the enemy of your nation.

Offline MeganC

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #701 on: August 13, 2025, 12:33:19 pm »
A great tragedy befalls Russia
At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"As you can see by the foaming and throat scratching it is clear that some poisonous mushrooms accidentally made it into the soup" says one official.

One brave reporter points out that two of the generals seem to have gunshot wounds to the head.

"What happened here?" he asked.

"Well these two wouldn't eat their soup"
When the symbol of anti-government resistance is your national flag then your government is the enemy of your nation.

Online Wingnut

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #702 on: August 14, 2025, 03:32:03 pm »
What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in a room together?  100 people who don't do dick.
You don’t become cooler with age but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way to actually be cool.

Offline DB

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #703 on: August 14, 2025, 03:33:56 pm »
What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in a room together?  100 people who don't do dick.

In other words, they do squat.
Those who can be made to believe absurdities can be made to commit atrocities. --Voltaire

Offline Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #704 on: August 14, 2025, 11:22:18 pm »
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

How about that 'no strings attached' trapeze act?
How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Offline MeganC

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #705 on: August 15, 2025, 09:47:56 am »
@Smokin Joe

The latest trend in five-star Russian hotels are penthouse suites on the ground floor.  :yowsa:
When the symbol of anti-government resistance is your national flag then your government is the enemy of your nation.

Offline Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #706 on: August 15, 2025, 05:55:25 pm »
@Smokin Joe

The latest trend in five-star Russian hotels are penthouse suites on the ground floor.  :yowsa:
:laugh: I can see that happening!
How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Offline rustynail

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #707 on: August 29, 2025, 07:28:27 pm »

Offline MeganC

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #708 on: August 31, 2025, 08:19:21 pm »
In German the word 'lebensraum' means elbow room.

In Polish it means 'company's coming!'

 tipping hat!!
When the symbol of anti-government resistance is your national flag then your government is the enemy of your nation.

Offline berdie

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #709 on: September 25, 2025, 07:47:36 pm »
Heard this on the news...

Einstein was brilliant. His brother Frank was a total monster. :rolling:

Offline MeganC

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #710 on: September 25, 2025, 09:49:25 pm »
Two former Russian generals are in exile working as dishwashers in Paris. They're talking about why they fled Russia.

"I was afraid of falling out a window" said the first one.

"I was afraid of getting shot!" said the other.

The waiter walked in on them.

"I fled Russia too!" said Sergei to the former generals.

"Sergei, you were a private! What were you afraid of?"

"Being promoted to general!"
When the symbol of anti-government resistance is your national flag then your government is the enemy of your nation.

Offline mountaineer

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #711 on: October 18, 2025, 07:53:23 am »
This would never be permitted on TV today.

https://twitter.com/JebraFaushay/status/1978791530753097898

Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #712 on: October 30, 2025, 06:37:17 pm »
What is Neil Diamond's favorite Halloween song?

Forever in Boo Jeans!    :silly:
Live in  harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly, do not claim to be wiser than you are.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all.  If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Romans 12:16-18

Offline Cyber Liberty

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #713 on: October 30, 2025, 06:57:46 pm »
What is Neil Diamond's favorite Halloween song?

Forever in Boo Jeans!    :silly:

 :chairbang: ****slapping 22222frying pan
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I will NOT comply.
 
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Online ChemEngrMBA

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #714 on: November 17, 2025, 02:48:54 pm »
What was Helen Keller's favorite color?

Corduroy

What did she name her dog?

ARNCH
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Online DCPatriot

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #715 on: November 17, 2025, 05:07:38 pm »
A pregnant woman bumps her head and falls into a coma.

When she finally wakes up, she is greeted by a nurse.
"Oh Great!  You're finally back!"

The woman says, "Did I give birth"?

Nurse replies, "Oh yes!  You gave birth to twins...a boy and a girl.  Your brother named them!"

"Oh NO!  He's an idiot!!  What did he name them"?

Nurse replied, "He named the girl Denice".

"OH!!  Hmmm...that's not bad at all!!  What did he name the boy?

The nurse replied,  "Denephew"
    :bolt:
"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

If we had just let them eat the Tide pods, none of this would be happening right now

Offline MeganC

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #716 on: November 19, 2025, 01:22:12 pm »
 :silly: :tongue2: :silly:

 :thud:
When the symbol of anti-government resistance is your national flag then your government is the enemy of your nation.

Online DCPatriot

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #717 on: November 19, 2025, 01:33:56 pm »
Man is quietly eating a bowl of cereal at the kitchen table.

His son is finishing his homework...looks up at this dad and asks:

What is God's name?

Father replies "Howard"

His wife speaks up and says...WTF??  "Howard"?  Where do you get "Howard"

Man says,  "Our Father who art in heaven...Howard be thy name!"
"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

If we had just let them eat the Tide pods, none of this would be happening right now

Online bigheadfred

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #718 on: January 06, 2026, 05:24:45 pm »
Hiking in your 60s is a great way to meet new people.

Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, and a cardiologist
She asked me name my foe then. I said the need within some men to fight and kill their brothers without thought of Love or God. Ken Hensley

Online bigheadfred

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #719 on: January 07, 2026, 04:31:48 pm »
The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
 
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.  ... "Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."
She asked me name my foe then. I said the need within some men to fight and kill their brothers without thought of Love or God. Ken Hensley

Online verga

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #720 on: January 08, 2026, 07:24:53 am »
The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
 
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.  ... "Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."
I was actually thinking about that joke last night.
In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
�More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.�-Woody Allen
If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise.

Online Wingnut

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #721 on: January 12, 2026, 11:20:25 am »
Boobs are natures stress balls.
Ironically they are attached to the greatest stress inducing machine known to man.
You don’t become cooler with age but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way to actually be cool.

Offline DB

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #722 on: January 12, 2026, 11:25:26 am »
Boobs are natures stress balls.
Ironically they are attached to the greatest stress inducing machine known to man.

What is a bee that gives milk?

A boobee...
« Last Edit: January 21, 2026, 10:13:54 am by DB »
Those who can be made to believe absurdities can be made to commit atrocities. --Voltaire

Offline rustynail

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #723 on: January 21, 2026, 09:16:46 am »
A circus elephant escapes and wanders into an elderly, near-sighted woman’s garden, uprooting and eating her cabbages with its trunk.
She calls the sheriff, describing the animal as a cow pulling up cabbages with its tail.
When asked what the cow is doing with the cabbages, she replies, "You wouldn’t believe me if I told you!"

Offline MeganC

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #724 on: January 21, 2026, 08:30:40 pm »
The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

 tipping hat!!
When the symbol of anti-government resistance is your national flag then your government is the enemy of your nation.

Offline Cyber Liberty

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #725 on: January 21, 2026, 09:42:22 pm »
 :hands:
The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

 tipping hat!!

 :hands:
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I will NOT comply.
 
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Offline Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #726 on: January 21, 2026, 11:56:54 pm »
The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

 tipping hat!!
888high58888 :silly:
How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Online Wingnut

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #727 on: January 22, 2026, 01:05:57 pm »
If you got time and can connect to the Facebook Reel link below, you will be in for a treat.  It's the funniest damn thing I have watched in a long time. 
@roamer_1 @Smokin Joe @bigheadfred @Bigun @Lando Lincoln @mountaineer @Dfw Gator
It involves hillbilly's, Beer, a beaver dam and dynomite!  The guy telling the story is a pure southern orator.
https://www.facebook.com/reel/921303971732525
« Last Edit: January 22, 2026, 01:07:18 pm by Wingnut »
You don’t become cooler with age but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way to actually be cool.

Online roamer_1

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #728 on: January 22, 2026, 01:27:29 pm »
If you got time and can connect to the Facebook Reel link below, you will be in for a treat.  It's the funniest damn thing I have watched in a long time. 
@roamer_1 @Smokin Joe @bigheadfred @Bigun @Lando Lincoln @mountaineer @Dfw Gator
It involves hillbilly's, Beer, a beaver dam and dynomite!  The guy telling the story is a pure southern orator.
https://www.facebook.com/reel/921303971732525

Sorry... No farcebook. If somebody has a youtube link?

Offline Lando Lincoln

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #729 on: January 22, 2026, 03:30:40 pm »
If you got time and can connect to the Facebook Reel link below, you will be in for a treat.  It's the funniest damn thing I have watched in a long time. 
@roamer_1 @Smokin Joe @bigheadfred @Bigun @Lando Lincoln @mountaineer @Dfw Gator
It involves hillbilly's, Beer, a beaver dam and dynomite!  The guy telling the story is a pure southern orator.
https://www.facebook.com/reel/921303971732525

I’m at dentist office. Will check later.
There are some among us who live in rooms of experience we can never enter.
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Freedom without virtue collapses into disorder.
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Online verga

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #730 on: January 22, 2026, 09:27:51 pm »
If you got time and can connect to the Facebook Reel link below, you will be in for a treat.  It's the funniest damn thing I have watched in a long time. 
@roamer_1 @Smokin Joe @bigheadfred @Bigun @Lando Lincoln @mountaineer @Dfw Gator
It involves hillbilly's, Beer, a beaver dam and dynomite!  The guy telling the story is a pure southern orator.
https://www.facebook.com/reel/921303971732525
Gotta be true, you can't make that up.
In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
�More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.�-Woody Allen
If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise.

Offline MeganC

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #731 on: January 23, 2026, 11:57:10 am »
A Ukrainian soldier walks into base leading four captured Russian tanks, eight captured Russian trucks, seven captured artillery pieces, and almost three hundred prisoners.

A Ukrainian general approaches the soldier and says, "Explain yourself!"

The soldier salutes and says, "I would have done better if my husband was with me!"
When the symbol of anti-government resistance is your national flag then your government is the enemy of your nation.

Online Kamaji

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #732 on: January 23, 2026, 01:23:09 pm »
A Ukrainian soldier walks into base leading four captured Russian tanks, eight captured Russian trucks, seven captured artillery pieces, and almost three hundred prisoners.

A Ukrainian general approaches the soldier and says, "Explain yourself!"

The soldier salutes and says, "I would have done better if my husband was with me!"

:bigsilly:
Nie mój cyrk, nie moje małpy

Socialism is a crime against humanity

Offline Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #733 on: January 24, 2026, 04:39:29 am »
A Ukrainian soldier walks into base leading four captured Russian tanks, eight captured Russian trucks, seven captured artillery pieces, and almost three hundred prisoners.

A Ukrainian general approaches the soldier and says, "Explain yourself!"

The soldier salutes and says, "I would have done better if my husband was with me!"
:laugh: 888high58888
How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis