Author Topic: Humor/Jokes  (Read 72985 times)

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Online mountaineer

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #450 on: January 13, 2023, 10:12:17 pm »
I recognized Matt Gaetz and Chip Roy (I think). Not sure who the others are.
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Offline Right_in_Virginia

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #451 on: January 16, 2023, 07:46:39 pm »

Offline Kamaji

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #452 on: January 16, 2023, 08:30:25 pm »

Offline sneakypete

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Offline Polly Ticks

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #454 on: January 27, 2023, 06:56:28 pm »
A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, "I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% . You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%” After a pause, the instructor added,

“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. -Groucho Marx

Online corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #455 on: January 27, 2023, 07:05:25 pm »
 :rolling:
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline Kamaji

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #456 on: January 27, 2023, 07:20:28 pm »
A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, "I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% . You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%” After a pause, the instructor added,

“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.


:mauslaff:

That reminds me of one of my dentists, who used to complain that heart surgeons had it so much easier, because they had so much extra room to work in than he did.

Offline Right_in_Virginia

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #457 on: January 28, 2023, 12:43:16 am »
A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, "I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% . You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%” After a pause, the instructor added,

“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

 88devil

Online corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #458 on: January 29, 2023, 12:10:22 pm »
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde Genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde Genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a huge bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore the fabulous house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in KU KLUX KLAN outfits. They soon grab him and drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the KLANSMEN are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde Genies.

One blonde Genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a billionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me.'
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #459 on: February 07, 2023, 05:35:53 pm »
Dr. Geezer

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

*Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".

*Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #460 on: February 12, 2023, 09:54:48 am »
SPLINTERS IN HER CROTCH

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

GOD BLESS AMERICA
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #461 on: April 19, 2023, 09:07:28 pm »
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain, so the king and the queen went fishing.

On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace. In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So, the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time, torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to execute the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So, the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

And thus, the symbol of the Democrat Party was born.

The practice continues to this day.
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline sneakypete

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #462 on: April 19, 2023, 09:11:49 pm »
First Class!
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline Bigun

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #463 on: April 19, 2023, 09:54:57 pm »
You sure this is a joke @corbe Sounds perfectly legit to me!   :beer:
"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."
- J. R. R. Tolkien

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #464 on: April 19, 2023, 11:08:52 pm »
That's righteous, @corbe!
For unvaccinated, we are looking at a winter of severe illness and death — if you’re unvaccinated — for themselves, their families, and the hospitals they’ll soon overwhelm. Sloe Joe Biteme 12/16
I will NOT comply.
 
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Online verga

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #465 on: April 21, 2023, 01:30:41 pm »
 :bkmk:
In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
�More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.�-Woody Allen
If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise.

Offline Kamaji

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #466 on: April 21, 2023, 01:49:00 pm »
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain, so the king and the queen went fishing.

On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace. In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So, the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time, torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to execute the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So, the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

And thus, the symbol of the Democrat Party was born.

The practice continues to this day.

:mauslaff:

Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #467 on: April 30, 2023, 04:29:44 pm »
I made the mistake of making my coffee with Red Bull instead of water once.  I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Offline bigheadfred

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #468 on: April 30, 2023, 04:46:00 pm »
Joe and Kamala were driving through Cairo when their car broke down. So they went to a camel rental place. The guy there tells them he has just the one they need. It knows all the traffic laws and signs. So they take it. A little while later the camel stops at a red light. A car full of Egyptians pulls alongside and one says "look at those two assholes on that camel".  Joe and Kamala got off to look, the light changed, the camel took off, and they never saw it again.
She asked me name my foe then. I said the need within some men to fight and kill their brothers without thought of Love or God. Ken Hensley

Online Hoodat

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #469 on: April 30, 2023, 04:57:47 pm »
That one sounds perfectly legit, too.
If a political party does not have its foundation in the determination to advance a cause that is right and that is moral, then it is not a political party; it is merely a conspiracy to seize power.     -Dwight Eisenhower-

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Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #470 on: May 08, 2023, 05:38:38 pm »
Okie dokie -- We got our handy dandy newsletter from our realtor with some laughs (?)

Why did the tomato turn red?
   Because it saw the salad dressing!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
   Because he was outstanding in his field!

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
   He drank is coffee before it was cool!

Why did the tree go to the barber?
   To get a trim!

Ta dah  ..... ya, well, I read through them   happy77  Pretty lame I know.

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #471 on: May 08, 2023, 05:51:54 pm »
 :banghead:
For unvaccinated, we are looking at a winter of severe illness and death — if you’re unvaccinated — for themselves, their families, and the hospitals they’ll soon overwhelm. Sloe Joe Biteme 12/16
I will NOT comply.
 
Castillo del Cyber Autonomous Zone ~~~~~>                          :dontfeed:

Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #472 on: May 08, 2023, 05:53:32 pm »
:banghead:

 :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:  Your reaction made me laugh making it worth it.  :beer: :silly:

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #473 on: May 08, 2023, 05:59:34 pm »
:rolling: :rolling: :rolling:  Your reaction made me laugh making it worth it.  :beer: :silly:

:happyhappy:
For unvaccinated, we are looking at a winter of severe illness and death — if you’re unvaccinated — for themselves, their families, and the hospitals they’ll soon overwhelm. Sloe Joe Biteme 12/16
I will NOT comply.
 
Castillo del Cyber Autonomous Zone ~~~~~>                          :dontfeed:

Offline bigheadfred

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #474 on: May 08, 2023, 06:16:48 pm »
@libertybele

Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
She asked me name my foe then. I said the need within some men to fight and kill their brothers without thought of Love or God. Ken Hensley

Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #475 on: May 08, 2023, 06:17:59 pm »
@libertybele

Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.

Yes, I've noticed -- and I enjoy your lightheartedness  happy77

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #476 on: May 08, 2023, 06:22:25 pm »
I asked my Dad if my Mother would like a wrist watch for her birthday. He said why, there is a clock on the stove.
You don’t become cooler with age but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way to actually be cool.

Offline mystery-ak

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #477 on: May 08, 2023, 06:38:15 pm »
I asked my Dad if my Mother would like a wrist watch for her birthday. He said why, there is a clock on the stove.

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Offline bigheadfred

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #478 on: May 08, 2023, 06:38:40 pm »
What does “idk” stand for? Everyone I ask says, “I don’t know.”
She asked me name my foe then. I said the need within some men to fight and kill their brothers without thought of Love or God. Ken Hensley

Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #479 on: May 08, 2023, 06:51:04 pm »
What does “idk” stand for? Everyone I ask says, “I don’t know.”


 :laugh:

Offline sneakypete

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #480 on: May 08, 2023, 07:52:50 pm »
I asked my Dad if my Mother would like a wrist watch for her birthday. He said why, there is a clock on the stove.

@Wingnut

Is he out of recovery yet?
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Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #481 on: May 08, 2023, 07:54:34 pm »

Online corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #482 on: May 30, 2023, 09:13:31 am »
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. Each time, the couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #483 on: May 30, 2023, 05:58:37 pm »
I had a lot of pimples. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #484 on: May 30, 2023, 06:02:27 pm »
"My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section."    :silly:

Offline bigheadfred

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #485 on: May 30, 2023, 06:44:12 pm »
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste, mostly.
She asked me name my foe then. I said the need within some men to fight and kill their brothers without thought of Love or God. Ken Hensley

Offline sneakypete

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #486 on: May 30, 2023, 07:10:14 pm »
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste, mostly.

@bigheadfred

I'm gonna have to just take your word on this one,Fred.
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline bigheadfred

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #487 on: May 30, 2023, 07:21:12 pm »
@bigheadfred

I'm gonna have to just take your word on this one,Fred.

Thanks @sneakypete I knew I should have gone with a tasteless joke instead.
She asked me name my foe then. I said the need within some men to fight and kill their brothers without thought of Love or God. Ken Hensley

Offline sneakypete

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #488 on: May 30, 2023, 09:03:00 pm »
Thanks @sneakypete I knew I should have gone with a tasteless joke instead.

@bigheadfred

LOL!
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Offline Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #489 on: May 30, 2023, 09:17:33 pm »
Thanks @sneakypete I knew I should have gone with a tasteless joke instead.
:silly: :silly: :silly:
How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
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Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

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Online corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #490 on: June 03, 2023, 11:16:05 am »
Three friends married women from different branches of the military.
The first man married a woman from the Navy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from the Air Force. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a Woman Marine. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline Kamaji

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #491 on: June 06, 2023, 07:36:29 am »
A former marine sergeant took a job as a high school teacher

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.  The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.  Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence... The rest of the year went very smoothly.

Offline Kamaji

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #492 on: June 06, 2023, 07:38:19 am »
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck

Tech Support Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Online corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #493 on: June 10, 2023, 10:48:47 am »
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'
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Offline sneakypete

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #494 on: June 10, 2023, 11:36:42 am »
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

@corbe

LOL!

I did NOT see that coming.....
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Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #495 on: June 10, 2023, 04:57:41 pm »
Little Funnies (?):

- I'm a big fan of whiteboards.  I find them quite remarkable.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

- I like what farmers wear, overall.

- A boiled egg is hard to beat.

- Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

- She tried to make a chemistry joke but got no reaction.


Offline libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #496 on: June 10, 2023, 05:11:21 pm »

Online Hoodat

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #497 on: June 10, 2023, 05:33:44 pm »
If a political party does not have its foundation in the determination to advance a cause that is right and that is moral, then it is not a political party; it is merely a conspiracy to seize power.     -Dwight Eisenhower-

"The [U.S.] Constitution is a limitation on the government, not on private individuals ... it does not prescribe the conduct of private individuals, only the conduct of the government ... it is not a charter for government power, but a charter of the citizen's protection against the government."     -Ayn Rand-

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #498 on: June 10, 2023, 05:53:36 pm »
That outlet isn't GFCI.

It may be downstream from a GFCI outlet...
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Offline Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #499 on: June 10, 2023, 11:04:21 pm »

Now I understand why it says "Do not use this appliance in the shower" in the hairdryer manual.
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Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

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