« previous next »
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 5 ... 14   Go Down

Author Topic: Humor/Jokes  (Read 72358 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline sneakypete

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 33,766
  • Twitter is for Twits
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #50 on: June 09, 2021, 09:50:28 am »
Logged
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline Texas Robin

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 176
  • Gender: Female
  • Breathe...then go forward
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #51 on: June 09, 2021, 05:45:25 pm »
Quote from: corbe on June 02, 2021, 12:50:42 pm
   Damn @thackney I hope he's OK or recovering well. 
   US OLD MEN heal a lot slower, it seems. I had 15 stitches 8 days ago and just put on jeans for the first time since.  Can't even mow my small yard or drive.

    Thank You @Texas Robin for EVERYTHING!!!!!!



     PS: I'm out of Cherry Bourbon Jell-O Shots.  66666heart
  8888crybaby @corbe I've made Butterscotch scnapps and cranberry jello, not to bad. Then I made cherry jello with coconut voldka and Chambord (dark rasberry liquer - to sip). those turned out real good.  :yowsa: ***magic
Logged
Everything has an expiration date, so make the most of it

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #52 on: June 09, 2021, 05:52:54 pm »


  You are a strange Woman @Texas Robin with your Liquor selections BUT I really enjoy your company, Jell-O shots or not.    :beer:
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online Cyber Liberty

  • Coffee! Donuts! Kittens!
  • Administrator
  • ******
  • Posts: 62,240
  • Gender: Male
  • 🌵🌵🌵
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #53 on: June 09, 2021, 06:00:10 pm »
@corbe @Texas Robin

Yes, the coconut set me off a bit, but it seems to me you are in good hands.  It sounds like all y'all are doing better!
Logged
For unvaccinated, we are looking at a winter of severe illness and death — if you’re unvaccinated — for themselves, their families, and the hospitals they’ll soon overwhelm. Sloe Joe Biteme 12/16
I will NOT comply.
 
Castillo del Cyber Autonomous Zone ~~~~~>                          :dontfeed:

BassWrangler

  • Guest
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #54 on: June 10, 2021, 12:02:39 pm »
Logged

Offline DCPatriot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 47,436
  • Gender: Male
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #55 on: June 10, 2021, 02:12:50 pm »




« Last Edit: June 10, 2021, 02:15:57 pm by DCPatriot »
Logged
"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

The idea that somebody looked at a purple onion and called it a red onion really bothers me.   

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

Offline DCPatriot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 47,436
  • Gender: Male
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #56 on: June 10, 2021, 02:19:21 pm »
Logged
"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

The idea that somebody looked at a purple onion and called it a red onion really bothers me.   

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

BassWrangler

  • Guest
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #57 on: June 10, 2021, 02:44:06 pm »
Logged

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #58 on: June 10, 2021, 04:26:06 pm »
    @DCPatriot



   Stay away from anyone named Booth and don't drive Fords.


Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline DCPatriot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 47,436
  • Gender: Male
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #59 on: June 10, 2021, 04:39:07 pm »
Quote from: corbe on June 10, 2021, 04:26:06 pm
    @DCPatriot



   Stay away from anyone named Booth and don't drive Fords.

@corbe

@truth_seeker  RIP

LOL!

Poor agents' clients are damned sick and tired of being 'Bridesmaids' and never the Bride in these multiple offer situations...which is virtually every circumstance today.

It's emotionally taxing on Realtors. 

That said, it wouldn't hurt to get as much information as you can about your BUYER AGENT in terms as his experience and number of transactions per years, etc..

The more business he/she does, the higher number of other productive agents are familiar with him.

Personally, today, I'd just call the agent on the sign on the front lawn.  The Listing agent is the only person that knows the details of every offer.

You want the damned house.  Give the Listing Agent the chance at both ends in exchange for insider trading information.  LOL!
Logged
"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

The idea that somebody looked at a purple onion and called it a red onion really bothers me.   

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

Offline DCPatriot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 47,436
  • Gender: Male
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #60 on: June 10, 2021, 04:42:03 pm »
@corbe



Oh...but that new Ford Maverick Lariat for under $30K.....NAWWWWWW           22222frying pan
« Last Edit: June 10, 2021, 04:43:55 pm by DCPatriot »
Logged
"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

The idea that somebody looked at a purple onion and called it a red onion really bothers me.   

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #61 on: June 10, 2021, 05:04:11 pm »
   I paid $48K for my house 20 years ago, @DCPatriot  now it's worth $283K.  No one has stepped inside of it to see the renovations I've done to it (no permits ever pulled). 
   The Main problem is that it is gonna cost me twice to buy another fixerupper.  I'll sit low for another year and wait for the Real Estate Market to cool, some.   Am I wrong?
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

BassWrangler

  • Guest
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #62 on: June 10, 2021, 05:28:32 pm »
Quote from: corbe on June 10, 2021, 05:04:11 pm
   I paid $48K for my house 20 years ago, @DCPatriot  now it's worth $283K.  No one has stepped inside of it to see the renovations I've done to it (no permits ever pulled). 
   The Main problem is that it is gonna cost me twice to buy another fixerupper.  I'll sit low for another year and wait for the Real Estate Market to cool, some.   Am I wrong?

Reportedly there are big investment companies buying up homes at up to 150% of "fair market" value now. I'm guessing it's a hedge on inflation. My wife and I were planning a "brexit" from Washington state to escape a growing wave of liberal insanity, but now we're a bit scared we'll get caught in the middle of a real estate crash and take a huge bath.
Logged

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #63 on: June 10, 2021, 05:33:33 pm »
    That makes sense to me @BassWrangler it's possible it's the same azzholes that gave us the CCP Virus.
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline DCPatriot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 47,436
  • Gender: Male
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #64 on: June 10, 2021, 06:50:41 pm »
@corbe


The lower the 30 yr fixed rate, the larger the buyer-pool...ergo, the higher prices and appreciation.

My 40 yr + career ... I thought 5 percent fixed would never show up again...let alone 2.25%  (Yes, I know it's about 2.625% 30 yr fixed today)

My point is that if rates follow the price of everything else, the buyer pool is going to dry up very fast.

My advice is to think in terms of your current monthly payment comfort zone.  Find out what that payment gets you at 2.625%.

Can you find a more exciting lot, floorplan, setting, being able to borrow money at that ridiculously low rate?

IMO, you'd better damned well look real good!    :beer:
Logged
"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

The idea that somebody looked at a purple onion and called it a red onion really bothers me.   

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

BassWrangler

  • Guest
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #65 on: June 10, 2021, 07:23:45 pm »
Quote from: DCPatriot on June 10, 2021, 06:50:41 pm
@corbe


The lower the 30 yr fixed rate, the larger the buyer-pool...ergo, the higher prices and appreciation.

My 40 yr + career ... I thought 5 percent fixed would never show up again...let alone 2.25%  (Yes, I know it's about 2.625% 30 yr fixed today)

My point is that if rates follow the price of everything else, the buyer pool is going to dry up very fast.

My advice is to think in terms of your current monthly payment comfort zone.  Find out what that payment gets you at 2.625%.

Can you find a more exciting lot, floorplan, setting, being able to borrow money at that ridiculously low rate?

IMO, you'd better damned well look real good!    :beer:

Thanks, @DCPatriot - I am thinking we're going to go look at some areas in North Georgia and Tennessee later this year.
Logged

Offline DCPatriot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 47,436
  • Gender: Male
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #66 on: June 10, 2021, 07:51:41 pm »
Quote from: BassWrangler on June 10, 2021, 07:23:45 pm
Thanks, @DCPatriot - I am thinking we're going to go look at some areas in North Georgia and Tennessee later this year.

@BassWrangler

 :beer:
Logged
"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

The idea that somebody looked at a purple onion and called it a red onion really bothers me.   

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

Online Cyber Liberty

  • Coffee! Donuts! Kittens!
  • Administrator
  • ******
  • Posts: 62,240
  • Gender: Male
  • 🌵🌵🌵
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #67 on: June 10, 2021, 08:09:30 pm »
Quote from: BassWrangler on June 10, 2021, 05:28:32 pm
Reportedly there are big investment companies buying up homes at up to 150% of "fair market" value now. I'm guessing it's a hedge on inflation. My wife and I were planning a "brexit" from Washington state to escape a growing wave of liberal insanity, but now we're a bit scared we'll get caught in the middle of a real estate crash and take a huge bath.

I don't know.  BlackRock is the company buying up all the properties (in some cases an entire neighborhood).  They're converting the homes into rentals so nobody can own anything.  All renters.
Logged
For unvaccinated, we are looking at a winter of severe illness and death — if you’re unvaccinated — for themselves, their families, and the hospitals they’ll soon overwhelm. Sloe Joe Biteme 12/16
I will NOT comply.
 
Castillo del Cyber Autonomous Zone ~~~~~>                          :dontfeed:

Offline sneakypete

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 33,766
  • Twitter is for Twits
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #68 on: June 10, 2021, 08:19:57 pm »

@DCPatriot  @corbe  @BassWrangler  @ Cyber Liberty 

Guys,girls,and undecideds.

This is a thread for jokes and humor,not real estate sales or any other subject. Please try to keep it that way.
Logged
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Online Cyber Liberty

  • Coffee! Donuts! Kittens!
  • Administrator
  • ******
  • Posts: 62,240
  • Gender: Male
  • 🌵🌵🌵
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #69 on: June 10, 2021, 08:49:26 pm »
Quote from: sneakypete on June 10, 2021, 08:19:57 pm
@DCPatriot  @corbe  @BassWrangler  @ Cyber Liberty 

Guys,girls,and undecideds.

This is a thread for jokes and humor,not real estate sales or any other subject. Please try to keep it that way.

10-4, Mr. Moderator!

In that light....

There was this fellow, a good man with strong conservative tendencies.  One day, he was at a pet shop where they had a Parrot on sale.  Intrigued, he asked the shop owner about it and why it was so inexpensive.

The Shop owner explained, "Well, I have to be honest with you.  The bird does talk, but he cusses like a Sailor."

The fellow decided that he could deal with it, because it was a beautiful bird.  So he bought the Parrot and took him home.  As expected, as soon as he pulled back the shade on the cage, the Parrot started cussing a pure blue streak...no pulling back!

The man tolerated the cussing Parrot for a few days, but it was getting on his nerves, so when the bird started up, he grabbed it and stuffed it into the pantry.  The screaming got even louder, and even more filthy, so he grabbed the Parrot again and stiffed it into the oven.  Yes, the cussing was even worse and louder.  After a few minutes, he said "Screw it!" and he then crammed the Parrot into the freezer.

Again, much screaming ensued, followed suddenly by a terrible silence.  A long silence.

Worried, the good fellow opened the freezer and the Parrot walked out of the freezer, and said, "Sir, I apologize from the bottom of my heart for my outbursts.  They were rude, and I feel terrible about it.  I promise to be better from now on!"

"By the way, what did the chicken in there do?"
Logged
For unvaccinated, we are looking at a winter of severe illness and death — if you’re unvaccinated — for themselves, their families, and the hospitals they’ll soon overwhelm. Sloe Joe Biteme 12/16
I will NOT comply.
 
Castillo del Cyber Autonomous Zone ~~~~~>                          :dontfeed:

Offline DCPatriot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 47,436
  • Gender: Male
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #70 on: June 10, 2021, 09:10:28 pm »
Quote from: Cyber Liberty on June 10, 2021, 08:49:26 pm
10-4, Mr. Moderator!

In that light....

There was this fellow, a good man with strong conservative tendencies.  One day, he was at a pet shop where they had a Parrot on sale.  Intrigued, he asked the shop owner about it and why it was so inexpensive.

The Shop owner explained, "Well, I have to be honest with you.  The bird does talk, but he cusses like a Sailor."

The fellow decided that he could deal with it, because it was a beautiful bird.  So he bought the Parrot and took him home.  As expected, as soon as he pulled back the shade on the cage, the Parrot started cussing a pure blue streak...no pulling back!

The man tolerated the cussing Parrot for a few days, but it was getting on his nerves, so when the bird started up, he grabbed it and stuffed it into the pantry.  The screaming got even louder, and even more filthy, so he grabbed the Parrot again and stiffed it into the oven.  Yes, the cussing was even worse and louder.  After a few minutes, he said "Screw it!" and he then crammed the Parrot into the freezer.

Again, much screaming ensued, followed suddenly by a terrible silence.  A long silence.

Worried, the good fellow opened the freezer and the Parrot walked out of the freezer, and said, "Sir, I apologize from the bottom of my heart for my outbursts.  They were rude, and I feel terrible about it.  I promise to be better from now on!"

"By the way, what did the chicken in there do?"

@Cyber Liberty    :beer:

@jmyrlefuller   I apologize.   My thinking as wrong as it is, was that we recently took the member's lounge on a little ride recently...no harm done.

Answered a FRiend's question per a ping.  As succintly as possible.

Maybe we should start a category in members only for when members want to pick another member's brain?    :beer:
Logged
"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

The idea that somebody looked at a purple onion and called it a red onion really bothers me.   

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

Offline Sled Dog

  • The Ultimate Weapon: Freedom - I Won't
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,478
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #71 on: June 18, 2021, 01:54:01 am »
Quote from: BassWrangler on June 07, 2021, 05:43:49 pm


Quote
Am I the only one to have to pause to think of the word "cumulus"?

@BassWrangler

Ummmmm.

The first word that popped into my mind started with "cun.....",but I knew right away that one was wrong.
« Last Edit: June 18, 2021, 09:35:05 am by sneakypete »
Logged
The GOP is not the party leadership.  The GOP is the party MEMBERSHIP.   The members need to kick the leaders out if they leaders are going the wrong way.  No coddling allowed.

Offline Gefn

  • "And though she be but little she is fierce"-Shakespeare
  • Cat Mod
  • *****
  • Posts: 15,963
  • Gender: Female
  • Quos Deus Vult Perdere Prius Dementat
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #72 on: June 19, 2021, 08:00:58 am »
@sneakypete
I’m late to the party but congratulations on becoming a moderator. I like this new forum.


I got a joke for you and @corbe

A blonde women goes to see her eye doctor.

Eye doctor asks her, “Good morning. Have your eyes ever been checked”?

“Why no doctor”, she replied. ‘They’ve always been blue”


 :blonde moment:
« Last Edit: June 19, 2021, 08:01:47 am by Gefn »
Logged
G-d bless America. G-d bless us all                                 

Adopt a puppy or kitty from your local shelter
Or an older dog or cat. They're true love❤️

Offline sneakypete

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 33,766
  • Twitter is for Twits
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #73 on: June 19, 2021, 09:00:39 am »
Quote from: Gefn on June 19, 2021, 08:00:58 am
@sneakypete
I’m late to the party but congratulations on becoming a moderator. I like this new forum.


I got a joke for you and @corbe

A blonde women goes to see her eye doctor.

Eye doctor asks her, “Good morning. Have your eyes ever been checked”?

“Why no doctor”, she replied. ‘They’ve always been blue”


 :blonde mom Lient:

@Gefn

LOL!  Like it!
Logged
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #74 on: June 19, 2021, 02:19:38 pm »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #75 on: June 19, 2021, 08:10:04 pm »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online Smokin Joe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 61,710
  • I was a "conspiracy theorist". Now I'm just right.
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #76 on: June 19, 2021, 09:04:18 pm »
Quote from: corbe on June 19, 2021, 08:10:04 pm

I'm gonna have to get ahead of this one and say "Champ didn't hang himself".
Logged
How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #77 on: June 22, 2021, 03:10:27 pm »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #78 on: June 22, 2021, 03:33:19 pm »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #79 on: June 22, 2021, 04:01:54 pm »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline sneakypete

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 33,766
  • Twitter is for Twits
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #80 on: June 22, 2021, 06:20:30 pm »
Quote from: corbe on June 22, 2021, 03:10:27 pm


@corbe

I am thinking I will hit a whole new gear I never even knew I had,one that had me moving so fast my eyes would water.
Logged
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #81 on: June 22, 2021, 08:49:23 pm »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline Lando Lincoln

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 16,280
  • Gender: Male
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #82 on: June 23, 2021, 10:39:18 am »
Male Logic---Flawless

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
Logged
There are some among us who live in rooms of experience we can never enter.
John Steinbeck

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #83 on: June 23, 2021, 01:59:03 pm »
« Last Edit: June 23, 2021, 02:38:07 pm by corbe »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #84 on: June 23, 2021, 02:07:24 pm »
   WTF happened to her?


Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline sneakypete

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 33,766
  • Twitter is for Twits
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #85 on: June 23, 2021, 07:30:55 pm »
Quote from: corbe on June 23, 2021, 02:07:24 pm
   WTF happened to her?




@corbe

Yeah,I ain't buying that as a real birth mark. There is not a female in the world that would run around with that on her neck,visible for everyone to see.
Logged
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #86 on: June 23, 2021, 07:58:22 pm »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #87 on: June 23, 2021, 08:48:12 pm »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #88 on: June 24, 2021, 12:05:38 pm »



Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.

When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your bleep tennis elbow won't get better!

"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

BassWrangler

  • Guest
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #89 on: June 24, 2021, 12:13:26 pm »
Quote from: corbe on June 24, 2021, 12:05:38 pm



Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.

When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your bleep tennis elbow won't get better!

"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"

 :rolling:
Logged

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #90 on: June 24, 2021, 07:39:25 pm »
I finally found my ol Lady's G spot.



         Her Sister had it.
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #91 on: June 24, 2021, 07:53:47 pm »
Bass Pro Shops Announces 2-for-1 Sale On All Nuclear Missiles

June 24th, 2021 - BabylonBee.com



U.S.—In a bit of exciting news for firearms enthusiasts and those who wish to deter their government from becoming tyrannical, Bass Pro Shops has announced that its semi-annual 2-for-1 nuke sale will be kicking off this weekend. Every nuclear weapon in the company's arsenal will be completely free with the purchase of any other nuclear weapon.

<..snip..>

https://babylonbee.com/news/bass-pro-shops-to-hold-2-for-1-nuke-sale
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #92 on: June 24, 2021, 10:17:22 pm »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline sneakypete

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 33,766
  • Twitter is for Twits
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #93 on: June 24, 2021, 11:24:47 pm »
Quote from: corbe on June 24, 2021, 07:39:25 pm
I finally found my ol Lady's G spot.



         Her Sister had it.

@corbe

I wish you the best of luck with that one,as well as a bus ticket out of town immediately. Sisters will get together and turn on you.

Don't ask me how I know this.
Logged
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #94 on: June 29, 2021, 05:45:31 pm »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online Smokin Joe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 61,710
  • I was a "conspiracy theorist". Now I'm just right.
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #95 on: June 30, 2021, 12:40:54 am »
Quote from: corbe on June 29, 2021, 05:45:31 pm

"Will trade for six sheets of 3/4 inch plywood..."

He knows what he has, that's for certain.

(I was pricing building materials tonight.)
Logged
How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Online 240B

  • Lord of all things Orange!
  • TBR Advisory Committee
  • ***
  • Posts: 20,801
  • I refuse to be obstinate!
    • I try my best ...
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #96 on: June 30, 2021, 01:32:36 am »
At an intimate table with my date.
The Maître d'hôtel brought me a pringle.
I sniffed it. Nibbled a bit. Then took a bite.
After a second or two ... thinking ... said I, OK!
Bring us the whole tube.

Logged
You cannot "COEXIST" with people who want to kill you.
If they kill their own with no conscience, there is nothing to stop them from killing you.
Rational fear and anger at vicious murderous Islamic terrorists is the same as irrational antisemitism, according to the Leftists

Offline Gefn

  • "And though she be but little she is fierce"-Shakespeare
  • Cat Mod
  • *****
  • Posts: 15,963
  • Gender: Female
  • Quos Deus Vult Perdere Prius Dementat
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #97 on: June 30, 2021, 08:13:38 am »
Quote from: corbe on June 24, 2021, 10:17:22 pm


Oh gosh @corbe I just blew my morning cup of coffee out of my nose because I was laughing.
Logged
G-d bless America. G-d bless us all                                 

Adopt a puppy or kitty from your local shelter
Or an older dog or cat. They're true love❤️

Offline corbe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34,184
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #98 on: June 30, 2021, 08:55:47 pm »
Logged
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline DCPatriot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 47,436
  • Gender: Male
Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #99 on: July 01, 2021, 11:25:32 am »
Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room
Logged
"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

The idea that somebody looked at a purple onion and called it a red onion really bothers me.   

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 5 ... 14   Go Up
« previous next »