Too much Tinder: Why some single people are experiencing a dating burnout

[roamer_1]

Everyone's tastes are different, which cuts down on the line and the number of wallflowers. That said, some of the nicest women I have met are naturally drop-dead gorgeous, look great with no make-up, and are stunning wearing an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt. [...] That doesn't mean they don't take care of themselves, but that is just part of their nature, and they can be stunning when they pull out the stops, but the personality that shines through is the real light from within that makes them beautiful.
 

@Smokin Joe

Exactly right. Beauty is within... All the rest doesn't really matter.

[Silver Pines]

Everyone's tastes are different, which cuts down on the line and the number of wallflowers. That said, some of the nicest women I have met are naturally drop-dead gorgeous, look great with no make-up, and are stunning wearing an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
The thing is, they don't know they are 'hot' on the level of the gals who work hard to look that way, and for them it isn't a commodity to be traded or an element of their status in their peer group. They are who they are, and looks are incidental, an accident of genetics. That doesn't mean they don't take care of themselves, but that is just part of their nature, and they can be stunning when they pull out the stops, but the personality that shines through is the real light from within that makes them beautiful.
 
Contrast them with those who carefully and cunningly craft a glamorous look, whose raison d'etre is to look good to parlay that into whatever they can get, going well beyond just looking nice as a part of their self respect, to looking 'hot' as a means to a calculated end. They 'got this thing, and they aren't going to let it go cheap'. Such people are often conniving and manipulative, and bring little else to the table other than looks that isn't toxic. 

True beauty is more a personality thing, anyway, the rest is just packaging.

@Smokin Joe, you make some good points, but I would respectfully disagree with your characterization of women fixing themselves up with makeup and clothing as cunning, crafty, and calculated, which are negative connotations.  Women like makeup; it's a feminine thing.  I love it.  Put me in a Sephora store and I can get lost.  There's nothing wrong with that. 

I'm almost always in jeans, and I prefer it that way.  But when the occasion calls for it, oh heck yes, I can pull out the stops....shop for the dress or whatever, the shoes, etc.  I don't have expensive tastes, so I don't spend huge amounts of money.  But though I'm in jeans day to day, I always wear makeup, take care with my hair, have a manicure and pedicure, etc.

Now there are some women who don't care about any of that, which is fine, too.  But their preferences are not morally superior, IMO.

Now, it may be that I misunderstood you and that you're talking about a certain type of woman.  If that's so, you'll correct me.

[Maj. Bill Martin]

@Maj. Bill Martin


She's beautiful to me, and that high maintenance form factor that you espouse doesn't even register. It looks phony to me. Plastic. Lacking in authenticity.

Attractiveness is not necessarily high maintenance, nor does it equate to wearing makeup.  That is kind of my point -- I tend to abhor women (aesthetically) who wear a lot of makeup.  My wife wears little -- none most of the time.  She was raised hunting rabbits, running dogs, and is a very good athlete.  But she's still someone that most men would look at (we're a bit older now) and say "wow".

And of course different guys have different types.  But let's face it, there are good looking country women, and others...less so.   My only point is that attractive women are not necessarily "high maintenance", and not necessarily more likely to be possessed of a rotten personality than anyone else.

[Smokin Joe]

@Smokin Joe, you make some good points, but I would respectfully disagree with your characterization of women fixing themselves up with makeup and clothing as cunning, crafty, and calculated, which are negative connotations.  Women like makeup; it's a feminine thing.  I love it.  Put me in a Sephora store and I can get lost.  There's nothing wrong with that. 

I'm almost always in jeans, and I prefer it that way.  But when the occasion calls for it, oh heck yes, I can pull out the stops....shop for the dress or whatever, the shoes, etc.  I don't have expensive tastes, so I don't spend huge amounts of money.  But though I'm in jeans day to day, I always wear makeup, take care with my hair, have a manicure and pedicure, etc.

Now there are some women who don't care about any of that, which is fine, too.  But their preferences are not morally superior, IMO.

Now, it may be that I misunderstood you and that you're talking about a certain type of woman.  If that's so, you'll correct me.

Yep. You misunderstood. Looking nice to look nice is one thing, and to be commended, whether or not that takes make-up.

But there are those for whom the looks are part and parcel of their reason to exist, who use them as trading stock, not because they are a model or actress, but to parlay those looks into something. I have seen that at every level, from strippers to 'trophy brides', and it is all the same calculating game.
Re-read this, and you will get a look at the type:

...whose raison d'etre is to look good to parlay that into whatever they can get, going well beyond just looking nice as a part of their self respect, to looking 'hot' as a means to a calculated end. They 'got this thing, and they aren't going to let it go cheap'. Such people are often conniving and manipulative, and bring little else to the table other than looks that isn't toxic.

Every woman with any self-respect will do her best with what she has in terms of looks and I applaud that. But that is an expression of her self-respect, wanting to look her best, and not just a means to an end.

[roamer_1]

And of course different guys have different types. 

And in that, the entirety of your argument is lost.

But let's face it, there are good looking country women, and others...less so.   

Barring defect or disfigurement, I think not.

My only point is that attractive women are not necessarily "high maintenance", and not necessarily more likely to be possessed of a rotten personality than anyone else.

Without the 'high maintenance' factor, we are back to defining a standard of 'attractiveness', which your own words deny.

[INVAR]

My wife's brother thinks I'm an oddball because I do not twist my head off my neck to oogle an attractive bouncy woman. Given his infidelities, he thinks it's normal to chase after hot chicks while married.  He is divorced of course and remarried of course.  But he wondered how and why it was that in 30 years of marriage I do not ever 'check out' other women when walking/driving around as he took notice one day.  I told him there are two formulas that always work in my mind when it comes to women:

Number One: the more curvy, attractive and made-up they are - the more nuts they are.  Big eyes, large untethered breasts in skimpy revealing clothing automatically translates in my mind to: "Looking for a man to blame the rest of my entire life on".

Number Two: I love my wife.  We're a perfect fit.   And - most importantly - My wife knows where I sleep and if I was ever dumb enough to cheat on her - she will tell me that I can run, but I will just die tired.

Number Three: One woman is more than enough for one mortal man to handle.  Complicating things further with MORE insanity of multiple women is beyond my capacity to grasp.

I guess some men like torture.

[mirraflake]

@mirraflake


Options to upgrade, huh?  You haven't met enough good-looking women.  You should expand your circle.

I know plenty of beautiful women. Many are very friendly and make great wives.  From my personal experience of 50+ years of friends, clients marriage history,  the very hottest-most beautiful women tend to have a higher than normal divorce rates and the divorce is rarely brought on by the guy.

What I meant by upgrade  is  a very beautiful women can always find  a better guy (more money, looks , social status) and upgrade-move up the social ladder via divorce route. The average women not so much. A wealthy guy with status is not going to marry a average women when hotties are tugging at his pants zipper  and wallet.

I was in a fraternity at a Big 10 school for almost 4 years  The stereotype about sorority girls(stuck up, high maintence, better than everyone else),  is true because stereotypes  usually come from facts. Not all are like this I dated many and still have many of FB as friends from 35 years ago.

@CatherineofAragon

[mirraflake]

But he wondered how and why it was that in 30 years of marriage I do not ever 'check out' other women when walking/driving around as he took notice one day.

I check out, not leer, at hot women and my wife checks out hot guys. She told me not long ago one guy walking toward us was "easy on the eyes".

Both of us know this is as far as it would ever go and trust each other. I know what I have and vica versa.

@INVAR

[Quix]

WONDERFULLY put.

And CONGRATS to both you and your wife.

Thanks.

My wife's brother thinks I'm an oddball because I do not twist my head off my neck to oogle an attractive bouncy woman. Given his infidelities, he thinks it's normal to chase after hot chicks while married.  He is divorced of course and remarried of course.  But he wondered how and why it was that in 30 years of marriage I do not ever 'check out' other women when walking/driving around as he took notice one day.  I told him there are two formulas that always work in my mind when it comes to women:

Number One: the more curvy, attractive and made-up they are - the more nuts they are.  Big eyes, large untethered breasts in skimpy revealing clothing automatically translates in my mind to: "Looking for a man to blame the rest of my entire life on".

Number Two: I love my wife.  We're a perfect fit.   And - most importantly - My wife knows where I sleep and if I was ever dumb enough to cheat on her - she will tell me that I can run, but I will just die tired.

Number Three: One woman is more than enough for one mortal man to handle.  Complicating things further with MORE insanity of multiple women is beyond my capacity to grasp.

I guess some men like torture.

[EC]

My wife's brother thinks I'm an oddball because I do not twist my head off my neck to oogle an attractive bouncy woman.

Meh, I'll still check out the scenery. I'm old, not dead.

[Cripplecreek]

Meh, I'll still check out the scenery. I'm old, not dead.

Yup, I know my limitations.

[Hondo69]

Meh, I'll still check out the scenery. I'm old, not dead.

Late night drunken conversations with my neighbor are typically pretty entertaining and one such conversation came up the other weekend.  What is the proper response when a woman in a low cut top flaunts her assets within a few feet of your nose?

I wouldn't exactly call it a scientific breakdown of the whole scenario because we feel smarter than we really are when tipping a few, but we gave it the good old college try.  Though I'm a bit foggy on the whole conversation the long and short of it was a guy almost needs a flow chart these days to plot the proper reaction.

Staring at the ceiling is childish unless at work, then stare at the ceiling.  It's not 1986 anymore and counting freckles can land you in big trouble.  The grocery store is another trouble spot.  She doesn't really need to bend over that far to read the labels on the soup cans, it's for your benefit.  Smile, move on quickly and leave those comments about "the twins" in your head.

Way down the flow chart somewhere the silicon factor comes into play.  And then you also have to toss age into the equation as well.  When in doubt concerning age counting ceiling tiles is the default option.  There are 42 ceiling tiles in my store.  And if you've ever wondered, "is it cold in here", it's probably not.

All in all the flow chart can get quite complex as you can see.  These are only a few factors in the equation.  I'm just glad I'm not the one programming robots for artificial intelligence, there are some sticky situations where I wouldn't even know where to start.

[EC]

  So true.

[Sanguine]

If You Want To Be Successful, Marry Your Best Friend

    Published on April 11, 2017Featured in: Careers: The Next Level, Student Voices, Your Career

LinkedIn Top Voice | Writer | Interested In Spreading Good Ideas

    “For all the productivity and success advice I’ve read, shaped and marketed for dozens of authors in the last decade, I’ve never really seen someone come out and say: find yourself a spouse who complements and supports you and makes you better.” - Ryan Holiday

When it comes to success, we live in a very individualized culture that likes to emphasize the importance of being independent and self-reliant.

These beliefs are especially very common within relationships. You grow up hearing all the time that you’re in charge of your future, that you shouldn’t depend on other people, and that you’re in charge of your happiness.

If you depend on your partner, then you’re told you’re needy and that you should learn to develop yourself to be a more independent person.

However...

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/you-want-successful-marry-your-best-friend-vincent-carlos

[jmyrlefuller]

Internet advice is like manure: everyone has some, and it usually stinks.

Yeah, marrying your best friend is nice, if she doesn't put you in the friendzone. The fact is, it's more complicated than that. There has to be some sort of chemistry, some sort of attraction (a seemingly inherent quality that I must lack, hence my current state).

[Sanguine]

Internet advice is like manure: everyone has some, and it usually stinks.

Yeah, marrying your best friend is nice, if she doesn't put you in the friendzone. The fact is, it's more complicated than that. There has to be some sort of chemistry, some sort of attraction (a seemingly inherent quality that I must lack, hence my current state).

Jmyrle, you're usually such a clear thinker; this one seems to have you bumfuzzled.

So - 1) the internet is just a medium.  You can find pretty much anything on it. To refer to "internet advice" is similar to saying "ballpoint advice" or "fountain pen advice". 
2) Friendzone - no, that's not what this article is talking about.  The friendzone is where he/she is not interested in you sexually but wants to keep you around (and in spite of knowing that that's not a fair thing to do).
3) Take in a lot of information, sort through it, throw out the definitively bad and see what you can glean from what is left over. 

[Silver Pines]

Internet advice is like manure: everyone has some, and it usually stinks.

Yeah, marrying your best friend is nice, if she doesn't put you in the friendzone. The fact is, it's more complicated than that. There has to be some sort of chemistry, some sort of attraction (a seemingly inherent quality that I must lack, hence my current state).

@jmyrlefuller
@Sanguine

I don't think the author is saying marry someone with whom you have an entirely platonic relationship, though.  It seems to me---and I could be wrong---that he advocates marrying someone you can develop a real, close, solid bond with, and someone who understands you, as opposed to marrying for sexual attraction alone.

I get that.  If my husband and I weren't married, we'd be best friends. 

[roamer_1]

Internet advice is like manure: everyone has some, and it usually stinks.

Yeah, marrying your best friend is nice, if she doesn't put you in the friendzone. The fact is, it's more complicated than that. There has to be some sort of chemistry, some sort of attraction (a seemingly inherent quality that I must lack, hence my current state).

Ahh... I see where you're going with this.
No farting on dates... They all seem to frown upon it. 

[Maj. Bill Martin]

Yeah, marrying your best friend is nice, if she doesn't put you in the friendzone. The fact is, it's more complicated than that. There has to be some sort of chemistry, some sort of attraction (a seemingly inherent quality that I must lack, hence my current state).

It is not as much an "inherent" quality as you might think.  It can be developed and change significantly over time.  Not only do each one of us change, but the qualities that many in the opposite sex are seeking change over time as well.

If there is anything about yourself that you don't like, or think may be less than appealing to the other sex, work on that first.

[Cripplecreek]

@jmyrlefuller
@Sanguine

I don't think the author is saying marry someone with whom you have an entirely platonic relationship, though.  It seems to me---and I could be wrong---that he advocates marrying someone you can develop a real, close, solid bond with, and someone who understands you, as opposed to marrying for sexual attraction alone.

I get that.  If my husband and I weren't married, we'd be best friends.

In my case I have a close 40+ year relationship with my friend. Its not that there is no sexual attraction, only that after all of these years its not an end all be all part of a relationship. We've got a deeper relationship than many married couples will ever have.  We've had our fights over the years and seen each other at our best and worst but still remain close.

[Idaho_Cowboy]

Internet advice is like manure: everyone has some, and it usually stinks.

Yeah, marrying your best friend is nice, if she doesn't put you in the friendzone. The fact is, it's more complicated than that. There has to be some sort of chemistry, some sort of attraction (a seemingly inherent quality that I must lack, hence my current state).

I'd saying the liking and the ability to work together rates higher than romance in the long run; at least from a guy's perspective. All the components are already there, they just haven't been assembled. My wife and I were friends at work before we started dating. Romance between folks that don't like each other is great till it runs out of gas.

Women are not joking when they say they want a guy with a sense of humor. Just my observation, but the ability to have humor when things aren't going right is a yuge part of that. They don't mean they want a guy who always yucks it up, but lighthearted and willing to roll with the punches. Think Dirk Pitt, or James Bond.

P.S. Liking and enjoying working with the person you marry is invaluable when you have kids. It just makes life a lot more enjoyable.

[Idaho_Cowboy]

Jmyrle, you're usually such a clear thinker; this one seems to have you bumfuzzled.

So - 1) the internet is just a medium.  You can find pretty much anything on it. To refer to "internet advice" is similar to saying "ballpoint advice" or "fountain pen advice". 
2) Friendzone - no, that's not what this article is talking about.  The friendzone is where he/she is not interested in you sexually but wants to keep you around (and in spite of knowing that that's not a fair thing to do).
3) Take in a lot of information, sort through it, throw out the definitively bad and see what you can glean from what is left over.

Bumfuzzled. I've never heard that before. I'll have to remember it. 

More general advice for those still chasing a woman:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBQ01X-1AlI

[mirraflake]

The fact is, it's more complicated than that. There has to be some sort of chemistry, some sort of attraction (a seemingly inherent quality that I must lack, hence my current state).

True, but after the lust of early romance and looks fade  being best friends is what keeps the marriage together. .  I met my wife 3-4  days before our first date so i did not know her at all. We were best friend before marriage, our friendship  having developed during two years of dating

Even if she drags me to an event I have no interest in I just get a kick out of  being with her...that is true friends.

@jmyrlefuller

[Silver Pines]

In my case I have a close 40+ year relationship with my friend. Its not that there is no sexual attraction, only that after all of these years its not an end all be all part of a relationship. We've got a deeper relationship than many married couples will ever have.  We've had our fights over the years and seen each other at our best and worst but still remain close.

@Cripplecreek

I think you'd make a great couple, from the sound of it. 

[Cripplecreek]

@Cripplecreek

I think you'd make a great couple, from the sound of it.

We drove to Texas together when I was 21 and she was 18. We went and stayed at her older brother's house for a few weeks.