Too much Tinder: Why some single people are experiencing a dating burnout

[Maj. Bill Martin]

You make the faulty assumption that someone like that is guaranteed to exist. It's not.

As the old Stephen Stills song goes, "if you can't be with...one you love, love the one you're with."

If you're living in an area with too few single women...then move.  I'm sure that would be a huge hassle and inconvenience, and you'd have to find a job and everything, but...

You keep talking about how unhappy you are at being unable to find a woman, and how you feel it is an important part of existence.  I agree with what others have said about finding other outlets, but if it is really that important to you, then quit complaining, and make the change.

I was on active duty, in my late 20's, and single.  I was going to be sent to a duty station for 3 years where my chances of meeting a woman would have been very low (Adak, Alaska), so I turned it down and took another assignment that put me in a different location near D.C..  I probably would have liked that other assignment better except for the lack of women, but as it turned out, I ended up meeting someone and getting married.  So it worked out because I made a change that emphasized something important to me.

[Sanguine]

If you're living in an area with too few single women...then move.  I'm sure that would be a huge hassle and inconvenience, and you'd have to find a job and everything, but...

You keep talking about how unhappy you are at being unable to find a woman, and how you feel it is an important part of existence.  I agree with what others have said about finding other outlets, but if it is really that important to you, then quit complaining, and make the change.

I was on active duty, in my late 20's, and single.  I was going to be sent to a duty station for 3 years where my chances of meeting a woman would have been very low (Adak, Alaska), so I turned it down and took another assignment that put me in a different location near D.C..  I probably would have liked that other assignment better except for the lack of women, but as it turned out, I ended up meeting someone and getting married.  So it worked out because I made a change that emphasized something important to me.

I agree. And, most people can sense when your priorities are confused; when you say X is important but you do Y.  Makes people nervous about you.

[Maj. Bill Martin]

And yet, to start a relationship these days, you need to show all the signs of material wealth. Money, big truck, house, etc.

Funny, but I know plenty of guys without any of that, who find someone.  Now if someone is a Sleestak-looking guy and wants someone who looks like Jennifer Lawrence, then yes, you're probably going to need a lot of money, multiple big trucks, and houses.  But if you're an ordinary guy not trying to punch out of your weight class, you can find someone who doesn't demand all that.

The one piece of advice I can give for guys that haven't dated much is that it is easy to undervalue certain women.  If you haven't dated much, then looks matter more. Once you've been around the block a few times, you start to learn how to spot the other qualities that really matter more.  I can absolutely guarantee you that there are women out there in their 20's and 30's absolutely desperate to find a decent guy, and they're not looking for someone with a lot of money, or who that looks like Brat Pitt.  I know some myself who fit into that category.  But you have to get to place where the numbers are greater, the opportunities to mingle are better, so you can start getting good at finding them. 

[Idiot]

I am poor as a church mouse, yet I am doing alright. Any woman that is looking for those things ain't worth going after.

Truer words never spoken.....

[Idaho_Cowboy]

And yet, to start a relationship these days, you need to show all the signs of material wealth. Money, big truck, house, etc.

Not with the good ones. Do not believe country music.

[Maj. Bill Martin]

I agree. And, most people can sense when your priorities are confused; when you say X is important but you do Y.  Makes people nervous about you.

Yup.  And an attitude of "my life is worthless if I can't reproduce" is going to (rightfully) send a lot of women running for the hills, even if it isn't stated openly.  The clear suggestion is that life -- just living itself -- can't be enjoyable, fun or worthwhile.  And who wants to be with someone who has that dark a view of life?  Women want a guy who will listen to them, enjoy being with them, and (big bonus here) can make them laugh if possible.  You have to want a girl for her, not just because of her ability to bear children.  And if you married someone, and something happened so that you couldn't have children...do you simply toss her aside?

Heck, even dirty 'ol lust has its place.  And a good thing, too!

[Victoria33]

And yet, to start a relationship these days, you need to show all the signs of material wealth. Money, big truck, house, etc.

@jmyrlefuller

Generally speaking, if you can support yourself, not be a drain on the woman to support you, that is all that is necessary to the perspective companion.

[thackney]

And yet, to start a relationship these days, you need to show all the signs of material wealth. Money, big truck, house, etc.

Change your attitude.  Be absolutely grateful those that value material wealth over a good companion are up front about it.  You don't end up wasting dollars and most importantly, time, on them.

[Free Vulcan]

So, short of basically uprooting my whole life and starting over somewhere else, I don't have much hope.

Upstate small town New York has got to be a tough place to find someone. If it's anything like most rural small towns, you're locked into a caste from birth, then there's the cliques within that caste, and it's not exactly a free pool swim. Few will marry outside their familiarity circle. Let's not forget this is the northeast, where people are colder to begin with.

The ones that don't play that game generally leave. You may have to seriously look at uprooting and moving to a larger city. Maybe down South. That sucks yes, but in the long run it may be worth it as the quantity and even quality may rise.

And while children are important, marry for companionship and certainly love. The kids will follow, most women want them. Marry the person, not the goals, dreams, agenda, or wishlist.

[truth_seeker]

We married as teenagers, because we were engaged and she got pregnant.

Everybody was skeptical, and the odds were it would soon fail. Got married, baby born, six months later drafted. Lived in Germany, drove all over Europe including a visit to her family in Italy.

Came back, finished college, had a separation for just a few weeks around 4 years of marriage. My fault. 

God willing next January will celebrate 50 years of marriage. Just about to leave the house together and take a 4 mile walk together. We both have our own lives, and we do things together too.

We will probably go to the movies tomorrow night, to see "Going in Style."

Won't volunteer much advice, since there is already plenty of that on the interwebs. But look to the family of your prospect. That is where they got genes and more. Drug and alcohol abuse runs in families, for example.

[mirraflake]

You make the faulty assumption that someone like that is guaranteed to exist. It's not.

Finding a lover is guaranteed. If Honey Bo Bo' mom can find a guy, anyone can find a mate. I have seen numerous mug ugly people-truly hideous in the face find love and marriage. You mentioned no gal responds to your ping on dating sites. Stop going after 9's and 10's get realistic based upon your looks.

Mostly what it comes down to is laziness if people cannot find a romance-you have to put major, major effort into finding a mate and not waiting for GOD to send you  one. God wants you to get off your a** and get out and meet people.

All the men/women I have known over the years who have lost a mate due to death or divorce and then found someone else  put major effort  into it. It is the equivelant of hunting for a job. A male friend of mine was divorced few years back. He joined a gym, did volunteer work, went to numerous social functions, made it known he was looking for a new lover, anything he could to get his face out there and he eventually found  a new squeeze.

[mirraflake]

The best advice of all is to never take advice from someone on the internet.

I have been married 20 years, never divorced, still have a great marriage yet single people on the internet who are middle aged listen to other single, never married  people for advice.

[mirraflake]

And yet, to start a relationship these days, you need to show all the signs of material wealth. Money, big truck, house, etc.

LOL half the women in my town are married or  living with unemployed loser men. My wife just SHH when her female friends who are educated, nice job, lot going for them starts dating losers.

@jmyrlefuller

[Maj. Bill Martin]

Finding a lover is guaranteed. If Honey Bo Bo' mom can find a guy, anyone can find a mate.

No, the real miracle is that the guy she found, managed to find a woman.



And real eye-opener is that she left him because he was cheating on her with someone else.

Mostly what it comes down to is laziness if people cannot find a romance-you have to put effort into finding a mate and not waiting for GOD to send you  one. God wants you to get off your a** and get out and meet people.  All the men/women I have known over the years who have lost a mate due to death or divorce and then found someone else  put major effort  into it. It is the equivelant of hunting for a job. A male friend of mine was divorced few years back. He joined a gym, did volunteer work, went to numerous social functions, made it known he was looking for a new lover and he found  a new squeeze.

 

They're not just going to fall into your lap without effort.  It's like anything else -- you have to put the effort into making yourself as marketable as possible.

[mirraflake]

.  I can absolutely guarantee you that there are women out there in their 20's and 30's absolutely desperate to find a decent guy, and they're not looking for someone with a lot of money, or who that looks like Brat Pitt. 

A+++ 

Here is the simple facts what women looking for, it's not a major secret.

Ambition, confidence, takes care of their body-good grooming, humor and reasonable looks-don't have to be Brad Pitt.

Every women I know said a guy with no confidence and ambition  is a ovary shrinker and dead in the water even if they look like Brad Pitt.

@Maj. Bill Martin

[mirraflake]

They're not just going to fall into your lap without effort.  It's like anything else -- you have to put the effort into making yourself as marketable as possible.

The guy I said who was divorced would tell women he knew socially who were married or just friends  he was looking for a relationship.  Numerous ones would say, "You know I have a friend you should meet". Sometimes it worked out sometimes it didn't.

As you said you have to market yourself.



@Maj. Bill Martin

[Maj. Bill Martin]

We used to have an expression regarding how to get new clients -- "play in traffic."  Which meant you have to get out into the community, get involved, meet people, etc..  Even developing more social relationships can eventually lead to new business that you did not foresee.

As you point out, it's the same with dating.  If you're just sitting at home by yourself, your odds stink.  Get out, join a club, volunteer, do something.  It is amazing how often other people will try to hook up a single person they believe is worthwhile. But you've got to get out and mingle with other people as a human being, and it takes time.  Results are never instantaneous, and the mere fact that you are getting out and doing more things socially will actually make you a more interesting person for someone else to meet.

[jmyrlefuller]

A+++ 

Here is the simple facts what women looking for, it's not a major secret.

Ambition, confidence, takes care of their body-good grooming, humor and reasonable looks-don't have to be Brad Pitt.

Every women I know said a guy with no confidence and ambition  is a ovary shrinker and dead in the water even if they look like Brad Pitt.

@Maj. Bill Martin

What a hoot. What reason do I have to be confident when I'm constantly getting rejected?

[jmyrlefuller]

The guy I said who was divorced would tell women he knew socially who were married or just friends  he was looking for a relationship.  Numerous ones would say, "You know I have a friend you should meet". Sometimes it worked out sometimes it didn't.

As you said you have to market yourself.

I'm  seriously trying, yet not one of my friends has recommended anyone, and I go out, and there's no one, literally, out there.

I'm sorry. This is why I don't like talking or thinking about this topic, because it just sends me into this extreme spiral of frustration, and I know no one wants to date someone who thinks like this. But my experience tells me that's just how it is, until someone has the fortitude to willingly come into my life and prove me wrong (and believe me, I'd LOVE to be proven wrong). Unless that happens, it's probably better that I just stay single and try to find peace.

[DB]

And yet, to start a relationship these days, you need to show all the signs of material wealth. Money, big truck, house, etc.

If that's the case, you're looking in the wrong places.

[Sanguine]

I'm  seriously trying, yet not one of my friends has recommended anyone, and I go out, and there's no one, literally, out there.

I'm sorry. This is why I don't like talking or thinking about this topic, because it just sends me into this extreme spiral of frustration, and I know no one wants to date someone who thinks like this. But my experience tells me that's just how it is, until someone has the fortitude to willingly come into my life and prove me wrong (and believe me, I'd LOVE to be proven wrong). Unless that happens, it's probably better that I just stay single and try to find peace.

@jmyrlefuller, there's been some good and consistent advice on this thread and you chose to disregard it.  Again - you chose.   

[mirraflake]

What a hoot. What reason do I have to be confident when I'm constantly getting rejected?

Confident in life and your job not just asking for  date. Women hate whiners and complainers.

You are getting rejected for 3 reasons and only 3 reasons.

1. You are asking out girls out your league Example: You are  a 5 asking a 10 out for  date. Ain't going to happen.
2. You are saying something that creeps them out so bad they run away
3. Your personality is so bad it's cringeworthy

I told you what I would do last year when this was brought up.  Ask a very close female friend, not male,  what you are doing to drive girls away and rejecting you.

@jmyrlefuller

@Sanguine

[Silver Pines]

I'm  seriously trying, yet not one of my friends has recommended anyone, and I go out, and there's no one, literally, out there.

I'm sorry. This is why I don't like talking or thinking about this topic, because it just sends me into this extreme spiral of frustration, and I know no one wants to date someone who thinks like this. But my experience tells me that's just how it is, until someone has the fortitude to willingly come into my life and prove me wrong (and believe me, I'd LOVE to be proven wrong). Unless that happens, it's probably better that I just stay single and try to find peace.

@jmyrlefuller

You're catching it from all sides and I don't want to pile on.   And I don't want to minimize your frustration.  Like I said upthread, I remember feeling the same way, even though I was seeing two guys, neither seriously.  I wanted something deeper, and I came close to taking a break from dating entirely.

But I didn't.  I went on one last date.  And that one turned out to be the charm.  It's never too late, and your person could come along at any time, when you least expect it.  Sounds trite, but it's true.

I don't personally agree that you're striking out because you're going after women that are too good-looking.  Look, your pic is your icon, and you're a good-looking guy.  But even if you weren't, have you noticed couples lately?  If you're judging on appearance, mismatched ones are all over the place...really handsome guys with plainer women, and pretty women with less attractive men.

My husband's sister is a gorgeous woman, and after her divorce from her abusive husband, she got into a relationship with a man who wasn't exactly a beauty himself.  But she adored him.  She asked me what I thought of him, and said a friend told her they didn't "match."  "He might not be pretty, but he's such a MAN," she told me.

You can't let a dark or negative state of mind come across to women you meet...and desperation is deadly.  Maybe you could work on relaxing, on pulling back a bit from being so grimly invested in meeting someone right now.  If you can get into a more peaceful mindset, relax, and keep yourself out there, I really think things might change.

It is absolutely not too late.

[Free Vulcan]

I'm  seriously trying, yet not one of my friends has recommended anyone, and I go out, and there's no one, literally, out there.

I'm sorry. This is why I don't like talking or thinking about this topic, because it just sends me into this extreme spiral of frustration, and I know no one wants to date someone who thinks like this. But my experience tells me that's just how it is, until someone has the fortitude to willingly come into my life and prove me wrong (and believe me, I'd LOVE to be proven wrong). Unless that happens, it's probably better that I just stay single and try to find peace.

The other thing I would add, if you are a Christian - be where God wants you to be and doing whats He wants you to do. If that means where you are at, or moving, then be there. Don't be focused on getting the woman or not, be where you're supposed to be. If you are in the right place, then relationship status becomes secondary. If it happens it happens, if it don't it don't, but you are at least in the right place. If you aren't in the right place, that person will never come along. If you are, then you know that they won't be. Makes it a little easier to know it's not something you're doing.

[Gefn]

Being 5 feet tall, I've had amazing luck in the pet food isle. My kitties favorite food has always been on the top shelf and I can never reach it.