Bureaucrats Execute Squirrel & Raccoon
In the weekend before the November 5 elections, the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation (DEC) sent a SWAT team to raid the home of Mark Longo and his wife Daniela. The couple run a nonprofit wildlife sanctuary wildlife sanctuary in New York State called P'Nut's Freedom Farm. Seven years ago, the Longos rescued an injured squirrel that they named P'Nut. P'Nut, and later Fred the raccoon, became internet sensations on Instagram and TikTok. A self-described Biden supporter from Texas saw these animals on TikTok and lodged a complaint with New York state authorities.
Mark and Daniela were kept outside for five hours while their house and sanctuary were ransacked and trashed. P'Nut bit one of the officers manhandling him and had to be killed "in self-defense." Fred was also killed as a precaution against an additional bite.
A spokesperson for DEC explained "the Longos didn't have a permit for their sanctuary. They had been cheating the state out of the fees due for seven years. They probably would've gotten away with it if they hadn't put these animals on TikTok. They're lucky it was only two animals that got killed during the raid."
On November 4, Donald Trump Jr. used the tragic fate of P'Nut and Fred as a final argument for electing his father, saying "our government will let 16,000 rapists, 13,000 murderers, and 600,000 other criminals across our border, but if someone has a pet squirrel without a permit, they'll go in there and kill the squirrel."
Republican nominee for vice-president Sen. JD Vance (Ohio) suggested that "Democrats may have murdered the Elon Musk of squirrels? Have you seen the videos of this squirrel? He's a genius! Well, he was, before he was needlessly killed by cruel bureaucrats."
Biden Blames Ouster
In post-election remarks, a remarkably upbeat President Biden took his Party's loss a lot better than many of his fellow Democrats, saying "we accept the choice the country made. You can't love your country only when you win. You can't love your neighbor only when you agree. Something I hope we can do, no matter who you voted for, is to see each other, not as adversaries, but as fellow travelers on the road of life."
"Looking at the election returns we see that Vice-President Kamala Harris got 10 million fewer votes than I did," Biden boasted. "There wasn't a single state in which she got more votes than I did and only a few small towns where she did. She ran a well-financed campaign and had more media support than I did in 2020. I got 81 million votes--more than any other person in any previous election--using a low profile campaign. Rather than staying with a proven winner, Party leaders decided to push me aside after one bad debate. Without my coattails Democrats also lost the majority in the Senate and fell short of retaking a majority in the House."
In related news, Vice-President Harris told her young supporters "it is okay to feel sad and disappointed, but please know it's going to be okay. This is not the end of our democracy. I know I told you that Trump is a fascist, but he isn't the first fascist to be elected president of the United States. Our country has survived Nixon, Reagan, and Bush. It will survive Trump."
Obama Blames Economy
Former President Barrack Obama blamed "a worldwide economic stagnation that disproportionately afflicted progressive regimes. Green initiatives focusing on public investment in environmentally friendly technologies failed to live up to expectations. Wherever they were tried goods became more scarce and prices rose. While us enlightened and unselfish folks are willing to pay whatever it takes to rescue the climate, the uneducated and greedy folks who aren't willing to pay voted for Trump."
"The great tragedy is that the price controls, higher taxes, and subsidies that Vice-President Kamala Harris would've implemented had she won now won't even be attempted while Trump is in charge," he lamented. "When he leaves office in 2029 the climate may have gone past the point of no return. In this respect, her reassurance that everything will be okay will prove incorrect. The world may not survive Trump."
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre echoed Obama's take, saying "there were global headwinds because of the COVID-19 pandemic. That took a political toll, on many incumbents, if you look at what happened in 2024 globally. People chafed under the restrictions placed on them for their own good. They resented losing their jobs or businesses, being forced to submit to vaccinations they didn't want, and having to do with less so immigrants could escape poverty. The United States wasn't the only place where science lost out to ignorance. Our only consolation is that those who voted for Trump will suffer with the rest of us."
NY Times Blames Voters
The editors of the New York Times blamed "voters who failed to see how serious a threat Donald Trump is to our democracy. They will now reap the whirlwind of the despotism they have empowered as Trump moves to censor and imprison those who disagree with him. Hopefully, they will grow to realize that the freedom and prosperity they have chosen for America is an inadequate substitute for the unity and equity lost by abandoning the vision bestowed upon us by former President Obama."
CNN pundit Scott Jennings pointed out that "Democrats have already used the FBI to threaten social media into censoring folks who disagreed with their policies and imprison others for protesting. The despotism that the Times predicts will come from Trump has already been put into action by the politicians they endorsed. Electing Trump is the revenge of regular working-class Americans, the anonymous Americans who have been crushed, insulted, condescended to. They're not garbage, they're not Nazis. They're just regular people who get up and go to work every day and are trying to make a better life for their kids, and they feel like they have been told to just shut up when they have complained about the things that are hurting them in their own lives."
MSNBC contributor and former Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo) said "I am skeptical of the Times' hope that those who voted for Trump would ever come to appreciate the Obama vision. These voters are angry that Democrats made such a hash of everything during the Biden term. They're angry that this country's elites were allowed to bypass the pandemic restrictions imposed on ordinary people. They're angry that their taxes were wasted on giveaways to Democratic Party cronies for inefficient solar and wind energy scams. They're angry that their safety has been reduced by the entry of so many criminals and dangerous drugs through our southern border. They're angry that they are being forced to pay for the college debt of others. They're angry that they had no say on who would get the Democrat nomination for president. These legitimate grievances cannot be assuaged by the grandiose dreams of the progressive elite of the Democratic Party."
Trump Prosecutions Will Be Dropped
Special counsel Jack Smith said "now that the election is over we will move to drop the federal cases against former President Donald Trump. These were crap cases to begin with. We might've won in a venue with a carefully selected jury, but neither the classified documents case nor the attempt to overturn the 2020 election case could have withstood the scrutiny of the higher courts."
"Others with more egregious mishandling of classified documents have not been prosecuted," Smith admitted. "Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton kept classified documents on an unsecured personal computer and deliberately destroyed evidence after receiving a subpoena. President Biden kept classified documents in his garage. If these greater offenses were excused it would be unjust for Trump to be held to a higher standard."
"Challenging the outcome of an election may be a futile undertaking, but it is not, per se, illegal," Smith acknowledged. "In the 2000 presidential election Vice-President Al Gore filed suit demanding a partial recount in the state of Florida. It went to the US Supreme Court where it was ultimately rejected. No federal charges were levied against Gore for his efforts to overturn the outcome in Florida. In 2020 Trump filed suit in several states challenging the validity of the results. All these cases were adjudicated and rejected. No charges were levied against Trump until it became clear that he intended to run for the presidency in the 2024 election. Since the hope that our prosecutions would deter his election have failed there's no good reason to pursue them any further."
In related news, New York Attorney General Letitia James vowed "to continue my efforts to bring Trump down. I made this promise to voters when I ran for and won reelection in 2022. Earlier this year a jury found him guilty of real estate fraud and presiding judge Arthur Engoron ordered Trump to pay a fine of $364 million and forfeit the right to do business in the state. The people of New York need protection against this monster. I intend to see that they get it." The oddity of this case is that the loans Trump obtained were paid back with interest. No one lost any money. The lenders were satisfied with the transactions. The penalties have been appealed to a higher court with a decision expected sometime after the November 5 election. It is unknown how or whether Trump's election will affect this verdict.
Schumer Begs for Bipartisanship
Now that the Republicans have regained a majority in the US Senate, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is urging them "to embrace bipartisanship. I realize this may be hard after we branded them as racists, misogynists, fascists and Nazis, but I want to remind them that this is what we say about Republicans in every election. It's just a political ploy that didn't work this time. It is not an accurate portrayal of our true feelings about our friends across the aisle."
"Sure, there are some hard-core right-wing senators, but there are many more who helped us ensure that necessary spending was achieved to continue to fund the war in Ukraine, fund the green economy, pay for all the Covid vaccinations, and sustain the transfer payments needed to support those unable or unwilling to support themselves," he pointed out. "Remember, unlike Trump, senators in both the Democratic and Republican Parties depend heavily on corporate donations to fund our reelection campaigns. This shared dependency should enable us to resist any Trump initiatives that would hurt our donors' interests."
Democrat Party strategist Julie Roginsky said "smoothing over the differences between the Parties won't be as simple as Sen. Schumer imagines. Democrats are not the party of common sense. We don't know how to speak to voters. Our 'politically correct' way of thinking makes voters think that we don't even live on the same planet as they do. Whether we are excusing street riots or students trashing a university and preventing other students from learning it's unacceptable. It's not how normal people think and we'll continue to lose unless we change."
