Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: Best of 2018, Part 2  (Read 688 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline John Semmens

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 599
  • Gender: Male
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: Best of 2018, Part 2
« on: January 01, 2019, 06:34:03 pm »
May 6

Schumer Opposes "Taxpayers Right to Know Act"

The "Taxpayers Right to Know Act" has been passed several times by the US House of Representatives, but has been unable to get to a vote in the Senate due to the 60-vote requirement to end filibusters against it. The Bill would require federal agencies to report on how much programs cost and how effective they have been.

While the Bill, sponsored by Sens. James Lankford (R-Okla) and Claire McCaskill, (D-Mo), has bipartisan support, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) vowed to block the legislation calling it "unfeasible and unfair. Look, our government has grown too big to be accurately measured in any way. Expenditures in the billions and trillions are beyond the capacity of voters to absorb. Whether they have been effective or not is a judgment call best left to the hardworking government employees who manage these programs."

Schumer expressed his "fear that this information could be used to cancel programs people have become dependent upon. Just because the costs seem inordinately high or the results extraordinarily meager doesn't mean that real people wouldn't be hurt by the elimination, reduction, or reform of programs whose metrics indicate a bad return on our investment."

"And let's not forget that even a wasteful program still employs thousands of government employs to administer it," the Senator reminded. "Shifting funds elsewhere or giving taxpayers back more of their money would have traumatic impacts on these employees. Is it humane or ethical for us to consider inflicting these punishments just to save a little money? I think the kind of information this legislation would put into the hands of voters could ignite consequences I, for one, shudder to contemplate."

May 13

FBI "Mole" Inside Trump Campaign Justified

With Congress on the verge of holding the US Department of Justice and the FBI in contempt for repeated refusals to provide unredacted documents related to the Agency's efforts to spy on the Republican presidential campaign and Administration, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein ardently defended the action.

"Unredacting these documents would permit members of Congress to discover the methods and the identities of Agency personnel and outside parties who participated in this vital operation," Rosenstein alleged. "This would have a 'chilling' effect on future operations of a similar nature and, as such, would pose a severe limitation on our power to protect this country from being taken over by hostile forces."

"Since the executive branch is currently controlled by what most experienced government personnel regard as a hostile force, it essential that the information requested by Congress remain secret," the Deputy asserted. "Let me remind everyone that the danger to our government is so severe that a Special Counsel was expressly appointed by me as a last gasp effort to undo the error made by voters in 2016. It would make no sense for me to uncloak the documents requested by Congress just when the Special Counsel is closing in on the usurper-in-chief. I am only carrying out the responsibilities handed to me by Attorney General Sessions when he so judiciously recused himself from the investigation more than a year ago."

May 20

Operation Crossfire Hurricane Exposed

The Obama Administration's Director of National Intelligence James Clapper called the CIA's and FBI's covert and illegal spying on the Trump campaign and administration "fully justified. With a threat as palpable as that posed by Trump we wouldn't want the agencies set up to protect this country to idly sit by just because they don't have enough evidence to persuade a judge to issue a warrant. Besides, too many individuals would be involved in the process of trying to obtain a warrant that we couldn't guarantee the type of air-tight security necessary to achieve the best possible results. Leaks could've outed the spy and compromised the entire Crossfire Hurricane operation. James Bond doesn't rely on warrants. That's why he's always successful at neutralizing threats."

Clapper lamented the absence of any useful intelligence from the operation, saying that "Special Counsel Mueller's job would've been a lot easier if we'd been able to find something, anything, that clearly implicated Trump engaging in collusion with the Russians. But just because this operation was a 'dry hole' doesn't mean it served no useful purpose. FBI agents were able to plant information on a few peripheral players in the Trump campaign that was ultimately used to get a warrant to monitor phone and email communications that may yet prove instrumental in the effort to unseat Trump."

The former DNI Director brushed aside the issue of bias. "In hindsight it might have made for better optics if we had also placed spies within the Clinton campaign," he admitted. "The emergence of evidence that her campaign funded the Russian dossier written by Christopher Steele makes it look like we played favorites. In our own defense, though, Clinton was considered trustworthy. Comey publicly declined to press charges for her email abuses and everyone was confident she would win. So we felt why waste effort just for show?"

"We must not allow the failure of this one covert operation to poison the reputation of the FBI specifically or the 17 different federal intelligence agencies that are working tirelessly to protect this country from hostile entities," Clapper warned. "Elections are always a gamble. There's no guarantee that the person who should win will win—as we saw in 2016. We want the American people to know that we've got their back—that we're willing to do what it takes to ensure the correct election outcome and, if that fails, to continue the fight to remedy any mistakes made at the ballot box regardless of how long or hard that might turn out to be."

May 27

DNC Vice-Chairman Says Prison Bible Studies "Poaching Our Voters"

Democratic National Committee Vice-Chairman Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn) called Republican efforts to encourage prison inmates to participate in Bible studies "an attempt to poach voters who rightly ought to be supporting Democrats."

"While the Bible studies message is not overtly political it conveys values that implicitly support the GOP agenda," Ellison contended. "Take the admonition 'thou shalt not steal.' This insinuates a personal right to property that runs counter to our Party's belief that property ought to redistributed more fairly. I mean, a lot of guys are in jail because they tried to implement a redistribution on their own initiative. We don't want them to be contrite for their unsanctioned redistribution efforts. We want them to know that with their votes we will legally effect the transfer of wealth to their benefit."

The Congressman suggested that "the problem is that the GOP's Christian message of 'loving thy neighbor' undermines the anger that is essential if we are to make real change happen in America. This was one of the main reasons I converted to Islam. Islam explicitly calls for dispossessing unbelievers and rewarding the faithful. It is a religion more in sync with the natural predatory instincts that got these inmates into jail in the first place. If we let this natural mutual affinity be dissipated by indifference to the inroads being made by the GOP among the prison population we will be losing votes that naturally should have been ours."

June 3

Obama Says "Right to Try" Bill a "Costly Mistake"

This week President Trump signed the "Right to Try" bill recently passed by Congress. The new law will allow desperately ill patients to employ therapies not yet approved by the FDA. Trump called the bill "a decent and humane option to the current policy that allows patients no option until the glacial pace of the FDA has run its full course. Many have died waiting. This will give them a chance to act at their own risk to try to avert dying."

Former President Obama predicted "this legislation is a costly mistake. Patients aren't qualified to assess the risks. Neither are their doctors who have the narrow focus of keeping these individuals alive no matter the cost. Not everyone can be saved. Rather than allowing individuals to grasp at straws we have a system that dispassionately analyzes the risks and rewards on a collective basis. The private resources that are squandered to save the few could be better deployed to the benefit of the many if we allow for a greater government role, as my Affordable Care Act put in place."

"Offering palliative care to the terminally ill is the progressive solution that puts the well-being of the many ahead of the search for improbable cures for the few," Obama argued. "Government needs to have the courage to tell these sick individuals that the struggle simply isn't worth it. We should be generous with pain relief and end-of-life assistance, but we should conserve scarce resources for the growing cohort of immigrants that are making up for the birth shortage among native born Americans. That is the greater good for the greater number."

June 10

More Jobs than Job Seekers

This month, for the first time since employment statistics have been tracked, there are now more job openings than there are persons seeking employment. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the number of job vacancies for the most recent month were 6.7 million while the number of unemployed persons seeking jobs came in at 6.35 million.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called these statistics "further proof that the Trump Administration's policies are destroying this country. His tax cuts are provoking businesses to expand their production, but the induced labor shortages will choke off this expansion. It will be an economic catastrophe."

"Thankfully, voters will have an opportunity to set things on a more stable course this November," the Minority Leader pointed out. "By electing a Democrat majority to Congress we can pass legislation that will repeal the tax cuts and reestablish the regulatory constraints that allowed the economy to maintain the more sustainable stagnation set in place during the Obama years."

In a bid to win over a greater share of corporate money to support the election of Democrats, Pelosi suggested that "the job vacancies could be filled at a lower labor cost if we increase immigration. By granting amnesty to the millions already here and by opening the borders to the tens of millions more who want to come to America we could easily fill the 6.7 million vacancies without having to raise wages or disturb the leisure of the millions of Americans who have become accustomed to living freed from the obligation to support themselves."

June 17

Mueller Seeks to Withhold Evidence

One of the basic foundations of justice is that the accused has the right to see the evidence against him. One of the subterfuges of Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election was his indictment of 13 foreign entities reputed to have used the Internet to inject anti-Clinton memes into the campaign. Lawyers for one of these entities showed up to answer the indictment and demanded to see the evidence against their client.

Initially, Mueller pleaded for more time. The presiding judge denied an extension under the grounds that "an indictment surely wouldn't be filed without some evidence against the defendant who is entitled to see what crime he is being accused of committing." Mueller now claims that revealing the evidence "poses a serious risk to national security."

"The norms arising from the Bill of Rights need to be balanced against the more important objective of protecting the United States from hostile foreign actors," Mueller said. "This is especially the case when the accused is not an American citizen. The leverage we hold over all the defendants in these 13 indictments would be undermined if we are forced to show our evidence before we have their signed confessions. The matter of guilt is not an issue. The defendants know better than we do what they did. The sooner they admit their crimes, the sooner we can resolve this case."

In his argument for withholding evidence, Mueller pointed out that "in Russia untold numbers of defendants have been convicted, imprisoned, or even executed using secret evidence. Since the defendants I have indicted are based in Russia I see no reason why that country's standards should not be applied to them in my case."

Foreigners meddling in another country's elections is not a rare phenomenon. The US government's Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) has meddled in more than 80 foreign elections since the end of World War II. In the March 2015 Israeli election President Obama sent $350,000 of US taxpayers' money to groups opposing Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Since the meddling Mueller is alleging here involved Internet posts that could, and likely were, initiated from outside the US, the practicality of attempting to prosecute the "meddlers" seems dubious. Likewise, distinguishing between meddling and protected freedom of speech (which also applies to non-citizens) might be impossible.

June 24

DC Infested with Psychopaths

A study of psychopathy throughout the United States found that the nation's highest concentration of these types of people was in Washington DC. California, New Jersey, and New York finished in second, third, and fourth place for percentage of the population qualifying as psychopaths. The study was conducted by Southern Methodist University Assistant Professor Ryan Murphy.

"The District of Columbia is measured to be far more psychopathic than any individual state in the country," Murphy observed. He speculated that "psychopaths may be drawn to Washington since government offers a robust array of opportunities for individuals to exercise power over others. There are both opportunities for self-enrichment and opportunities to bend others to your will by making laws or regulations that force people to yield to you rather than freely pursue their own well-being."

Democratic National Committee Chairman Thomas Perez belittled the possibility that the study findings might harm his Party's chances in future elections because "very few voters will be aware of this study. The media won't publicize it. It is more likely that Professor Murphy will be denied tenure. That would undermine his credibility and discourage any other eggheads from considering any follow-up work on the topic. So, I think our drive to expand and centralize government power in Washington will remain on track."

July 1

Congresswoman Complains of Harassment

Earlier this week, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) praised mobs that drove a couple of Trump Administration officials from a restaurant and movie theater. She urged more of this "mob justice," saying "if you see anybody from that cabinet in a restaurant, in a department store, at a gasoline station, you get out and you create a crowd. You push back on them. Tell them they're not welcome anymore, anywhere!" Now she is claiming to fear for her life after her statement urging crowds to harass Trump and his supporters inspired some Trump supporters to harass her—including a crowd outside her palatial estate chanting "no peace, no sleep."

"I called for the people to exercise their constitutional right to drive Trump supporters from public places," Waters said. "Public places belong to the people. Trump supporters—members of his cabinet and voters—have no right to enter these places if the people forbid it. Trump and his minions are the fascists that are tyrannizing this country. The people have a right to resist this by any means necessary. The fascists harassing me are usurping a power that is not their prerogative."

Over at CNN, commentator Angela Rye bristled at contentions by fellow Democrats Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer that Waters' efforts to incite mobs to harass Trump Administration officials were "uncivil" and "un-American." "Democrats don't have the votes to stop Trump in Congress," Rye pointed out. "Taking it to the streets, as Maxine urged, is the only viable strategy. Opposition to this strategy conceived and articulated by a Black woman is racist." The Congressional Black Caucus expressed similar sentiments.

In related news, Simran Jeet Singh, the Henry R. Luce Initiative in Religion in International Affairs Post-Doctoral Fellow at NYU's Center for Religion and Media, denounced civility, calling it "an attempt to impose white values on persons of color. Discussion and debate are white methods for controlling the decision making process. In other cultures personal combat is deemed a more equitable way of deciding who shall rule. Demanding that persons of color adopt white methods is tyranny."

July 8

DNC Denounces Record Employment

The Bureau of Labor Statistics' June jobs report showed that the US economy added 213,000 jobs—bringing the number of employed Americans to 155,576,000—the tenth record high of the Trump presidency. Tom Perez, Democratic National Chairman (DNC) and former Secretary of Labor under Obama, warned voters "to not be taken in by this mirage of the so-called good life."

"Remember, each person pushed into a 40-hour-a-week job has lost at least 40 hours of leisure time," Perez pointed out. "Is this a trade-off that truly benefits everyone? Most jobs are boring. Many are dangerous. Shouldn't the goal be to work toward the elimination of the need for everyone to have to work for a living? This is the goal envisioned by the great Karl Marx who prescribed socialism as the best way to move society toward an ultimate communist utopia."

Perez argued that "lauding the fact that more Americans have jobs also ignores the promise of the Declaration of Independence pledge of equality for everyone. A system that discriminates by disbursing more to those who have jobs than to those who don't will never achieve equality. By accident of birth some are endowed with energy, initiative, and intelligence. If we allow those who inherit such gifts to keep what they earn we will never have equality. Yet, it is the policy of the Republicans to insidiously perpetuate inequality by not forcing the more well-endowed to share the returns they earn from their gifts with those less fortunate. The tax cuts passed earlier this year, for example, benefit only those who produce wealth. Democrats are the Party that will redistribute this wealth to those in need."

July 15

Strzok Claims Undermining Trump "Patriotic Duty"

Peter Strzok, the FBI agent at the center of the the agency's conspiracy to torpedo the Trump presidential campaign and the back-up plan to reverse the election outcome, told members of the joint hearing of the House Judiciary Committee and House Oversight and Government Reform Committees "I wasn't being biased. I was being patriotic."

"Anyone who has carefully read my text messages to Lisa Page cannot refute the clear evidence that Trump is an idiot that poses a severe threat to the safety and happiness of the people of America," Styrzok maintained. "The stream of derogatory commentary I provided to Ms. Page ought to persuade every sane reader that keeping this man from wrecking the world was of utmost importance. My only regret is that my efforts have not yet achieved the desired effect."

Strzok went on to further defend his actions by citing "the acquiescence of my superiors at the highest level that gave me the courage to embark on this unconventional journey. Director Comey used my replacement of his original 'gross negligence' with 'extraordinarily careless' to allow Hillary Clinton to be absolved of culpability. My immediate supervisor, Andy McCabe, presided over numerous anti-Trump strategy meetings attended by Ms. Page and myself. The support of these American patriots assured me that I was doing the right thing."

These remarks elicited a standing ovation from House Democrats participating in the hearing. Rep. Steve Cohen (Tenn) even went so far as to recommend that Strzok "be awarded the Purple Heart for the insults and badgering heaped upon you by the brain-dead Republicans on these committees. Their ingratitude for your heroism is appalling. What you have faced was worse than any bullets or bombs our soldiers have had to face."

Obama's former CIA Director and current MSNBC commentator John Brennan concurred with Cohen's sentiments and asserted that "the wounds inflicted on Strzok's reputation by malicious Republicans are more hurtful than any battlefield wounds. Wounded soldiers bask in respect and honor. Even those who don't survive know that their sacrifice is appreciated. But Mr. Strzok is denied even that as they blacken his name. He doesn't deserve this."

Republicans were less impressed. Rep. Louie Gohmert (Tex) pointed out that "at the time Mr. Strzok was supposedly investigating Sec. Clinton's email violations the Intelligence Community Inspector General (ICIG) told him that 30,000 emails had been sent to an unauthorized foreign recipient. I would think that a patriotic FBI agent would've wanted to follow up on such information, but Strzok admits he did nothing."

"Agents have to prioritize how they use their limited time and resources," Strzok later explained. "Unbeknownst to the ICIG, President Obama had by that time indicated to us that Trump was the real threat. I wasn't the only one who ignored the ICIG. DOJ Inspector General Michael Horowitz failed to return four phone calls on the matter. At least I took a meeting with them."

On a broader and more philosophical note, Strzok warned that "these Congressional probes into the inner workings of the intelligence community threaten the foundations of law and order. To be effective, the covert actions of agencies like the FBI and CIA must remain covert. An agent shouldn't have to fear that his honest efforts to protect national security will be exposed by political know-nothings. We rigorously screen the people who become agents. We need to trust them to do the right thing without second-guessing the choices they make."

Shockingly, CNN political director David Chalian called Strzok's rationalizations "unbelievable. His texts to Lisa Page reveal an extraordinary level of bias and animus toward Trump. This casts a pall of doubt over his ability to carry out an impartial investigation. A man of integrity would've recused himself." Speculation as to whether Chalian will be fired, commit suicide, or suffer an unfortunate fatal accident has inspired Las Vegas to set up a betting line for gamblers to wager on their favorite outcome.

July 22

Masked Fascists Attack Jewish Coffee Shop

A mob of masked criminals attacked the Asher Caffe & Lounge on 945 S. Boyle Ave. in the Boyle Heights neighborhood of Los Angeles—throwing feces and screaming at patrons and employees of the Jewish-owned business. The grievances of the attackers included a charge that the owner is a Trump supporter and that he is gentrifying the neighborhood against the wishes of its inhabitants.

The group of attackers calls itself "Defend Boyle Heights." A masked spokesman who refused to give his name defended "our right to decide who can live and do business in our neighborhood. We don't want Trump supporters here. We don't want our neighborhood's character to be polluted by the presence of undesirable outsiders."

The spokesman justified the wearing of masks, saying that "we have the right to a 'secret ballot' without fear of intimidation by cops who enforce the will of the their fascist overlords," and maintained that "terrorizing customers and throwing shit helps counterbalance the evil influence of those trying to suppress our democratic rights."

In a show of solidarity, the Boyle Heights Chamber of Commerce expelled the coffee shop owner Asher Shalom from its membership rolls. Chamber president Jennifer Lahoda explained that "Mr. Shalom's views are not in line with the values and objectives of the Boyle Heights Chamber of Commerce. Boyle Heights thrives because of our diverse immigrant population. The Chamber will always celebrate and support this fact. Mr. Shalom is not an immigrant. He is a white American citizen. This, in itself, offends the majority of those who live here. We cannot let a member of the neighborhood's minority Jewish population impose its alien values against the wishes of the majority."

July 29

Food Fascism Gains Ground in California

Two San Francisco city officials are pushing an ordinance that would ban businesses from providing in-house cafeterias for their employees. The measure's co-sponsor, Supervisor Aaron Peskin, argues that "local employers like Airbnb and Twitter are wrongfully denying nearby restaurants the sales they would be entitled to expect if the cafeterias did not exist."

"It's really about equality," Peskin insisted. "Just because you work for a generous employer shouldn't mean you aren't forced to go out for lunch like the rest of us." Of course, the "equality" aspect is tarnished a bit by the measure's "grandfather" clause authorizing those establishments that already have cafeterias to continue operating them. Competing business would be barred from establishing new cafeterias.

Peskin also has his eye on companies hiring private buses that enable their employees to commute in relative luxury. "The City has its own train and bus services funded by the taxpayers," Peskin observed. "It is everyone civic duty to ride these. No one should be permitted to skirt this responsibility just because they have access to a more convenient and comfortable alternative."

Meanwhile, the city of Santa Barbara has passed an ordinance that levies a punishment of up to six months in jail and/or a fine of up to $1,000 for each plastic straw a waiter gives to a restaurant customer. Santa Barbara's Environmental Services Outreach Coordinator, Bryan Latchford emphasized the "up to" wording of the ordinance. "Enforcement will be on a case-by-case basis," he explained. "There could be some leniency for first offenders. The harshest penalties would normally be meted out only to the worst violators—like those who have been previously warned or waiters who give customers straws without the customer requesting it. I mean, it's still illegal even if the customer requests it, but the request might be a mitigating factor—especially if the customer is insistent or aggressive."

August 5

Wage Gains Threaten Democracy

News that American workers pay and benefits are now rising at a faster pace than any time during the Obama years has sparked fear in the Democratic Party. The proclaimed "future" of the Party Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, surprise winner of the Democratic congressional primary in Brooklyn, New York, sees this development as "a direct threat to our democracy. The GOP scheme to boost the working class into the ranks of higher income is intended to undermine their support for the Democratic Party."

"A key to bringing the benefits of socialism to America is the class solidarity among the workers," Ocasio-Cortez said. "The tax cuts and deregulation foisted on the economy by Trump and the Republicans is meant to break the bonds of solidarity by encouraging workers to pursue the capitalistic goal of self-enrichment through hard work rather than the socialist strategy of seeking a fairer distribution of wealth through political action. We need workers to support socialism with their votes and must take whatever actions are necessary to thwart the effort to convert workers into greedy, money-grubbing capitalists."

August 19

Senator Introduces "Accountable Capitalism Act"

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) is sponsoring legislation that would negate the control of corporate shareholders and transfer authority to government. Her bill—the "Accountable Capitalism Act"--is, in her words, "intended to replace greedy profiteering with the more socially beneficial guidance of government oversight."

The prime motive for the bill was her discovery that employees' share of the income generated by businesses has fallen from 85% 20 years ago to "only" 75% today. "As Karl Marx conclusively proved more than 150 years ago, all the value created by businesses comes from labor," Warren contended. "It is shameful that any of this value is expropriated by the capitalistic overlords. My bill would correct this travesty and bring about an era of social justice the likes of which the world has never seen."

Critics have pointed out that her legislation would institute an economic structure eerily similar to that of the National Socialist German Workers' Party in the 1930s. Undeterred, Warren argued that "while we can all abhor the vile racist goals of the Nazis we shouldn't let that blind us to the economic virtues of their system. The economy boomed and gave a grossly outnumbered Germany the strength to make war on nearly every government in Europe and nearly win. By shifting the governance of business from a narrow focus on earning profits by selfishly serving private individuals and imposing a requirement that they serve the national interest my bill will make America stronger and move us closer to attaining the utopia envisioned by Marx in his Communist Manifesto."

August 26

California to Rescue 800,000 Welfare Recipients

As the Trump economic boom has pushed the state's unemployment rate to a low of 4.2%, the Brown Administration has applied to the U.S. Department of Agriculture for a waiver of the requirement for 800,000 able-bodied and childless Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) recipients to do some work in exchange for this government benefit.

Gov. Jerry Brown (D) defended the action calling it "an act of mercy. Most of these long-term welfare recipients have no work experience or aptitude. Demanding that they enter the workforce, even on a part time basis, constitutes an inhumane and traumatic culture shock. In theory, they might be capable of doing some work, but in reality they are habituated to an indolent lifestyle. Any tasks they might be induced to perform will very likely be done poorly. So, not only would forcing them to work destroy their way of life, the output of their efforts will almost certainly prove unsatisfactory."

Brown rejected even low-skill options such as picking up litter, calling it "beneath the dignity that every human being has a right to expect. It may not require skill to do such jobs, but that in itself is a humiliation that no one should be forced to endure. In my mind, it's preferable that those of us who are better off bear a higher tax burden than that we deprive those less well off of the leisure to which they've become accustomed. Fortunately for our state, the bulk of the tax burden will be borne by the rest of the nation."

Offline Jazzhead

  • Blue lives matter
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11,593
  • Gender: Male
Re: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: Best of 2018, Part 2
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2019, 04:58:26 pm »
What is this shit?
It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide