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WOODSTOCK, ME — On a mission to set right the great wrongs perpetrated upon the world during World War II, controversial media personality Tucker Carlson announced that he had built a time machine to go back to the past and kill baby Winston Churchill.Seeking a means by which he could eliminate the greatest villain of the first half of the 20th century — Churchill — and thereby prevent the astronomical bloodshed and destruction caused by the war, Carlson reportedly sank tens of millions of dollars into the research, development, and construction of the time machine."It's time to snip this cigar before it can light the fuse of war," Carlson said in a brief video statement posted on X. "People may try to gaslight and say this sounds crazy, but we all know the truth. And that truth is that chubby-cheeked little Winston's cute little coos and gurgles really mean one thing: world destruction. Young Churchill's first word was not ‘mama' or ‘dada' as it is with most children. It was ‘imperialism.' That's why it is absolutely necessary to go back to 1874 and right this wrong before it ever has a chance to be committed. And that's what I'm going to do." ...
