My Brilliant Nine-Phase Retractable Plan For Reopening The Nation Restaurants will reopen, but only for one customer at a time. Shopkeepers must shoot pre-purchased goods out of a T-shirt cannon, and we can only catch them if we’re wearing gloves.By Neal Pollack
April 21, 2020In my 2010 Atlantic article, “We Are The Disease: Why the Coming Global Sickness Will Hate America More Than Any Other Country Because It Is Just The Worst,†I wrote, “the pandemic will close the economy. Then the economy will reopen, but then we will have to close it again. And then we will reopen it again, and then close it again. But it doesn’t have to be this way.â€
Now my moment has arrived. I’ve developed a foolproof multi-step plan to return our nation to its glorious peak.
As the only member of human society to hold doctorate degrees in both virology and the economic impact of pandemics, I’m uniquely qualified to help guide the United States back to full recovery. My email is open and my phone is off airplane mode since airplanes no longer exist. I’m just waiting for someone to activate my expertise.
My plan operates in phases. In Phase One, we must re-open essential businesses, plus the local gourmet shop in my hometown of Mount Winchester that sells duck confit. However, no one must get within six feet of the open storefronts. Shopkeepers must shoot pre-purchased goods out of a T-shirt cannon, and we can only catch them if we’re wearing gloves.
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https://thefederalist.com/2020/04/21/my-brilliant-nine-phase-retractable-plan-for-reopening-the-nation/
