RevAl: We have found a witch, may we burn Him?
Crowd: BURN!! BUUUURN HIM!
Media: But how do you *know* He is a witch?
RevAl: He looks like one!
Other RevAls: Yeah! He looks like one!!!
Media: Bring Him forward.
(Zimmerman is pushed through the crowd of RevAls to the platform. He is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around his face on top of Him nose, and a black paper hat on his head. He talks funny because his nose is closed by the carrot.)
Zimmerman: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
Media: Er,...but you are dressed as one.
Zimmerman: THEY dressed me up like this.
RevAls: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't!
Zimmerman: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!
(Media lifts up the carrot to reveal the man's real nose, which is in
fact rather small.)
Media: Well?
One RevAl: Well, we did do the nose.
Media: The nose?
RevAl: And the Hat. But He's a witch!
RevAls: Yeah! Burn Him! Burn! Burn Him!
MEDIA: Did you dress Him up like this?
RevAls: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no...
One RevAl: yes.
RevAls: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit.
Another RevAl: (hopefully) He has got a wart...
MEDIA: What makes you think He is a witch?
RevAl: Well, He turned me into Newt!!
(pause)
Media: Newt?
(long pause)
RevAl: I got better...
RevAls: BURN HIM anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HIM!
MEDIA: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA There are ways of *telling* whether He is a witch!
RevAls: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us!
MEDIA: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
V: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!!
MEDIA: And what do you burn apart from witches?
RevAl: More Witches!
Other RevAl: Ballots.
MEDIA: So. Why do witches burn?
(long silence)
(shuffling of feet by the RevAls)
RevAl: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....Ballots?
MEDIA: Goooood!
Other RevAls: oh yeah... oh....
MEDIA: So. How do we tell whether He is made of ballots?
One RevAl: Try to steal an election out of 'em!
MEDIA: Aah. But can you not also steal elections with machines?
RevAls: oh yeah. oh. umm...
MEDIA: Do Ballots sink in water?
One RevAl: No! No, no, it floats!
Other RevAl: Throw Him into the gulf!
RevAls: yaaaaaa!
(when order is restored)
MEDIA: What also floats in water?
RevAl: Bread!
Another RevAl: Blunts!
Another RevAl: Uh...very small blunts!
Another RevAl: Purple Drank!
Another RevAl: Uh...great gravy!
Another RevAl: Skittles!
Another RevAl: Tea!
Another RevAl: Skittles! Skittles!
Another RevAl: Rachael Jeantel!
Jesse Jackson: Pelosi’s Face!
RevAls: (in amazement) ooooooh!
MEDIA: exactly!
MEDIA: (to a RevAl) So, *logically*...
RevAl: (very slowly, with pauses between each word) If... He.. .weighs the same as a Pelosi’s Face...... He's made of Ballots.
MEDIA: and therefore...
(pause)
RevAl: A Witch!
All RevAls: A WITCH!
(they do consequently weigh Him across from a Pelosi’s Face on Media's largest scale, and He does indeed weigh the same as the Pelosi’s Face.)
Zimmerman: It's a fair cop.
