SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 23, 2026 Edition
Stop Nick Shirley Act Becomes Law
California State Assemblymember Mia Bonta (D-Oakland) hailed the passage of Assembly Bill 2624 and predicted "it will end the reign of terror being inflicted on our state by rogue reporter Nick Shirley. This inexperienced 'muck-raker' threatens to upend the vital flow of public funds from taxpayers to individuals who are kicking back a portion of the funds Shirley claims are being stolen to support the election of Democrats who are needed to govern the state."
Assemblymember Carl DeMaio (R-San Diego) asserted that "Shirley's exposure of the massive fraud occurring in our state distribution of funds intended for aiding daycares and Medicaid expenditures has been a public service that merits gratitude, not condemnation. If this bill becomes law, the message is clear to every journalist in California: expose corruption and you will be punished."
Bonta called DeMaio's concerns "wrongly placed. Republicans are always taking the side of taxpayers, but they fail to elaborate on why allowing taxpayers to spend money on expensive coffees, gas-guzzling needless personal travel, or other selfish desires should take precedence over the public outlays Shirley is criticizing. The Trump Administration's cuts to USAID funding greatly reduced the amount of tax dollars being redirected to Democratic supporters. The whole infrastructure sustaining our electoral success is threatened. Getting a share of the funds stolen from daycares and Medicaid is helping restore this funding. Actions that would encourage negative reporting must be punished to prevent scandals from aiding the overthrow of our government."
Attorney General Rob Bonta called the legislation "a useful new tool in cracking down on malicious revelations by indiscreet or irresponsible journalists. Good governance requires collective action to implement a unified vision of the future. The state cannot remain oblivious to this threat. By increasing the penalties for errant opposition our chances for social unity are enhanced."
Gov. Gavin Newsom promised to sign the bill, calling it "vital to ensuring a united and stable government for the state of California. The intrusive presence of Nick Shirley snooping around is undermining the people's confidence in the Democratic Party. We can't let this go on. AB2624 will provide the needed punitive measures to discourage Shirley and any would-be imitators from invading the privacy of those redirecting public funds Democratic candidates. I admit it seems harsh on freedom of the press, but sometimes sacrifices are necessary to prevent Republicans from subverting long-established mechanisms for retaining our political dominance in the state."
Self-styled "maverick" Republican Thomas Massie (Ky) expressed his disdain, saying "it's hard to take Nick Shirley seriously until he starts calling out Johnson, Thune, and Trump for funding the daycare fraud in every Omnibus and CR bill with no guardrails. I can't really blame Democrats for concocting a scheme to steal these funds. Shirley needs to do more than just talk about it."
Shirley rejected Massie's criticism, saying "my work and videos have exposed billion-dollar fraud industries, led to funding cuts, stopped billions of dollars from being sent out in the future, and supported prosecutions and arrests. It seems to me that Rep. Massie could play a more productive role in fighting fraud than trying to undermine what I'm doing. He's a member of Congress. He should be trying to persuade his colleagues to take action. That's what a serious person would do."
Massie rebutted Shirley's comments by pointing out that "Joy Behar of 'The View' says I'm the one Republican that the Democrats can respect. In contrast, Terry Schanz, the chief of staff for California Democratic state assembly member Tina McKinnor, couldn't even get Shirley to prove that he doesn't have a small penis."
In related news, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) estimates that in the years 2003 to 2023 the total money blown on payments made in error, or in the wrong amount, or with no documentation was $2.7 trillion. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent estimated that "up to 10% of the federal budget is lost to fraud."
UK Gov't Urges Muslims to Not Rape Women
Declaring itself unwilling to prevent the invasion of their country by Muslim asylum seekers who have profound cultural objections to western laws and behavior, the Labour government is now trying to modify their behavior via a public relations campaign. Britain's Home Office is printing pamphlets and posting public notices urging these invaders to not rape or harass women.
A Home Office spokesperson explained "we want to be welcoming to these newcomers. We understand that living conditions where they come from are difficult, but it has gotten to the point that we felt something needs to be done about the increase in violence being experienced from these people. We thought a campaign to encourage more chivalrous behavior toward women would be a good place to start. We're not expecting miracles, so we're focusing on the idea of telling them that women have rights and are not to be harassed, raped, or murdered. Understanding that there may be literacy issues, we're including illustrations."
Cambridge Professor of Islamic Studies Iman Rapemal expressed doubt that the campaign would succeed, saying "these demands for behavioral changes clash with the religious instructions written in the Quran. According to Allah, women are given to men for men's pleasure. The promise of 72 virgins in the afterlife for Muslim men who martyr themselves in the jihad to convert the whole world to Islam emphasizes the subsidiary role that women are to perform under Islam. Clearly, obedience to the men who are granted control over them is essential. Naturally, Muslim immigrants to the UK expect women to obey them. If infidel women refuse to obey, Muslim men are authorized to compel them using whatever degree of force may be required. Infidel claims that women have rights to disobey men are unlikely to sway many Muslim men."
Reform Party leader Nigel Farage called Labour's campaign to try to persuade Muslims "weak tea. During World War II the British Navy was able to fend off an invasion by hordes of heavily-armed Nazi troops. Now the Navy can't even fend off rickety overloaded small boats? It's not a lack of sufficient power. It's a lack of sufficient will to defend our island from a substantially less well-armed invasion. The Socialists are too weak to defend our way of life. We need a change of government before it's too late to save our nation and our culture."
"Talk" TV host David Bull had some harsh words about "the government's flaccid efforts to deter Muslim aggression against women and girls. This is totally and utterly unacceptable. If people come from very different cultural backgrounds, they have no right to be in this country. I say you detain them and deport them."
LA Mayor Gets Taxpayer Money for Her Campaign
In a recent TV ad urging her own reelection, Mayor Karen Bass pointed out that "thanks to LA's super match program, every qualified donation from Los Angeles residents is matched 6-to-1 by the city. Your $5 donation would inflate to a $35 total donation, while $25 would become $175. So, we desperately need you to send your matching donation right now to help fuel this campaign."
Many viewers expressed outrage that city money drawn from taxes could be used to fund the Mayor's campaign. Roxanne Hoge, chairwoman of the Republican Party of Los Angeles County, admitted that "it's outrageous, but perfectly legal. It's a system Democrats set up to enrich themselves and their friends and get themselves elected."
"The insinuation that this is somehow unfair is what is outrageous," Bass countered. "Public money has been authorized to support candidates since 1990. My opponent Nithya Raman is also entitled to the same matching funds. What could be fairer than that? If she's coming up short it's because she's lazy."
"The Mayor's a fine one to accuse me of being lazy," Raman objected. "She has spent $400 million on her 'Inside Safe' program to supposedly cure homelessness. She hasn't cured it. The money is all gone and she has rebuffed auditing how the money was spent. Is she a crook?"
"How about relying on the voluntarily donated contributions of citizens?" Los Angeles activist Tony Moon suggested. "Both Bass and Raman are big government Democrats. It doesn't seem very fair to use taxes drawn from every taxpayer--the majority of whom are not registered Democrats--at a six to one ratio. Those aren't 'matching' funds. They're excess extractions from folks who do not support the policies of Democrats."
DEI Puts Airline Passengers at Risk
The push to employ more females and minorities as airline pilots seems to have increased the risk of airline crashes. Though females and minorities make up only 10% of the pilots, they have been responsible for 50% of the "pilot-error" crashes since the year 2000.
Daniel Huff, a former White House lawyer, explained "it's not that women and minorities are inherently unable to fly planes, but in practice, pressure for affirmative action too often leads airlines to lower their standards in order to meet quotas."
Despite the evidence of increased risk of crashes, airline executives express their continued commitment to DEI. A Delta Airlines executive insists that "we are steadfast with respect to diversity, which is critical to our business." A United Airlines spokesperson said "we want half of our new pilots to be women or minorities." A Southwest Airlines spokesperson said "we are still committed to recruit, hire, and retain a diverse and inclusive workforce."
"I would hazard a guess that not crashing the planes would be more critical to the airline business than meeting some arbitrary quota based on sex or skin color," Huff observed. "Since airline managements seem to lack the courage to choose safety over quotas, the Trump Administration needs a strong enforcer to impose merit-first hiring before the next 'pilot-error' crash."
