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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.:thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break’?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a ‘Nazi.’
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a ‘doughnut eating Gestapo.’
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn’t care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, ‘Obama in ‘08 .’
I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important to my health.
In order to rank the dumbest cities in America, we had to look at which cities have the highest high school dropout rates as well as which cities have low college graduation rates.
This is a pretty good indication of where people live who don't have educational backgrounds.
Additionally, we measured how many libraries are in each city, as a ratio versus number of places to party.
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Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
(https://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/06/Screen-Shot-2019-06-11-at-8.50.37-PM.png?resize=580%2C570&ssl=1)This will be my newest dad joke.
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Hold on now...is that a Betsy Ross flag of oppression?Oh nooooooooooooo! wink777
The 10 Laziest Cities in America
Which cities in the United States have the most number of people out of work - and refusing to get a job?
Sorry... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajE0wvC_akE#)
10. Cleveland, OH
9. Pueblo, CO
8. Paterson, NJ
7. Hartford, CT
6. Waco, TX
5. Buffalo, NY
4. Detroit, MI
3. San Bernardino, CA
2. Springfield, MA
1. Dayton, OH
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@Right_in_Virginia
It doesn't matter. None of those parents are going to have grandchildren.
I have a hard time accepting that list as accurate when San Francisco and Boston isn't on it
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OK, what is that? How to fight with a deer?Specifically step 3
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They're very colorful, @EasyAce.
They're very colorful, @EasyAce.@Sanguine
@Sanguine
In all fairness, with several of those players their names were more colourful than they were as players. Dick Starr, to name one, wasn't even half the pitcher a name like his suggests. (Once, as a St. Louis Brown, Starr and fellow former Yankee spare part pitcher Karl Drews instigated a wild beanball war against the Yankees with Tommy Byrne---not exactly the most colourful name---forced to retaliate.)
But since you mentioned Dick Trickle the race car driver, I'm put in mind of . . .
Preston Tucker v. George Stutz
@Sanguine
In all fairness, with several of those players their names were more colourful than they were as players. Dick Starr, to name one, wasn't even half the pitcher a name like his suggests. (Once, as a St. Louis Brown, Starr and fellow former Yankee spare part pitcher Karl Drews instigated a wild beanball war against the Yankees with Tommy Byrne---not exactly the most colourful name---forced to retaliate.)
But since you mentioned Dick Trickle the race car driver, I'm put in mind of . . .
Preston Tucker v. George Stutz
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Amen to that!
I've had a month of >110 almost every day. It's a bit hotter than Phoenix here at the Castle.
Ahhhh...you ******! It's a DRY heat! :laugh:
I thought this might get your attention. :laugh:
I've had a month of >110 almost every day. It's a bit hotter than Phoenix here at the Castle.
The only thing that could make it worse is if you had to live in Houston.
The only thing that could make it worse is if you had to live in Houston.
(https://i.chzbgr.com/full/8126181120/h9B413761/)
NOW, that's a good Poll question @roamer_1
Ahhhh...you ******! It's a DRY heat! :laugh:
10-4. I've been there in the summer.Jeez, I was there in December and it was too hot for my tastes, except for the day it got down to 60 degrees.
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Guitar Solo Faces Make A Lot More Sense When Guitars Are Replaced With Giant Slugs (https://imgur.com/t/funny/R9NCh)
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A vegan woman has filed a suit against her neighbors in the Australian supreme court after complaining about the smell of meat and fish emanating from their barbecues . . .
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Damn Vacuum Cleaner won't start.
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?â€
"We're taking Continental†was the reply. "We got a great rate!â€
“Continental ?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?â€
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.â€
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.â€
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.â€
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.â€
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!â€
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.â€
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..â€
"Oh, really! What'd he say?â€
He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?
U.S.—In a move to help oppressed husbands who are forced to walk around the craft store in a daze for hours as they lose all sense of time and space, Hobby Lobby has unveiled its new husband daycares at all of its U.S. stores.
At the beginning of a woman's shopping trip to Hobby Lobby, she can check her husband into the daycare for up to three hours, as long as he's trained to put the toilet seat back down. She also has to sign a waiver that she's responsible for any spills or messes he makes, though most of the women are already used to that anyway.
The patented Hobby Lobby Husband Daycare is fully stocked with beer, pizza, video games, televisions, and even an old car to work on with a provided set of tools ...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Local San Francsico resident Matthew Pearson was arrested Wednesday morning for concealed carrying a Bible without the proper state permits, sources at the San Francisco Police Department confirmed.
California law prohibits residents from carrying any written material that contradicts far-left progressive agendas without a difficult-to-obtain permit from the state. Hurdles applicants need to clear include extensive eisegesis training in which they learn how to read progressive values into the text, and safe dismantling of texts that disagree with the left’s worldview. A 10-day waiting period is also required for purchases of easily concealed and transported pocket Bibles.
https://babylonbee.com/news/hobby-lobby-unveils-husband-daycare
Husband Daycare Now Available At All Hobby Lobby Locations
U.S.—In a move to help oppressed husbands who are forced to walk around the craft store in a daze for hours as they lose all sense of time and space, Hobby Lobby has unveiled its new husband daycares at all of its U.S. stores.
At the beginning of a woman's shopping trip to Hobby Lobby, she can check her husband into the daycare for up to three hours, as long as he's trained to put the toilet seat back down. She also has to sign a waiver that she's responsible for any spills or messes he makes, though most of the women are already used to that anyway.
The patented Hobby Lobby Husband Daycare is fully stocked with beer, pizza, video games, televisions, and even an old car to work on with a provided set of tools ...
Seen on an Internet meme:
‘‘Believe in yourself. Even if no one else will.’’ —Sasquatch
Whether you’re visiting your parents’ stuffy old Baptist church or piling into the family minivan because the kids are begging to ride the roller coaster at the sleek new megachurch down the street, the age-old question persists: what should you wear?
Wonder no longer, good and faithful servant. We sent a team of Babylon Bee agents to over two thousand churches, big and small, new and old, all across the land to research customs, dress codes, fashion do’s and fashion don’ts. This exhaustively researched article is the result, and it’s absolutely packed with helpful fashion tips.
...
Baptist—When you hit the local Baptist church, dust off your best polo shirt and slacks, like Jesus wore. Women should be sure to wear long enough skirts, lest they should cause a brother to stumble by flashing too much ankle.
Calvary Chapel—God is worthy of our Sunday best, so make sure you pick out your finest sandals, shorts, and Hawaiian print shirt when you show your face at one of your city’s fifty-eight Calvary Chapel churches. The hardcore believers will be touting a copy of Left Behind or The Late Great Planet Earth tucked beneath their arm.
...
Non-Denominational Megachurch—Whatever you woke up in. If it’s good enough to party in late Saturday night and crash on your couch in, it’s good enough for God. If you overdress by wearing a shirt that doesn’t show some skin or a low-key, modest outfit, you’ll stick out like a sore thumb!
Pentecostal—Go with something loose and flowing—anything good for waving your arms around in or flopping around like Magikarp. Secret pockets and compartments you can use to stow a tambourine or dancing ribbon are useful.
Seen on an Internet meme:
‘‘Believe in yourself. Even if no one else will.’’ —Sasquatch
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@Right_in_Virginia
The evil bastids! What idea will they steal from the west next?
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(https://cdn.historydaily.org/content/71351/ba9a5e6a7c7742551ccaa432524b5b37.jpg)Add Solid, Healthy Flesh Quicker than BEER? It can't be done!
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@corbe
Can't argue with that. At least you can trust a dog.
Not all dogs. But dogs do know that People are Stupid. A good friend had the ugliest Pit I've ever seen, and he gave her a fitting name, "Amy Carter". Now Amy, knowing how stupid people are, just loved putting on the act. She would have the sweetest grin, and wag that tail 90 mph. Amy just loved biting the hands of Stupid People, that would stick their hands out, to pet the friendly doggie.
@corbeOnly after it's been trained.
Can't argue with that. At least you can trust a dog.
British Columbia newspaper announces 'picture with Satan' at a local Christmas parade, and speak of the devil, guess who shows up? (https://www.victoriabuzz.com/2019/12/satan-shows-up-to-courtenay-christmas-parade-after-newspaper-typo-announces-his-arrival/)
Subject: LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA
CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS MAY APPLY
Statesboro Blues - Taj Mahal@corbe
Error 404 (Not Found)!!1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6pmkfcrhO8#)
@EasyAce The other night I was contemplating an Evolution or some such, on that very song, Statesboro Blues, and of course it started with the 1929? rendition by Blind Willie McTell with some Taj and Youngbloods mixed in cumulating with the Allman Brothers.@corbe
@corbe
Those evolutions instruct and delight alike. So does this one, from Sonny Boy Williamson to the Allman Brothers Band but with one forgotten but terrific stop in between which I will insert accordingly . . .
Error 404 (Not Found)!!1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxpNbdRKSCk#)
Error 404 (Not Found)!!1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n32q7ga7agg#)
Error 404 (Not Found)!!1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2QM6TUTKHU#)
@corbe
I know it is your birthday.
But that right there made me involuntarily laugh.
That is why I hate you
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ce407aa508d21b8badd68fcc2b60458d831e77e1e3f613ba370016d372cf5565.gif)In a twisted sort of way, that's beautiful! :silly:
In a twisted sort of way, that's beautiful! :silly:
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8530bb3c3986e8de163c93070f5c251453e595249b3f20f4435064e9f13fb25e.jpg)Just goes to show....
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(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d196501148640e6b4ea17fa45b92a71ce2361385ca56187f758e37bea3d12da3.png)Life in prison a deterrent? Hell, free room and board, medical, dental, gym and clothes? Sounds like cheap retirement, plus no more nagging from the wife!.