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General Category => National News/Current Events => Topic started by: John Semmens on January 29, 2021, 11:27:27 PM

Title: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 31, 2021
Post by: John Semmens on January 29, 2021, 11:27:27 PM
Socialists Demand Monthly $2,000 Checks

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) and 50 other House members are pushing President Biden to issue an Executive Order that would authorize "monthly $2,000 stimulus checks to every person in the country until the pandemic ends."

"This would mean that a family of four would receive a federal subsidy of $80,000 per year," Omar exclaimed. "At the stroke of a pen, every family—citizens and non-citizens alike—would never need to work again to support a comfortable lifestyle."

With several COVID experts, like Dr. Anthony Fauci and vaccine maker Moderna, declaring that this virus may be with us for a long time, maybe from this point forward, Omar remained unswayed, saying that "I can't see a downside to providing every family with a decent standard of living. The utopia envisioned by Marx would become a reality. The choice to work or not work could then be freely decided without the pressure of economic necessity."

Neither was Omar concerned that too many might opt out of work. "As we saw during the COVID shutdowns, the government has the power to declare certain industries as 'essential.' Naturally, the workers required to provide essential services would be ordered to continue working for the good of the whole society. From time-to-time the best of these essential workers could be recognized as 'heroes' and receive commendations or medals they could wear to advertise their status."

"The government has had the power to create money ever since the Federal Reserve System was established more than 100 years ago," the Congresswoman asserted. "The failure to fully use this power condemned generations to poverty and want. Though many of the criminals responsible for inflicting such suffering are dead, those who are still alive must be tracked down and punished. This will deter others from seeking to perpetuate these cruel and criminal policies."

Call for Permanent Barrier Around Capitol

Acting Capitol Police Chief Yogananda Pittman has called for permanent fencing and troop deployments around the US Capitol Building in Washington, DC.

"Numerous members of Congress have expressed fear for their safety since the insurrection of early January," Pittman said. "The rulers of our country cannot properly do their work if they are perpetually fearful. Reassuring them and guaranteeing them a freedom from fear strikes me as the next logical step toward establishing the unity President Biden wants for the nation."

Pittman dismissed claims that "the Capitol is the people's house and ought to be open for visitors. In a sense, I can see how they think that. The people do, after all, pay for it with their taxes. But taxes pay for a lot of things that are off-limits to the people. Whether access is granted and on what terms is something that those who run the government have the right to decide. In fact, that's what elections are for—to select who will make the rules. If you don't like the rules elect someone else next time around. In the meantime, obey the rules laid down for you."

"I expect that a small sample private citizens will periodically be granted passes to visit this historic site," Pittman speculated. "If they can pass a vetting process that winnows out persons known to be disloyal, I'm sure members of Congress will feel safer admitting a limited quantity of visitors of the proper pedigree. But the 75 million Trump voters who have been declared domestic terrorists must be keep out at all times. If they want to communicate with their representatives they can hire a lobbyist. That's what those who are serious about the business of Congress do."

Peasants Threaten Wall Street Profits

This week, a small contingent of retail stock traders discovered that big hedge funds had taken large short positions on several stocks. In some cases, the shares shorted exceeded the total number of shares issued by the companies. "Shorting" means selling stock you don't own. With the cooperation of market opinion makers, negative assessments can be created and circulated driving the share prices down. The hedge fund that shorted the stock can then close the deal by buying the shares at a lower price and net billions in profits. This time, though, outsiders used the large short position in GameStop shares to "squeeze" the hedge fund insiders.

The Biden Administration is reportedly highly concerned about this very unusual turnabout from the normal outcome. Incoming Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen is said to have spent many hours on the phone talking to key Wall Street friends of the Biden Administration trying to work out a resolution that would rescue the hedge funds from their predicament. Notably, Yellen has been paid more than $800,000 in speaking fees by Citadel, a hedge fund involved in the GameStop affair.

Biden Press Secretary Jen Psaki characterized Yellen's actions as "constituent services. Wall Street has been a major donor to the Biden campaign. When these firms asked for help we got right on it. These big investment firms are essential businesses. Their financial failure, even if due to their own greed and miscalculation could have a major impact on the economy. The individuals on the other side of short squeeze are not essential. Weighing these two salient facts supports efforts to prevent the essential businesses from being crippled by excessive losses in the marketplace. On the other hand, the financial world can go on with hardly a ripple if the people who really shouldn't be meddling in these markets are the ones who ultimately have to bear the losses."

Meanwhile, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) called the turn of events surrounding GameStop "disturbingly abnormal. Non-professionals outsmarting Wall Street insiders disrupts the circle of life. It's as if zebras started eating lions. It's scary. The Democratic Party counts on generous donations from these insiders. These unselfish benefactors regularly dedicate a portion of their profits to assist our Party to win elections. Consequently, the $20 billion in losses they have suffered due to outsider interlopers threatens our democracy. I am asking the SEC to take whatever steps are necessary to see that this kind of thing never happens again."

Romney: "Republicans Must Publicly Confess Errors"

Taking a page from Mao Zedong, the late leader of the Chinese Communist Party, on how to deal with unbelievers, Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) insists that "the only way our country will ever achieve unity is for all the Republicans who expressed doubt about the integrity of the presidential election to publicly acknowledge their error, beg for forgiveness, and yield to the mercy the Democratic Party might extend to them."

"It doesn't really matter whether they personally are convinced that the election was fair," Romney advised. "Just repeating the words helps put a person on the road to acceptance into the new world order. Realistically, Republicans will never have a majority in either house of Congress or win the presidency again in the foreseeable future. We can be a tolerated minority and keep most of the perks that go with that or be hated intruders who must be purged from government."

"When the Roman Republic was overtaken by the autocratic rule of Emperor Augustus, the wise senators relinquished any thought of disagreeing with the new regime," Romney recalled. "This allowed them to enjoy several more centuries of high status and comfort before barbarians ultimately overthrew the empire. Sure, there were occasional humiliations and murders carried out by cruel and deranged rulers, but the vast majority of senators remained untouched by any of that. If we're smart, those of us who still hold office can achieve a similar fate for ourselves. All I'm suggesting is that agreeing to the truths given to us by the Democrats is a small price to pay for our survival."

Bill of Attainder in the Works in Congress

Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine) and Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va) are working on a motion of censure against former President Donald Trump. The purpose of this motion is to declare Trump guilty of certain crimes and punish him by disqualifying him from ever holding another public office.

Sen. Chris Coons (D-Del), a self-proclaimed "big fan" of the concept, called the scheme "ingenious. Unlike an impeachment trial the named criminal has no right to appear or present evidence on his own behalf. Neither is there a two-thirds requirement for conviction. A simple majority in both the House and Senate would be enough to do the trick."

Kaine, author of the first draft of the motion, thanked Coons for his support, saying "Chris is exactly right. I am a genius." He further rebuffed critics who contend that his motion is a "bill of attainder" and, as such is prohibited by the US Constitution. "Lots of things Congress has passed over the years have been called unconstitutional by opponents of the enactments," Kaine pointed out. "But unless someone successfully challenges it the enactment stands. As we saw from the repeated refusal of courts to allow any challenges to the 2020 election results to present evidence, we're pretty confident that any challenges to our measure will also be rebuffed by the courts. The correct opinion holds that Trump is unfit for office. I can't see the incorrect opinion gaining any traction in the current environment."

A simple bill of attainder against Trump isn't enough for Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif). He says "we need to think proactively on this. There are many others who share Trump's ideas. While both the House and Senate are under our control we need to consider disqualifying everyone who voted for this traitor from ever holding public office. Our nation will never be safe until every opponent of our unity agenda is neutralized."

NY Times Chastised by Biden

The barrage of decrees from President Biden prodded the editors at the New York Times to question whether it is an appropriate way to make laws. The editors wondered "whether a polarized nation might be worsened by one-man rule. If we want to build consensus shouldn't proposed laws be debated in Congress? Even if the end result is identical, the image of a law passed by a majority of the people's representatives looks better than what we've seen so far from the Biden Administration."

The mere question posed by the editors proved irksome to Biden. "No one can tell me what to do," Biden said. "I'm the most powerful man in the world. Everybody has to do what I say. That includes the New York Times."

Ironically, it was only three months ago that as a presidential candidate, Biden denounced rule by decree, saying "I have this strange notion, we are a democracy. If you can't get the votes you can't legislate by executive order unless you're a dictator. We're a democracy. We need consensus."

Press Secretary Jen Psaki defended her boss, saying that "it all comes down to unity. To have unity we have to all be on the same page and march to the same drummer. Before the election, the Times was on the same page and did march to the same drummer. It is both unfathomable and disconcerting to see them drift away from the truth path now that everything we all worked for is within our grasp. For now, we'll consider the Times' objection to be a simple lapse of judgment—a kind of a brain fart that can happen to anyone. We're confident they won't make a habit of it going forward."

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Charles Schmer (D-NY) is urging President Biden to declare a climate emergency. "He can do many, many things under emergency powers that he can't do under the constraints of the Constitution," Schmer pointed out. "In the 1930s Germany used emergency powers to pull the country out of the depression and build the strongest military on the European continent. Granted, they went too far and launched a war that killed tens of millions and nearly wiped out the Jews. But we Democrats are aware of the dangers of unlimited dictatorial powers. We're not Nazis and can be counted on to only use these emergency authoritarian powers for good—like governors Cuomo, Newsom, and Whitmer did fighting the COVID pandemic this past year."

Fauci Calls for Anal COVID Tests

Concerned that COVID fatigue may undermine adherence to the government's rube goldberg concoction of health edicts, disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci is looking closely at the Chinese anal test protocol.

"With reports now indicating that the shutdowns mandated around the world may have killed more people than the virus, that the CDC's recommendations against using hydroxychloroquine were mistaken, and the seemingly hypocritical behavior of many government officials from Gov. Gavin Newsom in California to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in Washington, too many people have become jaded and skeptical about the pandemic," Fauci said. "We need something dramatic to regenerate a healthy fear of contracting the disease."

"Fortunately, developments in China may be showing us the way," the Doctor declared. "The Chinese government now says that anal testing for COVID is more accurate than the nasal swabbing we have been doing. They have set up anal swabbing stations at airports and other transportation venues where all who wish to travel must pass an anal swab test before being permitted to board a vehicle. Police are authorized to randomly pull people off the streets and swab them. Such humiliating probes dramatically make the case for obedience to the government's rules surrounding the pandemic—especially the rule to stay home. I think we can benefit by replicating their procedures here."

Fauci confessed to "drafting an Executive Order mandating anal swabbing and slipping it into the stack of documents intended for President Biden's signature. With any luck it will be signed within the next few days. The number of lives it may save could be astronomical."
Title: Re: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 31, 2021
Post by: mystery-ak on January 30, 2021, 11:31:37 AM
Fauci confessed to "drafting an Executive Order mandating anal swabbing and slipping it into the stack of documents intended for President Biden's signature. With any luck it will be signed within the next few days. The number of lives it may save could be astronomical."

The best part of the article is the last paragraph....just my opinion thought... :silly:
Title: Re: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 31, 2021
Post by: John Semmens on February 01, 2021, 01:13:10 AM


Title: Re: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 31, 2021
Post by: mystery-ak on February 03, 2021, 11:43:21 AM
John...can you do a little something on Psaki's "Circle back" comments...?
Title: Re: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 31, 2021
Post by: John Semmens on February 04, 2021, 01:04:18 AM


I'll see if I can think of a way.