The Jukebox from Hell

[jmyrlefuller]

Back in the late 1990s, there was a little show called Blue's Clues. It was an annoying show, compounded by the fact they would repeat every episode five times in a week in the same time slot. About the only thing entertaining about it, at least for anyone older than about four, was making fun of how much of a moron the host, Steve Burns, must have been.

Well, after about five years, Steve got sick of the gig... so he quit, shaved his head, and started to record some music. Fortunately, he knew some members of the Flaming Lips, who were more than willing to help him out. The end result, Songs for Dustmites, actually got a number of very good reviews, even though I don't think it charted any hits anywhere.

Still, the fairly abrupt transition from kiddie host to singing some decidedly adult material is jarring enough, hence why I present tonight in the Jukebox from Hell, Steve Burns with "What I Do on Saturday."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IDSEJ1_SQG4

[jmyrlefuller]

The next entry in the Jukebox from Hell comes from the legendary Screamin' Jay Hawkins. After the success of Hawkins's "I Put a Spell on You," he was at somewhat of a loss to replicate that success. So he decided, as he states in the beginning of this record, to do away with the "silly love songs" (as a certain Mr. McCartney once mused) and write a song about "real pain."

The result was a record described by the Allmusic Record Guide as, simply, "gross." Ladies and gentlemen of the Briefing Room, I present... the Constipation Blues.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3hks_t-HzSc

[jmyrlefuller]

Of all the musical instruments in the universe... this guy chooses a toaster as the one, and only, instrument to accompany this next piece. Fittingly, it's called "Toast." Here's Heywood Banks.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=c7NqSu1Wk0Y

[jmyrlefuller]

Even the legendary Frank Sinatra lays an egg every once in a while, as is clearly demonstrated in today's entry. At a nadir in his career in the early 1950s, Mitch Miller, legendary producer who later became known for his sing-along TV show, persuaded Sinatra to record this novelty piece (Miller had become notorious for his frequent use of novelty music). To make matters worse (and what makes this record particularly bad) was Sinatra's duet partner: Dagmar, a bimbo whose only talent was not having any talent.

After the debacle, Sinatra and Miller each blamed each other for the recording: Sinatra claimed Miller made him record it, but Miller responded that Sinatra could have always refused and that "you don't get him into the studio to do what he doesn't want to do" (paraphrase). Sinatra's career later picked up again once the Rat Pack started picking up steam in the 1960s. Dagmar, a 1950s icon, faded into obscurity.

Here is Frank Sinatra with Dagmar and their single, "Mama will Bark."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mHfycHpzCgE

[jmyrlefuller]

One of the great travesties in rock music history is the story of Creedence Clearwater Revival. Officially, the band consisted of John Fogerty, his brother Tom, Doug Clifford and Stu Cook. Practically, however, it was all John.

In the early 1970s, Tom  (who had long tried to get out of the band) quit for good, and John, sick of carrying the band on his back, demanded that Cook and Clifford start carrying their own weight with regard to songwriting and lead vocals. The result was the mostly disastrous album Mardi Gras, a hodgepodge of songs written and performed by each member of the band. It charted two hit singles-- both of them Fogerty compositions-- but the rest of the album was treated quite savagely in the press. The band broke up shortly thereafter.

John Fogerty launched a solo career in the 1980s, most famously performing the baseball-themed hit "Centerfield." However, despite Fogerty's efforts to stop them, it was Cook and Clifford, the glorified rhythm section that contributed almost nothing to the band during its existence, that got to use the CCR name. They now tour under the name "Creedence Clearwater Revisited."

Ladies and gentlemen of the Briefing Room, I present the last B-side ever released by CCR: a Doug Clifford composition known as "Tearin' Up the Country."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CAAqLnuuKFw

[jmyrlefuller]

Considering this thread got bumped down to page 2, I figured it's time to put a new song on it.

No big story behind this one... EDIT: There actually is a little backstory. This guy came out of Alberta in the 1980s, and although his name indicates he was a one-song novelty act, he did record a whole album, Ropin' the Wind, with numerous other songs. The backing band is Garry Lee and the Showdown, another Albertan country band best known for their X-rated songs such as the Rodeo Song. Listen closely to this guy's lyrics and you will hear the vulgar influences. Here is Doctor Badbreath with "Stinky Breath."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gHaWh3iimSA

[jmyrlefuller]

I recently stumbled upon another bad-music compilation, Bad Taste Strange Music, compiled by Fritz Ostermeyer as the soundtrack for the film Bad Painting Good Art. Basically it's a production that tries to claim intentionally bad art, or music, or whatever, is some sort of iconoclastic brilliance that the bourgeois just don't understand. It is precisely this kind of pretentious bull dropping that gives poets, visual artists, and other highbrow types a bad reputation. Sometimes, crap is crap.

Anyway, the album contains a number of songs I have already featured on the Jukebox from Hell, but also a number of others I had not yet discovered until now. Here's the first one I am going to feature, a cover of The Troggs's "Wild Thing" as performed by Jörg Schlick.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_Blsi7f49X8

[jmyrlefuller]

Today's entry features The Beatles. Wait, what? THE BEATLES? Seriously?

Well, yes... but with a twist. This cut was back from 1962, the first track they ever attempted to cut in the studio. By this point, the band was John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison... and Pete Best on drums. John, Paul and George would turn out to be extremely talented musicians. Pete Best... not so much. He was a mediocre drummer at best, brought in as a stop-gap drummer since the band had originally played skiffle without drums; he was particularly popular as a heartthrob during the band's early live gigs in Europe, but he wasn't particularly fond of the spotlight.

Best's poor drumming cost the band a chance at a record gig with Decca, and numerous other labels also passed. Eventually, EMI gave them a chance. The first track they decided to cut was a little ditty known as "Love Me Do." It was a cheap Everly Brothers ripoff that only had three chords. The problem was that the song had a shuffle beat, and Best, although he could rock out on 4/4 with the best of them, couldn't handle shuffle... as this recording clearly demonstrates. So, they cut the recording off and decided to bring in a session drummer (Andy White), whose version is the one most commonly heard today. George Harrison convinced John and Paul to get their manager, Brian Epstein, to fire Pete Best and replace him with fellow Liverpudlian Ringo Starr. For the first few years, Starr lived in perpetual fear that he could, like Best, be replaced on a whim (they never did, even when given the opportunity when Starr got sick and Jimmie Nicol was called in to substitute for him).

Best revived his original band in 1980 (originally the Black Jacks in the early 1960s, now known as the Pete Best Band) and his drumming has improved.

Here are The Beatles, with Pete Best on drums, with "Love Me Do."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=OwzY0XYVyTk

[jmyrlefuller]

Richard Simmons in drag. Enough said.

Here's "Hair Do."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=XEbVq8pb3QE

[jmyrlefuller]

Meet Murray Wachs. Wachs was an obscure poet from New York City who, in the 1990s (by which point he was already in his 70s) he was discovered by radio station WFMU. With the help of WFMU's staff, Wachs took on the stage name "Bingo Gazingo" and became known for his often absurd, sometimes obscene, but always stream-of-consciousness poems (or perhaps rants). In good health even at his old age, Wachs died on New Year's Day 2010 after being struck by a car. He was 85.

Here is Bingo Gazingo with a live rendition of his tribute to Jennifer Lopez, "J.Lo."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=H4uYqzGDW7s

[jmyrlefuller]

Do you really want to annoy your neighbor? Start playing a genre of music known as the "porn groove." It's a type of music that got its name from its use in 1970s pornographic films. One of the most prolific producers of porn groove music was Pornosonic, a session group founded and produced by Ron Jeremy (who also had more than his fair share of, um, on-camera time as well).

An entire album of Pornosonic's music can be found on Youtube. Being a decent man I will spare you the whole record and instead include just one track... the theme from a 1973 porno, "Cramming for College." WARNING: Some NSFW dialog is at the beginning of this track.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=S6kxau0ePlg

[jmyrlefuller]

You have (probably) heard of Dueling Banjos, but how about Dueling Tubas?

Well, the performer of this entry in the Jukebox from Hell talks a little in the beginning of this clip about how he is convinced that this song is headed for the charts. Surprisingly, he was right: this ditty peaked at #92 on the Billboard Hot 100 to become his only chart hit.

A couple notes on this clip: technically, what he is "playing" is not a tuba, it's a sousaphone, and I suspect that he is lip-synching (if you can call it that) to the original record.

Here is Martin Mull (yes, that Martin Mull) with "Dueling Tubas."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojqrd7FeXmg

[jmyrlefuller]

Peter Frampton, 1970s glam rocker, is best known for his famous live album, Frampton Comes Alive! As a live musician, Frampton is a phenomenal musician. Put him in a studio, however, and his weaknesses begin to glare, particularly his bizarre, throaty accent. His follow-up to Frampton Comes Alive! was I'm in You, which would later be savaged by Frank Zappa.

This clip is from the soundtrack to the 1978 film Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. It's named, of course, after the Beatles album of the same name, and features Beatles music, mostly from that album through to their breakup. The star-studded soundtrack included Steve Martin ("Maxwell's Silver Hammer"), Earth, Wind & Fire ("Got to Get You into My Life"), former Beatles collaborator Billy Preston ("Get Back"), and most prominently alongside Frampton, The Bee Gees. Most of the performers did a very good job with the tunes, but the movie stunk, and I'd venture to say that Frampton probably helped bring the rest of the movie down. Maxim named the soundtrack the worst album of all time in April 2000.

Here's Peter Frampton with "The Long and Winding Road."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=oUk3eY3xEHc

[jmyrlefuller]

You may recognize this guy. He's been in the news. I'll let his musical talents speak for themselves.

Here's Russian Premier Vladimir Putin with his take on the Fats Domino classic "Blueberry Hill."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IV4IjHz2yIo

[jmyrlefuller]

I debated for months on whether or not to include this next song in the Jukebox from Hell. The main reason is that, unlike every other song I have posted so far, I don't absolutely hate it or consider it patently ridiculous. It seems, however, that almost everyone else does.

This song was originally written in early 1968 by Bobby Russell. Within three years, this song was recorded almost 20 times, the most famous version being the one by Bobby Goldsboro. It's a classic tale of regret: a man treats his wife with disregard and neglect for so long, but when she finally leaves him (and, shortly thereafter, dies), he mournfully realizes the error of his ways. It hit #1 on the charts shortly after Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated.

Maudlin? Absolutely. The worst of all time? Well, a lot of people seem to think so, even though I don't.

Here's Bobby Goldsboro with "Honey."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59BZxgohr9g

[jmyrlefuller]

This is Crispin Hellion Glover. He's a character actor, typically known for his eccentric and villainous bit roles in film. He also, in 1989, recorded an album of, um, music. To call it that is a bit of a stretch; it was bizarre to say the least. In all fairness, Glover has the capability to sing well; he has a cover of "Ben" that he performed for his remake of the film Willard that can be found on YouTube. For this project, however, he refused.

This album is far more abstract. This video, I believe, is the only single from the album The Big Problem is Not the Solution. The Solution - Let It Be. Another cut from the album has Glover sobbing through a cover of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made for Walking." This song is original, and perhaps involving some of the sloppiest songwriting imaginable.

Here's Crispin Glover with "Clowny Clown Clown."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rH6b_lSQst0

[jmyrlefuller]

Back in the 1980s, Jimmy Hart, up to that time known as the frontman for The Gentrys (a one-hit wonder group best known for the ironically short "Keep on Dancin'"), wound up in what was then known as the World Wrestling Federation. Because Hart had a number of musical connections, he and WWF chairman Vince McMahon developed the Rock 'n' Wrestling Connection, in which top musicians would cross over into WWF shows. As a marketing ploy, it was pure genius: the WWF soon came to dominate pro wrestling by the early 1990s, challenged only by Ted Turner's WCW. Other circuits ended up collapsing right around that time.

However, the Rock 'n' Wrestling Connection also had a number of side effects-- namely, pro wrestlers decided to get in on the action and start recording albums, with Hart's help. The first was a compilation album, The Wrestling Album, which did not feature WWF's biggest star, Hulk Hogan (himself a competent bass guitarist), but did feature most everyone else. Hogan got his own album instead, The Wrestling Boot Band: Hulk Rules. According to him, he hired his then-wife Linda to do backup vocals because she sounded better than the rest of the crap.

Rock 'n' Wrestling, much like rock music in general, died out in the mid-1990s with the rise of the Attitude Era; WWF bought WCW and became World Wrestling Entertainment, WWE, in 2001. As for Hogan, he's mostly retired, but I did see him pop up this morning doing a spoof video of Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball," wearing a thong and spanking his almost-70-year-old self. It's pretty traumatic stuff.

Here's Hulk Hogan and his Wrestling Boot Band with "Beach Patrol."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLykknlM7Ls

[jmyrlefuller]

Tony Clifton was one of many creations from comedian Andy Kaufman. Clifton was a parody of lounge singers: he had an annoying, nasally voice, forgot lyrics in the middle of songs, abused his audience, and his idea of entertainment was taking words and rhyming them (with no coherent direction) in the middle of a song. For a time, Kaufman played Clifton (and even charged a lower rate for Clifton than he did for himself); he also had a couple of understudies who played the character to play up the possibility that Clifton, just maybe, could have been real. Clifton opened for Rodney Dangerfield at the Fillmore East twice, eventually getting (literally) peppered with rotten vegetables.

Eventually, even after Kaufman's death, the Tony Clifton character continued. He still makes occasional appearances, even today.

Here's Tony Clifton, as he appeared on a Muppets TV special.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2wDAA7O0ho

[jmyrlefuller]

I don't particularly like punk.

I do, however, have a soft spot for the Dead Kennedys. Yes, they were lefties (like most punks), but they reserved most of their vitriol for fellow liberals. "Holiday in Cambodia" skewers the liberal, self-important view of the world. "California Uber Alles" is great listening for those who want to poke at Governor Moonbeam.

But this piece... um... it can only be explained as satire, since it makes no sense for Jello Biafra and company to be performing a song about glamorous excess made popular by a man (Elvis) who exemplified it.

Here are the Dead Kennedys with their version of "Viva Las Vegas."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XT72CgEJQNQ

[jmyrlefuller]

Here's a song later made infamous by the Muppets.

Here is Piero Umilani with the original version of "Mah Nà Mah Nà."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=I48IXSbHsy8

[jmyrlefuller]

Here is a tune that people have grown to hate more and more each year. It was touching the first couple of holiday seasons, then peoples started asking questions, like…

Why would Jesus care about shoes?
or…
How many kids have conned people into giving them free shoes by following the instructions in the song?

Here is NewSong with “The Christmas Shoes.”

http://youtube.com/watch?v=GJcPVB-we7g

[jmyrlefuller]

Dusting off the old Jukebox from Hell to introduce this gem too bad to pass up.

This is Farrah Abraham. She's best known for her appearance on "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom." But oh, no. She's not content with showing the world how much of a mistake it is doin' the nasty at age 16. No, she must also show us she can also do the nasty in front of a camera... and show us how bad of a  singer she is. Here is her ear-bleeding new single, "Blowin'."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h53AzPEdku0

[jmyrlefuller]

Ladies and gentlemen, I present a record cut out of Mad magazine in 1963. This little piece of musical brilliance is credited to Alfred E. Neuman... here is "It's a Gas."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J-LvMxKvFY

[jmyrlefuller]

Today's entry was the work of Billy Joel. Yes, that Billy Joel, beloved pianist and singer-songwriter who lit up the charts throughout the 1970s and 1980s.

Well, before his career took off, and just after he ended up finishing his stint in the piano bars (an experience he describes in his signature song, "Piano Man"), he decided to try his hand at metal (mind you, this is the late 60s/early 70s, just as the genre was still forming). He didn't have a guitarist, or a bassist. He had a drummer, Jon Small, and Joel figured that and his organ work would be more than enough. Thus Attila was born.

More than enough was right. As Joel recounts: "End of the sixties, I was in a two-man group. We were heavy metal, we were going to destroy the world with amplification, we had titles like 'Godzilla', 'March of the Huns', 'Brain Invasion'... I did a lot of heavy metal for a while. We had about a dozen gigs and nobody could stay in the room when we were playing. It was too loud. We drove people literally out of clubs."

Here is Attila with "Brain Invasion."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLuiVJBZyVM

[jmyrlefuller]

In 1995, Duran Duran, of course best known for their work in 1980s pop, decided to record a cover album. The album was called Thank You and featured a wide variety of songs, ranging from Bob Dylan to the Doors... to Public Enemy, a notorious hardcore rap group. Rightfully, Thank You got a lot of scorn and helped to end the band's heyday.

The band is still together.

Here is Duran Duran with their awkward cover of Public Enemy's "911 is a Joke."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3EGljZ-N_Y