Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 11, 2024 Edition  (Read 1372 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 11, 2024 Edition
« on: February 10, 2024, 05:30:00 am »
"Maybe These Voters Aren't Dead"

The Public Interest Legal Foundation's (PILF) efforts to fight election fraud in Michigan are being fiercely resisted by Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson (D). PILF Communications Director Lauren Bis said "there are more than 17,000 registered voters in the state who have been dead for more than a decade. Their names should have been purged from the voter rolls."

Benson asserts that "there is no need for the type of intrusive intervention PILF is seeking. Deceased persons will eventually be excised from the list when it is clear that they are dead. The obituaries and grave stones PILF has cited are not definitive proof. Standing against their circumstantial evidence is the unbroken record of ballots cast by these individuals since their supposed deaths. I am not going to be cowed into a hasty disenfranchisement of persons who have been dutifully voting for years beyond the dates that PILF asserts they have been physically unable to cast ballots."

PILF President J. Christian Adams called Benson's resistance "a clear violation of the National Voter Registration Act (NVRA) of 1993. The US District Court in Michigan has already ruled that she must comply with the law, but she is appealing that ruling."

Benson pointed out that "court rulings are just opinions. The only person with the power to compel me to change the way we do business here is Gov. Whitmer (D). If she sends the State Police after me I will comply with her orders. Otherwise I will continue to do what I think is right and necessary."

In related news, Elon Musk pointed out that "illegal immigrants are not prevented from voting. The ID requirements in the law don't require proof of citizenship. A utility bill or bank statement with the person's name on it is enough. You don't have to be a citizen to have a bank account or pay an electric bill. In fact, in 2016 President Obama pointed out that there is no effective way to prevent non-citizens from illegally voting."

No Charges for Mishandling Classified Docs

Special Counsel Robert Hur completed his year-long investigation of President Biden's mishandling of secret documents. His conclusion was that "Biden willfully retained these materials, stored them in an unsecured manner, and illegally shared them with his ghostwriter." Hur declined to recommend prosecution "because the President presented himself to us as a sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory. It's my belief that a jury would be unlikely to convict him because of his mental incompetence."

In an effort to rebut Hur's findings, Biden called a press conference where he claimed "my memory is fine. Take a look at what I have done since becoming president. Just this week I conferred with Mexican President El Sisi on the crisis in Palestine." Of course, El Sisi is not the president of Mexico. Neither is it clear why Biden would be conferring with the President of Mexico on the war between Israel and Hamas in Gaza.

Sen. Rick Scott (R-Fl) called for Vice-President Kamala Harris and Biden's cabinet "to invoke the power vested in them by the Constitution's 25th Amendment to remove a president unable to carry out the duties of the office."

Rep. Claudia Tenney (R-NY) wrote to Attorney General Merrick Garland saying "the Department of Justice cannot ethically bring classified document charges against former President Trump and decline to bring them against President Biden. Neither can you permit a mentally incompetent man to govern the country."

Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md) labeled the Republican case for removing President Biden "flimsy. He's been able to sign every decree set in front of him by his highly-qualified and energetic staff. He has, with the aid of a teleprompter, been able to speak to the nation on the issues of the day and reassure us that things are under control. As for his latest press conference, it was held after his normal 7pm bedtime. Who among us wouldn't have been disoriented under such circumstances. There is no need for him to be replaced."

Former Clinton advisor Paul Begala argued that "President Biden has always been a mental light-weight. Yet he's been reelected multiple times--first as a senator, then a vice-president, and finally a president. Obviously, voters trust him to represent their interests. We should respect their decisions."

In related news, Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre denied that Biden's mention of conversations with deceased foreign leaders is a sign of dementia, saying "the President is a man of depth. French President Fran├žois Mitterrand and German Chancellor Helmut Kohl were both in power during the 1990s. Then-Senator Biden could well have spoken to them. The fact that he can recall 30-year-old conversations with them should be taken as a sign that his memory is excellent."

Yellen Defends Spying on MAGA

Treasury Department investigators in its Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN) demanded that banks scour customer transactions for key terms like MAGA and Trump. During a Senate Banking Committee hearing Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) said "FinCEN was created to stop money laundering, not spy on Americans. Why would they be targeting Republicans' purchases at Cabela's, Dick's Sporting Goods and Bass Pro Shops?"

"Senator, you are forgetting that President Biden has declared that Trump and MAGA are enemies of democracy," Yellen replied. "The President's assessment was the logical inference from Trump's incitement of his MAGA followers to seize power after his defeat in the 2020 election. The shops you mention all sell weapons that could've been used in MAGA's armed assault at the Capitol on January 6, 2021. Why shouldn't FinCEN gather evidence that could help us put these people in prison?"

House Judiciary Chairman Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) pointed out that "these sporting goods stores weren't the only places targeted by FinCEN. Banks were also asked to spy on customer transactions to see if 'extremism indicators' like the purchase of a bus or plane ticket 'for travel to areas with no apparent purpose' or the purchase of a Bible occurred. So, the government feels competent to evaluate the travel choices and religious beliefs of American citizens and declare them to be indicators of extremism? How is this not totalitarian?"

Yellen insisted that "it is better to be safe than sorry. We saw the horrible things that Trump and his followers did when we weren't scrutinizing their every move. Certainly, a few minor intrusions into people's privacy is a small price to pay to fend off the fascism that Trump wants to impose on the people of this country."

Idea to Deter Opposition to Ukraine Aid

Frustrated by growing Republican opposition to sending more military aid to support the war in Ukraine, Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) cited legislation under consideration in Ukraine's Parliament as "a breakthrough idea. They, like us, have problems recruiting people to staff their armed forces. They have a draft, but many are evading reporting for duty. There's a bill in their parliament authorizing the confiscation of the assets of every person who refuses to be drafted. While we don't currently have a draft here we could tweak our laws to authorize the confiscation of the assets of anyone who opposes our bill to fund Ukraine."

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) called Schumer's suggestion "intriguing. Between Democrats and sensible Republicans I think we'd have a solid majority in favor of continuing to fund Ukraine's war with Russia. By including a confiscation clause we might be able to get some MAGA Republicans to abandon their opposition. Typical army recruits don't have many assets to lose. Senators and Representatives who've been in Congress for many years do."

Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo) asserted that "continuation of the war in Ukraine does not serve the interests of this country or its people. As we've seen, Ukraine is not a free country. It has outlawed political parties that do not support the war. It is conscripting people to fight in the war. And now, it is proposing to bankrupt anyone who refuses to be coerced into battle. There is no good reason for us to continue wasting our taxpayers' money on this dubious conflict. Emulating Ukraine's tyrannical policies would be the road to Hell that we shouldn't take."

Rich Qualify for EV Charger Subsidies

The Biden Administration has declared that elite locales like Montauk and Fishers Island in New York, and parts of Martha's Vineyard and Nantucket in Massachusetts are eligible for low-income area electric vehicle (EV) charger subsidies.

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg explained "here's the deal. The only people who can afford EVs are people with high incomes. Spending some of this high income on expensive EVs effectively lowers their income relative to the rest of the population."

"More importantly, the early adoption of EVs by the wealthier segment of the population is essential if we hope to displace our dependency on gasoline-powered vehicles," Buttigieg continued. "Strategically, this requires ample extractions from the public treasury because purely voluntary purchases won't be sufficient because the EV doesn't offer enough value to consumers to justify them buying one from an economic perspective. Look, we're already subsidizing the purchase of the EV. Why shouldn't we also subsidize whatever else is needed to make it work like the President wants it to work?"

Communist Utopia Predicted

Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) went on NBC's "Late Night" to explained that "having 60% of the population living paycheck-to-paycheck is not the economic calamity that Republicans claim it is. It is a step in the right direction toward true socialism. Ideally, 100% of us should be living a lifestyle compatible with the collective well-being. Eventually, the capitalists and the bourgeoisie need to be eliminated. This would end the class struggle because all that were left would be members of the proletariat."

"Then the dictatorship of the proletariat would make all the investment decisions," Sanders said. "No longer would capitalists be allowed to direct resources to be used for generating profits. Each person would be assigned to the job deemed the best use of their abilities. Each person would receive a direct allocation of goods and services calculated to fulfill all the needs that the dictatorship has declared to be suitable for each person in our collective society."

"All property would be held in common," Sanders added. "As the great visionary of collectivism Klaus Schwab predicted 'you will own nothing and be happy.' Anyone who fails to be happy will receive the free medical care necessary to correct this malady. We will attain the workers;' paradise that following Karl Marx's revolutionary guidelines promised for all humanity."

Mayorkas Claims Vindication

By a vote of 214 for and 216 against, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas narrowly escaped being impeached by the US House of Representatives. Republicans had argued that his complete failure to interdict illegal immigration warranted his removal from office. However, every Democrat and three Republicans voted against impeachment.

Rep. Ken Buck (R-Colo) voted against impeachment saying that "Secretary Mayorkas has completely failed at his job. He is incompetent. He is an embarrassment. And he will most likely be remembered as the worst secretary of Homeland Security in the history of the United States. However, he was only following the orders of President Biden who is also incompetent and an embarrassment."

Mayorkas claimed that the vote "vindicates my actions. As I've said many times, America needs these immigrants and the President has entrusted me to see that as many enter our country as is humanly possible. I am aware that many are skeptical of this assertion. They see impoverished and illiterate masses of foreigners being put up in expensive hotels, fed and cared for and wonder 'why do we need these people?' It is not obvious to ordinary Americans that these people are needed to cast the ballots that will ensure that former president Trump will not be successful in his quest to end our democracy by getting elected in November."

Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) confirmed Mayorkas' assessment. "The only way we can solve the immigration problem is by having Democrats hold the presidency and both houses of Congress like we did when Obama was first president in 2008," he insisted. "It was the absence of Republican interference in 2009 and 2010 that facilitated the initial steps of President Obama's plan to totally transform this country. It has been the presence of Republicans in the form of President Trump and fluctuating majorities in both houses of Congress that has slowed this transformation. If we hope to have a nation where everyone is united behind a common goal we must do whatever we can to ensure that Republicans never again hold the power to either delay this transformation or force us to compromise."