Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 1, 2023 Edition  (Read 1030 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 1, 2023 Edition
« on: September 30, 2023, 08:25:20 am »
Bolton & Biden Agree

Trump's former National Security Adviser John Bolton warned that "a second Trump Administration would lead to a constitutional crisis. What will happen when the career people in the Department of Justice, military, and other government agencies resign en masse? It will be the demise of the permanent government institutions that have run this country for generations. Ordinary Americans will be paralyzed with fear. There will be no one to tell them how to live their lives."

In a speech commemorating the late Sen. John McCain (R-Az), President Biden lashed out at "the menace Trump and his voters pose to our democracy. Unlike those who slavishly follow Trump, Sen. McCain had the wisdom to recognize that his Party lacked the ideas and character to govern and the courage to suspend his campaign and later graciously concede the 2008 election to his opponent Barrack Obama."

"The extreme agenda of the MAGA crowd disqualifies them from ever again ascending to power in this country," Biden added. "Remember, it was Trump's supporters that demanded he have Hillary Clinton locked up for opposing his election. He didn't do it, but Obama's former Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper, has warned us that 'there is no question in my mind that Trump will seek vengeance for the trials he has been put through during the Biden Administration's righteous crusade to convict him of the various crimes he has perpetrated against democracy and decency.' As your president, I am telling you it is the duty of every patriotic American to do whatever it takes to ensure that Trump will never regain power."

"It is reassuring to see that President Biden and I both see the danger that Trump poses to this country," Bolton said. "The fact that Trump is currently working to oust President Biden from the office that a record 81 million voters elected him to do proves his anti-democratic intentions. That both the President and I see this validates the truth and importance of our virtually identical messages to the voters who will be deciding whether to preserve or destroy our form of government in the 2024 election."

In related news, the FBI has rejected a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request to see the documents it seized from the Muskegon Police Department and Michigan State Police investigation of vote fraud during the 2020 election. FBI spokesman Conner Mann explained "the requested documents are part of an ongoing FBI investigation. As a matter of law, anything connected with an ongoing matter is exempt from the FOIA requirements. We don't know how long our investigation will take, but the folks at Just the News will just have to trust us on this. It's possible that someday the information they seek may be made available to them."

Rioting & Looting in Philly

This week a "flash mob" of over 100 masked teens went on a smash-and-grab rampage in Philadelphia's Center City. The stores looted included Apple, Foot Locker, and Lululemon. The pricey items stolen included iPhones, iPads, Shoes, and fashion clothing. The theives used a protest demonstration over a judge's decision to dismiss murder charges against Mark Dial, the police officer who shot Eddie Irizarry on August 14, as an opportunity for their brazen robbery. An estimated 20 suspects were arrested. Charges against Dial were reinstated the next day. A second day of looting in various sections of the city netted an additional 20 arrests.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) urged that "hungry and desperate people should not be too hastily or harshly judged. The wrecked economy that was left behind after four devastating years of the Trump presidency has forced people to take extraordinary measures to sustain their lifestyles."

Meanwhile, in a bid to moderate urban violence, the US Forest Service has allocated $100 million to promote "tree equity." Randy Moore, Chief of the Forest Service, asserted that "the calming power of greenery must not be underestimated. The the lack of trees in minority neighborhoods due to redlining and other discriminatory policies fuels the anger that feeds to the natural human instinct of people to lash out their perceived oppressors. Granted, it will be a couple of decades before we can expect to see significant impacts, but if we don't start now we'll never see how successful we can be."

In related news, an analysis by Bloomberg News of the employment impacts following the riots that accompanied many protests over the death of George Floyd showed that 94% of the new jobs in the S&P 100 companies went to non-whites. Acting Secretary of Labor Julie Su called this "a remarkable achievement against racial discrimination in such a short period of time." Dan Morenoff, executive director of the American Civil Rights Project, disagreed. "Whites comprise 60% of our population. That they got only 6% of the 300,000 new jobs indicates that racial discrimination played a major role in determining who was hired."

Dems Debunk Biden Corruption Charges

At the opening hearing of the House impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden, University law professor Jonathan Turley testified that "the influence-peddling scheme of the Bidens was of a scope so large and complex that it dwarfs anything we've ever seen in our government. It's hard to see how Joe Biden couldn't have been involved or couldn't have benefited from these corrupt dealings."

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) pointed out that "there are no canceled checks with Joe Biden's signature on them. There are no eye witnesses of him pocketing any cash. Compare this to the millions of witnesses who heard Trump deny he lost the 2020 election and ask yourself 'who is the real criminal in this picture?' I think the House Republicans who are pursuing this impeachment inquiry are committing serious ethics violations."

Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-Tex) said "the only evidence that I see is of a father's love for his family. Joe let Hunter use his name to build a multi-million dollar cash flow business. This name was the only asset Hunter needed to secure positions and payments from numerous foreign businesses and wealthy individuals. This money was distributed to the President's children, brothers, nieces, and nephews. I wish my parents had been as generous with me as Joe has been to those he loves."

Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC), the man who persuaded all of Biden's challengers to drop out during the early stages of the 2020 primary, said "all that allowing his son to build a business on the family name tells me is that he is a good father. Hunter is a man with serious substance abuse problems. Without his father's help he'd likely be in jail, homeless or dead. It is shameful that Republicans want to punish the President for loving his son."

CNN Analyst Kasie Hunt and Political Correspondent Sara Murray agreed that "Joe Biden's boast that he coerced Ukraine into firing Shokin by threatening to withhold a billion dollars of US aid doesn't prove that he knew anything about the $10 million Burisma says it paid Hunter to get this prosecutor off their back. He could've been just trying to embellish his image as a key policymaker in the Obama Administration. After all, there isn't a person alive who hasn't seen this kind of blowhard behavior from him before."

Attorney General Merrick Garland asserted that "we wouldn't have gone to the efforts we have made to block GOP invasions of the President's privacy if we believed he was capable of the kind of corruption they accuse him of. He is the essential protector of our democracy from its enemies. Keeping him in the position to save it is more important than the few millions he is accused of taking for himself."

Family to Be Deported

US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has informed the Romeike family to prepare for deportation. The Romeikes have been living in the US since fleeing Germany in 2008 while facing charges for flouting a 1918 law forbidding the homeschooling of children.

ICE acting Director Patrick Lechleitner defended the deportation order, saying "the Romeikes aren't refugees. They didn't flee a despotic regime. They didn't trek a thousand miles through the jungle or desert to cross our southern border. They are fugitives from justice. We are sending them back so they can be properly punished for their crimes."

The deportation is not without its complexities. The children they were illegally homeschooling in 2008 are now adults. Should they also be deported? The youngest of their children--a 12 and a 10 year old--were born in the US and are citizens. What is to become of them?

Lechleitner explained that "we presume that the minor children would accompany their parents. The adult children are definitely not citizens. They have no right to be here, not even the ones who are married to US citizens. I know that right-wing religious fanatics will try to drum up sympathy for this family, but they are lawbreakers of a sort that President Biden particularly disdains. The free public education that the government provides should be appreciated and accepted. It would send the wrong message to the opponents of public education in this country to grant clemency to opponents of public education in Germany. The public school teachers' union has been a loyal supporter of the Democratic Party for generations. They deserve our support now."

Dems Say There Is No Border Crisis

Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga) says "no one is illegally crossing our border with Mexico. President Biden invited them to come. The Border Patrol is cutting the barbed wire Texas illegally installed to try to keep migrants out."

Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) told CNN's Jake Tapper that "the border is secure. The Republican claim that it is not is a lie. No one is entering illegally. The Administration is setting aside land in the National Park Service's (NPS) Gateway National Recreation Area to build housing for the people the President has authorized to enter the US."

Gov. Kathy Hochul (D-NY) has deployed 150 National Guard Troops "to help undocumented migrants with the paperwork needed to get work and the other benefits to which our citizens are entitled. Our Statue of Liberty invites immigration. The GOP notion that immigration is illegal or excessive is a travesty. These people are an investment in America's future. All that is needed are the tax increases necessary to properly nurture this investment by funding a more balanced distribution of these new human resources throughout the nation rather than having so many concentrated in our state."

In related news, New York City Mayor Eric Adam (D) is printing millions of pamphlets urging those crossing over from Mexico to go somewhere other than his city. "These people need to know that New York City is the most expensive city in the world and that they will be better off if they go somewhere else." The high rate of illiteracy among these poor migrants poses a potential barrier to his message getting through.

Should We Get More Covid Shots?

Convinced that people's lives are at stake, President Biden made a strong pitch for getting more covid vaccine injections. "Look, we've all been through a lot since the pandemic first hit this country nearly four years ago. All the government experts advise that now is not the time to lose faith in the wonderful vaccines we have developed. They say the vaccines saved millions of lives. Former president Trump says the vaccines saved millions of lives. Why can't people just listen to us and do as we tell them? Get your updated vaccine shots."

Cardiac specialist Dr. Peter McCullough says "at the outset of the pandemic, there was an investigation by the WHO on the origins of SARS cov2. That's when the cover-up began. We knew at that time that Anthony Fauci, Francis Collins, Jeremy Farrar, Kristian Andersen, Eddie Holmes, and Peter Daszak all conspired to conceal the fact that the virus was engineered in a joint US-Chinese collaboration in the lab in Wuhan China. And they deceived the world with 12 subsequent fraudulent papers in the peer-reviewed literature. The COVID-19 vaccines and all of their progeny and future boosters are not safe for human use. The vaccines caused an enormous wave of illness. No one should take another shot of this so-called vaccine."

Dr. Anthony Fauci called McCullough "the worst kind of fear monger and spreader of misinformation. Every reputable scientist agrees that the vaccines were a true miracle. Before the vaccines were invented there was no authorized medicine for treating covid. President Biden shouldn't have to plead with people to get these injections. The virus mutates rapidly. The shots everyone got for the original strain do not protect against the latest mutations. Those foolish enough to refuse vaccination have no protection at all. They should take all of the previously offered shots to get up to date and then take every new booster as it becomes available."

McCullough characterized Fauci's advice as "totally useless. The strain of covid for which the original vaccine was designed is now extinct. By now everyone has already been exposed to the virus. Either they didn't get sick because their immune system fought off the infection or they got sick and developed a natural immunity to the disease. Meanwhile, among those who took the vaccines an unacceptably high number developed serious heart damage. The only sensible recommendation is to stop injecting this dangerous product into yourself."