Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 12, 2023 Edition  (Read 791 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 12, 2023 Edition
« on: February 11, 2023, 05:40:46 am »
TV Station Fined for Barring Candidate from Debate

The Florida Department of Health fined WESH-2, an Orlando television station, $10,000 for not allowing Scotty Moore, the Republican candidate for a Florida Congressional District to participate in a televised debate last October because he had not received the covid vaccine.

State Surgeon General Dr. Joseph Ladapo explained that "since the covid vaccines are neither safe nor effective and state law explicitly prohibits using a person's vaccination status as an excuse to deny him the right to enter a business' premises, the fine is warranted."

Station manager Martin Crook shrugged off what he called "a piffling irritation. Mr. Moore went on to lose his election bid. Keeping this enemy of democracy out of Congress is of immense value to the country. If our barring him from the debate helped accomplish this the $10,000 fine was a bargain. At this price I can see no reason why we shouldn't bar every Republican from ever appearing on our station in the future."

China Objects to Property Acquisition Interference

In recent years China has been purchasing vast amounts of US land. Texas and Florida are considering enacting legislation that would restrict how much real estate Chinese citizens can buy in their states.

Mao Ning, spokesperson for the Chinese foreign ministry, complained that "such rules would violate our free market rights. Over the years, Chinese enterprises have invested in the United States and made important contributions to promoting domestic employment and economic development in the United States. This is mutually beneficial to both countries."

Mao added that "free trade also helps promote peace. If the exchange of cash for land is impeded less pleasant options may result. My question for the American people is wouldn't it be better to sell China control of your country rather than make us have to invade and take what we want by force? Before you regurgitate the myth that America is the mightiest nation on Earth, remember that your arsenal of weapons has been severely depleted by your generosity toward Ukraine. Add to this the recently divulged evidence that the US blew up Russia's Nord Stream Pipeline. What kind of retaliation might be launched? Can America really expect to win a two-front war against both Russia and China?"

Biden Issues Two New Executive Orders

In a bid to bolster a couple of weak spots in his plans for reelection in 2024, President Biden took up the "pen" he so boldly boasts he has as a key weapon for saving democracy, to issue a pair of new executive orders.

In one of the EOs he ordered Americans "to ignore the House Republican investigation of my son Hunter and my brothers. They are just businessmen trading on my name and fame. Their deals with foreign governments have brought a lot of cash back into our country and helped us recover from the Trump recession I inherited when I took office. The fact that they have profited from their efforts just demonstrates that go-getters can still make it in America."

In the other EO, he ordered that "all talk of a possible recession be suppressed. A large contributor to prosperity is an upbeat attitude. I'm counting on the media--including social media--to see that negativity is squelched. I don't want to see it on TV. I don't want to read about it in the newspapers. I don't want there to be any tweets or posts complaining about the economy. If we concentrate on happy thoughts the economy can fly to new heights. No one should be allowed to bring us down with unacceptable negativity."

In related news, Biden is said to be contemplating declaring a health emergency to thwart the disunity arising from the Supreme Court's overturning of the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision. Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre explained that "the very idea that each state could have its own unique policy on the issue is inherently dis-unifying. He believes that abortion is a human right that no state has a right to deny to any person for any reason. A calico pattern of variation from one state to another is simply unacceptable in a democracy. It his obligation to mandate a uniform unrestricted access to the procedure nationwide."

Romney Lauds Biden's Handling of Chinese Balloon

While many Americans are wondering how a Chinese spy balloon could have been allowed to cross over the entire length of the United States, Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) is heaping praise on President Biden for waiting until it's spy mission was accomplished before shooting it down.

"As a sitting Senator, I had the privilege of being briefed by Deputy Secretary of State Wendy Sherman," Romney boasted. "It was pointed out to me that by allowing China to complete its spy mission we accomplished some important things. First, letting China listen in on our military communications shows them that they have nothing to fear from us."

"Second, there are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of Christian missionaries engaged in efforts to proselytize for the Christian faith within China's borders," Romney pointed out. "As our own FBI has discovered these are dangerous terrorists who could ultimately undermine the authorities in both countries. The President's gentler approach opens the door to a potential detente between our two nations to fight a common foe."

In related news, FBI Director Christopher Wray announced the withdrawal of his agency's screed labeling Catholics "violent white supremacists," saying that "since this was intended to be a covert operation there is no sense in going forward with it now that it has become public knowledge. We will have to find another way to protect America from this enemy within."

Aftershocks of the Pandemic

A calm assessment of the covid pandemic reveals that the "cures" offered were worse than the disease.

From an economic perspective, one of the worst "cures" was the decision to shutdown much of the economy. Small businesses were decimated and millions of jobs exterminated. A "cure" for this previous "cure" was massive government spending to provide some compensation to those hurt by the shutdown. It now appears that $191 billion (about 20%) of this compensation was stolen.

Labor Department Inspector General Larry Turner said "one example of where the money went where it shouldn't have was to prison inmates. In California 35,000 prisoners applied for the covid-related unemployment payments. Prisoners aren't ever 'unemployed' and don't ever qualify for such public assistance. Yet, 20,000 of these applications were approved and paid. Further investigation of the unwarranted payments made from public funds is underway."

President Biden economic advisor Cecilia Elena Rouse defended the pilfered program, saying "it was essential to pump more money into the economy. Whether the money was spent by nominally eligible recipients or by crooks was a matter of little concern. Either way, the economy was saved from disaster."

From a health perspective, the worst "cure" was the decision to coerce millions to get the mRNA covid vaccines. Respiratory diseases have a history of rapid mutation. Developing vaccines for them has not proven effective. This was acknowledged in a recently published paper co-authored by Dr. Anthony Fauci. The "Operation Warp Speed" rush to develop a vaccine for covid bypassed all safety precautions. The "adverse event" incidents for these vaccines broke all previous records for negative reactions to vaccine injections. Death rates have spiked above normal levels and a new "died suddenly" phenomenon is sweeping the nation.

Fauci insisted that "we were doing the best we could in a situation fraught with uncertainty. Fortunately, the government granted all of us--the CDC, the FDA, Pfizer and the other vaccine manufacturers, and myself total immunity for any harm done as the result of our actions. One of the things I find ironic is that the article that I co-authored would have been censored as 'misinformation' a year ago. I get a chuckle out of that. It will give me something to laugh about as I grow older and richer from my share of Pfizer's profits."

Illegal Student Loan Forgiveness Plan Tweaked

Although courts have already ruled that President Biden's attempt to unilaterally decree the forgiveness of a portion of student loan debt is not legal, plans are underway to reissue the illegal decree with a new twist. Students who major in studies that provide few opportunities for remunerative employment will be given "first dibs" on loan forgiveness.

Secretary of Education Miguel Angel Cardona explained "there's little sense in forgiving the debt of students who major in science or engineering. Grads with degrees in these subjects are in great demand in the private sector and will likely be paid well. In contrast, a student with a degree in transgender studies faces a much bleaker future because there is little to no need for such people in the private sector."

"Our plan in the short term is to free the bearers of useless degrees from having to repay their debt," Cardona said. "In the meantime, we need to create new laws and regulations that would make it mandatory for private businesses to employ these people to help them navigate the complex social equity requirements that the new laws and regulations will implement."

IRS to Crackdown on Unreported Tips

In the unrelenting quest to extract more taxes from the working portion of the population, the IRS is focusing on unreported tips income. Commissioner Douglas O'Donnell pointed out that "legislation enacted last year gave us the funding for an additional 87,000 armed IRS agents. Since unreported tip income has been a thorn in the IRS' side for generations we now have the manpower to track down and punish these tax chiselers."

O'Donnell denied that this initiative contradicts the President's ambition to extract more taxes from the wealthiest Americans, saying "trying to go after the wealthiest taxpayers is fraught with risk. They can easily 'lawyer up' to repel a direct attack. They could also retaliate by cutting back on donations to Democrat reelection campaigns. An indirect approach focusing on capturing the portion of their wealth given as tips to waiters, taxi drivers, golf caddies and the like strikes at the weakest link in the chain of financial transactions. Since the biggest tips come from the wealthiest customers we can pull more money from them through this strategy--fulfilling the President's promise to make the rich pay a greater share of the tax burden."

O'Donnell explicitly rejected the argument that tips are gifts rather than payments. "I know that there is no requirement for customers to give tips," he said. "However, if taxes were restricted to the wages paid to these service people the amounts taken by the IRS would be tiny. Why should the government have to suffer just because the wages paid by the employer are so low?"

The Commissioner insisted that "stricter enforcement of collections from tips would not be burdensome because we will simply assume that tips represent about 20% each transaction and tax accordingly. The taxpayers will have the option of presenting detailed data to prove that their actual tip income is lower."

HUD to Use Eminent Domain to Integrate Neighborhoods

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Marcia Fudge says she will "break down the barriers that keep minorities from living in elite neighborhoods by using the power of eminent domain granted to the government by the Fifth Amendment to the US Constitution."

"Since the integration of American society is an important public good, the government has the authority to seize private property for the purpose of achieving a better mix of colors and ethnicity in the nation's neighborhoods," Fudge contended. "All we have to do is pay just compensation for the property we take. No one has the right to object."

Fudge said "the inspiration for this dramatic new approach to achieving housing equity came from seeing how several of our cities have been moving indigent immigrants into posh hotels in ritzy neighborhoods. I thought, if we can do this for people who aren't even citizens, why can't we do this for poor people who are citizens? We'll just buy some of the best houses in the best neighborhoods around the country and let poor people live in them rent-free just like the immigrants live in those hotels rent-free."

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre said "the President really likes this idea and thinks Secretary Fudge ought to get a Nobel Prize for it. He just isn't sure whether it should be a Nobel Peace prize for bringing the country closer to total unity or an Economics prize for promoting a more equitable sharing of the nation's wealth."

Online mystery-ak

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Re: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 12, 2023 Edition
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2023, 07:36:59 pm »
Quote
In one of the EOs he ordered Americans "to ignore the House Republican investigation of my son Hunter and my brothers. They are just businessmen trading on my name and fame. Their deals with foreign governments have brought a lot of cash back into our country and helped us recover from the Trump recession I inherited when I took office. The fact that they have profited from their efforts just demonstrates that go-getters can still make it in America."

Biden ought to try this..lol
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