Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 11, 2022 Edition  (Read 610 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 11, 2022 Edition
« on: December 10, 2022, 06:14:43 am »
US & Russia Exchange Prisoners

This week President Biden announced that he had reached a deal with Russia to exchange Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout for Brittney Griner. He touted the deal as "a victory for American diplomacy" and "something former president Trump could never have achieved."

Trump wasted no time in confirming that "I would never have freed one of the biggest arms dealers in the world. He was responsible for tens of thousands of deaths and horrific injuries." John Bolton, former national security adviser during the Trump Administration and now a dedicated 'never-Trumper,' agreed with his old boss' assessment, saying "there's a lot of very understandable human emotions here in getting Griner released, but this is a very bad mistake by the Biden administration."

Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark) predicted that "more people will die now that the 'Merchant of Death' is no longer behind bars. More terrorists will get more weapons as Bout goes back to work for the Russian government. I also think that more Americans will be unjustly detained in the future because they realize that Joe Biden will give anything in return for any American citizen." Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga), Rep. Mike Rogers (R-Ala) Rep. Kevin Hern (R-Ok), Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC), Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), and Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) made similar remarks about the prisoner exchange.

Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) said "the news of Brittney Griner's release is a welcomed development toward our collective efforts to secure the return of all those wrongfully detained in Russia. Ms. Griner should have been released unconditionally a long time ago. But this swap of prisoners will encourage dictatorial and rogue regimes to take more Americans hostage as bargaining chips."

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tx) called the opposition to releasing Bout "harsh. Viktor hasn't been proven to have killed a single American. All we can say is that the guns he sold to terrorists might have been used to kill Americans. Likewise, the hash that Brittany brought into Russia might have been used to harm Russians. So, in my mind the swap was a fair deal."

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre defended her boss by pointing out "millions of Americans know and love Brittany. She is a WNBA megastar and an icon for the LGBTQ and BLM communities. Hardly anyone knows who either Paul Whelan or Viktor Bout is. If we had taken Whelan in exchange for Bout no one would've cared. Besides, Whelan is a MAGA Republican. We don't need anymore of those kind in our country. Our only regret is that this trade was not completed before November 8th when it might've enabled Democrats to win control of the House."

Russian media called the deal "a steal. We gave up a basketball player who was stupid enough to bring vape pens with hashish oil into Russia for a tournament, despite the country's reputation for having some of the strictest drug laws on Earth. We got back one of our nation's most successful international businessmen. And Saudi Arabia got the US federal lawsuit against Saudi Prince Mohammed Bin Salman for his involvement in the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi dropped."

Russian President Vladimir Putin speculated "I think more prisoner exchanges are possible between the two countries. Plenty of American tourists arrive in our country every year. Who knows how many of these people are American spies? We will redouble our efforts to find and arrest them."

"Americans Don't Want Leaders Who Hate"

After an election campaign in which Republicans were vilified by President Biden and other Democrats as "enemies of democracy," MSNBC talking head Joe Scarborough declared that "Democrats won because Americans don't want leaders who hate. Republicans never understood the righteous wrath that led to the riots over the death of George Floyd. They made opposition to urban crime an issue in their bid for votes. Voters overwhelmingly rejected this message."

Joy Behar, co-host of ABC's "The View" seconded Scarborough's interpretation, saying that "all Republicans want to do is hang out with Nazis and white supremacists." She pivoted from this smear to a denunciation of Sen. Kyrsten Sinema's announcement that she is leaving the Democrat Party, calling her action "a disloyal betrayal of democracy. At a time when we need unity more than ever, this self-serving ingrate is siding with our enemies."

Sinema isn't exactly siding with anyone's enemies. She says "I changed my Party registration to Independent because I pledged to be independent and work with anyone to achieve lasting results. Arizona voters elected me to exert a moderating influence between the extremes of both the Republicans and Democrats. Yet, during the recently completed campaign I was under constant pressure from Democratic leadership to demonize Republicans. I viewed this as destructive to the unity that the President and Party profess to be seeking."

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) accused Sinema of "stabbing democracy in the back. She was elected as a Democrat in 2018. She has an obligation to support the Party's policies whether she agrees with them or not. Now she refuses to say whether she will support the President's reelection in two years. She is a traitor to progressive values. I look forward to seeing a true socialist take her out in 2024."

Sen. Sinema is the second high-profile Democrat to recently break ranks with the Party. Two months ago former presidential candidate Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) also left the Party, saying "it's now under the complete control of an elitist cabal of warmongers who divide us by racializing every issue and stoking anti-white racism, actively working to undermine our God-given freedoms, are hostile to people of faith and spirituality, demonize the police and protect criminals at the expense of law-abiding Americans, believe in open borders, weaponize the national security state to go after political opponents, and above all, dragging us ever closer to nuclear war."

Biden Family Supports 2024 Run

This week White House chief of staff Ron Klain told Fox News "the President intends to run for re-election. "That is something both Dr. Biden and the whole family fully support."

Klain brushed off concerns about Biden's age, saying "he's already the oldest person to serve as president. At 80-years-old he has exceeded everyone's expectations. With the aid of round-the-clock medical attention, modern drugs, and a tireless staff he has performed magnificently so far. He deserves a second term."

"Not only would a second term enable the President to continue his noble effort to remake America in his image," Klain said. "It would also enable him to more adequately provide for his family. Possession of the most powerful position in the world has already garnered substantial returns for the family. Both his son Hunter and his brother Jim have been able to snag numerous lucrative business deals because of their famous relative. Another four years in the oval office should have these men, their wives, and their children sitting pretty. Since the family doesn't have to pay anything to get him reelected, the return on investment from another term would be pure profit."

FBI Priorities

This week, Students for Life Action (SFLAction) reported finding a death threat attributed to Jane's Revenge posted to the door of the St. John Paul II Newman Center near the University of Nebraska-Omaha's Scott Campus. Jane's Revenge has previously claimed responsibility for several violent attacks against pregnancy centers and pro-life organizations.

A spokesman for the FBI said "we aware of the incident," but declined to commit to an investigation or any other type of action. "Right now this is not a top priority. There are tens of millions of MAGA terrorists still at large. We have to conserve our resources so we can battle this much greater threat."

Meanwhile, in Oakland California a group of women demonstrating against allowing triple-murderer Dana Rivers to serve his sentence in a women's prison. Dana Rivers is a biological male who used to call himself David Warfield. Since the 1990s he has been identifying as a woman. In November he was convicted for murdering Charlotte Reed, Patricia Wright--a lesbian couple--and Wright's son Benny. Under state law he has the right to choose whether to be housed in a men's or women's prison.

On December 5th, Kara Danksy and several other women protested outside the Alameda County courthouse carrying signs saying "Dana Rivers Is A Man," and "No Men In Women's Prisons." They were attacked by masked pro-transgender radicals. The SF Bay Area Independent Media Center (Indybay) smeared feminist Danksy by falsely claiming "she is aligned with white nationalists who also oppose allowing biological men to be imprisoned with women."

A spokesman for the FBI characterized the attack as "a minor scuffle. People who choose to demonstrate on an issue where passions run high do so at their own risk. In this case, cis women were disrespecting a trans-woman. The President has declared that transgender rights must be protected from any and all naysayers. While these cis women were terrorized, pelted with eggs, and had their signs ripped, no blood was shed. Until that happens the Bureau is not going to get involved."

Library Vetoes Xmas Tree

The Endicott Branch of the Dedham Public Library in Dedham, Massachusetts disappointed some residents by deciding against putting up a Christmas tree this year. Library supervisor Lisa Desmond said "I was told that it made people uncomfortable."

The absence of a Christmas tree has made other people uncomfortable. "I've been coming here for 30 years, even when my son was little, and just like most buildings at Christmastime, especially places where there are children, you expect to see Christmas trees," one resident said.

"It's sad that I won't see the decorated tree in the library," another resident said. "The library celebrates so many things: Gay Pride Week, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, the Jewish holidays. It's not fair that a few employees were able to effect this change in this town that is supposed to be inclusive, and I feel that this is a very exclusionary maneuver that they've made for those who appreciate the holiday of Christmas."

"It's about community, love, and unity," Desmond argued. "We didn't intend to exclude anybody. But the only way we can be inclusive is to exclude all religious symbolism. Halloween, LGBTQ Pride Week, and 4th of July, all are secular observations and therefor, okay. It may be a hard lesson for all of us to learn that there should be no place for religion in any public space."

In related news, Actor and Christian activist Kirk Cameron's request to provide a religious story hour was rejected by 50 public libraries. "I figured if these places have 'drag queen story hour' they might want to balance things out by adding a different perspective," he said. "But I was wrong. A librarian at the Rochambeau Public Library in Providence, Rhode Island which hosts a regular program called 'Queer Island' explained that 'we are a very queer-friendly library. Our messaging does not align with Christianity. Letting you tell Bible stories would just confuse the children.'"

Musk & Schiff Spar Over Twitter

In a CNN appearance this week, Rep Adam Schiff (D-Calif) contended that "hate speech is soaring since Musk took control of Twitter. Slurs against black people have tripled. Slurs against women are up 33%. Slurs against Jews are up 61%. Slurs against gay men are up 58%. These numbers are abysmal – and unacceptable."

Musk countered, asserting that "hate speech posts are actually down by 1/3 for Twitter now compared to what they were prior to my acquisition of the company."

Schiff scoffed at Musk's assertion. "My sources tell me that some of the former Twitter employees fired by Musk are adding more than 200 million tweets with offensive slurs a day to the site. Over half of these were racial slurs aimed at Herschel Walker alone. Then earlier today Elton John left Twitter. If the most famous living gay entertainer can no longer abide being part of the Twitter universe, I think this proves that my figures must be correct. Clearly, Musk is engaged in a cover-up of the vile cesspool the site has become under his unrestrained freedom of speech regime."